Newbie Dumps !HSV2 Boy in Fear, Advice Please.

[neversaydie]

Hi. I'm 26 years old.

I was recently diagnosed with HSV2. The guy I have been seeing for seven months has not contracted it from me.

I am in love with him - however both of us are still in college, and I think we need to know each other better before we consider getting married.

He refused to accept that I was HSV2 positive - and keeps thinking that by some miraculous feat of nature - either he can be protected from it, or I don't have it - even though I have tested positive twice. It hurt that for over a month he hasn't accepted the reality of it.

His lack of reality is a real concern to me.

Last night I got sick of this and dumped him. He is so incredibly upset - and I am worried that I have given up 'the one' - as I was thinking of him long term before I even found out.

A few months ago - when he was interstate, and I was on holidays to see him, he overdosed on a few drugs. He was indirectly - or directly trying to kill himself. He is generally a fantastic, funny, gorgeous guy. He was really depressed because he didn't like his environment & he said I was being distant towards him (which was true - I was distant because I combined chemicals on my face which resulted in chemical burn to my face - at the time he didn't know this and thought that I (as his last 'light') was also fading). I am so worried what his state of mind would be like if I gave it to him. The drug of choice was heroin. He has used this in the past for pleasure, but hadn't used for years. His state of mind when he was using it was self-destructive, not for pleasure. If that indeed matters. Heroin is a deal breaker in my book.

He was taken to hospital, dead. They bought him back. He moved to my town. We were waiting three months to have sex - because when he used - he can't remember actually purchasing the needle - so he needed to be tested. During that three months, I tried to break up with him, because of the dealbreaker situation. I decided to give him a chance - which extended me beyond any chance I had ever given any human before, but felt something inside that told me to do so.

During the three months of abstinence, I found out I was HSV2 + I do not know what his other results are, except that he's hsv-.

Imagine if things didn't work out. If I commited to him - what kind of concession would I make on the basis of guilt? What if one day things did not work out? His biggest fear he says, is dying alone.

Through touching the virus on myself (even though it is just tiny white bumps - no fluid or sores) - I have transferred the virus to my hands. I read everywhere - that you must wash your hands thoroughly after touching yourself, I did this. I feel like a leper. I can't even go and see him. I can't touch anyone.

I haven't told anyone about my hands except the doctor. I will only touch objects if I know it will be several hours before someone else touches the object. (even though it's said that the virus will only stay on a moistened object for up to seven minutes out of the body)

No one ever said use latex gloves!! Use latex gloves people!

I read that infection of the hands is not very common at all, but my immune system is right down. What kind of situation would I be in if I had a baby to look after? The infection on my hands is not noticeable. I am so scared that I may again have an infection on my hands and not notice it. It's one thing not sleeping with someone - but when you can't even touch them?

Anyways, that's a side issue.

I don't know what to do about him. He's not perfect, but I do love him. I am not ready to commit my life to him - and neither of us want him to get it - we're not prepared to take that risk.

I am so worried about his self esteem though. I don't know what to do. He wrote me an email saying that before I dumped him he wanted to marry me, have children with me, grow old with me, die with me. Now he says that he can't go through it again. He said he can't deal with it anymore, breaking up.

This relationship has been through so much, first it was long distance - we started dating when he lived interstate. Then he died for a bit, then we had the after effects of dealing with the taboo drug-needle situation. Now it's HSV2.

I don't know what to do, what the options are, or whether I should fight for it.

Any advice would be very welcome.

[Faith]

Honestly........... I think you should stay away from him.

His self-esteem problem is his problem. Not yours. Even if you guys stay together, the relationship will come to a dead-end, unless he works on his issue by himself before getting together.

Women have maternal instinct. We naturally try to take care of and protect someone we love. But, drug is beyond your control. Beyond his control, too, although he may not realize it yet. He's gotta get rid of the habit of depending on drug whenever he has hardship. And that's his part. He's gotta work on it by himself. You've got nothing to do with it. You don't need to feel guilt about it at all, either.

Sorry to be blunt. But please listen..............

I was married to a person who was a drug addict, without knowing that he was. He started not coming home sometimes, I thought he was hanging out with his best friend. But it became every other week, then every weekend,.... then when I finally came to know that he was using drug, it was too late... drug already undermined his body.

