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Help101

Different routes to take when it’s time to disclose

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Help101

Alright so I’m not promiscuous...my track record for sleeping around is four guys. I don’t go out to bars expecting to get laid by a rando, and I’m considered “too serious” for any guy in his twenties to be remotely interested in dating, so my point being is I don’t expect to have to disclose my condition with multiple men, however if I get to get point of a serious relationship, what’s some positive, successful approaches? I was thinking ask the guy first how many women he’s been with, then ask when was the last time he got tested. And then once he answers those questions I then admit I’ve been with X amount of guys and I tested positive for herpes. Then I disclose how much information I’m aware of on the condition, etc 

What are your thoughts? I am uncomfortable with having to disclose I have herpes, but I’m not embarrassed or ashamed because I truly don’t think I have anything to be ashamed of. In today’s world where sex is everywhere, I don’t think I should be considered slutty or promiscuous because I have this..so I want to go into this conversation confident and not apologetic about it

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Taintedgirl

Your inclusion of how many people either of you have had sex with is irrelevant. Promiscuity doesn’t equal herpes. 

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Labscientist

I agree with taintedgirl, I don't think the number really matters especially since, like you said, sex is everywhere and there's nothing to be ashamed of. One idea to disclosed which is how I started mine, is telling him I have this virus and what it's similar to and how it's not a big deal but there's a lot of false stigma attached just to prepare him for what I was going to say kind of thing. The stats on how many people have it I think really solidifies the not really a big deal part. 

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Fgirl1222

I would ask if he’s been tested/had an STD and I’m sure he’ll relay the questions back to you so you can say “the last time I was tested, I was positive for herpes” and then tell him all the information about it but don’t act apologetic because that scares people. You kinda just have to say it nonchalantly and fheor response will mirror your reaction 

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Taintedgirl
2 hours ago, Labscientist said:

I agree with taintedgirl, I don't think the number really matters especially since, like you said, sex is everywhere and there's nothing to be ashamed of. One idea to disclosed which is how I started mine, is telling him I have this virus and what it's similar to and how it's not a big deal but there's a lot of false stigma attached just to prepare him for what I was going to say kind of thing. The stats on how many people have it I think really solidifies the not really a big deal part. 

Saying it’s not a big deal is kind of false don’t you think?

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Help101

I get it doesn’t equal promiscuity. But if you’re talking to people that aren’t aware of the condition, they usually think it’s a !*@* disease, etc, that’s the only reason I added that. I don’t want to appear apologetic for it or ashamed, so I was asking about approaches to be like, hey it is what it is but here’s the facts, etc. thanks for your feedback, so far this is really helpful ! 

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IcantThinkofaName
27 minutes ago, Taintedgirl said:

Saying it’s not a big deal is kind of false don’t you think?

I think its a big deal. it has completely changed my life and happiness. Sores every 2 weeks or so isn't "no big deal"

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Taintedgirl
1 minute ago, IcantThinkofaName said:

I think its a big deal. it has completely changed my life and happiness. Sores every 2 weeks or so isn't "no big deal"

Exactly. I get that people want love or sex or whatever but let’s not downplay the incurable aspect or the fact that it can literally blind you. Saying it’s not a big deal is irresponsible. 

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Taintedgirl
6 minutes ago, Help101 said:

I get it doesn’t equal promiscuity. But if you’re talking to people that aren’t aware of the condition, they usually think it’s a !*@* disease, etc, that’s the only reason I added that. I don’t want to appear apologetic for it or ashamed, so I was asking about approaches to be like, hey it is what it is but here’s the facts, etc. thanks for your feedback, so far this is really helpful ! 

Even virgins have herpes. It might just be a cold sore but it’s herpes. A better approach would be to ask if the get cold sores or know anyone who does then go into explaining how you have it genitally because the whole I’m not a !*@* but I have herpes approach is bound to backfire. It sounds defensive. 

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IcantThinkofaName
2 minutes ago, Taintedgirl said:

Exactly. I get that people want love or sex or whatever but let’s not downplay the incurable aspect or the fact that it can literally blind you. Saying it’s not a big deal is irresponsible. 

