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AnonF

Mistake made: Gen HSV1 no condom used, what next?

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AnonF

Backstory:  I am female,  have had Genital HSV1 seven months now.  Not oral, only genital. Single.  

I have a new partner, thought it was going to be a one night stand but now we've had 3 encounters. I did not disclose. Facts about him:  He is new to the USA and based on the research I've done his home country has a HSV1 seropositivity rate of 80%+.  From what I read, his country does not have the same level of herpes stigma as the USA. His English ability is very poor. Even if I wanted to disclose, I cannot because there's no way to explain to him.  

The first time I was with him, we used condoms first round, second round he removed it! I was concerned about this, not just because of my Gen HSV1 but not knowing his status. So I went for of STI testing, everything came up good. And he did not contract herpes from me.  We got together a second time, used condom. Then a third encounter, we were drinking and really getting heavy into the moment, we started with a condom but he begged to remove it and I let him! I know this was poor judgement.

What do I do now? Can't tell him because of language barrier. Since he didn't catch it from our condomless encounters, is it safe to assume he's already HSV1 pos based on high seropositivity rate in his home country, and it's ok to continue? Should I just break it off with him?  I don't see him as LTR material anyway, but I would enjoy to continue our arrangement. Need some advice! Please don't judge me harshly :( people make mistakes

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Taintedgirl

You know stories like your aren’t that uncommon around here and that’s the sad part but I have to say your rationalizing why it’s ok for you to give him herpes is a little messed up especially since you don’t want to be with him in a long term capacity. An 80% seropositive rate doesn’t mean he’s not part of the 20 percent. Please be responsible and tell him you’ve had 3 chances to do so already and you chose not to. People are not toys when you’re done with him he’s going to want other relationships and he might be rejected as you know it’s harder for men with this disease to be accepted than it is women. Please I don’t know you I don’t know your level of morality or anything like that but I beg of you be responsible and let this man know someone did this to you don’t become them and do this to someone else. 

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valleynovascotia
38 minutes ago, Taintedgirl said:

You know stories like your aren’t that uncommon around here and that’s the sad part but I have to say your rationalizing why it’s ok for you to give him herpes is a little messed up especially since you don’t want to be with him in a long term capacity. An 80% seropositive rate doesn’t mean he’s not part of the 20 percent. Please be responsible and tell him you’ve had 3 chances to do so already and you chose not to. People are not toys when you’re done with him he’s going to want other relationships and he might be rejected as you know it’s harder for men with this disease to be accepted than it is women. Please I don’t know you I don’t know your level of morality or anything like that but I beg of you be responsible and let this man know someone did this to you don’t become them and do this to someone else. 

i agree im not sexist but it is much harder for guys to be accepted for this. Im glad uv'e realized this Tainted however not every guy gets rejected.

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WilsoInAus

I think it is far enough to disclose you have the cold sore virus. Location is not that relevant in an active sex life.

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Taintedgirl
9 minutes ago, valleynovascotia said:

i agree im not sexist but it is much harder for guys to be accepted for this. Im glad uv'e realized this Tainted however not every guy gets rejected.

Hey valley I had you in mind when I posted that. I know not every guy gets rejected made that clear in the post just trying to get her to do the responsible thing but it gets tiring when you see posts like these of people who consider lying to people they just want to throw away anyway. Karma is very real let’s hope it doesn’t catch up to her 

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valleynovascotia
1 minute ago, Taintedgirl said:

Hey valley I had you in mind when I posted that. I know not every guy gets rejected made that clear in the post just trying to get her to do the responsible thing but it gets tiring when you see posts like these of people who consider lying to people they just want to throw away anyway. Karma is very real let’s hope it doesn’t catch up to her 

Yeah i'd rather be rejected then not disclose and hi Tainted I was accepted once in over 3 years but the girl ended up ghosting me after i lent her $40 lol.

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Taintedgirl
5 minutes ago, valleynovascotia said:

Yeah i'd rather be rejected then not disclose and hi Tainted I was accepted once in over 3 years but the girl ended up ghosting me after i lent her $40 lol.

Really after $40? You dodged a bullet valley 

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valleynovascotia
2 minutes ago, Taintedgirl said:

Really after $40? You dodged a bullet valley 

Yeah not as bad as my trip too Ottawa where i spent a $1000 too meet a girl that said I was too immature lol.

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AnonF
2 hours ago, WilsoInAus said:

I think it is far enough to disclose you have the cold sore virus. Location is not that relevant in an active sex life.

As I said in my post, his English is very poor. I looked it up there isn’t even a translation of “cold sore” in his language. Is just referred to as “herpes” there’s no differentiation.

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WilsoInAus
18 minutes ago, AnonF said:

As I said in my post, his English is very poor. I looked it up there isn’t even a translation of “cold sore” in his language. Is just referred to as “herpes” there’s no differentiation.

I suggest the culture may therefore be pretty comfortable with both oral and genital herpes. I'd mention to him you have herpes type 1, I think it unlikely he'll actually have much of a reaction at all.

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AnonF
30 minutes ago, WilsoInAus said:

I suggest the culture may therefore be pretty comfortable with both oral and genital herpes. I'd mention to him you have herpes type 1, I think it unlikely he'll actually have much of a reaction at all.

