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norris

I am scared to leave my boyfriend

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norris

I got the HSV2 virus one year ago. I am not sure where I got it. My bf doesnt have any symptom and he rejected to do the blood test. When I dignosed it, we have already been together for 4 months. At that time, he didnt leave me. I am really grateful about that. But gradually he igores my feeling, does not care about me too much. We talk and spend time when he likes to. We didnt have sex for 4 months.He doesnt like kiss me using his tongue. And he flirts with other girls. I know so far he didn't have sex with other girls.Maybe he cannot really accept the fact I have HP. Last month, he took a trip to another coutry for a month. When he came back, he told his friend he is disappointed to come back to his gf. He began to call a girl he just met in another country. He thinks that girl is so attractive and beautiful. He also spend a lot of time on dirty talks with girls online. So when I want to have a walk on weekends, he doesn't have time. Yesterday, he told me, he likes to be around me. If he is attracted by other girls, that's just temperately.

After knowing all of these. I am so desperate. I am 27 and have a good career. I love my bf so much. But it seems like he doesnt think I am attractive any more. Since we knew I have herpes, he is always in the upper hand. He told me it's hard for me to find another guy if we break up.

I cry and cry so many times. I cannot go to sleep everyday. I am so scared. I am worried about if we break up, I will never find a nice guy. The whole two weeks since he came back, I cannot concentrate on my work at all. I feel so lonely and miserable. I don't know what to do.

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lilanne19

This all comes down to your self esteem, you may have had low self esteem prior to being diagnosed with hsv and now it's just completely shot. Let me say that I know that the idea of having to put yourself back out there in that "dating scene" is frightening but you have to love yourself enough to know that you deserve to love and be loved and you shouldn't settle for anything less than that.

Right now, it sounds like you are being emotionally abused. I don't mean to be dramatic but look at what you've said, he openly flirts with other women in front of you, he's manipulated you into thinking that you're never find another man (and you believe him) does this really sound like someone you want to stay with? Also, you ever stop to think that maybe he's the one who gave you hsv?

The bottom line, having herpes doesn't mean you have to settle for this. I am not going to say that you should leave your bf, however, I will say this, you have to love yourself first, only then are you in the position to find someone to truly love you. When we do not love ourselves, that's when we start to put up with things that deep down we know are unacceptable. We find ways to justify the behaviour. I have a feeling that if it wasn't herpes he would use something else to manipulate you. Maybe your focus should be on rebuilding your self esteem/self love/self worth and not on some bf who's clearly doesn't respect you.

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alwall0828

Excuse me if I offend you but your bf is full of SHIT!! Work on yourself first, and I can PROMISE you that there is someone out there that will treat you GREAT!! Will ask you for walks during the weekend instead of you wanting and waiting.

Get your self esteem back and you will be on top of the world.

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norris

thank you for both of you, lilanne19 and alwall0828.

I thought about leaving my bf. But it's easy to say but it's hard to get it done.

I have been with him for more than one year. He is the only one knows I have GH except doctors. Even sometimes he igores me and he doesn't treat me as nice as I do, so far he didn't cheat me or take other girls as serious. I am a conservative and traditional person. He is the 2nd person I have sex with.

My bf and I talked about our future life before. I am waiting for him to find a job, then we can get married, buy house and have baby. Just recently, my feeling becomes so complicated. I feel so insceure to be with him. I am not sure if we can be together for life-long time.

But every time I think about break up with him. I become so upset. I cannot continue to think about my life after that. I wll be lonely. I cannot tell any of my friends of it. The whole stuff really borthers me.

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alwall0828

if someone is a great friend you "should" be able to tell them and they give you moral support. YOur comment of so far he hasn't cheated. Well, scrap that. I wouldn't give him the chance to cheat on me. And if he doesn't treat you very well, you definately don't want to be tied to this person with having to deal with him being an @ss and having his child or being financially obligated with a house.

Trust me girl youneed to kick this loser.

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luca

Honsestly your bf sounds like a dick. If he's checking out other girls, flirting and having dirty convo's with them its not long till he cheats or he may have already. I hate to be blunt and hurt you but its true. He should only be wanting to flirt and do things with you. If he needs that from other girls he's not satisfied in his relationship. Not that its your fault, he may just be a person that doesn't notice the good things you offer and takes them for granted. You need to get out of this relationship, trust me there are men out there that will accept you for having herpes. Don't just settle cause he accepts you. You deserve to be treated good. So find someone that will give you everything you need emotionally and physically.

