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NtgivnUP

New diagnosis - went from his potential wife to nothing in a matter of days!!

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    Ok so here's my story. Met this man back in March of this  year. I didn't know how I felt about him so I was kind of all over the place with my emotions and kind of blew him off. He never gave up and continued to pursue (called, texted even if I didn't answer) me. June is when I realized he seemed like a good guy and it was me with the issues (past relationships were not very good, etc). Anyway, we started being intimate in June and that kind of started the relationship. He had always said that there was something about me and that is why he never gave up even though his friends were telling him to move on. 

    The relationship was great! We hung out regularly and the sex was off the charts. I am a stickler about condoms to the point that I have some at home just in case he runs out of his own. The 2nd time we were intimate using his condoms the dam thing slid completely off and I had no idea b/c I was in la la land. He realized moments later and we simply got up, tried to dig it out, put another one on and kept it moving. There was another time when he got frisky and slid it in and pumped a few times before I tapped him on his back, pointed to the night stand and said "condoms". I was really only concerned about babies not diseases and he had no problem putting one on.

    Things are progressing nicely...he even met my kids. He started telling me and his friends that he thought I was "the one" and at 42 I was very happy b/c he seemed legit and very respectful. 

    Well September (last month) I was going for my regular physical. I went in for the lab work late on Sept 28 and requested STD testing to sort of get that out of the way since me and my new boo were talking future here. On 9/30 we attend my friend's wedding and we look like we had stepped out of a magazine! We looked so good that I put our pic on my FB profile which I had never done in the past. So many compliments from friends and family and he even sent our pics to all of his friends and family.  After the wedding we go have dinner and have an amazing talk about our future, merging lives, etc. I was really happy ya'll!!  I even stayed at his place overnight for the first time and he even got up and made me breakfast the next morning. We did not have traditional sex b/c I was on my period but I took care of him in other ways. 

    Oct 3 is my actual physical with my doctor.  She tells me that I am in pretty good health (LDL/HDL, etc looks great) but she didn't mention my STD testing so I asked about it. She checked her computer and said that the lab neglected to test for STDs and asked if I still wanted it done and I said "sure" thinking all should be good. She then says that she will do a full STD panel which I didn't know hadn't been done in the past and just sort of nodded and went over for more blood work. 

    Oct 4 I am at home preparing dinner and had big plans to go see boo on Oct 5 where we planned to wear each other out b/c we hadn't been able to days before. Well the doctor's office calls and the nurse proceeds to tell me that I do not have HIV/AIDS and the other 2 major diseases. At that time I had sort of started to half listen as I stirred my shrimp and tended to my rice. She then said "you also tested positive for the antibodies associated with Herpes" and time STOPPED!! I asked her to repeat herself and she said it again and asked if I had had any outbreaks and I am like "NO". She said that I had HSV 2 and if I have an outbreak to make an appt to swab the spot. She then referred me to the CDC site and wanted to end the call like she was simply telling me my pizza was ready to be picked up. I kept her on the call and had several other questions that she kindly answered and also shared a personal story about her sister that has the antibodies and never had an outbreak and how it had been years, etc. So in my mind I am thinking I need to see the doc again but she said not until I have an outbreak....ummm why wait is what I am thinking. 

