The Shame-Blame Game - please advise me

[acacia]

Phhh. 

Just been diagnosed positive for Virus 2 after a small lesion has been swab tested and having real communication issues with my partner this week as a result. 

I was blood tested two years ago for this as my ex-partner had some herpes like symptoms and we both came back negative. 

Since then I had sex 3 times with one other person I saw briefly before this new partner who I've been with for a year.  I've not seen any blisters nor did they report any. And so it's pretty likely that this has been passed on asymptomatically by this new partner (of 1 year), especially given his sexual history. 

What I really don't get, and pleased help me out here, is how to communicate about this constructively and healthily. 

His reaction when I told him I was getting tested and what they said was to mistrust me and my activities, wondering if I had cheated, saying he was finding it hard not to blame me. He now says he believes me. Thankfully. I have not strayed and will not.  

But with my check on my past info at the sex health clinic it makes it clear that it has come from one of two people, most likely him. And that is unusual to be able to pinpoint so clearly on origins. 

But what's happened is now he went to the sex health clinic to ask to be tested and they won't do a blood test ! Says he has to ask his doctor.  And who knows if they will do it. It's like they just don't care as it's not life threatening.  And because the doctor was off hand about it, then it seems like he is, too. Like he doesn't want to know, can't be bothered. Etc.

But you know, it really matters to me. 

And I feel so alone because my partner is just not being mature and responsible about this. I feel like I am having to force him to go and have these tests and force him to call his doctor and get evidence of previous tests. 

 

He assured me all has always been negative and said he had herpes done but then I questioned again and now he doesn't know. And he just seems to have other priorities than sorting this out, even just to get the information to allow us to decide what to do about our sex life. Let alone support me , or us support each other through this diagnosis. 

It feels so horrible. 

He said today on the phone 'no matter what, i only want to be with you. '. And I really appreciated hearing that.  But at the same time , if I'm having to push and remind and badger him to get him to get the info we need and our communication is at all time basic with no emotion, it feels so disappointing to me. 

It makes me realise how immature this person can be. And that is very sad for me.  I am facing, and likely we are both facing, a lifetime of potential OBs plus the need for ethical responsible disclosure and more limited sexual partner possibilities if we aren't together for ever. And that is very tough. I feel very alone with this. 

I would really appreciate some advice from you all on how to do this better and constructively. At the moment I feel like I'm not allowed to have the space to feel all the feelings about this and talk to my partner because he is in denial of some sort. And I feel very upset about that. 

Thank you xxx

 

 

[Maeby]

Acacia, you seem very mature and well spoken, and I'm really impressed with the way you are handling yourself.  I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I'm sorry you don't seem to be getting the support and cooperation you need from your partner.  When I was first diagnosed, I had a very caring ex who tried to get a blood test done to see if he had it too.  He was also turned down by whatever clinic or doctor he went to at the time (they didn't want to test if he didn't have symptoms), so this seems like a problem that exists.  It sucks that it isn't easier for people to verify whether they have HSV or not. 

If your boyfriend could go to a primary care physician and get the test order, I would hope that would work.  It sounds like he put forth enough effort to try to get tested once, so hopefully you can get him to try again.  Once he has results, he will have evidence that he can't ignore and I hope you can step back a little bit and stop being the 'grown up'.  If he doesn't have it, then you will know where it came from.  And if he does, it will take him a while to accept it, but hopefully he eventually can.  And hopefully he can tell you that he's sorry for giving it to you, even if it was accidentally. 

Please know that you are not alone, there are SO many people who have this.  HSV doesn't change who you are, or take away any of the things that make you special.  It takes a while to work through it, mentally and physically, but it seems you are already being very rational.  Its just a minor skin condition that really doesn't matter at all, in the long run.  I hope your boyfriend gets his results soon and you can start making a plan with all the needed information.  Take care!