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Caliope

Are we forgetting that this guy refused to get tested for hsv and is playing the controlling position of trying to convince you that you should be honored to have his attention?

Why should you feel badly when he probably is the one who infected you and now he is shopping for someone else?

Why should you consider yourself lucky to be treated as if you are damaged goods?

Why would his behaviour improve once you are married and have kids with him?

He doesn't have a job, he flirts with other girls, he says cruel, hurtful things to you.

What the heck are the pro's to staying with this guy. He sounds like an abusive control freak. Open your eyes.

You are the good catch. You have the great career. Please figure out why you are being co-dependent and letting this creep wear down your self esteem and realize that you can do so much better and be happy to boot.

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catiesmom

It's not always easy to get out of a bad situation, especially when there are feelings involved, but you yourself have outlined for us the reasons you should NOT stay!

Saying you need to leave and actually leaving are two completely different things, i know. Maybe you could start by doing little things that help you on your way -- look into housing options, start saving money, start thinking of your future without him. I found it was most helpful to rely on my friends and my family to bring me back to reality whenever i started doubting myself -- if you have GOOD friends and family, tell them you've resolved to end the relationship but you need emotional support. If they care for you, they'll help you in any way they can.

You can do so much better than him, and even being alone is better than being in a situation like that, believe me! It is hard and takes time, but don't let HSV be the reason you're hanging around. GET OUT! Good luck!

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Caliope

catiesmom makes good points.

for me, in the past, the hardest part of moving on was my personal analysis of what I'd invested. it took me realizing that if there is not a return on an investment that to keep putting more into it would only add to the loss. so I had to accept that the loss was real and the investment needed to be made elsewhere.

I also had to realize that if I was constantly giving to others I was taking away from myself and once my supply of self esteem and energy was gone I wouldn't have anything to give to others and they'd quickly move on.

a stable healthy relationship takes two people giving - not one giving and one taking. if two people aren't committed to the health of the relationship it becomes sick and unbalanced and before long it topples under the weight of very minor issues.

I keep thinking of what you said about this man telling you that you won't be able to find another guy if you break up. But here he is, probably the man who infected you, and he is shopping for another girl. He should be lucky you stay with him and he should realize that if he gets honest with himself that it will be difficult for him to find another girl who has as much to offer as you. He clearly doesn't appreciate you and you deserve to be loved and adored. You can find someone better.

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booboohead

The bottom line

I have to agree with everyone who has posted here. As someone who also was in your situation at one time, I totally know how you feel. You really have to look at the situation and realize that this will not change. This man will be this way forever. Maybe he isn't cheating on you, maybe he is. You just really don't know. To me, it sounds like he is, in theory if not in practice yet. Marraige, kids, it doesn't matter, he will always treat you like dirt. He doesn't respect you for whatever reason, and it may have nothing to do with your hsv. It might even degenerate from emotional abuse to physical abuse..because that is what he is doing, abusing you emotionally. It does hurt to leave someone you love. It is hard. It will be much harder for you to live like this for the rest of your life. Think about it, if you have daughters with him, would you want to raise up girls thinking this is a healthy relationship model? You know in your heart it isn't.

It is hard to tell other people you have this disease. But this forum is a start, it really helps. You don't have to share all of your secrets with your friends, anyway...no one does. You can date without telling someone right off the bat you have hsv. You don't have to have sex with someone until you are totally ready to tell them you have hsv. Just because you have only had sex with 2 people doesn't mean you will never find another person, someone who will love you and treat you like you want to be. I was in a relationship very much like yours...I found someone who accepts and respects me and has for years and years. You can too if that is what you want. You have to learn to respect yourself first, and a start is not putting up with this ding dong. Don't let your disease dictate the rest of your life. You know what you have to do. Good Luck.

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norris

he left

Thank you to everyone. I thought about everyone's words. That really helps me. Your words make me strong. I pick up a fight tonight. But I am too emotionally and did stupid thing today. He was looking at his friendster. In most of pics he posted online, he was holding other girls or was with girls cheek to cheek. Only one is my pic, in that pic we look like just friends. So I begin to question him why he didnt put my pic there. People never know he has a gf. I used his computer to delete 3 other girls' pics. I knew I shouldn't do that. I was too angry at that time. Then he became so mad. He left. He said I would regret what I did. I don't know what to say and what to do. I feel very empty and lonely now. I just got another OB yesterday.

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catiesmom

It sounds like maybe the stress is causing your OBs. If i were you, i'd let him leave. He obviously doesn't want to be your boyfriend the way you want him to, and if you two can't come to some sort of agreement it might be best to just let him go. That saves you from having to do the oh-so-hard ending part, if he's already done it. Now all you have to do is stick to it.

