Hi all, I honestly don't know where to start. I can't say that I've never felt such extreme feelings before as I've battled PTSD for some time. I guess the difference being with the PTSD all I had to worry about is myself. Now with the HSV I'm constantly worried about everyone else.
I was diagnosed in January, I was horribly ill. It started out with symptoms of a uti, that didn't worry me as it wasnt unusual for me to develop BV after sleeping with someone new. Then the fatigue and flu like symptoms set in, the burning whilst urinating. I kept going back to the doctors and with no visible sores they just kept testing my urine for uti's. A couple of days in I wound up at a women's hospital, it was here they decides to do an STD screening, though still with no visible sores they decided to go ahead and test me for HSV. With some antibiotics they sent me on my way in hopes that my uti would heal up and told me to call on the Friday for results, Friday came and I was still not any better.. I was worse! I called up and was informed that both chlamydia and gonorrhea tests were negative and they'd get back to me with the HSV results as soon as they came in. Ironically when I hung up the phone I turned to my friend relieved and said both negative and I'm not even worried about HSV, I must of been punished!
By Friday night the uti had spread to a kidney infection, I was in extreme pain. Back to the hospital I went, though this time to the general ER. Due to family history of kidney stones my illness was taken very seriously and I was attended tp straight away. More tests were done and my high heart rate and temperature kept rising, despite great efforts to keep them under control. I was admitted and a series of tests were being ran, I got next to nothing sleep and had a severe reaction to the antibiotics that they had pumping in my body. The next morning the ED doctor walked in, as per usual he asked for a play by play of the events leading up to what made me attend the ER. After hearing what I had to say he then looked at me and said we have the results from the other hospital, " you've tested positive for genital herpes".
I can't explain the feeling I felt at that point, the only words I could manage to muster up was I want to die, I didn't understand. I didn't have these sores that I had learnt about, I had a uti, a kidney infection. Not genital herpes. I couldn't comprehend what he had just said. He then got a female nurse to help explain all about it, though I don't even remember a word she said.
That was it, it was time to go home. I hardly spoke the whole way home, I got home to get in the shower, I still couldn't believe it. I had to look I had to see! And there they were two tiny ulcer like lesions. No nothing leading up to these ulcers, I mean I was in the doctors every second day getting check that week. Not one of them saw any blisters! I rushed back to the women's hospital this time to get a script for antivirals and have another pep talk with a word not being heard. I was more worried that my mum would wonder why it was taking me two hours at the pharmacy where I told her I was going. I had to tell someone.. Anyone.. I called up my niece, barely getting a word out I broke down crying for the first time since hearing the diagnosis.. She was really supportive, though herself had lots of questions, I mean I couldn't answer them as even though my body was present when the virus was being explained to me, I was not.
Driving home I was auto pilot, I couldn't bare the thought of going home and have my parents ask me why I was different.. At this point I was like a zombie, I pulled over at the top of my street and balled my eyes out.. Picked up my phone and dialed my best friend.. when she answered she knew something was wrong, I kept saying things like please don't hate me. I won't be able to cope if you hate me, and out came those words those very words the doctor had said hours earlier.. Although I was distraught with the love and support she gave me through that phone call I was able to go home as I thought I would deal with it tomorrow.
I tried eating as I hadn't eaten in days but the thought of chewing the food made my stomach turn I didn't sleep that night or a few nights after that.. The next day though I was set to attend a friends child's birthday party.. It took all my might to get up and drive there, I wasn't even there half an hour before I had to leave. I couldn't bare the thought of people looking at me, I got away with leaving as I was ill with a kidney infection!.. Balling my eyes out on the way home I couldn't contain it, I pulled up into the drive way walked inside to where my mum was sitting.. She questioned why I had come home so early.. I couldn't contain it I had to tell her, as my mum is an older woman she didn't quite understand what it meant. Just that I had this virus for life and it was from sex, so she got to googling. Well of course that stupid scam website with the cure of eat this and drink that and it will be gone came up.. It took a lot of convincing to tell her otherwise!
My dad arrived shortly after and I was petrified of telling him as he is very old fashioned, to my surprise he was very supportive and loving.. It was a relief though it still didn't take that feeling away.. All I could think was herpes herpes herpes, if I was given a dollar for everytime my mind has said that we'd all be living in mansions.
Since then I decided to tell two other friends and my sister.. I feel great that they all have supported me with love but that doesnt change the anxiety that has taken over me. Since being diagnosed I've become more aware that people are ill and people have skin conditions.. Of course all of these skin conditions are a result of me transmitting herpes to my loved ones.. NOT REALLY! But try telling my irrarional mind that when its spiralling out of control.. I have become more isolated and past feelings from the PTSD trauma has come back to haunt me. Even though I know I will be happy one day and I will live a normal life I can't help but feel disgusting and ashamed. I haven't slept without pants on since being diagnosed as I feel like my sheets will be dirty, I can't hold my friends baby without washing my hands one hundred times! My nightmare's have returned, i havent had a proper nights sleep in months. I can't help but feel like I don't want to live anymore..
You may think I'm beingsilly and please no negative comments, I am dealing with a process that is much bigger then HSV. I know I am not a walking contagion, I know that HSV doesn't define me and I know that this is just a skin condition. That doesnt stop the constant crying and the disgust that i feel. This is my nightmare.. The nightmare that I don't think I can process.
I'm sorry this post is so long. You may or may not have read it all, this post was more to get the burden of holding it inside off of my chest. If you read it right to the end, thank you. Any reply is much appreciated.
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