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Jane79

Need serious relationship advice

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Jane79

This is my first post. I need an honest unbiased perspective on this situation concerning my current partner. I was diagnosed with herpes during a marriage in which I was faithful but he was not. It was about 7 or 8 years in that I found out about the infidelity and got tested for everything. I was + for herpes. The doctor told me there was no way to tell just how long I'd had it. To this day I dont understand why but after the doctor confirmed the diagnosis it seemed like the outbreaks got worse. I eventually went on medication. The cheating husband told me he didnt have that sh#! And treated me as if I somehow got it someother way. He eventually left me. At the age of 32 I got involved with a man several years younger than me. He showed me hiv negative status papers on our first date. I told him that I didnt have Hiv either. We later had unprotected sex several times. I did mention but did not insist on protection. I neglected to tell him about the herpes. As embarrassing as this is to admit; I didnt see a future with him, didnt really know him, and was pretty much rebounding from a 10 year long terrible marriage.  Afew weeks into it as things seemed to be getting more serious I fearfully told him that I have herpes. He was a little concerned but said it didnt matter. He wanted to pursue the relationship. Afew weeks after that he got an outbreak. We went to the doctor. He tested positive for it. He was angry with me. He was furious and to this day he feels betrayed. It's been 7 years now that I have been with him. Seven hard years. He is controlling, and abusive. He claims that he loves me- I feel that he really doesn't because of the abuse. He has honestly hurt me in some of the worst ways imaginable but everytime I try to leave or express how hurt I am he brings up "the herpes". I have apologized to him several times but it seems like no amount of apologizing will do. He says that I never "really" apologized. He says this because I have told him that I shouldn't have had sex with him period. That i regret having gotten involved with him not just because of the herpes but because of the way my life has gone down hill in many ways since he moved in. He wants sex all the time. Nearly every morning and night and it can lasts for hours. And there is no saying no. It has been this way through out the relationship. Before and after the herpes became an issue. He goes down on me even when I tell him not to- even when I tell him that I have an outbreak. He says it doesnt matter. That i shouldnt care about that since we already both have it. Its like at times it doesnt matter but at times he hates me for it. He even told my 12 year old daughter that I gave it to him once when I'd tried to end the relationship. I am sorry that he contracted this from me. Terribly sorry. My question is what am I supposed to do now. I am so confused. I have gone through so much with this person. Should herpes even be a factor in such an abusive situation? I honestly dont know how to handle this situation. He's here now. I have to go. Someone please give me some input. Thank you. 

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WilsoInAus

There’s a lot here that doesn’t seem quite right. There are two strains of herpes and they do not change their type. 

Starting with you, how were you diagnosed, was there proper typing?

Do you know the details of your partner’s tests?

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Jane79

I was tested by my primary care doctor. It took afew days to get the results. He went to a clinic after having the blisters appear.  I am not sure what type of test was done.

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WilsoInAus

Was yours a blood test? Did you get the results?

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IamPositive

Your relationship is not healthy... you’ve made mistake, you tried to apologise.. but doesn’t mean somebody can abuse that privilege. If I were you.. I would leave.. there’s no reason to defending an abusive relationship.. whether there’s any herpes involved or not.. the situation wouldn’t change. And abusive man would stays abusive, period. I don’t see any good in telling 12 YO little girl about this, it’s too much already.. I would say it’s crossed the line. If you as a woman can’t protect yourself from this man, at least as a mother protect your kids from him. I would just being a d*ck and cut off the relationship entirely.. close my ears and close my eyes... don’t care what he would say/do.  your life ain’t easy, why make it more difficult. Just accept that you have herpes and live a positive life.

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Jane79

You are right it is too much. Its been too much for a long time. I wrote that post in desperation.  I shared more details there than anyone else in my life knows. Its been hell.As soon as I can make arrangements;We're out of here. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Thank you

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IamPositive
7 hours ago, Jane79 said:

You are right it is too much. Its been too much for a long time. I wrote that post in desperation.  I shared more details there than anyone else in my life knows. Its been hell.As soon as I can make arrangements;We're out of here. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Thank you

I hope things getting better for you and your daughter. Look.. an adult not supposed to drag a minor into any conversation regarding sexual matters unless for education purposes. Or I would call it sexual harassment. If he didn’t mind for being a jerk to do this kind of thing, he’s using ur weakness to control you. I’m afraid one day he might do something even worst to your daughter, and using this herpes as an excuse. First told a minor that her mother gave him herpes, then what??? If you don’t follow his wish(again) he would gave herpes to your daughter as a threat??? he enjoy the sex, just deal with the price!  You are having herpes.. me too.. but it doesn’t makes us half human so people can step on our head.. You’ve tried your best.. as much as you could.. if it’s not enough.. then Show him the exit door.. for the shake of your(+daughter) future.

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Dopa.lene

Not excusing his behavior but i think its just underlying anger and possible sadness from having contracted it from you without you mentioning it. I think he at one point did want to pursue a relationship but turned sour once you mentioned the truth. If he truely loves and wants to be with you, he needs to work on his attitude.. Otherwise you will have to leave him. That isnt safe his anger could escalate and theres no telling what he would do from there.

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Quest

I think you both should go to therapy. Even if it sours or is saved.

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