Still, I stayed with him, tried to help him to get rid of drug. But he denied that he was an addict, he didn't wanna go get support. He was working, but his unstable behavior got him fired, he tried to be good again, got a job, and got fired. As he repeated that, his addiction became worse and worse. It was a horrible battle for both of us. He used all money for drug, my pay check couldn't afford both of our living. We sometimes couldn't pay rent, constanly had to worry about tomorrow's food.

He is a wonderful person. That's the reason I got married, and stayed with him even after I found out his addiction. He told me that he was doing drug since he was young, but he met me, and I made him happy, he thought that he could get over the drug habit as long as he was with me. But........ he couldn't. Because that was HIS problem. HE had to make himself happy to stay away from his bad habit.

He finally didn't come home at all, I divorced him.

I've learned from my experience. When 2 people get together, each one has to be happy by himself/herself, first. Otherwise, it's not gonna work.

Only he can fill his emptiness inside. Only you can fill your emptiness inside.

It's my opinion, but, I think you should tell him to seek professional help for drug addiction, and you should say good bye. Then, work on your issue which probably is HSV right now.

Trust me... this is the most healthy way for both of you guys. Being with someone who use drug can destroy your life, too. Even if you "look" ok, you're gonna be harmed emotionally, and it's hard to get over the bad mental habit which is coming from that.

My ex-husband said the same thing... he said he would die if he couldn't be with me. He cried desparately. So I know how you feel. I know it must be hard for you to leave him alone. But you've got to!!! He, is the one who has to live his life.

Don't worry. Trust his strength. My ex has gotten over drug addiction, he's so proud of himself now. When your boyfriend is ready, he WILL help himself, and get over it.

Your herpes issue? Easy. <smile> Learn a lot about HSV, you'll soon know that this is not that horrible thing. When you start seeing everything in perspective, you'll probably fall in love with someone who loves you for who you are. HSV won't matter at all. Don't worry... <smile>

Please take care, and be strong.

Faith

[MC37 Pilot]

Quite a few issues to respond to....

First....

My advice would be to, like faith said.... Stay away from that guy... Actually, I would say RUN from that guy. He may be a great guy, but he has some MEGA major issues and is walking on thin ice, and he'll take you down with him.

However I also know from personal experience and from watching friends that people will continue to go back to a bad situation time after time after time until ever last bit of emotional energy has been sucked from them by the bad relationship and THEN they will finally walk away for good.

It sounds like from how you make excuses and justify his behavior that you are not yet at the point where you have squeezed the life out of your emotional being, and thus, I fear unfortunatly that you will probably go back for another round of un-healthy relationship.

A big part of life is learning to be honest.... And the first part of that is being honest with yourself. Acknowledging your feelings... The mind is a funny thing, and sometimes we convince ourselves to do things we KNOW deep down are not good for us. To be frank, we kid ourselves ALOT.

If this guy is 'so great' then cut him loose so he can get his life straightened out.

He won't fix it 'with you'... Rather he'll become co-dependent on you.

People don't fix themselves unless they have no other option. If you bail him out of this situation by being his emotional crutch he won't get better. And by the sounds of it he's got LOTS of issues to fix.

Don't make his issues your issues...

But again... We tend to let our hearts overrule our brain until we sabatage ourselves so much that even our heart KNOWS we must get out.

So has your heart had enough yet??????

As far as HSV.... Honestly, HSV seems like the absolute least of the problem right now, but anyway... If the infection on your hands is not noticeable, how do you know you have it on your hands????

[neversaydie]

Firstly, thank you both very much for your advice. It has given me a lot of fuel for thought. I am going to clarify/comment/respond to some things said, but consider it just getting my thoughts down on the keyboard if you will - and don't feel like you should continue responding : might be a bit lengthy. I always question things & detail things, please don't take it as me not being appreciative or blindly disregarding your advice.

Honestly........... I think you should stay away from him.

His self-esteem problem is his problem.

