CONTRACTED 4 DAYS AGO,,,,,PLEASE HELP ME

[worried890]

I am a young male. 4 days ago I had protected sex (first time I've had sex in several months). For the past couple of days, I have been feeling signs of prodrome (flu-like fever, tired...tingling on my genitals.)

I prayed to god for it to be something curable but as I write this tonight, my worst fears are confirmed. The blisters are beggining to appear in the spots where I feel the tingling. I have Herpes. One night of 15 minutes of pleasure has now changed my life until the day I die.

I have no idea the obstacles which now lay ahead of me. What will happen with the new exciting relationship I had just started? Do I tell my parents? Why can't I just redo this past week. Just one week.

I found myself looking at people over the past couple days, people on t.v., people on the streets, people at work. I wonder to myself if any of these people I am looking at are also infected with the disease. I wonder what their experiences are like. I want to be able to ask them for advice. But I can't. I'm alone on this one.

And that's the irony of it all. I had sex because I wanted to not feel alone. I was tired of being alone. And now, I am more alone than I could have ever imagined.

Life will go on, but not the same. I now have a deep dark secret. One that my friends I pray will never know of. One that I fear at my young age, will prevent me from courting other young people. How can I date people within my social circle without my rotten secret being exposed, to my friends, and to those I work with. It would always be in the back of their minds just as it will be in mine.

I pray for a cure. I pray for my life back.

[Guest Anonymous]

recently diagnosed too

Hey there. This is my first post on this forum and I felt your topic was an excellent place to start. I have been reading the posts all over this forum for the past two days (since I saw the doc at planned parenthood and flipped my shiznit just like everyone else) and you have come to the right place. I'm not sure how long this site has been around but there are people I already feel I have come to know and appreciate who have encouraged me and I haven't even interacted yet (particularly Faith, Richard, and that cheerful pilot guy with the photos from lake Michigan =}

I'm 22. I'm bisexual. I have always practiced safe sex (though not always safe oral sex which is a huge issue when it comes to herpes and likely how I contracted it though I honestly have no idea and shall never know). Our generation, however, is just screwed in the face of todays STD epidemic and it's true when they say the only safe sex is no sex. I was never and could never be one of those abstinent people. Now, I feel my life is over. I was even so dramatic as to say so to the three men I had to inform of their possible exposure. This very likely did not help matters, but then again, I'm still pretty shaken by all this and just within the last few hours have gotton up the courage to post...thinking rationally may take some time.

However, I DID tell the people I needed to and this is something I haven't heard many peple discuss here. Everyone talks about telling people you are potentially going to have sex with or begin relationships with...but what about the people you may have endangered before you knew you had it? Maybe everyone is just more chaste than I was or something but I don't think so.... Let me explain:

I first noticed something wrong last November and immediatly set up an appointment at the public health clinic near where I was living at the time in Northern California (I have been tested for STD's 4 times this year alone as I have always been hyper-paranoid about this stuff and careful etc etc...and...I had a lot of sex). The doc took a culture and I was eventually 100% misdiagnosed. From what I have read this is very very common. The outbreak was so darn mild that she had me convinced it was an ingrown hair and I slept with a few folks between then and now. A few days ago it came back in the same spot and more obviously something very unwelcome. I had moved back to the Northeast since then and went to a planned parenthood where they took a blood sample and the doc told me.."yep, that's herpes". To be an honest and responsible human being I had to call those casual sex encounters up one by one and tell them they all had to be concerned of possible exposure. It really sucked to have to explain that condoms may not have done the trick.

Now, my casual sex life is over. It did not matter how safe I was it got me in the end and I suppose when, as a woman, you increase your risk by 5% with every person you sleep with I should have gotton this a long time ago. I have only had one long term relationship in my life and I now feel as if the next person I touch is going to have to be the person I marry.

