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Lulubelle

New and scared

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Hi there

Im 26 female and recently started dating a new guy and had sex (without protection) two weeks ago. This week I got a UTI and felt all the symptoms of the flu and sores on my femine region (which is apparently the first outbreak) and would've never guessed I had herpes until I went to the Gyno. Did I get this from him? I never had any symptoms of sores etc before him. How do I tell him?  I work in a high stress job and I feel so isolated about having this virus and I don't know enough about it. The Gyno just scooted me out the door and I have so many questions about pain relief, my life going forward, clinical studies I can join and just coping and overcoming this and accepting it. I've been single for so long and was so excited about dating someone new and now I feel like I'll never get married or date again. How do you even tell someone you're dating that you have herpes? Any information, websites tips advice from experience is so helpful. I feel so isolated and uneducated about something I now have  

 

Lulubelle

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1 hour ago, Lulubelle said:

This week I got a UTI and felt all the symptoms of the flu and sores on my femine region (which is apparently the first outbreak) and would've never guessed I had herpes until I went to the Gyno. Did I get this from him? I

You prolly got it from him. Thats how mine started. UTI then sores and pain and flu like symptoms. If it was a major attack /outbreak (OB), then it was likely 99%(not a scientific statistic, ok) from your most recent partner.

Did your DR. give you blood testing or swabs to identify  which type you got?

Ask that guy to get tested. Is it someone you are seeing regularly? 

My gyno was also less than sympathetic. They don't get HSV outbreaks , so they don't have a clue and they don't don't care.I switched to another one who at least tries to understand. He still doesn't 'really understand' whats its like though.

As for dating, I don't know. I have no advice at this time I got this from my fiancee who still won't get tested or admit he gave it to me. Things are on and off again now. I think I am staying with him because I fear no one else will want me now. Kind of a "you broke it ,now you bought it" but  I don't know if it will work out now.I resent him.

There are a lot of good resources on this site and lots of nice understanding  and empathetic people to talk to.

I wish you the best of luck. Hugs to you.

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when u first get it, thats the worst part, physically and emotionally, but i promise you it DOES get better!

there are lots of folks here to talk to, don't isolate yourself!

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@IcantThinkofaName thank so much for your response.

I wonder if the guy I'm dating didn't know he had it. I'm not sure of the symptoms for guys...guys chime in here!!!

But I have HsV 2  - it's been painful and emotionally difficult. This is someone I started dating at the end of July and had sex with for the first time over Labor Day weekend...Thankfully he's not in my social network, so if he knows I have herpes (which he most likely gave to me) then I don't have to worry about the social stigma and my entire network of people finding out (hopefully), but more so how to approach the situation/discussion. Anyone who has been in my shoes and is 26 in the dating scene I would love to hear your thoughts / advice / tips!

And I feel you - I have no desire to be sexual with the guy I've been dating. I think it's going to take a long time for me to be sexually active again (if ever??), but I hope things work out the way you want them to. I definitely wish you the best with your fiancée <3

I sincerely appreciate you reaching out. It's making me feel better already and I'm going to browse around on here and see what I kind find. I'm overwhelmed at what I need to learn and how. I need to adjust my life. 

Thanks for listening :) sending major hugs/positivity your way. Always here to listen as well. 

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so imo, u need to tell the guy.  u should demand he get a blood test asap.  if its positive, its almost certain you got it from him.

at that point, he either already knew / suspected, or he was in the dark.  its possible b/c some people never have symptoms.  but i would be pretty suspicious frankly.

are you going to keep dating him?  i'm always amazed when people who weren't informed, either maliciously or not, stay dating with the person they got it from.  all i can think is that they feel they have no other option, which may be what they intended to begin with.

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@RVX Patient and Investor  thanks so much for your input. I don't anticipate this being an easy conversation. I've still been talking to him (luckily I've been out of town at home/super busy) and I've been tellin him I've been really sick and goin to doctors so he knows somethin isn't right with me(he just doesn't know it's herpes) ...

Hell be in shock, but guess that makes two of us?  What's the deal with the blood test and false positive/negatives? Do guys get the same sores girls do? Or could he have had dormant herpes and then passed it on to me and I got the Breakout ? I still have SO much to learn  

I I think it would be very lofty if I were to keep dating him (we've only been dating for 2.5 months... ) I think I will need space to let my emotions heal and focus on myself and doing everything I can to make dealing with herpes (emotionally and physically) my priority. In particular I want to make sure I have the right diet. Get the best doctors. And make sure that I'm doing everything I can to stay on top of the sciences / studies in and out of the US (which I can see you are). I'm in the Bay Area so I'm hoping that I can find good doctor/studies/support from people. (Bay Area people Lmk if you have any tips/info)  let's just say I have a lot to learn and be to make this a priority to get VERY educated on

Anyways I've been single for the past five years so not being with him wouldn't be the end of he world to me. I would of course be supportive for him if he needed. I hope one day I do find someone who loves me and accepts me with the virus, but if not that's ok too and will be something I need to learn to accept. 