    So I end the call and immediately think of my new boo. We have been intimate for the last 3 months and this man has been waiting on me to come around. I also thought of 2 other guy friends that had told me a few years back that they had it. One guy told me the chick he was seeing casually for a year knew she had it and never said a word and I thought that was soooo wrong!! Anyway, I let about 30 mins pass and I text boo to see what time he got off so he calls and says he is already off and almost home (30 mins from me). I ask him if he could come by and he said traffic was too nasty, etc. then asked what was wrong. So I tell him the doctor called and first tell him I don't have HIV/AIDS and the other 2 major ones BUT I tested positive for the antibodies and he was confused and asked questions. I get so choked up that I ended up crying and could not speak and just hung up the phone! That was on Oct 4....this man did not reach out to me until 10/9...10/9!! I reached out on Oct 5 and told him I was able to get in to to see the doc on 10/9 and he responded very nonchalantly but that was it...nothing until the morning of 10/9 where he sends me a dam email pretty much ending it all. The email simply says that he is sorry this has happened to me and that he wishes me and my family well then adds that I really meant a lot to him b/c he had not been able to eat or sleep all weekend, etc and how wonderful out future would have been had this not come up....WTF??. So I respond and light into his ass about not reaching out to me before then and how I felt he offered me no dam support. The nurse said that b/c I haven't had any outbreaks I could have had it for years or as early as his butt...no one knows. My HSV 2 number is 5 which my doctor said means nothing as the numbers increase and decrease depending on outbreaks. Funny thing is...that weekend I spent satisfying him in other ways...my face was tingly as hell for days after that but I just thought I wore those muscles out! LOL, funny now but not really. 

    Anyway, the boo finally calls on the afternoon of 10/9 as I head to the doctor. He tone is NASTY...I mean NASTY!! Like I knew I had this crap and didn't tell him or something. He proceeds to tell me that he got tests last year and I tried explaining to him that regular STD test don't include Herpes but he was adamant that his did.  He fully believes there is no way this could have come from him and I keep telling him we won't know until he gets tested. I told him that I would have NEVER responded to him the way he did to me!! I would have been more supportive and we would have went to the doc together and did our research, etc. We actually get into a full blown fuss match and the call did not end very well By the time I get to the doc my pulse is high and I had to calm my nerves.  I talk to the doc which really didn't do much but tell me stories of couples she had to counsel where this just kind of came out of nowhere. One couple got married 6 months ago and she came in last week b/c of a bump on her butt and it was HSV2..she and and boo had been together for years. The doc again says the same thing...go and practice safe sex and only return if I have an outbreak. I even asked about the meds as I had dam near read every article on the net after I got the call and boo blew me off for dam days (still pisses me off) but she didn't think it was a good idea to start taking them if I don't have any symptoms. 

    So after I leave the doc I am not in the best moods. I sent boo an email about my doc visit as she had offered to talk to the both of us at any time. Later on I started thinking about how he had treated me and I sent a long email pretty much expressing my disappointment with him and how I suddenly went from his potential wife to just a friend in a matter of days. He never tried to see what his options were and immediately pretty much walked the F away leaving me here to deal with this ish by myself. How can he act like this when I was potentially the one?? 

    I sent the email on 10/9 and I have not heard from him and right now I am just like "whatever"....I am so over it!! Am I overreacting?? I mean, if it was him telling me this news I would not have turned my back on him after we had already been intimate and were talking big future plans....I just would not have given up so easy!! We are both in our early 40s and it's soooo hard to find someone that gets you these days. I thought I had that in him but now I am alone and constantly in the bathroom with a magnifying mirror looking at my precious vagina seeing if something shows up!! Ugh..FML!!

    I don't even know if he plans to get tested or what since he is so certain he is clean as a whistle.  I remember that the last couple of months he had been complaining about being tired all the time and how his body is achy to the point that he can't sleep in his bed but has to sleep on the couch. He recently said he had been getting headaches too so who knows....I'm at a loss!! 

    Anyway, Hi ya'll....my ass is here!! 

    Edited by NtgivnUP
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    No you're not overreacting at all. He is acting suspiciously IMO. You could ask him to see his previous test results to prove he was in fact tested for and negative for hsv2. He should also be willing to re-test and show his results, since you have had sex with him while presumably infected. Even with condom use there is still a chance of infection. 

    He could have been positive with no symptoms and infected you, or you could have gotten it from someone previously with no symptoms. Had you been tested before for hsv

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    Sorry for your situation. Just can’t figure folks out anymore. I’d kill to have someone as open and honest as you were. 

    Consider it a warning. A man that age shouldn’t behave so weakly. 