I guess for some people it isn't a big deal, they have little or no symptoms,  but, you don't know how the person's body who may contract it from you will react or how it will affect them-physically and emotionally. 

Yeah its incurable. There is no going back. Its not like the Flu virus that once you get well, it doesn't come back again every month.

This disease has really fucked up my health.

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IcantThinkofaName
3 hours ago, Help101 said:

? I was thinking ask the guy first how many women he’s been with, then ask when was the last time he got tested. And then once he answers those questions I then admit I’ve been with X amount of guys and I tested positive for herpes. Then I disclose how much information I’m aware of on the condition, etc 

What are your thoughts? I am uncomfortable with having to disclose I have herpes, but I’m not embarrassed or ashamed because I truly don’t think I have anything to be ashamed of. In today’s world where sex is everywhere, I don’t think I should be considered slutty or promiscuous because I have this..so I want to go into this conversation confident and not apologetic about it

I don't think asking someones number is good. It brings out the judgmental part in people and  the fear of being judged.  It makes people defensive.

I'd start with testing. Disclose together.

If you have type 1 (GHSV1), I think its much more accepted than having type 2 also. Oral HSV1 is not even disclosed by most people (I don't agree with that but its a fact) becasue it is so common. 

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Taintedgirl
7 minutes ago, IcantThinkofaName said:

I guess for some people it isn't a big deal, they have little or no symptoms,  but, you don't know how the person's body who may contract it from you will react or how it will affect them-physically and emotionally.

I need you to say exactly this on every post lol people assume their minimal outbreaks transfer to the person they give this to but that’s not true at all. You might give this to the wrong person who ends up having chronic symptoms and now you would’ve saddled someone with medical bills they didn’t ask for while you move on to the next person. The risk for casual sex doesn’t seem worth it honestly maybe long term but for just a one night stand I’m not too sure. 

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IcantThinkofaName
20 minutes ago, Taintedgirl said:

I need you to say exactly this on every post lol people assume their minimal outbreaks transfer to the person they give this to but that’s not true at all. You might give this to the wrong person who ends up having chronic symptoms and now you would’ve saddled someone with medical bills they didn’t ask for while you move on to the next person. The risk for casual sex doesn’t seem worth it honestly maybe long term but for just a one night stand I’m not too sure. 

story of my life.

chronic medical condition now- daily meds and bills and a pre existing condition added to my record

I got this from my former fiancee who recently ghosted me. I think I feel worse than getting it from a stranger actually. 

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Taintedgirl
16 minutes ago, IcantThinkofaName said:

story of my life.

chronic medical condition now- daily meds and bills and a pre existing condition added to my record

I got this from my former fiancee who recently ghosted me. I think I feel worse than getting it from a stranger actually. 

I’m sorry you’re going through it. No one deserves this especially not from someone they loved and almost married.Honestly I wish there were better treatment options out there I wish this was taken seriously. 

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Help101

I agree. Also, how is an STD that is extremely common worldwide not part of the standard STD testing...and you have to specifically ask for It?The fact that it’s not taken too seriously and doctors say once they diagnose you, “It’s not the end of the world,” doesn’t comfort me

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yupitsherpes

I'm sure no one with this disease thinks it's "no big deal" but do you want to apologize for it or give some one a few days to think about if they can stomach touching you, no! If you remain calm and casual with a go with the flow approach it eases overall tension. I just ask if they've ever had a cold sore and say that I have, and on occasion get them on my ladybits but take a daily suppressant to minimize those occurrences and haven't had an outbreak in x amount of time. Will only go into more detail if they ask. Also ask when is the last time they've been tested and inform them that they don't test for hsv unless requested. I go every 6 months but offer to go around the same time as them and in the meantime either refrain or be extra safe. Reassure that OUR health is important and neither of us should risk it without reassurance and trust. 