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All you can do is be honest with him and say that after our last sexual encounter I had some symptoms and an outbreak and went to the doctor and it came back as positive for genital HSV 2.  be prepated that he might say that it was not him and be defensive and possibly put blame back on you if he does turn out to be positive

  but if he has a blood test it means that he's had it for longer than 3 months so if you haven't been dating that long then he is a likely carrier.  

In terms of Dating having herpes doesn't necessarily stop you from dating but as you have said you're quite happy being single and I have found that datings hard even without disclosing having herpes

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@Lisajd spot on for how to bring it up and the info you just provided is SO useful. I need to make sure I know what I'm talking about when I go into this conversation. Thanks for your support. As for our dating lives.... Let's hope for the best...' you never know :)  Thank you so much! 

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It's a really good idea to have as much information as you can so you can provide him with the facts.  

I Won't Give Up in terms of Dating but at the moment I hold little hope.  What is unfortunate for me is I was dating someone but unfortunately our circumstances are completely different and it makes it really hard for it to work but he actually cares and I care but I also can't get past previous stuff that happened

Good luck with it

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9 hours ago, Lulubelle said:

Hell be in shock, but guess that makes two of us?  What's the deal with the blood test and false positive/negatives? Do guys get the same sores girls do? Or could he have had dormant herpes and then passed it on to me and I got the Breakout ? I still have SO much to learn  

So my Bf claims he didn't know he had it. He says he never had an Ob before, until the one that I saw that popped up after sex one time. I never saw anything on him before or after that, He may just not be in tune with his body as much as I am. He may have had this a long time and be mostly asymptomatic. I/We also have HSV2.

He won't get tested. He won't exactly admit he gave me herpes either.  He is in denial I think. He seems to acknowledge at times he has it but then say I can't be certain its from him . A friend told me maybe he is embarrassed and ashamed of giving it to me. Its strange to me.

Tell your guy to get the right blood test. IGG. (not an IGM)

Drs are pretty clueless about herpes and testing IMO.

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10 hours ago, Lulubelle said:

 

@IcantThinkofaName thank so much for your response.

I wonder if the guy I'm dating didn't know he had it. I'm not sure of the symptoms for guys...guys chime in here!!!

But I have HsV 2  - it's been painful and emotionally difficult. This is someone I started dating at the end of July and had sex with for the first time over Labor Day weekend...Thankfully he's not in my social network, so if he knows I have herpes (which he most likely gave to me) then I don't have to worry about the social stigma and my entire network of people finding out (hopefully), but more so how to approach the situation/discussion. Anyone who has been in my shoes and is 26 in the dating scene I would love to hear your thoughts / advice / tips!

And I feel you - I have no desire to be sexual with the guy I've been dating. I think it's going to take a long time for me to be sexually active again (if ever??), but I hope things work out the way you want them to. I definitely wish you the best with your fiancée <3

I sincerely appreciate you reaching out. It's making me feel better already and I'm going to browse around on here and see what I kind find. I'm overwhelmed at what I need to learn and how. I need to adjust my life. 

Thanks for listening :) sending major hugs/positivity your way. Always here to listen as well. 

 

Did you have the STD conversation with him before you had sex  that first time?  

I think Lisajd had the best approach to confronting him about it.

I had my first OB on christmas day 2016 :( and every month (and sometimes more often) since. So I am fairly newly infected. If you have any questions I can try to help as best I can. There are lots of people here who know more than me though.

The first OB is the worst. The following ones are not as painful or intense but still depressing.

Give yourself some time and there will be a grieving process. You know...the denial , depression, anger,  bargaining, acceptance  loop

Hugs and positivity right back at you.

 

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@IcantThinkofaName noted. I'll ask that he gets the blood test - IGG. I hope he gets it. I think it would provide a lot of mental closure for me. I need to research more on the blood tests for sure. 

 

I didn't have an std conversation before ... Mistake #1. It's pretty painful (walking, moving sleeping ) so if there are any remedies to relieve pain of the wounds (I think I read tea tree oil? Hurts to even walk...)  I'm open to hearing them. I can't work out because I'm in so much pain and am an ex athlete so if anyone has advice around which point it's safe/comfortable to workout I'm open to that. 

