Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group
Privatefriend

Dealing with emotional trauma

Recommended Posts

Privatefriend

So, I've come to terms with the fact that I have this now. But when I first got it, all I wanted to do was talk to him. I don't know if it was because I had a lot I wanted to say (I still do) or because I was hoping I could talk with someone about this that also has it. But instead, he's gave me something I have to live with for the rest of my life, cut all ties with me and is now pretending I don't exist. I felt alone, sad. But now I'm filled with anger. How could you do that to someone? Someone you said you loved. You knew you had it, you knew you were giving it to me yet you gave me no choice in the matter. Instead all you gave me after the fact was "sorry" "I should've told you"

How do you sleep at night? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
IcantThinkofaName

I totally relate to this and I feel and empathize with your pain and anger. My giver also  eventually cut ties with me and won't respond to my messages ( and we were engaged). He just walked away and left me with a bunch of health problems and didn't seem to care- only about himself. He never really admitted to giving it to me and said he was tired of my crying and Obs and it was making him feel bad ( i am paraphrasing some here as he didn't say all this directly to me when he ghosted me). He is a weak coward. He clearly never loved me and was probably just using me to get a green card.

I have written letters to him to get out my frustrations- which come up all the time (like 4 am), but not sent them. its good to write that stuff out so it doesn't mill around in your head causing 'ruminating thoughts.'  I am really tempted to send one though and I am trying to resist the urge. My therapist says to stop all contact that it won't do any good except to make me look bad. ( I had tried to contact him for some months)

My therapist also says I will never forget this or him or get over this /what he did to me as its a chronic disease. Everytime I get an OB its always a reminder. YAY!

I don't know how these people sleep at night. I sure can't.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mimi89

I’m still going through my first OB so I’m feeling everything that you’re feeling. I trusted this guy and for him to give me this knowing that he has it just isn’t fair. I wonder how can he sleep at night while I’m crying and waking up every few hours from the pain. I was the one to cut off all ties with him because he kept denying he had it and had every excuse in the world to not share his results with me. I miss the person that I used to be and I’m coming to terms with this I just don’t understand how do the givers live with themselves knowing they ruined someone else 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dismal00

Wow I can relate so well to all of you. You’ll have to read the topic I just posted “blowing off steam” I’m so happy I’m not alone feeling this way. I thought my ex loved me too but now he’s accusing me of sleeping around and indirectly calling me a bitch on twitter. None of my girl friends know I have this so it’s sooo nice talking about it and knowing other girls are going through the same thing. Stay strong. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lukeherpwalker

You all seem to know for sure that they knew they had it and purposely gave it to u... Ever think they didn't know 80 percent don't... Or that they didn't purposely give it to u ie condoms, meds

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mimi89

@Lukeherpwalker initially I gave him the benefit of not knowing. I asked him to share his results with me and he sends me pic of an HIV test with the date covered. The excuses range from “There’s multiple papers, I’ll send you the rest of the results when I get home” to “my doctors office can’t give me a copy, they can only tell me over the phone.” To me that proves that he knew he had it or he’s still in denial about having it. Either way it doesn’t take away the pain that we all feel physically or emotionally 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Jimmyjimmyhuapua

For future relationships all you are gonna have best relations be sure because its gonna be a mutual health problem for you and your bf maybe if he will also be herpes carrier and when a cure is found that strong ties will never end. The hardest times you shared will make the strongest ties.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
IcantThinkofaName
12 hours ago, Lukeherpwalker said:

You all seem to know for sure that they knew they had it and purposely gave it to u... Ever think they didn't know 80 percent don't... Or that they didn't purposely give it to u ie condoms, meds

Whether he knew or not???...I'll never know... For me, it was how he acted/reacted, what he did or did not do that has made all the difference.  It was the denial that he had anything-- denying that he gave it to me (when he clearly did and I had tests to prove it), initially even saying I gave it to him!!! , then refusing to get tested after I had the initial, terrible, weeks long OB, refusal to go to a dr  about this matter even though I begged him for months, or even call the dr for the  paperwork for the non existent tests he said he had done  before we were ever intimate. Telling me to stop crying when I had Outbreaks,  as it was making him feel bad, and telling me he was tired of it...then just walking away without any feeling for what he had done.. leaving me with a lifetime of health problems and depression. That all speaks mountains to me.  A person who gives someone  a  permanent disease  should act more graciously and empathicly. They should be there for the person they said they loved.  A person who cared about his own health would go to the DR too. That is just weird to me.