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    1 hour ago, WTHerp said:

    No you're not overreacting at all. He is acting suspiciously IMO. You could ask him to see his previous test results to prove he was in fact tested for and negative for hsv2. He should also be willing to re-test and show his results, since you have had sex with him while presumably infected. Even with condom use there is still a chance of infection. 

    He could have been positive with no symptoms and infected you, or you could have gotten it from someone previously with no symptoms. Had you been tested before for hsv

    This was my first time getting the full STD panel test per my doctor. I’ve had STD tests in the past. Funny thing is..the lab dropped the ball when they were to test me initially but didn’t so that’s when my doc said she would put in request for full STD panel test otherwise it would have been just the 4 major ones. Things happen for a reason!! I still think his response was just ridiculous to throw the entire relationship in the trash without even trying.  I just see it as he obviously wasn’t the one for me. He showed me test he took in Sept 2016 which was only checking for the basics (HDL/LDL, etc). Nothing on that paper about STDs. If I exposed this to him it was obviously not intentional b/c I didn’t know myself so he should have been a little kind in his tone even if he still decided he didn’t want this anymore. Smh 

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    39 minutes ago, Luckenbach said:

    Sorry for your situation. Just can’t figure folks out anymore. I’d kill to have someone as open and honest as you were. 

    Consider it a warning. A man that age shouldn’t behave so weakly. 

    Thank you and I agree about taking it as a warning. I will move on with my life with my head held high b/c I was completely honest with him and told him within an hour of me finding out. I could have kept it to myself but my moral compass is too strong and I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me! 

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    Sorry to say that this episode has weeded him out. If this is his reaction to HSV imagine what it might be for something serious.

    You however get the actual test you had performed and the results to see if confirmation testing is needed.

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    1 minute ago, WilsoInAus said:

    Sorry to say that this episode has weeded him out. If this is his reaction to HSV imagine what it might be for something serious.

    You however get the actual test you had performed and the results to see if confirmation testing is needed.

    My thoughts exactly. Isn't it better to find out early before investing even more time into the relationship?

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    19 hours ago, NtgivnUP said:

    This was my first time getting the full STD panel test per my doctor. I’ve had STD tests in the past. Funny thing is..the lab dropped the ball when they were to test me initially but didn’t so that’s when my doc said she would put in request for full STD panel test otherwise it would have been just the 4 major ones. Things happen for a reason!! I still think his response was just ridiculous to throw the entire relationship in the trash without even trying.  I just see it as he obviously wasn’t the one for me. He showed me test he took in Sept 2016 which was only checking for the basics (HDL/LDL, etc). Nothing on that paper about STDs. If I exposed this to him it was obviously not intentional b/c I didn’t know myself so he should have been a little kind in his tone even if he still decided he didn’t want this anymore. Smh 

    So he showed you nothing basically. Very suspicious...

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    If this is his reaction to herpes at HIS age, God forbid you have cancer or something serious. The In sickness and in health test? He failed............

    Let him find someone just as childish as he is.

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    I agree with everyone else. When my husband & i began seriously dating i informed him of my situation (herpes) & i gave him the option to leave. As a man who loves me, he stuck around and married me & said he was in it for the long haul. If a man truly loves you he'll stick by u no matter what

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    On 10/16/2017 at 3:53 PM, NtgivnUP said:

    Ok so here's my story. Met this man back in March of this  year. I didn't know how I felt about him so I was kind of all over the place with my emotions and kind of blew him off. He never gave up and continued to pursue (called, texted even if I didn't answer) me. June is when I realized he seemed like a good guy and it was me with the issues (past relationships were not very good, etc). Anyway, we started being intimate in June and that kind of started the relationship. He had always said that there was something about me and that is why he never gave up even though his friends were telling him to move on. 

    The relationship was great! We hung out regularly and the sex was off the charts. I am a stickler about condoms to the point that I have some at home just in case he runs out of his own. The 2nd time we were intimate using his condoms the dam thing slid completely off and I had no idea b/c I was in la la land. He realized moments later and we simply got up, tried to dig it out, put another one on and kept it moving. There was another time when he got frisky and slid it in and pumped a few times before I tapped him on his back, pointed to the night stand and said "condoms". I was really only concerned about babies not diseases and he had no problem putting one on.