Thanks again 

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9 minutes ago, Lulubelle said:

I didn't have an std conversation before ... Mistake #1. It's pretty painful (walking, moving sleeping ) so if there are any remedies to relieve pain of the wounds (I think I read tea tree oil? Hurts to even walk...)  I'm open to hearing them. I can't work out because I'm in so much pain and am an ex athlete so if anyone has advice around which point it's safe/comfortable to workout I'm open to that. 

Yes , i didn't want to wear underwear , had to wear pj pants for weeks.  Walking was a problem. The nerve pain the week after was bad too. When I had my first OB 9 months ago , I was in a foreign country in some tiny town that had no health food store or even a freaking salad to eat, in the coldest winter in 40 years. No heated bathroom. I could see my breath in the damn bathroom. It was excruciating. I had access to nothing. Acyclovir is all I had , and it took days to get that, as no one thought I had herpes- well I was pretty sure. Someone eventually gave me A st John wort oil for my terrible yeast infection after all the antibitotics I took for the UTI.

For me more recently, Bee propolis powder (from a supplement capsule) mixed with tea tree oil,(make a paste and apply to sores) seemed to help with pain and healing (let me know how it works if you try that option).  When peeing, pee in bathtub under running water, Baking soda to wash sores twice a day. Dry thoroughly.

I work out a lot and when I get on OB it hinders me.

There was some zinc cream, I got in that foreign country a week later too-- Herpesan. That seemed to help. it has yarrow and zinc.

For nerve pain , try St JOhns wort extract (liquid) is stronger than pills.

I am on a bunch of herbals now... Still experimenting to see how effective. I spent over $200 . Valtex is cheaper. 

I might megadose vitaminC and take  oral zinc supplement too . Elderberry?  do some research on google type in killing/fighting viruses  (specifically HSV and EBV) and see what you feel comfortable doing.  

https://draxe.com/antiviral-herbs/

http://www.alive.com/health/natures-virus-killers/

Hang in there! We all made it through too. SO can you!

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29 minutes ago, Lulubelle said:

I can't work out because I'm in so much pain and am an ex athlete so if anyone has advice around which point it's safe/comfortable to workout I'm open to that. 

Give your body a rest while its fighting this virus. If you are over your first OB, then you can work out when you feel comfortable. 

I sometimes can work out on day 2 or 3 of an OB if its not in a bad spot. Its uncomfortable at times but sometimes working helps me feel better.  But,If you are damaging the skin, don't do it  is my advice.

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@IcantThinkofaName this is all super useful. I am going to go to the health foods store and see what I can find. I've been doing valtrax and probiotics and just resting. This is difficult with my social life too :( I hope thy go away soon. I don't want to irritate them by walking etc. it's so painful. Thank you so much I wrote everything down! 

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@CantThinkOfAName what's the difference in IGG and IGM tests? Sounds like it's timing of the antibodies...so if we had sex LDW I want to make sure he gets the right blood test and I have my facts straight. Sounds like the first OB happens 1-2 weeks after contracting the virus ... Which is what happened to me. 

 

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yeah, first OB 2 days -14 days after sexual contact is the norm they say,

As for IGG vs IGM, IGM tests don't specify which type you have and its not reliable anyway. Lots of false negatives too. IGM is the first antibody that will appear before IGG antibodies.  There are some better explanations on this site somewhere. I am no expert.

IGG is type specific  but will not show a recent infection though. Ask him to get IGG, if it shows positive then he's prolly had it  for at least 12 weeks (though not a definitive time frame).  If negative, he should retest in 3-4 months. Was  he sleeping with other people or were you two exclusive? 

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this is my core that i'm testing out. and some monolaurin and lysine. I am not saying these all work. Just trying some stuff out. Hope you find something that helps you.

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@IcantThinkofaName we weren't exclusive. Or we never really talked bout it. I got my first OB almost exactly 10 days after having sex with him and the last time I had sex wth someone was February and I was totally fine. So it's hard not to think it's him. I definitely want him to get the blood work done just for his safety and my own. I definitely need to research more about the blood tests so when he asks me I can answer or I can tell him whyIGG vs IGM. I don't really want to stay with him but I do want o be supportive and be there since I already have it. 

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15 hours ago, Lulubelle said:

@IcantThinkofaName thank so much for your response.

I wonder if the guy I'm dating didn't know he had it. I'm not sure of the symptoms for guys...guys chime in here!!!

But I have HsV 2  - it's been painful and emotionally difficult. This is someone I started dating at the end of July and had sex with for the first time over Labor Day weekend...Thankfully he's not in my social network, so if he knows I have herpes (which he most likely gave to me) then I don't have to worry about the social stigma and my entire network of people finding out (hopefully), but more so how to approach the situation/discussion. Anyone who has been in my shoes and is 26 in the dating scene I would love to hear your thoughts / advice / tips!

