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IcantThinkofaName

Big disappointment sex for first time with non HSV person

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IcantThinkofaName
Posted (edited)

So, I  found some one who was willing to have sex with me .( He doesn't have HSV2 or 1. ) I hadn' t had sex for over 7 months.

I am really disappointed. It did not go well. The condoms didn't make it any safer. They kept falling off or slipping down, Its just not safe sex at all. Plus, He couldn't stay erect. He couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel anything... Maybe from the lubrication  I had to use so I wasn't rubbed raw to cause an outbreak. So we had to stop every time. We tried for 4 days. It just wouldn't work.

The last day he thought it was Ok to have anal unprotected and just did it. I didn't stop him.  I thought he knew it wasn't safe but didn't care. ( so that was the only good sex we had)

The next day he said he thought it was safe and I had to tell him it wasn't.

There is no point to have sex anymore if I can't get oral either. I tried a barrier over and it was pointless and I felt nothing.

And the whole 4 days I was obsessing and checking my vagina to make sure I didn't have  any Obs to infect this guy, And everyday , even while taking AVS, i still "felt" sensations or something that is herpes-like, like I do every day.  I had what turned out to be an ingrown hair that I wasn't sure about either .So 2 of the days I had to explain to him I wasn't quite sure and I handed him latex gloves.

Total disaster. Pointless. pointless to risk his health for unfulfilling half-real sex

He was a good sport though. He didn't get so scared. He was willing to try at least. He trusted me to know. But honestly, I don't see how I can be sure and know. I don't know when I am getting an oB- cuz everyday I have some issue that makes me think I am getting one.

every. damn. day.

Fuck this shit. I just want to cry and die. I want my old life back before this disease.

I know the sex would have been awesome this past weekend if not for HSV.

 

 

 

Edited by IcantThinkofaName

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Shyandquiet

So sorry to hear about your dilemma. I think it’s very honest of you to be up front with your potential partners. Not everyone is, including myself. 

I’ve read that if you’re just looking for a fling-a one night stand-then you really don’t need to say anything (I’m sure there is debate on that).

Perhaps try to find someone who also has hsv? I know the struggle. I think we all deal with this our own way. I had a “summer fling” about 2-3 months and never told the guy, and he never said anything (like he caught something). We had unprotected sex often. So I assume he is ok. I’m fb friends with him still.

I know how it is to want to cry and die..I’ve been there and will probably get there again. But for me it’s not just about hsv, it’s other bs in my life..hsv is just kinda the icing on the cake.

I think of your partner is ok with the risk, just relax and don’t worry about passing it on. Enjoy yourself. Hope things work out!

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Scooby2112

@Quest

Has recommendations for really thin condoms that allow you to feel more.  

Also agree with above that with any sex there is risk.  They have to accept that risk and you have to accept that it's their risk.  

I don't agree with her not disclosing to "flings".  Hsv2 needs to be disclosed.  

Also you should feel comfortable that receiving oral sex is very low risk.  Transmitting hsv2 to the oral cavity is extremely rare and if it happens rarely shows symptoms, so the person wouldn't even know they were infected or if it did show symtoms it is likely only one time.  

 

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IcantThinkofaName
5 hours ago, Scooby2112 said:

Also you should feel comfortable that receiving oral sex is very low risk.  Transmitting hsv2 to the oral cavity is extremely rare and if it happens rarely shows symptoms, so the person wouldn't even know they were infected or if it did show symtoms it is likely only one time.  

yeah, but it is still possible to spread it that way.I didn't want to lie to him. I told him it was low risk but stillpossible. The decision was his to make. :(

5 hours ago, Scooby2112 said:

Has recommendations for really thin condoms that allow you to feel more.  