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alwall0828

I agree. The stress is horrible for your outbreaks.

And hey yeah what you did wasn't right but girl I will tell you I would have done the same thing. HAHA!! Way to stick up for yourself. Now just let the b@stard go and be the strong, independent woman you know you are. You will find a man that is worthy of your love. But the trick is not to look . :)

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Angel Eyes

hey

I know what you are going through. It is hard to leave. I agree it is a self esteem thing (I have been through this a few years ago with an ex and got through it with counseling)...

I left the man that gave me H 4 months ago. It was very hard....I felt like noone would ever want me, and I felt a little 'stuck' with him b/c of H. Well, i left him, and it was the best thing I EVER did..... I feel great! and I recently met a man that I am dating who is a great guy. He doesn't know about the H yet. I will tell him in a few months if things go well.

I think of it like this. Telling someone I have H , and if they knowing this stay with me, I know it is unconditional love. And I don't want anything but unconditional love in my life. period.

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DanaS

Herpes and Boyfriend

Well,

Your post really spoke to me. I am in a similar situation. I live with the guy that gave me herpes. He treats me nice, most of the time, he doesn't chest, we have sex, but we fight like crazy. I'm surprised no one has called the cops yet.

Anyhow, I feel trapped, like I will be alone forever if I leave him. I know that does not help, but I just wanted you to know thanks for posting. I don't think I can tell you what to do, because I stay with someone when I know I should leave. My fear of rejection from future potentials keeps me with him. I don't want to be alone.

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Stryker
Are we forgetting that this guy refused to get tested for hsv and is playing the controlling position of trying to convince you that you should be honored to have his attention?

Why should you feel badly when he probably is the one who infected you and now he is shopping for someone else?

Why should you consider yourself lucky to be treated as if you are damaged goods?

Why would his behaviour improve once you are married and have kids with him?

He doesn't have a job, he flirts with other girls, he says cruel, hurtful things to you.

What the heck are the pro's to staying with this guy. He sounds like an abusive control freak. Open your eyes.

You are the good catch. You have the great career. Please figure out why you are being co-dependent and letting this creep wear down your self esteem and realize that you can do so much better and be happy to boot.

turf him and move on .....

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herpesharmony

If you're not happy then you should leave because life is to short to be unhappy. Find someone that will make you feel happy. Who knows,your boyfriend may be lying to you about not having herpes. Its a little odd that he's not concerned about getting tested to see if he he has it.

The girl that gave me herpes didn't seem surprised when I told her I was diagnosed with herpes(2 weeks after we started going out) and she never went to get tested or seemed concerned. A couple of months later I was helping her clean her bedroom and I found a herpes brochure in her closet.

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bristolgal

Thank god you rid yourself of that prick!

No one has any right to treat you like that. You deserve so much better!

What an arse!

If my fella did that I would wallop him! LOL

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norris

question

After some research, I feel so many people have H but they never know it. Because they don't have any symptoms. After my first outbreak, he went to see some Herpes supporting center. I didn't go with him. I am not sure what kind of organization. He told me there is a doctor working in the supporting center checked him carefully and asked him questions. The doctor told him that he definitely has type I , but he doesn't have type II. He didn't do any blood test. He doesn't have a job, no insurance covers his blood test. Is that possible a person has H, but doctor cannot find out? He was a model and he had sex with more than 30 girls before. I had one sex partner before but I never asked if my last sex partner has it. I broke up with my last one more than 8 months before I met him. I didn't have any symptoms before.

I really don't think how I got it. It is painful. I always think it is a mistake to meet him, to be with him. I really want to begin my new life.

Actually after out fight, he came back. He said he cried and did not sleep for whole night. He want to be with me. He will not try to approach pretty girls any more. He will improve. I don't know if I should trust him or not. He acts like I am so important to him.

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catiesmom

Don't let him fool you -- if he has changed and really "seen the light" his actions will speak far louder than his words. He might be able to keep it up for a while, but it's been my experience that men don't always change when they say they have.

If you have HSV, a doctor can give you the proper tests to find out. My guess is he asked your bf if he ever had cold sores as a child (which would indicate oral HSV) and if he's had any unusual rashes or itching below the belt, which he probably answered no to. Without a blood test or swab test, though, the doc is just shooting in the dark.

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Caliope

No one on this forum has any control over your choices. We can listen and commiserate or offer advice but we will never be able to live your life for you or truly know what you are feeling.

