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sunshine26_

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sunshine26_

I've been dating this guy for the past two weeks or so now and we have really hit it off. He is the sweetest guy ever, always a gentleman and we've been just taking time to get to know each other and hang out and whatnot. The other night, we were making out and it was getting a little hot and heavy and he backed away and said he wanted to slow things down because he didn't want this to turn into a situation where were just hooking up and i just thought it was so sweet of him because i then knew that this guy actually likes me and wants something more than just sex. At that moment i realized that I needed to have the dreaded talk with him, and for the rest of the night it was all i could think about. my anxiety was up the roof and i think he kind of noticed that something was up. as he was driving me back to my car, we sat in his car for a while and we had already been talking about some personal things that happened to me in the past and i was super emotional and crying and he was nothing but sweet and understanding. and then i brought up the fact that i needed to tell him something that he needed to know and he started to guess all these random things. he didn't get it at first and he asked me to tell him but i asked him to keep guessing because i didn't want to say it. and he finally did.. he guessed right. I have herpes. and I started to cry again because i just felt so ashamed and all i could think about is I'm going to lose the first guy that has ever treated me like a freaking human being. and he was trying to be casual about it and i just couldn't bare it anymore.. crying in front of him. i hugged him and he hugged me back.. and i told him i was going to take off and as i was leaving i noticed he was crying too and i just couldn't i left. I made it home and he texted me and he was still trying to be casual about it, but i knew it was too good to be true. the next day he texted me and was telling me that he was feeling weird, and that his anxiety was kicked up and i just felt terrible. he started to mention his concerns about his health and all i could do is tell him that he can turn and walk the other way and there would be no hard feelings because i know that its a complicated situation. and he kept asking me what i would do and asking for my opinion and all i could say is that i felt like my opinion didn't matter because i would never know what it would like to be in his shoes, ill always be on the other side. He texted later that night saying, that he likes me but that he's never been in that situation and that he doesn't feel like condoms would be enough. At this point, i'm not sure what to think. is he gonna end it? or is he trying to end it and does know how to do it because too nice to do it? All i could do is think about the bad outcomes because i don't have a history of relationships, just a history of bad dating outcomes. and its traumatizing. and it sucks. and for the past couple of days my anxiety has been up the roof, i can't sleep much, and i can't stop crying because i start to think that i'll never find anyone that is gonna be able to  handle my situation. 

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livinlearnin428

Firstly, good for you for doing the hard thing of being honest and disclosing as hard as it can be. It sounds like he needs to process it, which is fair. Ultimately, if he decides he can’t proceed it’s not your fault and he’s not the one for you. You still did what you could on your end and you wouldn’t want to be with someone who you couldn’t be up front and honest with. You have given my courage just reading your story as I am having a tough time disclosing to someone I already slept with. Continue living your truth and the right person will accept you no matter what! 

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Taintedgirl

You did the right thing honestly if nothing else your honesty helped someone else. I understand if you still want him around but I don’t think he’s coming back. You’ll find someone who wants to be with you it’ll just take a while but it’s not impossible too many people are going around not disclosing and nothing good starts with dishonesty. 

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yupitsherpes

Ugh! Some ppl are so negative! He’s a sweet guy and sometimes all it takes is a little reassurance. Definitely work on your disclosure because playing a guessing game and the crying can be a bit overwhelming to the person on the receiving end. Don’t feel disgusting or tainted. Just focus on the positive and try to remain open and confident when sharing something that personal. Best of luck to you! 

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sunshine26_

Update* He works a lot and its been hard to have a face to face conversation since i've told him and we've just been texting, but i decided to end things because he was making me feel like we have to do things differently and all because of this and he doesn't understand that, just throwing out alternatives is making me feel like idk.... idk how to explain how that makes me feel. like he said that sex doesn't matter to him and that he wants to make things work because he really likes me but he said that he thinks celibacy would be the best option for us. Like why does he have to throw celibacy out there? That just makes me feel like he thinks im contagious or whatever and i don't like that feeling. Am i being unreasonable? or am i just being selfish because i know I would eventually want to be intimate with him, and for him its just completely off the table. Any suggestions? Advice. 

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sunshine26_

@livinlearnin428. i completely know how you feel. ive been on that end and it really sucks. i eventually disclosed.. but i''ve learned from my mistakes. i have to take things slowly and if things are meant to keep going, than they will. best of luck and do what is best. 