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Mac0317

No need to bring up number of sexual partners. I bring up the topic of sexual health and how important it is to talk about it. I ask them when the last time they were tested and if they had been tested after their most recent partners (chances are, nope!) I let them know how important it is to me to get tested regularly and that I became an advocate for sexual health and practicing safe sex after my own was compromised during a relationship and I was exposed to the herpes simplex virus, which we know as a skin condition but can be transmitted sexually. I give them the stats, if I feel it’s necessary. Tell them what I do to prevent symptoms and what I can do to protect my partners the best I can. Let them know I’m open to answer any questions. That’s it. Don’t make it seem like the worst thing or they will think it is. Be confident about it and confident with yourself. It doesn’t effect me on a daily or regular basis and I won’t treat it like it does.

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Stillblessed
On 3/6/2018 at 12:51 PM, Taintedgirl said:

Exactly. I get that people want love or sex or whatever but let’s not downplay the incurable aspect or the fact that it can literally blind you. Saying it’s not a big deal is irresponsible. 

You know you play into the stigma when you say things like this? Going blind is the worrrrst case and extremely rare. How is it irresponsible?? For most people it isn't a big deal cause 1, 80% of the people who have it don't know they have it. And 2, that leaves 20% that know and that leaves a smaller percentage of people who have bad outbreaks. That was very negative advice to give to somebody trying to learn how to disclose. @Help101 I suggest that you go to this different herpes forum called herpeslife.com it has A MUCH MORE positive outlook on herpes and it even has ebooks on how to disclose! There's a section about plenty success stories and how people found love with non H People. It's PLENTY of positive stories on how it CAN work. Many people share exactly what the said too. I love your outlook on this virus it's nothing to be ashamed of and that's the attitude you need to have when you disclose. Please don't let people scare you into thinking you're the walking plauge! You're still who you are before the diagnosis.

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Taintedgirl
1 hour ago, Stillblessed said:

You know you play into the stigma when you say things like this? Going blind is the worrrrst case and extremely rare. How is it irresponsible?? For most people it isn't a big deal cause 1, 80% of the people who have it don't know they have it. And 2, that leaves 20% that know and that leaves a smaller percentage of people who have bad outbreaks. That was very negative advice to give to somebody trying to learn how to disclose. @Help101 I suggest that you go to this different herpes forum called herpeslife.com it has A MUCH MORE positive outlook on herpes and it even has ebooks on how to disclose! There's a section about plenty success stories and how people found love with non H People. It's PLENTY of positive stories on how it CAN work. Many people share exactly what the said too. I love your outlook on this virus it's nothing to be ashamed of and that's the attitude you need to have when you disclose. Please don't let people scare you into thinking you're the walking plauge! You're still who you are before the diagnosis.

No one said there’s no one who has found love with herpes but the risks need to be weighed. I don’t play into any stigma anyone in my personal life knows I’m very open and unashamed of my herpes I let people know the WHOLE I don’t sugar coat anything when they ask me about it. The reason people like you leave out the extreme cases is because of rejection I aim to educate. Being truthful is not being negative if your definition of negative is everything you don’t like then your view skewed. The quote is from my discussion with @IcantThinkofaName the only advice I gave @Help101 was to forgo the whole promiscuity aspect of her disclosure if you read through thoroughly you will see others agree with my sentiments. Let’s read through everything before we attack aimlessly.

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Stillblessed
7 minutes ago, Taintedgirl said:

No one said there’s no one who has found love with herpes but the risks need to be weighed. I don’t play into any stigma anyone in my personal life knows I’m very open and unashamed of my herpes I let people know the WHOLE I don’t sugar coat anything when they ask me about it. The reason people like you leave out the extreme cases is because of rejection I aim to educate. Being truthful is not being negative if your definition of negative is everything you don’t like then your view skewed. The quote is from my discussion with @IcantThinkofaName the only advice I gave @Help101 was to forgo the whole promiscuity aspect of her disclosure if you read through thoroughly you will see others agree with my sentiments. Let’s read through everything before we attack aimlessly.