I hear you telling us that you have a man in your life who is only taking and never giving. It makes you feel bad and you feel so sorry for him. He is handsome and women are attracted to him and he flirts with them. He leaves you home alone and treats you like a sister or a friend. But still you feel so bad for him and his misfortune. He does not work. He does not have insurance. He does not have to be responsible.

He tells you what you want to hear to quiet your doubts and he spoon feeds you any lie he can to keep in your good graces because no one else is giving him a place to live, no one else is believing his lies and no one else feels all of this compassion and sorrow for his sad plight.

It is pretty sad when a man cannot depend on himself and be proud of his job and how he takes care of his family. It is pretty sad when a man is so good looking he can sleep with many women but not get medical attention if he contracts a disease. It is pretty sad when a man treats the woman who cares for him as if she is a friend and not worthy of his love and affection.

If he really loves you and treats you the way you want to be treated and is true to only you then keep him and support him and take care of him as only you can.

but. . . if he is using you, and manipulating your emotions and wearing you down emotionally it will end badly for you. It might not be now it might be later, it might be after things escalate to a level of hostility.

This man has shown you who he is it is up to you to believe it. Or you can continue believing what you want to believe.

It sounds to me like you have worked hard to be a good girl. You have a place of your own, you have a good job and you have a good and generous heart. I think you deserve a partner who will bring to the table the same things that you offer in return but while you hang on to this man who offers you nothing you may not recognize the man who is out there who will truly love and respect you.

Self esteem is how you see yourself. low self esteem is when you do not respect yourself and fail to demand respect from others.

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beautifulgirl

Hi Norris, I was in a similar spot. I did not leave until my partner left me. He also was not good to me. Thinking about it, A. did me a favor. Although it has been hard to be left, and I had been bitter about this thing he "did" to me, I have really healed a great deal. If I can find self-esteem through this then I am confident that you will too. I also had very few partners, and am in the process of considering a relationship with a friend. I know that he might turn away if I decide to have sexual relations with him. It will probably take me a while to get to a place where I even want to have sex. Ultimately, the person that will be worthy of me is someone who loves every part of me. I almost married a man who constantly put me down because of the fear that no one would want me or love me. Truth is, A. cheated on me (probably why I have hsv now) and that love would allude me if I married this verbally and emotionally abusive man. I am half way between staying with a jerk and finding the courage to tell someone else, but we will get there girl. Thank you for your story. I would have never joined if you didn't remind me of me. I've been where you are, and now I am not. Just trust that there is love out there. We'll get there. ;)

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herpesharmony
Hi Norris, I was in a similar spot. I did not leave until my partner left me. He also was not good to me. Thinking about it, A. did me a favor. Although it has been hard to be left, and I had been bitter about this thing he "did" to me, I have really healed a great deal. If I can find self-esteem through this then I am confident that you will too. I also had very few partners, and am in the process of considering a relationship with a friend. I know that he might turn away if I decide to have sexual relations with him. It will probably take me a while to get to a place where I even want to have sex. Ultimately, the person that will be worthy of me is someone who loves every part of me. I almost married a man who constantly put me down because of the fear that no one would want me or love me. Truth is, A. cheated on me (probably why I have hsv now) and that love would allude me if I married this verbally and emotionally abusive man. I am half way between staying with a jerk and finding the courage to tell someone else, but we will get there girl. Thank you for your story. I would have never joined if you didn't remind me of me. I've been where you are, and now I am not. Just trust that there is love out there. We'll get there. ;)

You're right,he did you a favor. I hope your self esteem improves.

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ForgetTomorrow

Norris,

Relationships can be very difficult and confusing, even without HSV. Before I got H I was in a relationship with a man that I really truely loved and would have done anything for, but he didn't treat me as well as he should have. Like you I was scared that I would never find anyone else who loved me like he did, or that I loved as much as I loved him, but I have found that there is ALWAYS someone better out there. If I had stayed with him and lived out our lives as we had planned (getting married, kids, etc) I would have never known what it was like to be with someone who was so much, well...better. And I would have been miserable! Never settle for any less than you deserve, and realize that you deserve more than you think you do.

As far as dating with HSV goes, my father gave me some advice that has really stuck with me. When I was first diagnosed, he told me:

"This will show you who people really are."

When I told my boyfriend, his response was "so what; that doesn't change anything," and I realized that this guy really does love me and is in this relationship for the long haul. A guy who is just looking to get some isn't going to stick around when you bring up the "H" word. The people who genuinely care about you will be the ones who stick around and support you no matter what.

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