    Things are progressing nicely...he even met my kids. He started telling me and his friends that he thought I was "the one" and at 42 I was very happy b/c he seemed legit and very respectful. 

    Well September (last month) I was going for my regular physical. I went in for the lab work late on Sept 28 and requested STD testing to sort of get that out of the way since me and my new boo were talking future here. On 9/30 we attend my friend's wedding and we look like we had stepped out of a magazine! We looked so good that I put our pic on my FB profile which I had never done in the past. So many compliments from friends and family and he even sent our pics to all of his friends and family.  After the wedding we go have dinner and have an amazing talk about our future, merging lives, etc. I was really happy ya'll!!  I even stayed at his place overnight for the first time and he even got up and made me breakfast the next morning. We did not have traditional sex b/c I was on my period but I took care of him in other ways. 

    Oct 3 is my actual physical with my doctor.  She tells me that I am in pretty good health (LDL/HDL, etc looks great) but she didn't mention my STD testing so I asked about it. She checked her computer and said that the lab neglected to test for STDs and asked if I still wanted it done and I said "sure" thinking all should be good. She then says that she will do a full STD panel which I didn't know hadn't been done in the past and just sort of nodded and went over for more blood work. 

    Oct 4 I am at home preparing dinner and had big plans to go see boo on Oct 5 where we planned to wear each other out b/c we hadn't been able to days before. Well the doctor's office calls and the nurse proceeds to tell me that I do not have HIV/AIDS and the other 2 major diseases. At that time I had sort of started to half listen as I stirred my shrimp and tended to my rice. She then said "you also tested positive for the antibodies associated with Herpes" and time STOPPED!! I asked her to repeat herself and she said it again and asked if I had had any outbreaks and I am like "NO". She said that I had HSV 2 and if I have an outbreak to make an appt to swab the spot. She then referred me to the CDC site and wanted to end the call like she was simply telling me my pizza was ready to be picked up. I kept her on the call and had several other questions that she kindly answered and also shared a personal story about her sister that has the antibodies and never had an outbreak and how it had been years, etc. So in my mind I am thinking I need to see the doc again but she said not until I have an outbreak....ummm why wait is what I am thinking. 

    So I end the call and immediately think of my new boo. We have been intimate for the last 3 months and this man has been waiting on me to come around. I also thought of 2 other guy friends that had told me a few years back that they had it. One guy told me the chick he was seeing casually for a year knew she had it and never said a word and I thought that was soooo wrong!! Anyway, I let about 30 mins pass and I text boo to see what time he got off so he calls and says he is already off and almost home (30 mins from me). I ask him if he could come by and he said traffic was too nasty, etc. then asked what was wrong. So I tell him the doctor called and first tell him I don't have HIV/AIDS and the other 2 major ones BUT I tested positive for the antibodies and he was confused and asked questions. I get so choked up that I ended up crying and could not speak and just hung up the phone! That was on Oct 4....this man did not reach out to me until 10/9...10/9!! I reached out on Oct 5 and told him I was able to get in to to see the doc on 10/9 and he responded very nonchalantly but that was it...nothing until the morning of 10/9 where he sends me a dam email pretty much ending it all. The email simply says that he is sorry this has happened to me and that he wishes me and my family well then adds that I really meant a lot to him b/c he had not been able to eat or sleep all weekend, etc and how wonderful out future would have been had this not come up....WTF??. So I respond and light into his ass about not reaching out to me before then and how I felt he offered me no dam support. The nurse said that b/c I haven't had any outbreaks I could have had it for years or as early as his butt...no one knows. My HSV 2 number is 5 which my doctor said means nothing as the numbers increase and decrease depending on outbreaks. Funny thing is...that weekend I spent satisfying him in other ways...my face was tingly as hell for days after that but I just thought I wore those muscles out! LOL, funny now but not really. 

