awaiting results

[funlovingworrier]

Hi

 

I just wanted to post something on here because all the information about HSV online is rather overwhelming. I have had symptoms of a a genital outbreak for just under a week now. In comparison to some of the first outbreaks I have read about, my symptoms seem very mild and I feel very lucky for this. The mildness has slightly messed with my head though, I keep thinking "if they're this mild, maybe its not herpes?!!?". With the rest of the story, the timings and from what I have learnt from trawling the internet over the past few days however, I am 99% sure my results will be positive for HSV.

 

About two weeks before my symptoms started, I received oral sex (along with protected intercourse) from a guy I had been seeing for a few weeks, a few days after he developed a cold sore on his lip (something he had already told me he gets and has had since he was a child so he didn't get it from me!). At the time I didn't think anything about this, I just thought well no kissing or oral for me for a week or so!!

 

My symptoms started about two weeks after this, and at first it felt like some ingrown hairs (which made complete sense since I'd been shaving more regularly) and then thrush (which also made sense as I get it every few years). I started self treatment with thrush cream that I already had, which eased the thrush symptoms massively (so not sure if I had this as well?) but the "ingrown hairs" around my anus seemed to be worse, but I had awful diarrhoea (sorry if TMI but quite usual for me hungover!!) so I thought "of course thats why they're worse, how can they heal with all that going on down there?!?". Anyway, I went to see a doctor about three days later and told her I think I have thrush, the cream has worked on my vagina but not around my anus, she had a look and immediately asked if I was in a relationship, which scared me senseless. It sort of confirmed to me that this was something sexual. I said yes but I have only EVER had protected sex (didn't mention the oral - but she didn't ask), so she said its probably some skin infection but if its not gone from using the thrush cream in two days come back. I left her office slightly traumatised and then thought all about the guys cold sore, and googled all the timings of transmission and discovered that the virus can be shedding for a few days before the cold sore has properly developed (WHY don't they teach this in schools?!). It became SO apparent that I had HSV. I couldn't wait two more days so I went back to see another doctor the next morning, who happens to be an absolute babe, and she said the ingrown hairs around my anus did look like ulcers and took a swab and told me the results would be ready on Monday. She gave me a prescription for Aciclovir and I started taking them immediately. I left the doctors absolutely devastated and have been crying on and off ever since. Its all I can think about, my mind and safari app is clouded by HSV. 

 

Since my appointment my symptoms (as mild as they were) have gotten much better, so I have felt like it can't be HSV its healing so quickly and its not like what everyone saying online. But then obviously its just the Aciclovir doing its job!?!?!?! (Why must my mind play hopeful tricks???) Online resources seem to say the lesions are more like blisters that burst and scab over. Mine don't seem typical though, mine are more like spots/ulcers, there is nothing capable of bursting and I don't feel like they are going to scab over, I feel like they're just going to fade away. Also my main symptom has been itching, and my doctor said HSV is usually more painful than itchy. The only pain I have really had has been when wiping, and even that only lasted about a day and a half and had stopped before I started the medication.

 

I don't really know what I am trying to say or get from this post, I suppose I just want to get my story and feelings down and see if anyone could relate and tell me their experience? My main feelings are that I KNOW I can deal with the physical side of this infection, if the first outbreak is the worse, and they get milder and less frequent then I will be ABSOLUTELY fine, I've dealt with much worse and this primary outbreak has been so manageable and really nothing like the horror stories you are lead to believe this disease causes. What worries me the most is the emotional, mental and SOCIAL aspects of this infection. All I have ever really wanted out of life is a loving relationship and eventually a family of my own, and thus far I have been extremely unlucky in love and I've always felt like I'm not going to get what I want and with HSV it seems like the nail in the coffin. I have been through many bouts of misery and situational depression regarding my unluckiness in love, and this just feels like another obstacle I could do without. I do have tendencies to be miserable, stressed, anxious and depressed and I am aware all those things can exacerbate this infection. This will be my biggest challenge with managing this infection. I have had counselling for other things in the past and I can't stop thinking that if its a positive result I'm gonna need to go straight back before this manifests as an even bigger problem. 

 

I am also really confused on how to feel about how I caught this, because I can't, don't and won't blame the guy because I truly 100& believe he didn't have the foggyest clue he was "shedding" and could give me an "STI" even though he doesn't have one himself. So I cannot possibly hate him for this. To be honest it feels like a FREAK ACCIDENT and I just think I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I really want to know if this "FREAK ACCIDENT" has happened to many people? And if you view it that way too?

 

It didn't work out with the guy, but that's another kettle of fish, he doesn't know about my outbreak, and I don't particularly want to tell him or even feel obliged to, considering he doesn't have an STI. I can't help but wish I was pregnant, because at least if the life long something that was to come from meeting him would be positive rather than a life altering condition. 

 

I do feel like I've already lost a sense of who I am just because I am the girl who is open with all of her problems and my main way of working through my issues is to discuss with all of my friends and I have had to keep this to myself, so its hard trying to be normal with everyone when my world is crashing down. My mother and sister have been absolute angels and I am SO lucky to have them.  Its not that I won't ever tell my friends, its just way too fresh and I haven't had the official diagnosis yet. My worry isn't my friends knowing, its that situation of when you get introduced to someone and you know a secret about them that you really shouldn't know, but thanks to someones big mouth you do. I don't want people knowing my business when I don't know they know? If that makes sense? 

 

My feelings are all over the place, I've felt so sad I thought I would die from sadness. Not so much suicidal, but how can anyone feel this sad and not die!?!?! Can anyone relate?? Then there are moments of hope which are related to the physical side, like I said previously, the physical side is nothing I can't handle.

 

I know one thing I am certain of, and that is that I NEED to meet people who live through this, whats the best way to go about this?!?!?! The internet makes out every ones got it so I hope its easy to make a herpes friend....

 

I know this may seem like a bit of an erratic ramble but its been a hard and weird few days. Thanks if you've taken the time to read and any words of encouragement, support or info on where to find these friends would be very much appreciated. I'm sure i'll be back on Monday or Tuesday once I've officially found out my fate...