I read everything! And throughly. I've read many of your responses including the one on mine and maybe you don't consider yourself negative but you're DEFINITLEY a pessimist. Look up the definition before you claim that you aren't. And maybe you weren't talking to her but you're still under her post talking about people going blind when she's asking for advice on how to disclose? That's pessimistic. I havent disclosed to a potential partner yet so you dont know that I have "left the worst cases out" but I damn sure won't go into disclosure telling people that you could go blind cause you can go blind with a lot of things in life and I'm sure herpes isn't even top 10 on that list. I just don't like focusing on the worst. That's like a used cars salesman saying you should by this car but the engine can over heat and it could catch on fire while you're driving. Yes that can and has happened but that's not something that they are going to say cause they aren't focused on the worst. 

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Taintedgirl
Just now, Stillblessed said:

I read everything! And throughly. I've read many of your responses including the one on mine and maybe you don't consider yourself negative but you're DEFINITLEY a pessimist. Look up the definition before you claim that you aren't. And maybe you weren't talking to her but you're still under her post talking about people going blind when she's asking for advice on how to disclose? That's pessimistic. I havent disclosed to a potential partner yet so you dont know that I have "left the worst cases out" but I damn sure won't go into disclosure telling people that you could go blind cause you can go blind with a lot of things in life and I'm sure herpes isn't even top 10 on that list. I just don't like focusing on the worst. That's like a used cars salesman saying you should by this car but the engine can over heat and it could catch on fire while you're driving. Yes that can and has happened but that's not something that they are going to say cause they aren't focused on the worst. 

Herpes is the leading cause of corneal blindness in the US. I would appreciate a used car salesman who told me the truth over one who lied to me just to get me to buy a car that way I can assume the risk of said car catching fire. I don’t see the point in not being honest about the whole thing. Once again you’re mistaking realism with pessimism. Had I been a pessimist I would have simply told her to forgo disclosure because herpes is a death sentence but I did not instead I gave advice that everyone agreed with. Love and sex are possible but not without risk however minimal. Feel free to message me if you wish because you clearly have a lot to say to me I believe a good discussion can clear up any misunderstandings 

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Stillblessed
28 minutes ago, Taintedgirl said:

Herpes is the leading cause of corneal blindness in the US. I would appreciate a used car salesman who told me the truth over one who lied to me just to get me to buy a car that way I can assume the risk of said car catching fire. I don’t see the point in not being honest about the whole thing. Once again you’re mistaking realism with pessimism. Had I been a pessimist I would have simply told her to forgo disclosure because herpes is a death sentence but I did not instead I gave advice that everyone agreed with. Love and sex are possible but not without risk however minimal. Feel free to message me if you wish because you clearly have a lot to say to me I believe a good discussion can clear up any misunderstandings 

Wowwwwwwww Where are you getting your facts from?!!!!! That is 100% false!! the leading causes of blindness right now are..  1)cataract at 47.9% 2) glaucoma at 12.3% ) AMD 4)corneal opacity 5) diabetic retinopathy. Don't say I said "corneal blindness" either because it's not a leading cause because trachoma is! PLEASE PLEASE send me the link where you got your facts from. I would love to have a discussion but considering you're literally pulling stuff out of your ass to make herpes seem worse than it is makes me want to forgo that discussion! 

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Taintedgirl
1 minute ago, Stillblessed said:

Wowwwwwwww Where are you getting your facts from?!!!!! That is 100% false!! the leading causes of blindness right now are..  1)cataract at 47.9% 2) glaucoma at 12.3% ) AMD 4)corneal opacity 5) diabetic retinopathy. Don't say I said "corneal blindness" either because it's not a leading cause because trachoma is! PLEASE PLEASE send me the link where you got your facts from. I would love to have a discussion but considering you're literally pulling stuff out of your ass to make herpes seem worse than it is makes me want to forgo that discussion! 

I got that information from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5261835/ and Ihttps://nei.nih.gov/faqs/cornea-ocular-herpes-herpes-simplex. I don’t need to pull anything out of anywhere and there is no need for you to speak to me that way we are having a discussion if it’s not clear I am not arguing with you so perhaps you can shelve the hostility as it is not needed. I am not trying to make anything worse. You forget that I have herpes as well and it would serve me no purpose to make it worse than it seems. I reached out to you in an honest attempt to get you to at least explain why you have a problem with me but clearly that is going nowhere. Still on the table though because I don’t understand how a stranger on the internet can be so bothered.

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