Just diagnosed-who gave it to me-what are the chances my boyfriend gets it

[Bca91]

Hey there,

So I was just diagnosed with hsv2 a couple weeks ago with one small sore down there. I panicked because I never saw anything like that down there before. Went to the doctor and confirmed with a swab it's hsv2. My boyfriend is trying to be supportive because we love each other. We want to spend our lives together but he's struggling. He says he loves me just the same and I'm the same girl he fell in love with in the beginning. I'm trying to give him time, and learn more about this so I can better protect him but I feel like he is unintentionally pulling away. He doesn't comfort me and want to touch me. I want to keep him safe and give a wide window of time before and after an outbreak. He has openly admitted to me that he has always been a germaphobe and herpes is the one thing he just is terrified of. He is willing to stay with me but he gets so nervous and worked up he can't allow himself to even discuss it. He has not even been tested yet himself. He's so afraid of what the result will be. I know he loves me but I just need the extra support right now because I feel so ashamed. He tells me he loves me so much, but his actions speak differently. 

Anyone with advice I would love some! I'm still learning about this. Is it safe to be with someone who is negative and will he eventually feel comfortable around me? What are the chances of him getting it if we use condoms and antivirals daily? Can we have a normal love life? 

 

Thanks 

[Isab]

I understand how you feel. My boyfriend had always been cautious of physically being with me before, but now I’m afraid that he’ll never want to take that step. Ive accepted the fact that it’s something I’ll have to live with, but what still scares me is the impact that my herpes will have on people around me- especially sexual partners. I kissed him before I knew that I was carrying the virus (but I know for sure that I had it at the time) I’m scared to tell him that he might have it too because of me! I’m just trying to say that i understand your worry of what impact this will have in your relationship.

[Bca91]

It's definitely stressful. He is being as supportive as he can but he's nervous of his result of which we haven't gotten yet. He says he loves me and isn't going anywhere regardless, I'm just still worried that he won't be as sexually interested if he's negative. But I hope he's negative! It's just an internal struggle. I hope you're boyfriend is understanding. Have you told him you have it yet? He might have it too, has he been tested? 

[Josephine W]

@Bca91 I can somewhat relate to what you’re going through. The first few months after my diagnosis was incredibly difficult. I attempted to communicate that I needed to be able to talk with my boyfriend about it but he was having a hard time. He didn’t like to think about it and said seeing me sad just upset him. It finally got to a point where our communication around the subject was so terrible I thought it was going to mean the end of us. But at that moment we agreed that no matter how tough it is to talk about we need to be able to open up and communicate about it. So since then we try and talk more about and I aim to be very open and direct about when I get another outbreak. I had to learn to break past my barriers and talk about the umcomfortable things and man did it make a difference. I think me starting to be open about when I had an outbreak made him trust me more which eased the communication over time. Now after that hard work (still going) our communication has gotten better than ever and so has our relationship (even though we haven’t been able to have sex in about 3 months) which speaks volumes to me. So don’t worry, it will take time, but the love that you have is strong enough to work through it. It’s just not going to happen overnight. 

[Bca91]

Thank you for responding. The only people who know I have it are my boyfriend and my mom so I don't have anyone to talk to that has it. My boyfriend just found out today that he is negative. He is so relieved and thankful and I'm happy for him! At the same time, I'm so afraid. I feel dirty and ashamed although he tells me I'm not at all. I'm afraid he won't be able to be intimate with me when the time comes because all he will be thinking about is what if he gets it. He told me that he loves me so much and that he wants to be with me forever, he just wants some time to process this. Maybe both go talk to a therapist or doctor to see what the risks are of him getting it in the future. He's trying to get over the fear of getting it and being with me there is a small chance he will. He loves me enough to stay, but we both will have to work through this together. He tells me he sees me the same and I'm beautiful and it's just a silly skin condition. 

