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My worst nightmare

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Guest Anonymous

I have herpes-2 and I have been seeing two men that I been dating for awhile. I want so much to have a serious relationship that could lead to marriage, but I'm afraid of picking the wrong person to tell. Honestly, which ever one would accept me and love me I would take. My biggest problem is how do I know which one would accept me or will neither of them will. I do not wish to disclose my condition to both and if I made the wrong mistake and tell one of them, and he decides that he doesn't want anything to do with me to include tell everyone and no one would ever talk to me again. I would honestly feel like commiting sucide. I am tired of being alone and want so much to be in a loving commited relationship.

I have not had sex with either guy but I noticed men who have it are generally more accepted by others than women.

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First of all... it's not about being accepted or not.

Whether you have herpes or not, good relationship has to be built in the same way. It only happens when 2 people love and respect each other.

Think about if you don't have herpes, and someone who you love has herpes.....

Herpes would get in the way......?

If your answer is yes, probably his answer is yes, too.

How you see yourself reflects on how you see others. And ... how you see yourself reflects on how others see you.

You've gotta love yourself first.

Know that herpes doesn't make you less. It only makes you more. You can be twice, three times, better person, by going through this experience of herpes. You can get a better idea of "what true love is".

Hang in there.

Best wishes...


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Think about if you don't have herpes, and someone who you love has herpes.....

Herpes would get in the way......?

If your answer is yes, probably his answer is yes, too.


Some of what I'm going to say is the same as what Faith said...

Honestly, which ever one would accept me and love me I would take. My biggest problem is how do I know which one would accept me or will neither of them will.

Just like Faith said...

Its not about finding someone that will accept you... Its about finding someone who loves you.

If you find someone that loves you, they will accept you.

Who do you love more? Who do you feel the greatest connection with? Which do you communicate with?

People are so different, I can't imagine that you can't feel a greater connection with one then the other...

But if all things are equal... Who makes more money??? (Ok, that was a joke) :wink::lol::lol::lol:

and he decides that he doesn't want anything to do with me to include tell everyone and no one would ever talk to me again.

Non-issue... Your fear of 'no one ever talking to you'... That's just fear. That will never happen. Even if everyone knew... People would still talk to you just the same. There are more people who don't care then who would care (that you have HSV)

As far as a guy running and telling the world.... That's a respect issue. If you are prepared to enter a committed relationship with one of these guys, SURELY you have built up a level or respect. Out of respect, no mature male would run and tell everyone.

Surely you can judge if one or both of these guys are mature... How do they talk about their ex's? Do they slam their ex's? Do they rip on other people a great deal? Do they make a habit of making themselves look better at other people's expense?

I once heard a quote that I like... "A girl who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is NOT a nice person"

So look past how this guy treats you.... Because for YOU, he's on his best behavior. How does he treat other people? If he is a good fair person to not JUST the person he likes, but to strangers, casual acquaintances, friends, family... He will respect your privacy EVEN IF he might choose not to want to continue dating.

But having said that, give people a chance.... Give them a chance to accept you. Most will... yeah, I'm a guy, but I know girls with HSV and I have friends who date chic's who have HSV and its not a deal-breaker at all.

Lastly... you have NOTHING to lose...

You can either be a prisoner of your fear of telling someone, and facing teh possibility that THAT ONE person might reject you... If you choose to be a prisoner of your fear, you have ZERO chance of having the loving committed relationship you seek.

If you choose to take a chance, then you HAVE a chance. I severely doubt that you will find yourself rejected because I'm telling you, most any guy who is 'relationship material' would not care. But EVEN if you get rejected, you are giving yourself a chance to win.

What do you have to loose? If you are alone, you will be unhappy... If you get rejected, you will be unhappy but you had a chance.... And you can have as many chances as it takes.... If you keep the faith, you WILL find what you want. It may be tomorrow... It might be in 6 months... But you will get what you want...

If you don't take a chance, you never will.

I'm a big advocate of telling all my friends and people I know... When everyone knows, it makes it SOOOOO much easier to go thru life.

I've gone on dates with girls who I didn't HAVE to tell because they had been in my circle of friends for years. When we were just friends, I told them, or talked about it with other friends in front of them, and they knew... Then a couple years later, as you become better friends, sometimes something develops where a friendship grows into more. But its SO cool because here's a person who's KNOWN for years, and you dont' have to go thru the trauma of telling, wondering if they'll accept you, whatever.

So consider that too... Consider taking the HSV issue and instead of treating it like this HUGE secret that you do now, treat it like no big deal. Tell your friends...

If I dated a girl, and she decided to be mean, and out of spite 'tell everyone' after I broke up with her....

Ya know what they'd say "Yeah... SO... We've known that for years"

You can MAKE IT A NON-issue.

When all your friends know, you don't live in fear... You live in REALITY.

I would honestly feel like commiting sucide.

I've been there.... I know EXACTLY how you feel... The only time in my LIFE I ever considered suicide was after my first 'telling' experience when for the moment, it appeared that I was going to be rejected... Although in a couple days, she came to the decision that HSV or not, she wanted to be with me.

But for those 2 days, I was SO prepared to give up. I had gone so far as to close my bank account and keep my money in cash in an envelope so I could give it to my mom before I killed myself. I had the title of my motorcycle with me which I was going to give to my best friend... I was days from doing it. If it wasn't for the girl calling and telling me she still wanted to see where things went with me... I really think I would have done it...

And now, 8 years later... looking back... WHAT a mistake it would have been.

I've had such an AWESOME life. I've had 8 or 9 semi-serious relationshps ALL of which I told, ALL of which ended for reasons other then HSV. I am not dating an absolutely wonderful girl who didn't even blink when I told her I had HSV...

I've been best man at my friends wedding, watched my older brother get married... I have 3 much younger half-sisters who ADORE me and love to come to my house and visit me....

Looking back, I can't believe what I let HSV do to me for that short time period.

Some day, you will look back and think the same.

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I wanted to PM you this, but since you are just a guest and I couldn't, I'll post it here.

you said:

I am tired of being alone and want so much to be in a loving commited relationship.

I STRONGLY STRONGLY STRONGLY recommend the following book.

I don't know if it will mean to others, what it meant to me, but THIS book changed my life. And I've talked to other people who felt very strongly the same way.. And having felt like you described with the above comment, I think you would love this book...

"In The Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant...

A quote:

You are the love you seek.

You are the companionship you desire.

You are your own completion.

You are your best friend, your confidante.

"You are, the one that you are looking for."

You are the only who can do what you are looking for someone else to do


If you want that 'loving committed relationship' but just can't get there, or are frustrated, or lost...

READ THIS BOOK!!!!!!!!!!

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      Yes, but every married person who I found out about that has this waited 6-8 months into the relationship to disclose it. But maybe you're right. If I had told her 6-7 months in, she'd still have Googled it and flipped out, and maybe it would have been harder then. I don't know. I don't see myself going through this level of pain and rejection so easily next time. I really don't. I'm taking the meds. I use protection. It's been almost a decade since I've had it so I'm not worried about shedding or passing it on so easily. British studies confirm that the first 2 years are the most contagious and we're passed that. I'm just over this. I've never been in so much emotional pain in my life.
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      I’m going to force him to get tested ! Thanks for your help ! 
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      @EssenceL25 there really isn't a question mark around the source, it's your latest partner. The median time from infection to an outbreak of lesions upon initial infection is 4 days.  The only thing that isn't certain is the type I suggest.
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