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Acceptance Factor when Ending Things

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Ok so, I've posted a few times here so some of you may know my situation. Gay male, started dating a guy back around Memorial Day - same time as my first outbreak. I didn't know what it was right away and my culture came back neg and first test came back neg. Doc thought it might not be herpes and so I did not disclose to my partner. We never had unprotected sex, just messed around. I always had it in the back of my mind that I could have it, so I took pretty proactive steps to ensure no transmission.

Fast forward to August when my blood test came back positive. I told him and he's been awesome about it. We've had unprotected sex since then and, as far as I know, he is still negative.

Recently, we've been going through issues, in small part related to my own lack of self-confidence because I'm positive - I have definitely lost a big part of my sex drive and his is still raging. But, on the whole, our issues have nothing to do with herpes.

Things came to a head last weekend and I told him I needed a break. I'm seriously thinking of completely ending the romantic part of our relationship, but part of me is scared because I really lucked out in finding a gay male who would accept me and still want me, despite the disease.

Gay relationships are distinctly different in that most relationships are based on the physical/sexual and then build from there - not all, of course, but all of my past relationships were based, initially, on sexual compatibility.

I think I know the answer to my own question, but want your feedback. Would you work a little bit harder, or put up with just a little bit more, if it meant still being desired or would you risk putting yourself back out there, sure to face even more rejection and - thanks to the gossipy nature of gay men - fear that my status would quickly percelate through the small community here?

Thanks for any thoughts/insight.

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i had been dating a guy for a few months and i am pretty sure that he gave me herpes..and he ended things with me thursday. i feel completely alone and it sucks big time.. now i have to put myself out there and tell whomever i decide to get serious with that i have herpes... but i would rather do that than be in a relationship that i am becoming less and less happy in. i think that you should extend the break and figure out what you really want.. i am a chick and most of my relationships have been built on sexual compatibility as well.. i think that is a huge part of a relationship... but now i can't do that anymore. i am going to have to completely change the way i used to be. i am scared but i just have to tell myself over and over again that this doesnt make me any less of a person..and that 1 in 5 people have this..a lot don't even know it. if someone spreads that you have herpes just remember that a lot of the other guys have it too...maybe even the ones who are trying to ruin your reputation.

i say that if you think you have tried as hard as you can.. and there is no hope, end the relationship and slowly put yourself out there. dont jump into something else too fast though just because you don't want to be alone (i have to tell myself that too).

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Well i'm straight so I can't empithize with you completly but I can tell you that you shouldn't just put up with a person or work harder because your compatible with yourselves and disease. You should be head over heals for the person to want to stay with him/her. If your not feeling it now, you might as well break it off now before your partner thinks its gettin more serious and your getting more distant.

I just got dumped by my gf because I was loosing interest and lied to her and spoke with another girl. I loved the girl to death its just something was holding me back.

What I think it comes down to is if you really think its worth it. Disregard the disease and imagine if you'd want to be with this person w/ out HSV. It is an amazing thing to find someone that is accepting of the disease and that is my biggest fear, but that shouldn't be the glue to the relationship. Sit back and ask yourself if its worth it and if you want to have a long term relationship with this person or if you really think you'd be better off with someone else.

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GreatDane, whether we are gay or straight we all have issues about acceptance and ultimately sex plays a huge roll in any couple even without putting hsv into the equation.

It sounds to me that the way "you" feel about "your infection" is going to be a problem in any relationship until you come to terms with your own thinking.

It isn't amazing that you found a gay man who would accept you it is amazing that you don't realize that with or without hsv you will find someone who will accept you and adore you for who you are.

What about your ob's? do they physically keep you from being intimate or is it the fear of transmitting the virus to your partner that is the problem?

When I first was diagnosed I was scared I'd lose my partner. I spent months worrying about what would happen if he contracted it also. I was worried about how he would react and what he would do. Finally I had to put it into perspective. I am a person just like any other person and I am just as vulnerable as anyone else. I have feelings and emotions and I can be loved. I accept others and they can accept me. It is not going to kill me and it is not going to ruin my life.

Hsv is going to part of your life from now on even if it is latent and not giving you trouble. It is in your best interest to come to terms with it sooner rather than later. How you feel about it may save you from, staying in or getting into, relationships that are not going to make you happy.

Never base a relationship on hsv status.

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    • RainyDay2
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