It's reassuring to hear that you and your boyfriend have worked things out even thoug you went through a touch period. How long have you been together? Are you taking antivirals daily? Do you know how long is safe after a sore is healed to have sex? My first outbreak I had one sore and thankfully it healed up quickly. I'm praying that I don't have many outbreaks at all but if I do I hope they are small like the first.  

What has your experience been like? Is your boyfriend feeling better and safe with you? It sounds like you two have a pretty strong relationship which is great. 

 

[Josephine W]

@Bca91 There will always be that risk, yes, but you will figure out ways to cope with it. In my opinion, and experience it’s helpful to get all the facts, so if that means talking to a doctor and a therapist then you absolutely should! In the bigger picture it couldn’t hurt anything. He’s right though, it really is just a silly little skin condition made scary by stigma and a stupid name. It does help to put yourself in his shoes too. I spent a lot of time angry or frustrated with him because I thought he wasn’t understanding my side and I realized I never took the time to understand his side. If it were me that didn’t have it I would be equally as scared to end up with it whether or not I was 100% in how I felt about the chances of us lasting for the rest of our lives. Committing to a person is one thing, having a disease commit to you is another. So take some time to talk to one another about the other persons shoes and that will shed a lot of light on the situation. 

My guy and I have been together nearly 10 months and I was diagnosed in January. I used to take antivirals daily but just quit them this Monday. I’ve been struggling with an ongoing outbreak and decided to let my body handle the process naturally and see if that made a difference. My gyno told me that you need to wait until all sores clear up and then wait another week after that. If you aren’t like me and you might be able to go a week and a couple days before another one decides to pop up I would wait a bit longer just to be safe. 

My experience has been interesting, I’ve found especially from this group that every person is different and you just can’t compare. I have very light outbreaks, only one spot at a time and not really any other symptoms. I like to explain them as just papercuts in an unfortunate area. I’m in my second outbreak and it’s been going on for a couple months unfortunately. The bright side of that though is I’m learning to take care of my body and to be more healthy. 

There is no denying this really sucks and that if I could have one wish it would be to make it go away..but to be honest with you I wish for that so I don’t have to think twice about chocolate or junk food or alcohol. You do not need to feel dirty for a skin condition, you are just as good as anyone else and Herpes will never make you less of a person.

I feel like we’ve got a similar situation so please let me know if you have anything else you need to talk about! This group changed my life, it can help you too!

[Bca91]

I feel like we have a similar situation as well, and it's nice to talk to someone else going through this too. I find myself getting so emotional all the time and I'm in my head so much analyzing everyone my boyfriend says that might mean he's unsure. He continually reassures me but he is not sure if and when he will be able to have sex with me. He is a germaphobe and always has been. So for him, it is a huge obstacle to learn how to manage, but he is willing to work on it. Not only that, but he is a heavy equipment oppressor and a few years back his entire pelvis was shattered and injured some of the nerves down there so his sex drive is already lowered significantly from that. Something I have completely excepted about him, but it also adds to the not wanting to have sex part. We will hopefully go see a therapist which I hope helps. He says he's still very much attracted to me and doesn't see the virus, and loves me more than anything but in his head he's so afraid to get it. 

My doctor also said to wait about 4 days after the site has healed. I have been healed for a couple weeks but we agreed to wait 3-4 weeks after this first outbreak to be sure. Maybe tmi but do you get discharge before or after and outbreak? 

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with a prolonged second one. Is the sore lingering for that long or other symptoms? 

Do you avoid certain foods? I did read that chocolate, alcohol, nuts and seeds, and caffeine can have a negative effect. Do you avoid those all together and notice a difference? Have you heard of lysine? I hear the supplements can help. 

I am taking the antivirals everyday and my boyfriend does feel more comfortable with that. I guess condoms and the antivirals can cut his chances to 1%. I think we will make it through this, I think I need to try and relax a little bit and he just needs to overcome his fears a little bit. It sounds like you and your boyfriend got it figured out for the most part! That's great! 

If you ever need help or advice I'm here too. Although I'm still a newbie in this!