    Anyway, the boo finally calls on the afternoon of 10/9 as I head to the doctor. He tone is NASTY...I mean NASTY!! Like I knew I had this crap and didn't tell him or something. He proceeds to tell me that he got tests last year and I tried explaining to him that regular STD test don't include Herpes but he was adamant that his did.  He fully believes there is no way this could have come from him and I keep telling him we won't know until he gets tested. I told him that I would have NEVER responded to him the way he did to me!! I would have been more supportive and we would have went to the doc together and did our research, etc. We actually get into a full blown fuss match and the call did not end very well By the time I get to the doc my pulse is high and I had to calm my nerves.  I talk to the doc which really didn't do much but tell me stories of couples she had to counsel where this just kind of came out of nowhere. One couple got married 6 months ago and she came in last week b/c of a bump on her butt and it was HSV2..she and and boo had been together for years. The doc again says the same thing...go and practice safe sex and only return if I have an outbreak. I even asked about the meds as I had dam near read every article on the net after I got the call and boo blew me off for dam days (still pisses me off) but she didn't think it was a good idea to start taking them if I don't have any symptoms. 

    So after I leave the doc I am not in the best moods. I sent boo an email about my doc visit as she had offered to talk to the both of us at any time. Later on I started thinking about how he had treated me and I sent a long email pretty much expressing my disappointment with him and how I suddenly went from his potential wife to just a friend in a matter of days. He never tried to see what his options were and immediately pretty much walked the F away leaving me here to deal with this ish by myself. How can he act like this when I was potentially the one?? 

    I sent the email on 10/9 and I have not heard from him and right now I am just like "whatever"....I am so over it!! Am I overreacting?? I mean, if it was him telling me this news I would not have turned my back on him after we had already been intimate and were talking big future plans....I just would not have given up so easy!! We are both in our early 40s and it's soooo hard to find someone that gets you these days. I thought I had that in him but now I am alone and constantly in the bathroom with a magnifying mirror looking at my precious vagina seeing if something shows up!! Ugh..FML!!

    I don't even know if he plans to get tested or what since he is so certain he is clean as a whistle.  I remember that the last couple of months he had been complaining about being tired all the time and how his body is achy to the point that he can't sleep in his bed but has to sleep on the couch. He recently said he had been getting headaches too so who knows....I'm at a loss!! 

    Anyway, Hi ya'll....my ass is here!! 

    Wow, sorry this sounds pretty crappy. I too have been recently seen because of an outbreak. I wouldn't care abo It having this but, my love of my life was gone for 6 months and  now wants me back. What do i do?? Don't know what to say to tell him. Will go on supporessincd therapy. 

    To be honest. Sounds like he has something anyway. The o.b doesn't have to present. Some may not have an o.b because they have a good immune system.

    I am proud of you for getting tested to begin with. He may be positive and  may never test for fear of the knowing he has it. The tingling in the face is yes shedding. I get that and then get one on my nose. It sucks. Sorry to hear about your problem with all this. I am here to listen. I am deeply depressed and at a major low but, talking to many here will help. 

     

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    @NtgivnUP, Im sorry to hear that this happen. Your story sounds so similar to mine and we are the same age. If this guy truly cares for you, he should support you. This man became apart of your family and to just walk away like that is cold blooded. I pray that you find someone. Could he had it and gave it to you? 

     I started dating someone after I got out of a 16 year marriage. The man that infected me was not who I perceived him to be. I have a child and he was the first person I exposed him too. He was concerned at first but has now turned him back on me.

    I had so much going for myself and now I feel like I'm in the clearance rack marked with 75% off. What man in their right man would except a woman that breaks out in sores. I'm a professional woman and looking a quality person. It was hard enough screening that right man you can introduce to your children. It's even harder now bc it's an extra thing working against us!  Now I'm depressed and every day I think about it. I myself don't feel hopeful as I know 2 women with (hsv2) in their 40's no children and never in a solid relationship.  