And I feel you - I have no desire to be sexual with the guy I've been dating. I think it's going to take a long time for me to be sexually active again (if ever??), but I hope things work out the way you want them to. I definitely wish you the best with your fiancée <3

I sincerely appreciate you reaching out. It's making me feel better already and I'm going to browse around on here and see what I kind find. I'm overwhelmed at what I need to learn and how. I need to adjust my life. 

Thanks for listening :) sending major hugs/positivity your way. Always here to listen as well. 

You asked about a guys opinion. Most people don't know they have the virus, some have minor symptoms and others have visible symptoms. The people who are most at risk of transmitting their virus are either unaware they have it or refuse to get tested for a recurring condition. 

Men tend to get lesser symptoms than women and may not realize they have something contagious. 

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I am sure you got it from him. Sounds like my senario. I got a UTI a few days after sex, at 10 days I had 2 red burning bumps on labia and  bad headache, then more sores a few days later.

Its tricky. Its time to ask him some serious questions and tell him whats going on. I would ask if he's had sex with anyone else. I think the IGG is best esp.if  he hasn't had sex with anyone else in the last 3-4 months. 

He may refuse to get tested. be prepared. He may get defensive. hopefully not, hopefully he will be an adult and take it seriously and get tested, and be concerned for you too. He may need to get 2 test done, months apart also. Find those resources to give him that explain this stuff better than I can.

Its imperative to tell the DR what you want. They even gave me the wrong test  when I clearly told them which one I wanted. I should have called them back from the lab. I had to get retested again because I asked for type specific and they gave me IGM anyway. I asked several times if it was the right test when I saw the order. It looked wrong to me.

You got a swab test done already right? So you know for sure what type you have? You said type 2?

ELisa test IGG, or type specific. But if you were just infected the results will be negative first.

IGM will show antibody results sooner, but not in an established case of HSV. And you won't know which type.

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@IcantThinkofaName this is all super helpful. I'm prepared for all of it because I know it was him and him getting a blood test just validates it and gives me more emotional closure. If he doesn't and get defensive and what not then that's his own issue. I don't know anything about his sexual history so I'll have to ask a lot of questions to get a better understanding. I feel pretty level headed going in to this conversation but not quite yet as educated as I would like to be so I have some homework . It sounds like he could be falsely negative is what you're saying dependin on the test and timing? Even if he had HSV1 I could've gotten HSV2 if we had oral sex yeah?  I need to do a lot of research on the IGG testing and timing. And yeah... I went to Gyno and swab test HSV2

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yes, he could get a false negative.

If he has oral  or genital HSV1 you would have gotten genital HSV1.

If your dr did the swab test right (and it was type specific) and you have HSV2 (for certain), then your giver has HSV2 too.

Its not the location only that determines the type of HSV. You can get type 1 genitally. Its possible to get type 2 orally also.

My swab and blood work came back type2. My dr's office initally said that the swab was not type specific. I asked him if we could find a lab to type it, and they did. 

 

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all just my opinion, i'm not a Dr!  don't hate me or get upset, this is just what i would do or think if it was me:

when a guy is in denial or won't get tested, that to me means he knows he had it.  no guy is just blase or laissez faire about BLISTERS or WOUNDS on his cock!  NO GUY.  trust me on that, 100%!!!  either way, i don't see how anyone could trust someone who MIGHT have known.  time to move on!!!  don't feel trapped just b/c he's the only other guy who knows your status!

look into Lysine as well as the standard AVs and take suppression amounts daily for the first 6 months to a year.  also look into Glutamine.  after 6 month to a year, try to go cold turkey on the AVs.  u want your body to take over suppressing the virus...  if u don't challenge it, it will always be weak, and you'll be at the mercy of the effectiveness of AVs, which is a bad place to be.  the first couple of years can be tough, but it does get better!  for a lot of people it just ends up being an inconvenience (from a physical point of view) like say a week long ankle sprain.

happy to help if i can, good luck!

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      I use witch hazel followed by tea tree oil mixed with coconut oil on my outer labia. I wouldn't try it on the sensitive bits. It might sound crazy, but someone once told me to try desitin maximum strength. I never did so I'm not sure how effective it is.  Zinc. In test tubes, zinc is effective against HSV-1 and HSV-2. In one small study, people who applied zinc oxide cream to cold sores saw them heal faster than those who applied a placebo cream. In another study, people who used a proprietary topical formulation with zinc oxide, l-lysine, and 14 other ingredients saw a decrease in symptoms and duration of lesions. High doses of zinc can be dangerous. Zinc may interact with some antibiotics and with cisplatin, a chemotherapy drug. http://www.umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/condition/herpes-simplex-virus
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