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angelbabi

I dont know what to do

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angelbabi

Ok so here is my question.

I broke up with the man that gave HSV2 to me even though I loved him very much. I am not completely over him yet, but I don’t believe I ever will be. What he did to me destroyed me and has forever marred my reputation. In an attempt to speed up the “getting over him process” I started seeing someone new about two weeks ago. Naturally it is far too early to even begin to think about becoming sexually active with him, but in the event that we decide to move to that level in our relationship down the line I wanted some of your input.

First, how do I approach this subject with him? He doesn’t know yet that I am a carrier and I am not comfortable telling him quite yet. What is a good time frame to tell him in, and how do I tell him?? He is the first person that I might actually have to tell and I am terrified of his possible response!!! I have known him for well over 15 years and we have a lot of mutual friends. I am terrified that once I do come clean and tell him about my “secret” he can get mad at me for not telling him sooner and completely destroy my reputation. Just because I have this…it does not make me a dirty person. I trusted ONE person, and he in turn betrayed me. I just do not know how to tell the new person in my life about it without him running for the hills. I have actually debated about possibly even breaking it off with this new guy just so that I do not have to tell him and risk it all … what are your suggestions??

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catiesmom

I love the poll thing, btw :)

It sounds to me like you're not ready for a new relationship and you know it. The worst possible thing you can do for either of you is continue this if you're really not ready. Let me approach this in scenario form:

Scenario 1: You continue with him and eventually get intimate. Well, obviously you'd have to tell him what you have, and more than putting your reputation at risk, you'd be putting him at risk if he decides to stay with you. Do you want to take that chance on a guy you recognize is a rebound? What if he decides to stay because he loves you so much? Then what!? That wasn't what you wanted. What if he bails because he doesn't want to contract it? Well, you've just opened up to someone who you knew wasn't going to be long term, and now he DOES have the opportunity to tell.

Scenario 2: You break up with him and don't have to tell him. Granted, it would make you single again, but is that really so bad in your current situation? Then again, you might have also just shunned a perfectly good guy who could have become your Mr. Right due to a virus you have no control over. And what if he would have stuck by you? What if you could have given yourself enough time to get over your ex, have a REAL relationship with this guy, and you blew it, because of your virus? That's probably not really what you want either.

Of course, you don't want to be intimate without revealing your secret, so here's what i'd do: Give it time. Let him know you are NOT ready for an intimate relationship, you're not even sure you're ready for a relationship at all (unless you know for sure you aren't, in which case you're not doing him any favors by keeping him hooked), and that the intimate part will DEF have to wait. If he's ok with it, he's got long-term potential. If he's not, all he wanted was in your pants anyway (or he's figured out just how not ready you are, and wants out), and you haven't wasted the time of either of you, nor have you exposed him or been in a position to tell him. However, you could end up with a great guy who will accept you, once you're over your ex and you can see this new relationship for what it is.

I don't think you should tell him EVERYTHING, but letting him know where you two stand is the only fair thing to do. If you lead him on cause you don't want to tell him, but don't see any potential for a relationship or are not ready, you're going to end up hurting his feelings (even if it's just anger). So i say let him know you're not ready (which you're not, for reasons other than HSV), and see what he says. If he's willing to wait it out, wait it out. If he's not willing to wait it out, lesson learned.

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angelbabi

thank you so much. very good advice. the thing with my ex was that he had such a strong hold on me and i dont know that i will ever be really ready to let him go for good...but now that he has done this to me...i have to. and all those scenarios you posed for me are things i have been running over in my mind back and forth for a little while now. i really have some serious thinking to do...thank you for your help!!

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Caliope

Just because you have the plumbing doesn't mean you need to use it. If you are not over your ex you may need more time to deal with your feelings and to heal from the pain of that relationship and how it ended.

There is no reason to jump in there and have a sexual relationship just because it is the fashionable thing to do or just because you want physical comfort.

If you are not sure of how you feel about the new guy perhaps you want to let him know that your heart is still mending and although you enjoy his company would he mind if you wait on sex until a later time or even put up some temporary boundaries while the friendship becomes stronger.

But if you are intent on moving forward to a physical relationship I'd agree with the comments from catiesmom about the risks involved with one addition. I wouldn't want to spill my guts to someone who I didn't trust therefore I'd have a discussion with the intended and ask him how he feels about you and where he see's the relationship going before taking that one step of disclosure. If you hear what you want to hear then proceed.

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angelbabi

thank you! I totally agree with both of you. I did tell him I wanted to wait for a long time before we moved to that level of the relationship, and he seemed to be understanding...i just didnt tell him why...and i am not sure i ever will. i am going to be patient though and give him the benefit of the doubt. who knows, maybe this could be a good thing later on.

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