I hate this. I am not a trusting person. I do not look foward to playing the games this is going to require-- staving them off and making excuses, testing and looking for love, doing this stupid little dance until trust is gained... I was perfectly happy being "alone" before and telling people that "love never comes when you are looking for it" and now...well, now I feel so freaking alone that it's like the only thing I can do it look and fear and hope and fear and wait and look and worry and cry. And I don't want to. I want to be able to focus on having a rel life of my own. I just graduated from college last May. I have a degree from a good school with a good reputation in my field. I can be using these things and building myself up and having other passions besides the sexual beings around me... I know all this...but I can't do it yet. I'm still incapacitated by having my whole world taken and fouled up like finding your sweet, innocent, golden retriever crushed under the wheels of a semi.

I'm sorry to be so dramatic, but I think we can all relate and I apologize for needing the venting space too. I suppose that's what this pl;ace is for.

So, worried890, I fear I have not been as helpful as I set out to be in reposnding to your post, but instead went off about myself. At least I hope you know people relate and feel just as aweful as you do. I hope some of those inspiring and wonderful people who post in hear come pick up this thread and tell us both how alright it's going to be and counteract some of my negativity, which, again, I'm sorry about. Actually, it's kind of funny... I went crazy this morning looking for the number of the one friend I have who I know has herpes, a friend I just graduated with, and when I finally found it and called her (she had gone through excruciating pain and sickness and the person who gave it to her denied it for a year before fessing up) and told her what was up hew first response was: "Oh, it isn't that bad!" She swears by b-propolis (sp?) which I still know little or nothing about 'cept that we steal it from bees.

Blah. I babble. To anyone who reads and responds...Thank you so much. This is quite a site.

[Guest Anonymous]

And that's the irony of it all. I had sex because I wanted to not feel alone. I was tired of being alone. And now, I am more alone than I could have ever imagined.

You are the only person who can fix feeling 'alone'.

Noone else can make you feel un-alone...

In fact, the most lonely I EVER felt was when I was IN a relationship. If the relationship is not honest, and open, and conforting, and communicative... Its a LONELY place. When you don't have a CONNECTION with people... both friends and love partners... You are alone...

You can't find love with sex.... But if you find love first, great sex comes with it. (yes, EVEN if you have HSV)

The only way to NOT feel alone is to expose yourself to others... The only way to expose yourself to others is to be honest. ANYTHING less then honesty you are putting up a front... an image.... a shield.... a fence...

How can you make connections with people when you are interacting from behind a fence?????

I now have a deep dark secret. One that my friends I pray will never know of.

When you reach a point that you don't care if your friends know... You are on your way to being 'better'.

This is not about a disease... Its about how you feel about yourself...

Life will go on, but not the same.

Life will go on.... The question is, will you overcome HSV? Or will you let HSV overcome you?

I pray for a cure. I pray for my life back.

You have 2 choices...

You can put your life on hold and pray for a cure, which will return you to your naive superficially 'happy place' that you were before you got HSV.

OR

You can learn more about yourself... learn more about love... and immerse yourself more deeply in life then you did pre-HSV. You can learn what life is really about, learn what happiness is REALLy about, and you can find love and happiness that you MAY have never found if not for having HSV which makes it NECCESARY to find true happiness...

People without HSV or other major issues in life can live under a quixotic search for happiness. You can fool yourself into thinking that happiness is found by gaining or seeking the closest things to perfect in as many areas of your life as you can. As good of a job as you can... as good of a car as you can afford... as beautiful of a wife as you can find... etc etc etc.

When you get HSV it throws you SO far off track in your quest to be everything that you think you need to be, to be happy, and to be wanted and to be loved.... That you think you'll never get where you want with HSV.

The best part about that if you have faith, and hope and love (FHL) you will look for a way to find happiness... and in your search, the only conclusion that you will find, that will FIT is that happiness comes from love... Pure and simple.... If you were SURROUNDED by love... How happy would you be???

How AWESOME is it to be loved? How great does it feel to be near a person who is happy, honest, pleasant, caring, interested in you...

A person who listens... understands... comforts... shares.... HOW much do you enjoy being around people like that?

And now WHAT about have HSV prevents you from being ANY of those things?