I am starting to think he did have an initial OB at one time, long ago, but just didn't know what it was nor care, and conveniently forgot about it or never though about it again.  He was probably lucky enough to not have constant Obs that I have. Denial or ignorance is bliss - then there is no accountability- you just "didn't know for sure" 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dismal00
On 3/18/2018 at 11:00 AM, Lukeherpwalker said:

You all seem to know for sure that they knew they had it and purposely gave it to u... Ever think they didn't know 80 percent don't... Or that they didn't purposely give it to u ie condoms, meds

My ex did not know he had it. I'm just saying he treated me like shit afterwards.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lukeherpwalker

I'm just thinking if I didn't know I had this disease. And a girl suddenly tells me I gave it to her.... I would probably react the same too think she cheated or think she had it and this is her way of telling me... After all if I've never had an outbreak or thought it was a razor bump why would I believe or much less want anytjing to do with that girl ?? And trust me I'm new to herpes my life is soooooo depressed rigjt now so I feel ur pain. But im just saying u shouldn't be so angry because a guy didn't stay with u forever or wasn't nicer about it... See from their point of view

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lukeherpwalker

And again I REALLY am not trying to down play your pain... Maybe the fault... But not the pain I know this is life changing and it sucks donkey balls.... 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
IcantThinkofaName
8 hours ago, Lukeherpwalker said:

I'm just thinking if I didn't know I had this disease. And a girl suddenly tells me I gave it to her.... I would probably react the same too think she cheated or think she had it and this is her way of telling me... After all if I've never had an outbreak or thought it was a razor bump why would I believe or much less want anytjing to do with that girl ?? And trust me I'm new to herpes my life is soooooo depressed rigjt now so I feel ur pain. But im just saying u shouldn't be so angry because a guy didn't stay with u forever or wasn't nicer about it... See from their point of view

so, my giver was my fiancee. he already "promised to love me forever." what a joke. he also said he was STD free and had been tested- including HSV -not.

 This is not an attack- I am using "YOU" here just as a pronoun-:) in rebuff to "see it from [a guys ] point of view"

If you care even a tiny fraction for someone, or even just respect someone  as a human being at a base level ( this person you already chose to have sex with), and they tell you that after sex with you (something pretty intimate, reserved only for true love or marriage/procreation in the distant past), they became very ill and broke out with something terrible on their privates, why would you be mean or accuse them of something? Why wouldn't someone just be a decent person and try to understand what happened, take some responsibility , understand that it could possibly be from "you" , and go and get tested and , if you did  give it to them, apologize and try to be cool. Is that so difficult? I'm not saying you have to stay with them forever , but god... man up!!

If you can't be a decent person, then why did you have sex in the first place.   Or you were just using them for pleasure, so you don't have to be a gentleman or have a heart? 

A person unable to do those things is clearly not mature enough to be having sex.  What if she got pregnant too? You can't run from that one, but you can run from a STD?? Thats ok, right?

I certainly don't want the asshole who gave me a STD and treated me like that to stay with me forever.  But they should be nicer about it. A  lot nicer.

I expect people to have a soul and be empathetic and take responsibility to own up to their actions.  Its my mistake to make these expectations!

7 hours ago, Lukeherpwalker said:

why would I believe or much less want anytjing to do with that girl ??

so its Ok to just use her for sex? (And I am not saying that women don't use men for sex too, but, in general I think sex means more to us- its hard wired for us to take it as something meaningful and form bonds/ attachments/feelings.) But once there is an STD issue- goodbye?? even though there is a good chance you just gave someone a STD- a 'forever' STD?

One should have gotten the STD issue crystal clear before having sex, and if one didn't do that, one needs to realize that he/she is just as liable and potentially at fault. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lukeherpwalker

1st sex is not reserved to true love or marriage lol its 2018 casual sex is probably more popular than dating.....yes its ok to just use someone for sex as u said both men and women do so an its not a mans fault how a woman is "wired" or vice versa. Also to get stds crystal clear maybe you should go get tested with your partner and if u fail to do so accept part of the blame....  In your situation i understand because the guy was your fiance. But even still marriages don't always last forever .... Babies dont make people stay either they actually leave becauee of babies too.so why would herpes make someone stay ?? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
IcantThinkofaName
15 hours ago, Lukeherpwalker said:

1st sex is not reserved to true love or marriage lol its 2018 casual sex is probably more popular than dating.....yes its ok to just use someone for sex as u said both men and women do so an its not a mans fault how a woman is "wired" or vice versa. Also to get stds crystal clear maybe you should go get tested with your partner and if u fail to do so accept part of the blame....  In your situation i understand because the guy was your fiance. But even still marriages don't always last forever .... Babies dont make people stay either they actually leave becauee of babies too.so why would herpes make someone stay ?? 

I think you are misreading/misinterepting what I am writing.