I thinkthey condoms were thin. We tried 2 brands even :(

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IcantThinkofaName

 

7 hours ago, Shyandquiet said:

I think of your partner is ok with the risk, just relax and don’t worry about passing it on. Enjoy yourself. Hope things work out!

i guess it was just a summer fling for him. He said some things after that implied thats all it would be...and that maybe "someone like a boyfriend would be ok with the risk to have unprotected sex with me" or "i should find someone who already has it"

I told him I doubt there will ever be a boyfriend in my life now :(

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Scooby2112
40 minutes ago, IcantThinkofaName said:

yeah, but it is still possible to spread it that way.I didn't want to lie to him. I told him it was low risk but stillpossible. The decision was his to make. :(

I thinkthey condoms were thin. We tried 2 brands even :(

The condoms @Quest talks about are Japanese and they don't make them like that here.  She can comment on that.  I think she finds them on Amazon. 

I agree not to lie to him but just wanted it to be known it's low risk.  For a fling I think it is tough to decide to take that risk and many are not very educated on herpes.  

It can be said that it is safer with a known positive person because they are taking precautions. 80% of ghsv carriers don't know they are infected so wouldn't protect someone at all.  

 

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Quest
Posted (edited)

Well said Scobby! !:yes-i-fully-agree-smiley-emoticon: The reason why men don't like condoms is because they are not thin enough (don't worry the thin ones are held to standards) My partner and I did a lot of playing and studying condoms until we found one that felt great. Don't even bother with a condom that is labeled thin or ultra thin. They are not!!!! Can't wait for the American companies to catch up to Japanese!! 0.01 or 0.02 thin and still strong!) They don't label the thinness for a reason. I also use coconut oil in the trunk area to kill skin shedding so I have to use a polyisoprene condom. I need to make a post that is long overdue on condom charts sizes and thinness. I use Sagami 0.02 because it is ridiculous to pay for 0.01s. American men will need the  large because Japanese are more realistic when it comes to penis sizes. *caveat: if you are over 6" a large won't fit. We really should be petitioning American companies to advance and catch up.

I order condoms from Amazon Canada because Amazon USA is too expensive. It is shipped from Japan. It is unclear why companies won't carry a superior condom.  The sizes are extremely HARD pun intended) to find. condoms have to be very close to bare or men will reject them! Beware of condoms calling themselves bare.

The reason I use coconut oil at the base of the penis is to kill shedding and the lack of friction with water based lube plus coconut oil is amazing. Polyisoprene may be used with oils. (better than nothing)

Condom depot may have quality condoms cheap. They are cheaper than the stores and have a variety packs. Have not looked lately. 

ETA: condom chart size https://www.condom-sizes.org/thinnest-condoms/thinnest-condoms

There are many things that can cause erectile dysfunction. That can be a thing of the past for some with Lou Paget's fellatio/ hand techniques combined. She interviewed many couples to get the very best techniques. drawings on how to do the techniques. 

https://www.amazon.com/How-Great-Lover-Girlfriend-Girlfriend/dp/0767902874

To the others reading, be so good that a man or woman will not resist you. Make good sex your niche! 80% of great sex is enthusiasm. Don't ever give up on good lovin' if you do HSV wins and all the people who judge us win too. 

You are a winner because you tried! We only fail if we sit on the side lines.

Edited by Quest

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IcantThinkofaName
3 hours ago, Quest said:

Make good sex your niche! 80% of great sex is enthusiasm. Don't ever give up on good lovin' if you do HSV wins and all the people who judge us win too. 

I feel like I was enthusiastic and I gave it my all. He came... by other methods on my part, its just, I didn't come... until that last night :(

Its just not the same, and if I can't get certain things (such as oral for one), its just not gonna work out so well for me, as I've found.

Thanks for teh condom info. I guess its another thing to look into and try again, (if I can find someone else now...)

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Quest

You have to have a backup plan when you think you are shedding. What are five things that give you attention and fun,!?! ...even toys! Don't use a dental dam dry. It won't be fun.

 

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IcantThinkofaName
5 hours ago, Quest said:

You have to have a backup plan when you think you are shedding. What are five things that give you attention and fun,!?! ...even toys! Don't use a dental dam dry. It won't be fun.