....not a DAMN thing

You can be ALL of those things... You can be MORE of those things then people who DON'T have HSV because YOU know... Because YOU KNOW the only thing that matters... YOU KNOW that love is the only thing that works. The only thing that matters...

And guess what... Love is the ONLY thing that you have an unlimited supply of. You can love 500 people and still have the ability to love 1 more person with as much care, compassion, and heart as all the rest, without taking away from your ability to love all the rest.

It takes practice, and self-evaluation to learn to love other people... And of course, you have to start with loving yourself. I'll throw in one of my favorite quotes again:

You are the love you seek.

You are the companionship you desire.

You are your own completion.

You are your best friend, you confidante.

"You are, the one that you are looking for."

You are the only who can do what you are looking for someone else to do

The hardest thing to do is to learn to love yourself... Love isn't taking, its giving... and unless you can give love... you have nothing to offer... When you learn to love yourself you become love... Love just eminates from you, and as love draws to love, love will be drawn to you... I know that's a tad abstract, but its true...

Once you learn to love yourself (which is the hard part) loving other people becomes REALLY easy... So after you learn to love yourself (which you can do NOW) work on your relationships with your FAMILY AND FRIENDS... Those are EASY places to develop loving relationships.. (depending on your family situation, it may not be but friends for sure are easy places to start)

Once you master having loving relationships with your friends... Then you are in a position to encounter a significant other who you can build a relationship with, and THEN after that, the great sex part comes...

This board is a great place... And you can come here, and talk about a lot of things, and learn about a lot of things, and share experiences with other people, and all that...

But when you boil it down, the only way this board makes a difference is if people read something, and it makes you think...

But make no mistake... YOU fix yourself at the moment of your choosing.... Don't you think its time?

fhl,

nik

[Faith]

Hi worried 890 and ex-slut,

Forgive me for answering you both with this post.

By the way, what a name... "ex-slut"......... ?? LOL

Well... Even if I could go back to the past, and could redo what I did, .... I wouldn't change it. MC37 Pilot always says the same thing....

This may sound odd to you guys, but.... getting herpes (I have HSV-2) is one of the most wonderful thing that happened to me. Surely, it has changed my life. ........For better.

If I didn't have herpes, I would've missed sooooooo many great things in the world.

You guys are still young, if you can learn something very important now from this experience, herpes, you're gonna have a longer wonderful future! I guarantee it! I'm not even telling you that you should be a monk or nun. We all get horny, we need to enjoy intimacy.

What I'm saying is, you can do it also, but only in a balanced way. Believe me, you're gonna feel much better than before you got herpes.

Whatever we do, we have some kind of risk. When you drive, you may enter a car accident. When you go skiing, you may break your leg. Even... when you eat, you may choke and die.

.... But you do it anyway. Because you need it, because you like it regardless of the risk, because you enjoy it more than you fear....

When you keep them well-balanced, you don't meet any problem. But once you lose the balance, that's the time you feel that you're in trouble.

Now think about sex. As long as you have sex with someone who you love and care for, as long as you do it for something very valuable, you wouldn't regret even if you get uncurable disease.

When we get freedom (any kind of freedom), we get risk at the same time. They are always balanced and they always exist together.

But when we seek excessive freedom, We need limiter to keep them balanced.

To people who try to take advantage of this freedom "sex", herpes is given as a limiter to keep them balanced.

To people who didn't try to take advantage of it (but still got it), herpes is given, because it doesn't affect on their balanced life at all.

It's that simple.

I always think that this is the real world here in this forum. We speak out true mind here, we all know huge sadness that can happen in every person's life, we are very sober, looking at people who are drunk with happiness and love which they don't know it's phony and fragile.

I don't know what other people feel. But I always wanted to know the truth. I didn't wanna be someone who thinks that she knows everything, while she doesn't know anything. Still...there are sooo many things in this world that I don't know about, and as long as I live, I wanna know them, learn, and grow. And the great part of this, is... the more I know the truth, the easier the life becomes for me to live.

