How to deal....

[Brooklyn]

I was given HV-2 as a wedding gift by my husband two years ago. I know he knew, but never told me. A month after I was married I had just a tiny spot down there, I thought it was an ingrown hair. I went to the gyno, and when she told me, I almost dropped dead. If I was promiscuous I wouldn't feel so bad, but all my life I have been so careful. I just moved, went out and met someone, we went on a few dates, we talked everyday. I told him, and he freaked. It sucks because I had everything going for me. I am smart, good looking (I work out so I am in great shape). This ruined me. The guy was in shock but, didn't dump me yet, he said he doesn't know. I really liked him. It never hit me this whole time that even though guys constantly are interested, I am ruined. I don't feel sexy anymore, and I don't know how to go through this over and over, to meet someone, like them, and then be scrutinized. I still am crazy about this guy. The mistake is, we slept together and then I told him. I never have outbreaks and we had safe sex. I don't know. I can't see going through that my whole life. Now, guys hit on me and I feel like saying, keep walking, you have no idea what your getting in to. I am not doing well. If other people can't live with it, maybe I shouldn't live with it. I am only thirty seven, and I feel like life is over. I can't go through that again.

[Claudia]

I was given HV-2 as a wedding gift by my husband two years ago. I know he knew, but never told me. A month after I was married I had just a tiny spot down there, I thought it was an ingrown hair. I went to the gyno, and when she told me, I almost dropped dead.

Hi, Brooklyn. I'm sorry you are going through this.

If I was promiscuous I wouldn't feel so bad, but all my life I have been so careful.

I think the root of a lot of the emotional pain we experience around contracting herpes is directly related to the false belief we hold as a culture that herpes is a disease of the promiscuous. That is rubbish. Anyone can get herpes, whether they've had lots of sex or just had it one time, or only had oral, or were kissed by someone who was shedding the virus (the list goes on).

I just moved, went out and met someone, we went on a few dates, we talked everyday. I told him, and he freaked. It sucks because I had everything going for me. I am smart, good looking (I work out so I am in great shape). This ruined me. The guy was in shock but, didn't dump me yet, he said he doesn't know. I really liked him. It never hit me this whole time that even though guys constantly are interested, I am ruined. I don't feel sexy anymore, and I don't know how to go through this over and over, to meet someone, like them, and then be scrutinized. I still am crazy about this guy. The mistake is, we slept together and then I told him. I never have outbreaks and we had safe sex.

There is no such thing as safe sex. Condoms do not cover all the areas herpes sheds from, and people shed the virus at times when they do not have detectable symptoms. Your partner is always at risk of contracting herpes from you during sexual activity, even with a condom. I would want my partner to let me make the decision of whether or not I am comfortable taking that risk by being honest and up-front about their status beforehand. I would struggle harder hearing that you have genital herpes after a sexual encounter with you than if you had told me before because telling after sex means I have to deal with making a decision about herpes and honesty and respect in the relationship instead of just herpes.

I don't know. I can't see going through that my whole life. Now, guys hit on me and I feel like saying, keep walking, you have no idea what your getting in to. I am not doing well. If other people can't live with it, maybe I shouldn't live with it. I am only thirty seven, and I feel like life is over. I can't go through that again.

80% of the living, breathing, normally functioning population has herpes. 20-25% has it in the genital area. The vast majority live with it without much trouble in the long run.

Hang in there. You're still sexy and desirable. It's going to be ok.

[bluefrog]

I can "feel ya" 100%. I contracted herpes in April 2007, diagnosed in May 2007. I have not been a man since. I just cannot even let myself get close enough to even bring up the subject. I still get looked at, approached, asked on dates, but after like the 3rd time, they all start to want to have/discuss sex. I blow them off at that point, or tell them it isn't going to happen and they walk. I look at is this way; he just isn't the one. I know there is somebody out there for me, some day, just as I feel there is for you. Herpes does not change the fact that we are decent, beautiful people. Hang in there.

[Schwob]

I agree, Bluefrog. I've tried to be really positive about this whole thing and something that kind of helped me accept this was that this could be a blessing in disguise--having herpes is a way to weed out the potential bad partners we would be involved with without herpes, you know? If a guy or girl really likes you for the right reasons, herpes won't matter to them. It's kind of cool to know that any person we're with (any INFORMED person) from now on, will be there because they truly like us. You know? Before herpes, I'm sure we all had plenty of experience with partners who didn't really like us for the right reasons....now we have a strategy!