I brought toys ... I had a back up plan and we tried them because I just wasn't sure. I was being super careful.

it still wasn't that fun, it was just depressing and frustrating in the end

I can masturbate by myself anytime I want to already

I want to feel a real human being not plastic or rubber.

And I don't know if I was shedding. I never know...I ALWAYS have a 'sensation' since getting this disease,so does that mean I am ALWAYS shedding? every day?

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Scooby2112

You are not shedding everyday.  That is clear from various studies.  

However you won't know when your shedding because sometimes you have no sensations whatsoever and still shed.  

I can say the easiest is to find a partner with hsv or that is willing to accept the risks.  Then you can be free to experiment and enjoy sex again. 

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IcantThinkofaName
9 minutes ago, Scooby2112 said:

I can say the easiest is to find a partner with hsv or that is willing to accept the risks.  Then you can be free to experiment and enjoy sex again. 

I don't know anyone that has it except my giver and while I have been seriously considering trying to go back to him (since this sexual encounter recently) But I think it would be a huge mistake after all the terrible things he did to me, and it would impact my self esteem. I would have no self respect. My mother hates him, and my friends are saying "don't."

I guess I just need to come to terms that there is more to life than sex AND just get over it. But I can't help feeling really sad right now and unfulfilled.

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Quest

It doesn't feel good right now, how can it. It will take time. Sex for me is awkward at first until we learn what each loves. I am in a sexless M and he knows I have a boyfriend. I just could not go without sex for the rest of my life. It was awkward at first and it is amazing now. 

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IcantThinkofaName
On 7/9/2018 at 9:54 AM, Scooby2112 said:

Also you should feel comfortable that receiving oral sex is very low risk.  Transmitting hsv2 to the oral cavity is extremely rare and if it happens rarely shows symptoms, so the person wouldn't even know they were infected or if it did show symtoms it is likely only one time.  

Do you have any stat or numbers about that?

The issue is it can still transmit, then, that person can still shed since they caught it HSV2 there, and then easily transmit HSV2 to someone elses's vagina during oral(since that where it likes to be), esp if they don't know they have it.

There is still a risk. And not having any percentages  or real knowledge about it isn't helpful when trying to convince someone to have oral sex with you. He probably would have done it if I said it was OK, but I didn't want to lie.  I said it was a small chance and not likely to transmitt but,,,,There is still a chance.

Theoretically, I should HSV2 all over my mouth. How can I or anyone have full on sex, oral and genital, and get one of the HSV types in one location, but not the other??  It makes no sense. So many people are getting HSV1 genitally when we know damn well they were kissing also.

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Scooby2112
Posted (edited)

You are right there is always a risk.  

Regarding hsv2 orally however the studies say it sheds 1% of the time asymptomaticly.  Which means 3-4 days in a whole year.  Some of those days the shedding could be less than 4 hours and some may also not have enough viral copies to transmit.  To that with no confirmed reports of oral to genital transmission of hsv2 adds up to a relatively low risk environment.  

A couple posts on shedding.  

http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html

https://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf

Note on the second link the transmission is for genital to genital hsv2 only.  And involves a year of sex not 4% chance each time.  4 out of 100 couples after approx 100 sexual events would have passed the infection to their partner (female to male).  

Edited by Scooby2112

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IcantThinkofaName
1 hour ago, Scooby2112 said:

Note on the second link the transmission is for genital to genital hsv2 only.  And involves a year of sex not 4% chance each time.  4 out of 100 couples after approx 100 sexual events would have passed the infection to their partner (female to male).  

Thanks.

Yeah, I've read that second one several times in the past.

But it only takes one time to contract it.

if you are unlucky...It can happen on the first time...no matter the  %/odds/statistics

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Scooby2112

Very true.  That is risk.  Of the 4% that transmitted some could have been the first day and some could have been the last day.  Than you have 96% that didn't catch it at all.  

And that is with only not having sex  during breakouts (no other protections).  

