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Justdesserts

Feeling awful (guilt)

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Justdesserts

Hi , I'm not really sure what to say so I will just be honest and see what reaction I get . I have been married nearly ten years but most of that time has not been easy . We have been having sex about four or five times a year as we have had some major disagreements about my wives extended family . I have been waiting for my stepson to turn eighteen before getting a divorce.

The last 18 months I have been unfaithful while travelling overseas but always thought I was careful . In early July I discovered that I had torn my foreskin with a new partner but it healed up ok with the use of Antiseptic cream and I was normal in about ten days . I was using a condom everytime I had sex . Then in the begining of October I had unprotected sex with my wife and tore the layer of skin off the old scar (the scar was not visable at all) it went septic so my doctor gave me some Pimafucort cream and did some tests which came back negative .

Since using the cream the scar swelled up and then a week later blisters started coming up , which I thought were just pimples . I now have four of them which have been present for about two weeks.

Today I saw my doctor again who's opinion was that its Herpes , which I thought it was since I have been doing some research online . He has done another test and given me Aciclovir . I've already forgotten to take the first tablet so am thinking that this will be hard to keep up.

From what I've read I would have thought that my wife was the source as the incubation period is pretty short , but I have read some people think it lies dormant until stress or ill health brings it out again so am confused.

I have been feeling really down (the wife has noticed) but since writting this I'm feeling a lot better.

How do I break it to the wife ? but since we're already about to split it wont make any difference to the marriage , but I feel guilty if its me thats given it to her (if she gets it )

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MsLucy

If your relationship with your wife has deteriorated to the point that you have sex 4 or 5 times a year, and you're both convinced that getting a divorce is a done deal, it shouldn't come as a surprise to her that you've been satisfying your physical needs elsewhere. Not that I'm condoning it, but we're all human, and therefore, susceptible to the same temptations.

Although your symptoms mimic those of herpes, unless she develops symptoms, I would hold off on telling her until your test results confirm that that's what it is. I can't see any reason to put her through that anxiety on the basis of suspicion or guesswork. If indeed, your test confirms your suspicions, then, yes, you'll have to tell her, and she should be tested. I hope it's a conversation you won't have to have, but if you do, be prepared for her to be very upset, and even though your marriage is shaky at best, be supportive. You owe her that much.

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Justdesserts

Thanks for the reply , I'm waiting for the tests still but feeling a lot better about things .

I was supposed to be going overseas over the Christmas break but have been seriously considering cancelling everything , but I guess it would give us both a break and give each of us time to think.

I have been thinking about where I could have got it from but the woman I would suspect by her behaviour I slept with for a couple of hours on July the 4th , we also lost the condom inside her but we found it more funny than scary . That was four months ago .:shock:

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BoxofRain

im sorry but it is more than likely you got it from being unfaithful than from your wife....and very importantly: you can get herpes EVEN when wearing a condom the entire time of having sex without any breaks/rips or it coming off, etc. Herpes is transmitted while people are wearing condoms every day....big misconception people seem to have unfortunately. people can shed the virus without symptoms from anywhere in the boxer short region. You could have had this virus for a while and never known and passed it to others unknowingly, or you coud have picked it up in the past year or few months....Id lean more towards recently but thats just my thought.

while I dont think it is right you cheated on your wife, you are only human and this happens all the time, especially in unhappy marriages.

Also, it is very likely the episode where you lost the condom could have been the time you contracted it....and not all people get any visible signs after they have contracted it for weeks, months, or years sometimes....some never show visible symptoms they have contracted the virus, have no clue they have it, but can be transmitting it along unknowingly to others.......its like a bad silent chain reaction that occurs all the time. And yes, while some people get the classic 2- 20 days afterwards symptoms, that is definitely not the case for thousands of people with herpes out there. It is actually quite common to get symptoms a few months after you contract it.

I feel you have an obligation to tell your wife you have it definitely(as soon as you confirm it through blood testing(repeat blood testing 6 weeks apart from first test if necessary)......because if she has caught it from you unknowingly and doesnt get symptoms(therefore has no reason to suspect anything) and then finally gets out there and dates, or finds a man she truly loves, how the hell do you think she is going to feel to find out she unknowingly exposed someone, or actually transmitted it to them....horrible, not to mention they might leave her immediately....causing her emotional pain and anguish and a personal hell caused by no one other than you....sorry if this seems harsh but it needs to be said. You hav a responsibility to at least inform her.....she is your wife afterall. If by chance she does not test positive at first via blood test for herpes, then have her get tested in 2 months again via blood and if she is still negative at that point then she most likely does not have it...but please be warned that it can take weeks to months to show in some peoples blood and I would want her to understand that a negative result at first in no way means she hasnt gotten it from you. She needs to be retested at least in 2 months and then possibly maybe one more time a few weeks after that to be sure...herpes is a sneaky virus. I am worried about your wife mostly because you wrote that the "scar" opened up WHILE having sex with your wife....so it is very likely the virus came to the surface or was still present there at the time.

In the event that she has not caught it from you then thank god for her sake and please inform people in the future....condoms dont guarantee anything when it comes to herpes....and anyone who performs oral sex on you has the risk of acquiring herpes in their mouth as a result, regardless if you have symptoms or not when they perform this act. Very important fact people dont realize often. If she tests negative after a few times then it is a blessing and you can rest easy that she hasnt got it from you but she should be tested soon. ( though it is hard to find out how long someone has had herpes, it is often a good indicator if they test negative at first and then positive a few weeks or month or two later,.....which indicates it is a newly acquired infection....antibodies take a while to build up in response to the virus" few weeks to months for some.......so this might help you figure it out in terms of your own infection, or that you passed it to her recently) for some antibodies develop quickly so if you are already positive but she is negative at first and later tests positive you know without a doubt you gave it to her. If both positive then it is likely she contracted this from you at an earlier time.

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Caliope

boxofrain - thank you for exactly describing what happened to me when my husband infected me with hsv.

I found out I had this when I met the love of my life, 8 years after my marriage had ended, and it nearly ended my new relationship. I never had ob's when I was married but had subtle symptoms that grew worse with time.

If my husband had been honest our marriage would have still ended but at least I would have been able to ask for the right testing and the right treatments years earlier and it would have saved me from so much grief.

Justdesserts, If the marriage is over it is over it makes no sense to stay for the sake of a teenaged child who is mentally able to deal with this. If it is about finances then get honest and work this out as two adults. If it is about selfishly wanting to still have sex 4-5 times a year then let her know what she's up against.

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Justdesserts

I have every intention of telling my wife about what I have , but just want to get confirmation first . English is not her first language so it could be difficult trying to explain so I want the tests to show her . I did ask how not "should I tell her".

I have had a lot of thought about the signs I have been having . The first problem started about two years ago when I got extremely dry skin on my foreskin and anus , this was about 8 years into the relationship before I ever slept around , I then in July had the breakage and now in October the first signs of Herpes. Maybe I have carried it for 20 years or picked it up recently .

I just know that every time we have had sex my skin gets extremely dry and itchy . I know I have to use condoms from now on .

Part of the reason we are staying together is so both her parents and a sister and nephew can get residency . Otherwise its going to be really difficult for them all and could cost me my home if we split before the boy is 18.

I am going to have to be honest and see if we can make some kind of arrangement thats suits both of us.

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