Diagnosed about 8 years ago

[Julie1982]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site. I was diagnosed with HSV 2 almost 8 years ago. I had an outbreak in my genital area and had my husband at that time take me to the emergency room. The doctor said it looked like herpes and had the nurse take samples. I was told I would receive a phone call if the samples tested positive for the virus. I was told if the test came back negative I would not receive a call. I never received a call so I assumed I was in the clear. I also never had a second outbreak. I ended up divorcing my husband because he did a lot of lying and sleeping around with other women behind my back. After I divorced him two years later I moved on with another man. We moved in together and were sexually active. I ended up going back to the ER for a UTI and that is when I was told I tested positive for HSV 2. Apparently the hospital tried to call me and my cellphone went straight to voicemail. They told me it is against their policy to leave a message and that they don’t do second calls. I was horrified. I had to tell my boyfriend. He didn’t seem to care and told me he was glad I was honest with him. We ended up getting married later on. We were together for 5 years and ended up getting a divorce after he abandoned me. He had some sort of mental breakdown and refused to get help. His mother told me she had to have him committed in the past. So now that I am divorced and I realize that I have HSV 2. I am afraid to date again. I fear giving a disclosure because I don’t know if I can trust other people. I am considering not dating due to my fear to disclose the information. I would never want to pass this virus off to another person. 

[Feeling Normal Again]

I'm also new to forums and group, but not exactly new to herpes (a little over three years). I felt the exact same way! I went two years saying I was never going to date again, never going to have sex again. One, I could never imagine telling someone I  was interested in that I have this, Two, I was terrified of spreading it. I felt so damaged and embarrassed.

Fast forward, Had a guy pursuing me, I kept telling him I'm not available, and I'm shut down for business. Finally agreed to date with him fully understanding sex was off the table. On the first date, I told him the truth and told him I'd understand if he walked away. A year later, talking marriage, full active sex life (still as careful as possible), and he has not contracted.

Being honest and open and discussing the risks fully was much less terrifying than I had built up in my head! We shouldn't sell ourselves short of having a full life! 

Edited May 28, 2018 by Feeling Normal Again
Grammar

[ConfusedandHurt]

Disclosed 1 time & felt like pulling the bandaid fast off of a wound. He took it well but sometimes when he doesn’t want to have sex, my mind takes it as rejection b/c of the herpes. (It’s probably due to other things but my mind jumps to herpes 1st). Thought of disclosing to another guy but am scared again b/c afraid of him telling others. But I’ll just have to put my big girl panties on & rip the bandaid off IF I really want a sexual relationship with this guy or any other person, I’ll have to disclose. But we all can do it & find love. 

[Feeling Normal Again]

Yeah, I think I'd replayed so many horrific scenarios in my head, that the reality wasn't near as bad as what I'd expected.

At first I was so paranoid. I told my guy I can do other things but no sex! And I had him wearing medical grade nitrile gloves just to touch me, lol. 

Rejection is rejection, no matter what the reason, it still hurts feelings and is taken personal!!

[Shyandquiet]

I’ve had herpes for about 7 years myself. I’ve always been very sexual. After I found out I had it, i went about a year without sex and that was awful. The first person I told was very understanding. I was crying and had a hard time telling him, but he consoled me and told me it’s ok. I felt so much better. 

But since then, I’ve only been up front with 1 other guy who I think had it anyway (ended up marrying him big mistake). And I’ve slept with about 20 different guys since-not telling any of them. 2 of them, that I know of, contracted it and I think 1 other guy who angrily hinted at it. 

I’ve been dating my newest and hopefully last boyfriend for about 9 months. We’ve been very sexually active, but I just told him last night. I feel horrible. I thought I could hide it and be careful and maybe he wouldn’t get it. It’s been kinda awkward now and idk what the future holds. He hasn’t said much, but he hasn’t left. I can tell he is disappointed as he should be. I am disappointed in myself. I didn’t think he would want to see me if he knew in the beginning. I had many doubts. And I am a little lost.