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IcantThinkofaName
Just now, Scooby2112 said:

And that is with only not having sex  during breakouts (no other protections).  

just during active outbreaks,  but not shedding?? 

What if a shedding turns into an active OB?

I just don't underestand how I am supposed to know if I am contagious or not if I feel shit almost all the time

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Scooby2112

I am in the same boat as you.  Constant sensations and not feeling right down there.  

I am only providing the information I have found.  But it's clear we are not shedding all the time.  It's hard.  

They avoided sex during prodrome and outbreaks to the best of their ability to abstain during what would be high risk periods.  But that was up to each of them to decide.  

They generally say avoid sex when you first start feeling prodrome until seven days after an outbreak or the prodrome ends.  

However like you I wouldn't know when I am experiencing prodrome.  I haven't even had a blatant outbreak just constant irritation and redness.  

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Divon

Oral sex is relatively safe to be honest. HSV2 hates the mouth and if you have HSV1, then whatever everyone already has OHSV1. There is also no shame in using a low dose of something to help stay erect with condoms.

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IcantThinkofaName
3 hours ago, Divon said:

Oral sex is relatively safe to be honest. HSV2 hates the mouth and if you have HSV1, then whatever everyone already has OHSV1. There is also no shame in using a low dose of something to help stay erect with condoms.

Relatively = still possible though?

This guy doesn't have HSV1 either. he got tested  for HSV1 and2 before we had sex, just to check and to see what type of sex was possible/safe based on the results,  which was so sweet. And he showed me all his past test results for HIV and Hep etc etc...

I would love to get oral again...but I can't tell him its 100% safe...

In theory I should have HSV2 all over my mouth, and I don't. I gave my giver oral sex during what was most probably a very active infection.

SO  I understand its very unlikely, but there are people on this site that do have it on their mouth. So, what do I tell this guy?? I have to be honest and say its possible...

I also don't have HSV1, and that is why my HSV2 has been so severe (from what I have read).

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IcantThinkofaName
On 7/9/2018 at 5:47 PM, Quest said:

Can't wait for the American companies to catch up to Japanese!! 0.01 or 0.02 thin and still strong!) They don't label the thinness for a reason. I also use coconut oil in the trunk area to kill skin shedding so I have to use a polyisoprene condom. I need to make a post that is long overdue on condom charts sizes and thinness. I use Sagami 0.02 because it is ridiculous to pay for 0.01s. American men will need the  large because Japanese are more realistic when it comes to penis sizes. *caveat: if you are over 6" a large won't fit. We really should be petitioning American companies to advance and catch up.

I order condoms from Amazon Canada because Amazon USA is too expensive. It is shipped from Japan. It is unclear why companies won't carry a superior condom.  The sizes are extremely HARD pun intended) to find. condoms have to be very close to bare or men will reject them! Beware of condoms calling themselves bare.

ugg, about  $40 for only 12!!!

Don't mess up putting these babies on (which always happens with condoms), and I better hope we pick the right size!! 

otherwise thats just throwing money out the window, damn!!

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Divon

Well in terms of getting contagious from the mouth and getting blisters HSV2 oral is not something u have to worry about. The issues are the more rare symptoms such as meningitis. I don´t worry about oral sex at all personally.

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IcantThinkofaName
37 minutes ago, Divon said:

I don´t worry about oral sex at all personally.

And your partners? do they worry? And, So far no one has gotten HSV2- orally- from you? 

Could you share some numbers, if you don't mind, like... how many times you have received oral sex from a non HSV1 &2 person , and they have not contracted it. I just want to get some real life perspective if possible on this oral issue. And i assume that means not during an active OB.

Do you have OBs often- or are you asymptomatic?  Do you have lots of "prodomal symptoms" or other itching/ tingling when you don't have an OB? This would all also make I difference I think in transmission.

Thanks for any input

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normakiut

Regarding oral sex, if you have only GHSV2 can you perform oral sex on someone HSV- ?

I don't know if saliva contains the virus, haven't found info on that. 

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