@yupitsherpes  i know i do... i was planning on doing it better, but i just was very emotional at the time and i didnt know how else to say it because i felt like i had to tell him that night since we were already having the conversation. and i definitely feel that my overly emotional reaction definitely affected the way hes thinking about things. but at this point, im just doing what i think is best for both of us. i dont want him to feel uncomfrtable and although hes thrown out alternatives, that just still makes me feel like idk...

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livinlearnin428
1 hour ago, sunshine26_ said:

Update* He works a lot and its been hard to have a face to face conversation since i've told him and we've just been texting, but i decided to end things because he was making me feel like we have to do things differently and all because of this and he doesn't understand that, just throwing out alternatives is making me feel like idk.... idk how to explain how that makes me feel. like he said that sex doesn't matter to him and that he wants to make things work because he really likes me but he said that he thinks celibacy would be the best option for us. Like why does he have to throw celibacy out there? That just makes me feel like he thinks im contagious or whatever and i don't like that feeling. Am i being unreasonable? or am i just being selfish because i know I would eventually want to be intimate with him, and for him its just completely off the table. Any suggestions? Advice. 

Again, I give you so many props for recognizing what you want and ending it. I know how important sex is to me in a relationship (as are many other elements) and if he was going to be weird about it then it would have been a continuous struggle and you shouldn't have to convince someone that it's okay to have sex with you. 

I disclosed to a friends-with-benefits type about 3 years ago after my first OB and he told me he loved me and made me feel very reassured but then the first time we had sex he became very paranoid afterwards and also said he would never go down on me again just because he didn't want to contract it orally. It made me feel so bad about myself and I ended things with him after then because why be with someone who's going to shame you for something that shouldn't be shamed over?

 

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Taintedgirl
4 hours ago, sunshine26_ said:

Update* He works a lot and its been hard to have a face to face conversation since i've told him and we've just been texting, but i decided to end things because he was making me feel like we have to do things differently and all because of this and he doesn't understand that, just throwing out alternatives is making me feel like idk.... idk how to explain how that makes me feel. like he said that sex doesn't matter to him and that he wants to make things work because he really likes me but he said that he thinks celibacy would be the best option for us. Like why does he have to throw celibacy out there? That just makes me feel like he thinks im contagious or whatever and i don't like that feeling. Am i being unreasonable? or am i just being selfish because i know I would eventually want to be intimate with him, and for him its just completely off the table. Any suggestions? Advice. 

You did the right thing. Don’t think it’s impossible to find love or a sexual relationship It’ll happen just take your time and see who else is out there. 

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rshd
On 4/9/2018 at 9:26 AM, livinlearnin428 said:

Again, I give you so many props for recognizing what you want and ending it. I know how important sex is to me in a relationship (as are many other elements) and if he was going to be weird about it then it would have been a continuous struggle and you shouldn't have to convince someone that it's okay to have sex with you. 

I disclosed to a friends-with-benefits type about 3 years ago after my first OB and he told me he loved me and made me feel very reassured but then the first time we had sex he became very paranoid afterwards and also said he would never go down on me again just because he didn't want to contract it orally. It made me feel so bad about myself and I ended things with him after then because why be with someone who's going to shame you for something that shouldn't be shamed over?

 

 

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rshd

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to disclose and can try to understand feeling dirty, but please remember the one who was stating their level of readiness and comfort was not “making you feel dirty,” nor are they unreasonable or unloving and it can be really hard on them- if they love you enough to go through with a life- altering risk— especially if they don’t have the strongest physical constitution— and they care enough- A LOT actually, to let you know where they are at.

 

i recently did this with a man I love- I was being sexually active beyond what I intended with anyone— in general— but I also felt like HSV2 was a second reason to reign it in. 

I am attracted enough and love him enough to go crazy — but later — as in the bounds of marriage.  

Anyway, my point is when someone loves you enough to share their comfort level with you- whether it’s about their own sexual mores, style or HSV2, it’s not about us.  It’s never about you— it’s about them... and it may be a good thing for your long term ability to get close to anyone to recognize that you are beautiful, you are worth everything , but human relationships are a negotiation and back and forth and truly nothing is ever set in stone.

Hope this just helps you with an alternate viewpoint and different understanding.

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Nightmare7575

I know you ended things and no way accept the celibacy ,if he does come back send him some info on herpes and let him get educated then make his choice, but  stand your ground. I read these stories and I am not sure how it was not more of a bigger issue for me to stay with the woman who told me she had it, we used condoms for awhile and then back to nothing and stopping oral was never on my. mind]lol].

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