This is a great chance to re-evaluate your life, and to find who you really are, and to find what the important thing is in your life......

Once you know that, life becomes easier and meaningful for you to live, and you WILL know that having herpes is not a bad luck at all. It's rather good luck.

About your question, ex-slut, ("about the people you may have endangered before you knew you had it?")

You didn't know that you had herpes when you slept with them......

You had no bad intention, you just didn't know.....

If you still have contact with those people, or if they are still your friends, .. mmm probably you should tell and explain. They may be mad, but it's not your fault that you didn't know. You tell them for them to take care of themselves.... When they had sex with you, a half of responsibility is on them for the result of the sex.

And about propolis

I've also heard that it's good for herpes.

But also, I've read an article of a doctor who has been studying herpes for a long time.... She said propolis many times gives you a drug rash. Besides, it may make your body allergic constitution.... sometimes they even use it in their experiments to make mice allergic reaction.

So... just be careful... be aware of the possibility of getting bad result by taking it. If it works for you, it must be for you. But if you get allergic reaction, you should stop it...

Please hang in.

How you react to this difficulty, how you live right now at this moment, is creating your future.

Your future can be great and wonderful.

It's all up to you.

Best wishes..

Faith

[MC37 Pilot]

oops, forgot to log-in, that was my post from above... damn, now I cant edit my spelling errors...

Oh well...

"love never comes when you are looking for it"

No it doesn't....

Because you can't find love until you are love yourself...

And you won't recognize love until you have love yourself...

"Oh, it isn't that bad!"

You'll say the same thing some day!

[Faith]

oops' date=' forgot to log-in, that was my post from above... damn, now I cant edit my spelling errors...[/quote']

The post before me.

Hey Nik, we were working on the same theme almost at the same time, huh? LOLOL

Faith

[Guest Anonymous]

thanks for the prompt responses you guys. soon I will no longer have regular (or private) access to a computer as I am moving again soon but thank goodness for you who do and use it to take the time in places like this. I hope to stay in contact with this forum and I'll certainly stick around for the next few days as I arrange travel plans. I was very tempted to curl up in a ball and die when I found out....stay in New England...be depressed and not move on with the plans I had. I don't want to do that anymopre, but I also don't know how to stop obsessing. I think too much anyway and now that I have something like this to think about?! Heh. Yeah. Anyway.

To Faith:

I know it is a helpful way to think about the condition, but I don't know about this whole "being given it for a reason" thing. That's the same as those helpless seekers who are convinced that there is a "meaning" to life. Life just happened upon this planet when some ammino acids linked up in the right way and then evolution began. It was...well..an accident. And a very very lucky one. Human beings are the ones that place value on things and give them names and meanings. (the concept of "luck" alone is a human invention due to our relationship and understanding of probability...also a concept WE made up) The world is just a place we live in and herpes is just a thing we have. Human beings are the reason it is stigmatized and people hate each other over petty things. Everything we think and feel is created from within ourselves and how we react and live in our society. I am NOT being hopeless or negative when I say there is no meaning to life. I am pointing out that WE create the meaning ourselves. If it helps for me to tell myself I needed limitations and that's why I got herpes...I will. But, if that just succeeds in making me feel like a dirty person who "asked for it" despite years of teaching other people about safe sex and being a careful person...I won't. What gets me through, I guess, is the scientific approach of "well, things happen, viruses multiply, and we do what we can to make it better" OF COURSE this can make us stronger... WE give new meaning to life, right? We are human beings with the amazing capability to imagine and invent and love.

I personally do not believe in any power higher than our own social psychology and the forces of time and tide. The ways those things interact...well...I suppose that's where people come up with religion...call it what you will if it does you good I'm for it!

[Faith]

I know it is a helpful way to think about the condition, but I don't know about this whole "being given it for a reason" thing. That's the same as those helpless seekers who are convinced that there is a "meaning" to life.

If you use the theory for you lean on, yes you are one of those helpless seeker.