    @NtgivnUP, you are welcomed to inbox me and we can chat.

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     This is my first response.  I felt compelled to offer you some support.  I'm sorry for what you have experienced.  I'm 44 and was diagnosed with HSV2 about 3.5 years ago.  When I told my then boyfriend of my diagnosis, he ran for the door.  I spent about a year being depressed and worrying myself crazy.  I began to obsess over having HSV2.  The wonderful thing about all of this is realizing your self worth AND someone will value who you are and love you regardless.  I have met an amazing man and he's okay with me having HSV2.   I have personally made the decision to utilize suppressive therapy, condoms and keep my immune system strong as possible.  Once you learn your body's cues when an outbreak is coming you can avoid having sex and protect your partner.

    I say all this to say, your beaux's reaction to your recent diagnosis is disheartening and very insensitive.  Clearly he's doesn't understand "for better or worse" and "in sickness and in health" means.  Take some time to yourself.  Don't stress over a man who doesn't see the value in you.  In the past, I felt alone and unworthy!  You already have the power since you were not afraid to disclose.  It will get easier and easier and there ate men out there who will respect you for it.  Feel free to message me.  It can be a challenge dating in your 40s....but the right man will find you!  :-)

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    7 hours ago, Brokengrace said:

    @NtgivnUP, Im sorry to hear that this happen. Your story sounds so similar to mine and we are the same age. If this guy truly cares for you, he should support you. This man became apart of your family and to just walk away like that is cold blooded. I pray that you find someone. Could he had it and gave it to you? 

     I started dating someone after I got out of a 16 year marriage. The man that infected me was not who I perceived him to be. I have a child and he was the first person I exposed him too. He was concerned at first but has now turned him back on me.

    I had so much going for myself and now I feel like I'm in the clearance rack marked with 75% off. What man in their right man would except a woman that breaks out in sores. I'm a professional woman and looking a quality person. It was hard enough screening that right man you can introduce to your children. It's even harder now bc it's an extra thing working against us!  Now I'm depressed and every day I think about it. I myself don't feel hopeful as I know 2 women with (hsv2) in their 40's no children and never in a solid relationship.  

    @NtgivnUP, you are welcomed to inbox me and we can chat.

    Thank you so much for reading my post...just read it again and didn’t realize how long it was!!  :P I’m sorry you’re going thru the same thing. This has been a tough month for me but I have to press on for my family. Your clearance rack statement made me laugh but I feel the exact same way!! Went from the high-end mall to the outlet mall with this diagnosis!  ¬¬

    I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason so keep your head up and keep going because that’s what I plan on doing!!  :two_hearts:

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    @TD73 thank you for the kind words. Yes it is a huge challenge already trying to find love in your 40s but to add this to it makes it almost not even worth it. I have to move on tho and that’s what I have to tell myself every single morning. Because I have no symptoms this has only affected me emotionally plus the way he responded still bothers me and was difficult to understand. Some things I will never understand and this is just one of them. I have 2 wonderful kids, a good career and family and friends who love me so I will keep going on this journey called life. Congrats on finding love again...that’s awesome!!

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    @NtgivnUP We are in the same boat.  I also have two kids and a career.  Once you get over the emotional part of gets easier.  I had no plans of dating again as it wasn't a priority.  It happened when it least expected.  Just proof that there are people that are understanding.  

    You will get through this.  HSV doesn't define any of us!

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    I find his reaction to your diagnosis very suspect. He most likely has it and refused to disclose his status to you. He is manipulating you into thinking that you put him at risk when it was actually the other way around. This happened to a friend of mine and it is sick that people do this!

    Don't believe his lies! It's a good thing this came out as you were about to spend your life with a total liar!

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    @JayTheWizard yes his reaction was both shocking and confusing. It’s tough to wrap my head around it and I found out on 10/4 and haven’t talked to him since 10/9 so I don’t know if he went and got tested. I’d think if he did and got negative results he would have gladly reached out and rubbed it in my face.. :|

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