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xxxgirl

How to get over the fear of giving your partner herpes

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xxxgirl

Hey guys, so I recently started seeing this new guy and we had the talk the other night and it went amazingly well. He told me it didn't matter at all to him and he liked me too much to let that stop him from seeing me. He went home and did his own research and last night we had sex for the first time. He didn't seem particularly concerned with using a condom but I was not going to risk his health so we used one and it was great! This was my first disclosure since diagnosis and I'm so happy it went well. What I am struggling with is the aftermath of just worrying constantly that I've given him this. I am on suppressive therapy and we were safe but I can't shake the thought and just feel really upset and scared. Im freaking out because I have this tiny bump and I'm like holy shit is this an outbreak I honestly can't tell sometimes if things are ingrown hairs, pimples, sores because they all look similar and now anything I see I always think its herpes. I was wondering how after sex with your negative partner are you able to just be happy and not fretting 24/7 you may have passed this virus on to someone you care about. I know he took the risk and he understands the risks involved but I feel like a lot of the time people always think it won't happen to them. Im also a little afraid because this is a recent infection I know I am more contagious than I would be after about a year. I just want any tips how to cope/deal with the negative thoughts that keep creeping into my mind. Im doing everything to protect him but nothing is a guarantee and I would feel horrible if he contracted this after all my precautions. :( Its a tough situation.

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Joel Jameson

I wouldn't stress yourself out with what ifs. You completely disclosed your situation to your partner and he knows the risks involved and it's obviously not a problem for him. At least you're aware that you have it and you are taking the proper precautions to not spread it to him. Of course anything can happen, but at least you're being cautious. That's something you'd both have to deal with if and when it happens. Don't let this define you or your sex life. Have fun and enjoy yourselves as long as you are cautious and refrain from sexual activities when you feel an outbreak coming. That's all you really can do. Don't live your life in fear over it, because then you'll never truly enjoy those intimate moments. Best of luck! I'm sure it'll be fine since you're on suppressive therapy. Plus you're being cautious.

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LillianPanos

Me too told him we both did our research. I try not to worry I take my meds and try not to worry about him getting infected. 2 years this week with infection and h2. Met him by chance after breaking up with giver. @xxxgirl

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Joel Jameson

It's good that you're both informed, just enjoy your relationship. Everything happens for a reason, you're doing the right thing by being open about it. I know how frustrating it can be. I have oral HSV-1 and not sure whether or not I have it genitally. Take it from me though constantly worrying about it won't help anything, if anything stressing about it will cause more outbreaks. There seems to be a lot of good people on here that want to help each other going through the same thing that will definitely help you cope with your situation. Just knowing you're not alone in this helps a lot. 

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Jimmyjimmyhuapua

Mm you know there will always be risk of giving it to partner even with condom and antivirals if he accepted the situation and risk then dont bother urself. You are not one who is trying to hide ur condition from partners. Ofc try your best and avoid infecting. But dont blame u if he is infected

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    • TerribleAtUserNames
      Hey everyone, thanks for responding! So you know, I updated the original post with negative effects I've experienced with alcohol as treatment, so feel free to check that out if you're curious.  Now, to what you guys were saying...    MaxTX: I actually use alcohol as my disinfectant of choice for most wounds. And sutiability seems to vary based on the type of alcohol used (says the internet). That being said, you are right apparently--but this isn't about the best wound treatment method. Its about stopping outbreaks. Regardless, I suspect the deleterious effects are fairly minor if you're trying to disinfect most wounds, but that's totally my personal opinion.  None the less, I'd suggest giving it a shot for outbreak prevention. It certainly works for me, hopefully it will for you too. And compared to taking an experimental vaccine or something like that, wouldn't this be easy and super low risk to try? Also if you google 'herpes' and 'alcohol' you can find a number of hits suggesting its use as a disinfectant for the sores.   Tired of Waiting: I'm sorry, it was a long time ago that I read her talking about it. But from what I remember, she was talking about wiping down there with alcohol, and how it helped with her outbreaks. I remember her also saying it burned like a mofo at first, but eventually became kinda second nature. I don't know what type of alcohol she used, sorry. Again, if you're concerned, maybe ask your doctor about safety? Like I said, isopropyl has worked well for me. I actually do use it before sex for that reason, back when I was having sex that is. Across 3 partners used with, no known infections--but given that I have hsv 1, and like 50-60% of the population is infected already, but only 10% present with symptoms, that could mean nothing. Unfortunately, I'm not a doctor, and certainly not one that has researched this scientifically, so I can't give you a firm answer for transmission prevention during sex. Personally, I'm confident in at least isopropyl alcohol's herpes killing abilities, even if just topically. For better or worse, real or imagined (but I suspect real), I let myself relax a lot more when using it before sex.  And then again after sex, for my own sake, hahaha, as I'm not overly keen on risking anything else. However, even this is something to consult a doctor about--I feel like there is conflicting information on whether it can be helpful post coitus, or whether it can actually increase the risk of getting an sti vs. simply washing. Imo, do some research and ask a physician to confirm or deny what you've learned.   Cas9: Soap and water never worked anywhere close to as well for me. Soap and water still meant permanent outbreak. So I suspect the alcohol is doing much more. I should clarify though, that I do actually dilligently use soap and water as well--the whole regular bathing thing 😁 I know you suggested to Tired of Waiting that it wouldn't affect outbreak frequency or the latent virus. I can't obviously check my own latent virus levels, but yes I can still get outbreaks if I stop using the alcohol. However I can, indeed, use it as a prophylactic for outbreaks, and it does prevent me from getting them the vast majority of the time. Perhaps because that kind of tissue is more absorbent or something? Or perhaps when topically applied the alcohol is significantly more potent and herpes unfriendly--which I believe really is also the case from what I've read. I know though that I can't discontinue alcohol treatment for more than 6ish days (my limit so far) without flaring up again. And with twice daily showers, that would strongly imply that soap and water is really not helping the same way.  Cheers, guys! 
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