Life just happened upon this planet when some ammino acids linked up in the right way and then evolution began. It was...well..an accident. And a very very lucky one. Human beings are the ones that place value on things and give them names and meanings. (the concept of "luck" alone is a human invention due to our relationship and understanding of probability...also a concept WE made up) The world is just a place we live in and herpes is just a thing we have. Human beings are the reason it is stigmatized and people hate each other over petty things. Everything we think and feel is created from within ourselves and how we react and live in our society. I am NOT being hopeless or negative when I say there is no meaning to life. I am pointing out that WE create the meaning ourselves.

I totally agree.

"WE" are the ones who put the meaning to things that happen to us.

Being give it for a reason... doesn't have to be religious thing.

( In fact, I'm not religious at all. )

It's just a different point of view of what you just said.

Well... I actually don't know what to say... cuz I agree with you... all things you said, and still persist on all I said.

It's only the matter of choice of words, it's only the matter of from which side you look at a fact (or thuth)...

And... I basically think that when it comes to very spiritual part of ourselves.... if you believe in some kind of religion or if you don't believe in any kind of religion, or if you are atheist,... really doesn't matter..

Just knowing who you are using everything you know, everything that happens to you... that's what we are doing. How we do it... is just a means..

Faith

[Guest Anonymous]

yep! language is the compromise we make to understand each other and since it is a compromise it make take us a few tries to understand each other or in this case realize that we are talking about the same things! =}

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. I am glad to be amongst people who have learned not to shun or scoff at anyone for their personal aspirations, faiths, lives, loves... If it takes something like herpes for some folks to get to that place.... maybe there's the "reason"

=}

[Faith]

You're welcome.

Your heart is in the right place. Just keep doing the right thing like you're doing now. I know you'll be just fine. <smile>

yep! language is the compromise we make to understand each other

Existing with our body,.... that's already a compromise. <grin>

Best wishes...

Faith

[no more hope]

I pray for a cure. I pray for my life back.

Worried890 --

everything you wrote ... i feel the exact same way. i'm 21 years old and contracted oral herpes ... and i think i contracted it from someone who i kissed because i didn't want to feel alone. ... and now i'm afraid i'll be alone forever. if you want to talk, please just let me know through this forum.

like you, i have this feeling of hopelessness right now and hope no one ever finds out i have herpes.

i hate living like this. living in fear. wondering if the next day will be the day that a huge cold sore appears on my face and everyone knows what i have. i can't even share drinks with my friends anymore ... in fact, i'm afraid to drink at all because i don't want to trigger an outbreak.

it really feels like no one elsei know has this problem!

i want my life back too.

[Guest Anonymous]

Well I've posted several times on here as a guest. I believe I'm logged on-not sure.

Anyway, yes Faith and Mc37pilot have been great. Just reading your posts have helped me out these past two months. They can really lift your spirits.

Worried, I know how you feel. I went through the EXACT emotions that you are going through......just three months ago. In just three months I am 95% better emotionally. I HAD to tell someone or I would have died. I told my best friend and my mom the first day. I was a wreck.....they didn't know what was wrong. I can honestly say that whenever I talk about it to either of them, they say "what are you talking about", they constantly tell me that they don't even have it in the back of their head. It's all in your head that everyone will be thinking of it constantly like you. I think about it constantly and just recently the time thinking of it is going down. It will for you too. People that love you will NOT judge you because of this. I recently had to tell my sister. I was very scared that she would think less of me or whatever. I started to cry, and with her most generous voices she said "what's wrong?" I told her and the first thing she said, are you serious, I know a lot of people with it. She started naming names.... She's like this ones married, this ones' pregnant...blah blah blah. I just wanted to let you know that anyone who loves you will not think anything of it and will just want to help you get better emotionally.

I was hopeful for a cure also. But if you really think about it you just have to move on. There are so many diseases and viruses that need to be cured before herpes. Yes, I would love to hear one day that there is a cure. However, I would rather see a cure for AIDs and cancer before a cure for herpes. I can live with this virus. They can't.