 

[Goku]

47 minutes ago, Shyandquiet said:

I’ve had herpes for about 7 years myself. I’ve always been very sexual. After I found out I had it, i went about a year without sex and that was awful. The first person I told was very understanding. I was crying and had a hard time telling him, but he consoled me and told me it’s ok. I felt so much better. 

But since then, I’ve only been up front with 1 other guy who I think had it anyway (ended up marrying him big mistake). And I’ve slept with about 20 different guys since-not telling any of them. 2 of them, that I know of, contracted it and I think 1 other guy who angrily hinted at it. 

I’ve been dating my newest and hopefully last boyfriend for about 9 months. We’ve been very sexually active, but I just told him last night. I feel horrible. I thought I could hide it and be careful and maybe he wouldn’t get it. It’s been kinda awkward now and idk what the future holds. He hasn’t said much, but he hasn’t left. I can tell he is disappointed as he should be. I am disappointed in myself. I didn’t think he would want to see me if he knew in the beginning. I had many doubts. And I am a little lost.

 

You could have told him before you both were sexually active.

Human life is so beautiful either our own or other person.

My request is please disclose before having sex,let the other person decide.

[Unrequited]

1 hour ago, Shyandquiet said:

I’ve had herpes for about 7 years myself. I’ve always been very sexual. After I found out I had it, i went about a year without sex and that was awful. The first person I told was very understanding. I was crying and had a hard time telling him, but he consoled me and told me it’s ok. I felt so much better. 

But since then, I’ve only been up front with 1 other guy who I think had it anyway (ended up marrying him big mistake). And I’ve slept with about 20 different guys since-not telling any of them. 2 of them, that I know of, contracted it and I think 1 other guy who angrily hinted at it. 

I’ve been dating my newest and hopefully last boyfriend for about 9 months. We’ve been very sexually active, but I just told him last night. I feel horrible. I thought I could hide it and be careful and maybe he wouldn’t get it. It’s been kinda awkward now and idk what the future holds. He hasn’t said much, but he hasn’t left. I can tell he is disappointed as he should be. I am disappointed in myself. I didn’t think he would want to see me if he knew in the beginning. I had many doubts. And I am a little lost.

 

Whyandquiet. I'm really glad you told the truth, and whilst people may take on a moral high ground. You have now done the brave thing. People make mistakes, and are terrified of being rejected or shamed. So don't disclose, because they want to be loved.  So i understand why you did what you did.

My advice would be, disclose next time, get used to doing, no matter how terrified you are. It will help you build strength and character and your relationships will be better because you will have more integrity and won't be hiding a secret.

HSV is completely livable with. The secret and stigma isn't.

I hope your relationship works out and he understands why you didn't tell him at first and he cares enough to see past it.

All the best.

[Quest]

It is only a mistake if you refuse to correct your behavior. That is a saying I love. Does it work here? You decide.

I am not justifying your behavior, but society has slammed and poked fun at us so much that it was really hard for me to disclose. I didn't think about it, I just did it then I had to read up and do it properly. Why give up entirely? On regular dating sites people are crreeapy. It's hard to find our best match. So it won't be any different finding someone with HSV. I would want a great sweet guy! Like my husband!

With society the way they are it is a wonder anyone actually discloses. I get it and see why it happened. Stop beating self up!

Edited June 20, 2018 by Quest

[Shyandquiet]

So he was relatively fine about hsv2. He was relieved that I didn’t cheat on him. However, we got into a fight yesterday and the last thing he texted me was “go give someone else herpies”. He didn’t even spell it right.

Its interesting to see true colors like that..he also called me a bitch and crazy bitch a couple times before that. Told me to give his ring back..Waiting for things to mellow out. Hoping we just need space and to think about things. I’m not convinced he wants all of me and my baggage. So I’m hurt but at the same time relieved. 

[Florence]

I'm also guilty of not telling my partner before we slept together...

We have been seeing each other a year and I told him a few months ago now.

I was scared so scared of losing him and what we are building. 

But he took it well really well.. and I'm glad to say so far we are getting along with things fine. 

I'm hoping this is the man I'm with for life and I'll never have to have that conversation again...but if not I'll never hide it again .. we all make mistakes and I've learnt from mine.