We both have self esteem issues. In fact, while I think I can get better with mine - alone or with someone, I feel sure that in some form or another the issues will always be there. My sister, well into her thirties - who is meeting all her dreams & is well into self development & positivity still has self esteem issues. We were bought up in a pretty hardcore environment. I think self esteem is something that is managed, not solved. However - by my walking away from him, then I am saying that no one could accept me if I had self esteem issues either.

He's gotta get rid of the habit of depending on drug whenever he has hardship. And that's his part. He's gotta work on it by himself. You've got nothing to do with it.

I don't know if attempting to kill yourself when you're really drunk - and drug dependence are the same thing. The fact that he had used drugs in the past enabled him to do it.

He used all money for drug' date=' my pay check couldn't afford both of our living. We sometimes couldn't pay rent, constanly had to worry about tomorrow's food.[/quote']

Wow.

[Faith]

Just one thing...

Be really (deadly) honest to yourself. Be very good to yourself. Take good care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Never miss a small voice which trying to tell you something.

Everytime you do those, you'll lead yourself to better and happier place.

Best wishes..

Faith

[MC37 Pilot]

Be really (deadly) honest to yourself. Be very good to yourself. Take good care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Never miss a small voice which trying to tell you something.

I would echo the same comment.

Its very difficult to learn to be honest with yourself. Life is not all that complicated. But we (and I include myself completely) always seem to find a way to make it that way...

And like faith said, at some level, you can't shut off the tiny voice that is telling you that 'this doesn't feel right'. Love yourself enough to listen to that tiny voice.

fhl,

nik

[neversaydie]

I wish I could stop wanting to pee all the time.

Thanks guys.

Another vent. Hope I can do that here.

I have no idea what's going on right now with my (ex) boyfriend. When I broke off with him, it started as a joke. I was just going through the motions of doing the right thing & not allowing him to risk catching it, but I never really expected it to happen. He is not talking to me. I just wish he would - I guess he is busy dealing with it all.

I rubbed my eye, and now that's been stinging & aching for a day now. I wonder if I transmitted the infection there.

Can't sleep. Got exams. Already skipped 2 due to flu symptoms associated, 2 that I can't make up - but gonna try really hard for the other 2. Doesn't it all happen at once? I am considering leaving university, even though I have been there for four years. I don't know if my body can take the stress.

I don't know what to do to change my life. Final Year university is stressful in anyone's book, but now the government has changed the rules, so that my already-low income has dropped by a third - hardly enough to pay rent & eat! Now I need meds too. The quasi-professional positions I have taken up in the past have stressed me out - and cost me more failed subjects as I pull off all-nighters. Some jobs cost me more than I made. Sometimes I made money.

I guess I am consoling myself that I am facing my worst fear ever. For years I have turned down would-be-boyfriends on account of their sexual histories - that chances are they would be infected. Turned them all down until, on the rebound - this boy begged me to believe again. I think I got it from him going down on me, but I am not sure. I wonder if he gave it to me deliberately. He won't respond to my (extremely nicely) worded mail. Some guys have no balls.

Can someone invent a ball-tester already?

I should have listened to that little voice then.

Where is this little voice, what does it say?

It's difficult to locate on demand, but I think like you it does say "Be Brave & Have Faith."

Difficult for the cynic, but nonetheless possible.

Yesterday my Mother called. She knew I had contracted herpes, but I gave her the impression it was type 1 - because I thought she would reject me. As mothers do - she sussed it out (the women are all pretty intuitive in our family) and she was so incredibly supportive. She told me that there's no way she would judge me & reassured me that if someone loved me and wanted to be with me - it wouldn't be an issue.

I under-estimated my mother. I highly recommend anyone who has it to confide in a parent wherever possible. You may be surprised.

[lovely79]

Mothers are incredible. My mom is very supportive also. I'm very grateful that I have her. My mom was the second person I told. That day she did everything from make my favorite dinner to take me shopping. Although she said that it couldn't take it all away, it made me feel 10 times better. I can't even imagine what I would do without her.

Without this, I don't know if I would have appreciated her as much. I mean, she made me spaghetti.... She HATES spaghetti.....lol

Really, never underestimate the strength a women have, especially mothers. They will always be there for their kids when no one else is.

Finally figured out this logging in stuff! I'm a smart cookie...I swear!

Lovely