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Amethyst

I am new not just to herpes, but to reaching out for support. I was diagnosed with genital herpes September 13, 2017.

I still don't want this to be real. I still want this to be forever gone from my body, my life. The doctor told me that I may have had it in my body for a long time, and the outbreak began to surface. I am 30 years old, and have only had three sexual partners in my life. I gave my virginity at age 21 to the first love of my life, and I'm terrified and horrified at the thought that it's a possibility that I could have had it inside me that long. 

After learning about my diagnosis, I told my last partner, so that he may be tested. The last I spoke to him, he said that his results came clean. I was glad, but simultaneously upset, because I have no way of knowing how the hell I came to this, especially having checked myself after my last two partners ended. The not knowing is what's torturing me. 

I am not comfortable letting anyone know. I told one coworker and one former friend. And of course, my last partner. I have not told any members of my family. I haven't many friends, for they are married and settling down with their families. My coworker I told tried to reassure me that this is not my fault, strongly believes that my last partner is a liar, and infected me. My former friend believes this too. It doesn't take away the shame and disgust I feel inside. 

I have been trying to remain normal as possible. Trying to get through the present day will lead me to the next day. I do my job, I get paid, pay off my bills, and continue other responsibilities. That makes me feel normal, and honestly helps maintain my attitude and humor. But when I begin to feel the symptom come back, and I have to refill my script, it's a horrible reminder that I am not 100% well. 

I tried to talk to other people, because I read that I can still maintain a normal and healthy romantic relationship. There was one that I like. We were never physically intimate, but we've kissed. And I can't get over the fear I feel of hurting him, infecting him, even if it's by kissing. My coworker tells me I can't spread it by kissing, and so did my last visit for a physical. I am afraid of telling him. I've known him maybe 7 months, and I still haven't told him. We got into a disagreement a couple of days ago. I have not heard from him, and I honestly don't want to call him. I feel that it's best I remain alone. I find myself praying he'll move on, not call me, not pursue me. I feel horrible about this, because he's a good man, and we have much in common. But I'd rather be the bad guy than tell the truth about me. It's not the right way to go, but that's what's going through my head. 

I grow more afraid each day now. I don't feel like I have a good grasp on my life, or my understanding of my condition. I've read that I am at greater risk of contracting HIV, but I'm afraid that if genital herpes has been inside of me for so long, is that the same for HIV? The thought of discussing this with any family member, most especially my mom, makes me horrified. I honest to God don't want to say anything to anyone, and don't want to be advised that I should. I just want a better understanding of my disease. Is there something I should be doing that I haven't? Is there anyone out there even working at a cure?! God, why so many advances on phones and other technology, but none for STDs? For cancer? For Alzheimer's, and other ailments. Why must this be treatable? Why can't there be a cure? 

I may sound horrible and selfish, and I believe that I am as well. Since this diagnosis, I have been reflecting on my life, my personality. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bully, or promiscuous individual. I first had sex at 21, my second partner when I was 24 or 25. My last, who I was falling in love with at 29. The one I just had a disagreement with, I honestly thought I could have a committed relationship with, but I can't see myself going to bed with, and he has told me his fantasies involving me a number of times. I just can't. I can't shake the fear off, of telling him, and of being with him. 

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WilsoInAus

You don't say to much about your outbreaks and experience with HSV

How did it come to be that you were diagnosed with herpes last year?

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Amethyst

After having intercourse with my last partner, I began feeling irritated in my area. It began feeling uncomfortable to wash myself, wipe myself after using the toilet. It burned when I peed, painful for me to walk, sit, stand, even lay down. It pained me in my vaginal and buttock area. I felt bumps when I tried cleaning myself, and it burned and the pain was awful. A horrible odor came from me in that area too. I looked up the symptoms prior to seeing a doctor, and the symptoms sounded like a yeast infection, but all articles said to contact my PCP. I told my doctor all, she examined me and told me. I was crying from the beginning, then cried as I was explaining my symptoms, and cried harder after she told me. 

I asked for additional STD testing and I came up negative. I was still in denial, even though the medications were working. I did not care for the cream, the one that you had to apply every three hours. I felt it front and back of me, and I felt like there was not enough cream to take care of it. And it was way too expensive for me to pay. The pill was easier, one pill every 12 hours. I took one by 11am and another at 11pm. I don't remember how to spell or even pronounce the names of the medicines. 

Recently I felt the familiar pain and irritation in my buttock area, and I refilled my prescription. This morning was my last pill, and it has gone away. For now. 

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WilsoInAus

Did you have a swab taken, or have a blood test?

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Amethyst

I don't remember her giving me a swab. She just looked at me. She said she could tell by looking at it. Then referred me to a gynecologist, he didn't swab me either. He looked at me, said the meds were working, it's healed significantly. Been on the pills since. 

Now I'm getting even more nervous. Should I have asked for a second opinion? I have been in denial since she said what it was, until the medicines started working. 

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WilsoInAus

I think the best aim to have is to confirm which type you have. A blood test is the only way to tell now without lesions. 

Knowing type is very helpful in discussions with future partners in terms of risks and whether you both the same type already.

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Amethyst

Ok, I can do that. Thank you. 

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