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TryingButTired

Married without intimacy

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TryingButTired

Ive had hsv2 for over 10 years now, i got it from the guy i lost my virginity to and have been somewhat struggling ever since. I recently got married this last summer. My partner was aware before we were married and we had engaged in intercourse a couple handfuls of times before marriage. I cant express how grateful i am to have had his acceptance without the judgement that comes from the stigma of the disease. I have to say i have cried after sex a few times and though i try to hide it he just knows me too well. Though ive lived with this for a decade im still trying to find ways to cope and not feel so gross and ashamed. Unfortunately this lack of self esteem i feel has caused my husband to be nervous about engaging physically with one another. 

This has all become a cycle, which has resulted in us not even have consimated our wedding. Weve been married almost a year and still havent made love. In the past i was able to be honest with ex boyfriends and was able to experience intimacy, but seldomly. Ive gone years without it and have been able to be satisfied just by kissing flirting and oral sex( for the man not I, of course). And for my husband, he has low testosterone, and his sex drive isnt as high as mine, not even close. ( Though he does have 2 children from previous relationships.) So sex is definitely not our focus. 

My husband also smokes cigarettes, which i despise. We cant even makeout because the tabacco literally makes me sick. So when it comes down to it the only intimacy we have is the occassional oral (for him) foot rubs for me and a peck on the lips. His back also always hurts so cuddling is also lacking. As silly as it sounds,I love making out and i miss it.

We love eachother sincerely trust eachother fully and a perfect match, i think. But i cant help feeling a huge hole in our relationship. I breakdown a couple times a month and he doesnt understand why i cant realise we have our lifetime to be with eachother and i shouldnt feel this way. He doesnt understand sex is something ive rarely gotten to experience or why i want it so badly that it brings me to tears. Sometimes i feel hes not attracted to me and am scared one day well lose this connection and spark. Sometimes i wish he had a life with a woman he could have a comfortable confident normal life with. I try so hard to not feel aroused when im with him. Sex has become a big elephant in the room and im scared its affecting our relationship in a negative way, or is that just my demons?

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Maeby

Thank you for sharing your story.  I can relate to being in a relationship with a man with a lower sex drive than me, and I sometimes break down due to a lack of intimacy. Although he is wonderful in many ways, he doesn't quite understand what it's like to have the love language of touch. Its hard to imagine your situation, with no sex (although foot rubs are nice) That would be very hard after a while. I hope you find a way to initiate it somehow.  Maybe he just needs a little push. With the right precautions, either a condom or anti-virals, there is no reason why you can't.  There's nothing wrong with you and please don't think so. I'm sure your marriage will continue to evolve, and I hope you experience that kind of intimacy soon. Much love, Take care of yourself!

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Quest

I couldn't do it any longer! One third of marriages are this way. my h doesn't know I have HSV2 and I have no clue if he does. I now have a boyfriend he knows about. No one will control my sex life. A mentor helped me along the way. 

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GlitterDx

Wow that’s painful and not sustainable. He isnt meeting your essential needs for affection and intimacy. You are not in the wrong for wanting that for you and your relationship. Make your needs and desires known. 

That video above is Michele Weiner Davis ... she’s cool. Also look up “Jayson Gaddis” real couple for more advice. 

Edited by GlitterDx

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