I didn't say babies make people stay. But they can't run away from what they have done either or ignore the person they got pregnant, like they can to the person they gave HSV to.  There is court ordered child support/responsibility. Unless you want jail time and no drivers license. Of course people can disappear or hide or not pay up, but those people are generally irresponsible selfish assholes.

Again, I never said I wanted someone to stay because they gave me herpes. I just don't want to be treated badly by them or disrespected when it was them that gave me the STD. The things he said to me were not compassionate or understanding . It was "stop crying, you're making me{him} feel bad"

I wanted an apology, I wanted him to get tested, I wanted compassion/empathy. My Obs and symptoms are constant and bad. His were not. He just didn't understand that. For him it was nothing, for me it was misery.

I was on the fence about staying with him, OK? I resented him so much that it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I don't want to be with a liar who has no compassion and empathy for the misery he caused me.

 

15 hours ago, Lukeherpwalker said:

1st sex is not reserved to true love or marriage lol its 2018 casual sex is probably more popular than dating.....yes its ok to just use someone for sex

No shit. I said  sex was reserved only for true love or marriage/procreation in the distant past 

Casual sex is a bad idea, IMO. It leads to low self esteem. It doesn't have to but for me , I aways developed feelings for someone after being intimate - you are sharing a little bit of your soul with them- and your bacteria, ...and viruses.

I personally don't think its right to use people for sex. When ever I have had sex with someone I always had some sort of feelings for them- otherwise, why even do it? (If I didn't feel something, it wouldn't be good sex anyway, so why bother?) But, regardless,  if I potentially gave someone an STD thru casual sex, I certainly wouldn't treat them like shit. I would own up to my culpability, get tested, apologize if it was from me...

 

15 hours ago, Lukeherpwalker said:

Also to get stds crystal clear maybe you should go get tested with your partner and if u fail to do so accept part of the blame

Thats what I am saying! 

However, in my case, my fiancee lived in another country so hard to go together, based on location and our respective countries insurances etc. But we didn't have sex until after testing (alleged testing) occurred.

 I got tested. He said he got tested. I thought his STD testing was clear-- and true and negative based on his word. My fault is I trusted someone to be honest. Its my fault I didn't ask to see the papers. I didn't think I had to as I trusted him. He lied.   Its not exactly my fault if I was lied to and deceived. I did my part and got tested and made sure HSV was on there. In the end, he had no papers and didn't get any testing done and did nothing to prove to me otherwise. So I got suckered by someone I loved and was engaged to, and now I have to live with this forever. Hind sight is 20/20.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Advertisement

Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
      68,385
    • Total Posts
      456,695
  • Posts

    • Burty
      Coming back to report that after vaccinations in May and July, today I have one vesicle. Called the doctor and will report back later. Slightly pessimistic at this point. 
    • Cariad
      I think I need to treat this as an ocd thought (that I've got herpes) and not check myself compulsively, not seek constant reassurance from doctors and the internet, just try and forget about it. Re disclosure, I would tell future partners that i could have hsv but I don't know, all the visual examinations and tests I've had have come back negative but there's still a possibility that i have herpes. Then they can decide whether to take the risk. I always assume someone is positive for everything unless there are tests to prove otherwise. I don't do casual relationships so always get a full sexual health screening with my new partner so we can both be safe. But they could have herpes and not know as it's not routinely checked for. It's a risk for all parties involved. I spoke to herpes.org.uk helpline and Marion told me that blood tests are routinely bringing up false positives/negatives and that having the virus doesn't predict when and where you're going to have an ob. I therefore wouldn't trust the result of the test and would be repeatedly getting tested, as I did when my hiv ocd was really bad. That was a hugely stressful and anxious time and I don't want to go through that again!! Especially for a virus that can't kill you!! So I think I'm going to have to live with the uncertainty of having herpes obs and avoid sexual contact whenever I feel sore down below if/when I'm in a relationship.  Being on this forum is just exacerbating my Ocd, so I think that I should stop posting as it's reassurance-seeking. Wishing you all the best and thank you all for your help, advice and support. Remember - it's just a virus that billions of people have and doesn't make us dirty or unworthy of love or a good life. Stay safe and well xx
    • WilsoInAus
      And I’ll help you up until the second coming. I think this is an unhealthy dose of imaginitis as far as herpes is concerned. Wouldn’t you agree?
    • WilsoInAus
      Yes man that’s correct. I mean we don’t really want more people in the delusional room with mirrors that see nothing, do we?
    • WilsoInAus
      There’s nothing visually or in what you describe that is suggestive of herpes. See your doctor if you have concerns, there’s plenty of things on the list of possibilities here.
×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.