You can't think about the one 15 minutes of pleasure. If I thought about it I would be in a mental hospital....because I didn't get a whole 15 minutes. It was only a minute or two. He was a horrible man all the way around....lol. I used protection also. I was a very careful person. Sleeping with only two men my entire life and I am only 25. I've only had sex probably 10 times in my life with two people. I could be down about that....but I'm not going to be. I can't.

There are so many people that love you I'm sure. They don't want to see you in some type of emotional pain that they don't know the reason for. You have to let go. You can't dwell on could've been or should've beens.

All I can say is that it will get better with time. Everyday gets a little better.

Lovely

[worried890]

I'm overwhelmed with appreciation for everyone who has replied to my initial post from a few days ago. I want to thank you all for taking the time to reach out with your warm words and advice. Thank you.

It has only been five days now since I first noticed the initial signs of this coming on. Five of the longest, most stressfull, and sleepless days in my life. I have been all over the place mentally trying to cope with this. I know that what is done is done, and there is no turning back, so I try to not second guess my decisions that got me here. I'm trying to picture my life three months from now, one year from now, ten years from now, and see what life with the virus will be like. I feel like I've died and been given a second chance at life, but this time the pavement on the rode has narrowed down to a tight rope, (I feel like options will be limited.)

Any advice you guys can give me, especially from your experiences in the initial stages of contracting the disease, will be so greatly appreciated. Anything you can think of that would have been helpful to know when you first started having to live with this will be so helpful for me over the coming days and weeks.

My thanks to you all again....

[Palomita]

I understand what you're going through and wish you comfort and peace as soon as humanly possible. Personally (I was diagnosed 4 years ago) this is probably one of the hardest things I have gone through but I don't think I would have been able to do it alone. I blurted my results out to my boyfriend over a pay phone moments after I found out. He was supportive and stayed with me (later I realized I probably got it from his lips). However, that "first" symptom could have been dormant, brought on with a vengeance by the high stress I was under that day. The more I learn about HSV the more I realize we are unusual if we know for certain from whom we contracted it.

When I first got it, I was told I would have recurring ob's which would lessen with time. Happily, I have not had what I could recognize as an ob since the initial. Until today, that is...but that's another story.

Anyway, know that it's way darker now than it will be tomorrow. And know that I have several friends who have it who are in loving relationships and married and they don't even think about it anymore unless they have an ob, which has just become part of life and not unbearable.

If you have someone you trust, talk to them. The shame you feel will eat you up and it is TOTALLY unwarranted. You are not dirty or less than for having this. The odds just caught up with you, as they will someone else tomorrow.

My friend from High School 14 years ago and I were talking last night (turns out he has it, too) and we both agreed that the physical part of the disease is the minor part. The perceived social stigma is by far the worst part. Ironically, so many people who you perceive might stand in judgment either have it and know it or have it and don't. I have read that something like 80% of the people who have it don't know that they do.

Knowing you have it is a responsibility. For what it's worth, however, I am noticing that it has led me here - to a point where I chose someone based solely on character and soul. Something about knowing that I will have to have such a serious converstaion before jumping in bed makes me think very hard about with whom I am spending time.

Hang in there, pamper yourself, watch a funny movie, do whatever makes you feel good. You're delicate right now, but time is your friend. : ) Palomita

[Toni]

Hey Hey there. You sound like me when I posted my topic, Definitely Not Hymroids. I was trying to be comical but anyway. I am 18 and I just found out a couple of months ago that I have herpes. It is very devastating. But you have to get through this and make it because guess what YOU ARE NOT DYING. THANK GOD, we both are not dying from sinful pleasure that only lasts a couple of minutes. It hurts to realize that today you have herpes and yesterday you had your health. I feel the same way sometimes. But time heals hurt. It will be okay. You will have good days and bad days. You determine what days are good and what days are bad. Trust me, it will be okay. My moms tells me that things only get worst if you think they can't. I don't know if you are religious but you really don't have to be. But just pray or continue to pray or else it will get worst.