From what I read it’s not considered much of an issue in his culture, most people have hsv1, and there is a higher prevelance of hsv2 than in the US. I’m concerned about giving him hsv1 if he is in the minority that doesn’t have it, but I really should be more concerned about his cavalier attitude about not using condoms. We’re not exclusive, but haven’t been with anyone else since we 1st got together. I won’t be seeing him for 2 weeks, a lot could change in that timeframe 

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Scooby2112

If his culture is more accepting of this then sounds like should be easy enough.  

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AnonF
13 minutes ago, Scooby2112 said:

If his culture is more accepting of this then sounds like should be easy enough.   

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AnonF
16 minutes ago, Scooby2112 said:

If his culture is more accepting of this then sounds like should be easy enough.  

 

17 minutes ago, Scooby2112 said:

If his culture is more accepting of this then sounds like should be easy enough.  

Problem is I literally cannot explain it to him. On a scale 1-10 for English language skills he’s like a 2. He would have no clue what I’m talking about. I’d have to say “herpes” & point to my crotch. 

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Quest

Type it into the computer and have it translated even if it is poor grammar? It is a choice only you can make. US government says the masses don't change their behavior either way, that is their excuse for not testing. If you must disclose because of your conscience, let go of him with a letter and your disclosure, but he may have it and want to spring back to ya. It terrifies the crap out of me to disclose, but I feel awesome when I do.  I do have empathy for those who do not. I always got tested before each partner and we did it as a fun date. What should you do? Forgive yourself, because oxytocin, not alcohol take over!!! Oxytocin and vasopressin is natures way of ensuring that the population survives. Do we really have to wonder why teens or even adults get pregnant? Sounds like you are putting yourself through hell. STOP IT!! 

I don't know what my excuse was I don't drink and I was so turned on I just let him put it in, bare. Then when it hit me I was terrified and didn't want that monkey on my back. He didn't get hsv, but I kicked myself for a long time. (he did know I had hsv2 but testosterone took over and he went in for the kill. He is just as responsible as I am for my own health. ((((hugs)))) You also put yourself in jeopardy, it takes two to tango. What did I do after that? I spent money on the thinnest (truly thin 0.01 polyisoprene) because dangit, I want him to feel good. I feel good when he does. :perverted:

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AnonF

From discussing / reading about this more, I suppose the realistic choices are :

1) just break it off, he’s not LTR potential anyway. 

Or

2) see if I can find an hsv1 fact sheet online in his language and have him read it & take it from there. I would want to find a document that highlights the low transmission rate 

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Heatbroken Sydney

AnonF I can understand the whole non disclosure but seriously at least be responsible enough to make him wear a condom!!!

Worst bit of all is...... I wonder if he has AIDS and decided not to disclose to you? If he so freely dosn't wear protection how many girls did he sleep with after you and didn't use protection?  Takes 3 months for Aids, Herpes etc to show up anyway. 

Goodluck!

Edited by Heatbroken Sydney

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G77

Hi

You need to disclose this. I've just recently been diagnosed with genital hsv1 and we wore a condom but it came off partially. I was diagnosed from a swab and also took blood tests and they came back negative. The guy who gave me this swore he had been tested for everything and was clear, then boom 5 days later I have 30+ blisters all over my genitals and going through the most excruciating pain ever! I now have a lifetime of disclosing this info to people and watching my diet etc. This guy is a friend and swore he didn't know and it still feels horrendous to me, so if I was to find out he knew I would be devastated! Be responsible and don't put this on anyone else.  He may have just got lucky on the days you had sex because maybe you wasn't shedding? 

Peace out 

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Scooby2112
5 hours ago, Gilly77 said:

Hi

You need to disclose this. I've just recently been diagnosed with genital hsv1 and we wore a condom but it came off partially. I was diagnosed from a swab and also took blood tests and they came back negative. The guy who gave me this swore he had been tested for everything and was clear, then boom 5 days later I have 30+ blisters all over my genitals and going through the most excruciating pain ever! I now have a lifetime of disclosing this info to people and watching my diet etc. This guy is a friend and swore he didn't know and it still feels horrendous to me, so if I was to find out he knew I would be devastated! Be responsible and don't put this on anyone else.  He may have just got lucky on the days you had sex because maybe you wasn't shedding? 

Peace out 

Did you ever engage in oral sex with him (him on you). The odds of transmitting hsv1 genital to genital is very low (but is possible).  

 

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G77
3 hours ago, Scooby2112 said:

Did you ever engage in oral sex with him (him on you). The odds of transmitting hsv1 genital to genital is very low (but is possible).  

 

No oral sex took place. The docs ( i saw 2) said to me that it is rare to transmit it genital to genital but in this case it most likely  happened.  I know blood tests are not completely accurate but the doc also said that given how bad my outbreak was and the timescale the symptoms started after sex, it's highly likely that it was a new infection. On top of the amount of blisters I had, the flu like symptoms were really bad. My throat felt like it closed up at one point and I couldn't breath for over a minute and then I was throwing up and a very high temperature plus pain running down my leg from the very next day. It was awful! Dreading another outbreak! 

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Scooby2112

Sorry you had such a bad outbreak.  Involving the throat is scary.  Never heard that one before.  

 

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G77
8 hours ago, Scooby2112 said:

Sorry you had such a bad outbreak.  Involving the throat is scary.  Never heard that one before.  

 

Yeah it was scary af! It happened in my sleep and I woke up not being able to breath. Luckily I was on a trip with a female friend and we were sharing a room, it woke her up and she was able to calm me down so I could breath again. 

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Scooby2112

Glad she was there.   

How are your outbreaks now?  Obviously not that bad.  But would you say they are annoying or a nuisance? Or still fairly impactful?

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