Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group

To disclose or not to disclose?

Recommended Posts


So I have a question.  I was diagnosed almost 7 years ago.  I am getting ready to enter the dating scene so I had a disclosure conversation with my OBGYN and my general MD.  Their responses were very different and I wanted to share them to get an opinion.  (Note: My infection came from a boyfriend that was infected a few months prior and was not aware so I was infected when he was most contagious in the first year ) 


My OBGYN said with the length of infection my virus is very weak due to my antibodies.  He said being a female and transmitting to a male is low anyway (4% per year) and because I am very healthy, do natural antivirals, work out, eating habits are impeccable, and my outbreaks are few and far between and my last one was gone in less than 5 days from start to finish... He believes me under that 4% per year.  He stated he has researched it, and obviously has patients that have it so he sees things first hand....and he stated at this point disclosure is up to me.  He said in his professional experience the percentage of risk at this point is so low that it does not warrant the stress it may cause to the relationship to disclose.  He said though you will test positive for your entire life, it is very weak after 2 years of infection. There in an ER doctor that is HSV2 negative and dated a nurse that was HSV2 positive and she stressed telling him....when she finally told him he said "Herpes? All this stress over herpes? That is nothing." And went on about their relationship normally.  He said the same thing, she had the infection for over 5 years so the virus was weak.  I am also in my early forties.  He said the chances of me meeting someone that already has it (even if they are unaware) is very high. And if I tell them they may get a false negative (if they have had no BOs to develope antibodies and the virus has been dormant) they may believe I infected them later even though that was not the case.  He said what bothers him the most is the stigma attached to it. He said more people have it than what the statistics say because 80% are silent carriers and most places do not test for it under normal STD testing so they do not even know.   He stated most transmissions happen within the first year of infection when the virus is very active.  He tells patients to do what they feel comfortable doing, but he said disclosure at this point is more stress than it is worth on both partners.  He said he has patients that are HSV2 positive and have not passed it to their negative partners and they do not practice safe sex (only if predome symptoms or soon after an outbreak).  He said he is aware a lot of doctors will disagree based on research, but he stated he bases his professional opinion on being an OBGYN for over 30 years and first hand experience.


My regular MD had a different approach and though he was kind to me, I didn't even want to date after talking to him.  He made it sound like I am more contagious than a room full of people with the flu.  He said I must always use protection and I am always shedding.  According to my OBGYN this is the information that is not based on true life facts and adds to the stigma.  


I am at such a cross roads.  Even the medical community is at odds.  My best friend told me to listen to my OBGYN as his living is based on STDs, vaginas and all that surrounding it.  She said his info is not only based on studies, but what he has seen in true life for over 30 years.  


I will ill be honest, I would want to disclose to a partner....but I agree about the stress thing.  I see stories on here that make me sad....people wearing boxers during sex, taking a butt load of antivirals before hand...talk about taking away the intamacy.  And though I dislike having the virus, there is a man in my life that if I heard he was HSV2 positive (and I wasn't) I would risk it because to me it is nothing more than a minor skin irritation that is not worth walking away from something that could be the greatest thing in my life....it is the STIGMA of it not the actual infection.  And if I had a >4% of getting something that wasn't going to kill me (like HIV, Hepititis) I don't think I would want to know because the stress introduced.  


Comments, opinions, advise are very much welcomed 


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

You have to disclose. No two ways about it.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to disclose. It is not at all fair to take away a person's choice about if they do or do not want to take the risk of exposure. Also if it is found out you kept this information from someone you become involved with, they will view you in the lens of "They lied about this, what else have they lied to me about?" and it will most likely kill your relationship.

While HSV is not truly dangerous to most people's health (and is why many medical professionals don't see it as a big deal) it carries a large stigma due to it being a permanent infection. 


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

The one thing that drives me absolutely insanely crazy is when someone says they are taking away someone’s choice.   


No.   They.   Are.   Not.  


Sex is something you do knowing the risk.   That’s why they say to get tested and then get into a long term committed relationship.   If you have casual sex and do not know the person you are taking away your choice.   I hate this morality bullshit.   That being said I disclose.   I can however see the point of not for a women that is on meds.   Especially if they have GHSV1.   That’s just not gonna transfer sexually 

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

You shouldn’t disclose if oral herpes on the mouth doesn’t disclose. Herpes is herpes and you don’t even hear about lawsuits about herpes on the mouth because it’s considered a norm so bash me if you want you all but I’m not disclosing LOL 

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • Similar Content

    • SillyGirlMel
      By SillyGirlMel
      I've known him for less than a month. I model &he is a young, handsome assistant photographer with whom I was in Mexico with for 5 days. I have been diagnosed with HSV2 for over a year now, but I have only had an outbreak twice within that year& I do take antiviral medication for it. He &I did not know eachother prior to Mexico, but we hit it off& as a single-mother who doesn't get out much I am guilty of making the first move by asking if it was cool to cuddle. I was actually really surprised he said yes, with that being said I do remember thinking to myself,"but I have herpes... okay, we will just cuddle, if he wants more, I will stop it, if I can't stop it I will just give him head." &though that may seem like a naive thought, I am 22 years old& he is the first guy I've ever "hooked-up" with. I've never had sex outside a relationship or several dates, before him. To add, I also do had a friend that I cuddled with, without sex, but I should have noted that I'm not attracted to that friend which is why that probably worked with him. So we did the deed, I didn't stop it, I let it happen because I selfishly wanted it so badly. I even forgot about my herpes for a good couple days after the act. When I looked in my cabinet to get something& saw my prescribed antiviral medication,I realized what I had done. I told him today, it's been 16days since the act.  I was calm& explained to him that because he used a condom&I do take my antiviral medication there is only a 1-2% chance he could have gotten it from me. He didn't seem too upset,& he said he will get back to me after he gets tested &does some research. I promised to pay for the testing &anything else he is troubled with from this incident&at the end of the call he thanked me for telling him. I don't know if I should just back off for now to see how it goes, or if I should be checking-in on him often &sending him links to help him find accurate information on HSV2. I will be working with him again this Wednesday, for a collab photoshoot, but since I'm the one that hired him, I told him I understand if he decides to call it off, he said he won't let this affect his work. Only time can tell, but if there is anything else that you think I can do to ease whatever he may be going through at this time please be gentle with your suggestions. I know what I did was very wrong and I will never do it again, but it doesn't change what happened, I can't take that night back. Honestly, the sex was amazing, one of the best I ever had, and afterward we decided to start-off again as friends and I was okay with that. I felt normal for a moment, and I was extremely happy, but now I remember that I am not normal, and am extremely guilty for putting him at risk without his consent. I don't know if we can continue to be friends, but I do need advice on what I should do next.  He said he will get tested next week and that he will also still do the photoshoot, but he also said he doesn't know how he feels about all this new information because he hasn't done the research on it. I know he will do the research, but with all the stigma I'm afraid his friends will only freak him out if he goes to them for advice, or that he may type the wording wrong in google to get negative results.  I told him the facts, that it's common, that he has nothing to worry, but he should get tested, that it's less likely for women to transmit it to men, and even more unlikely with the medication and protection involved.... but what if he gets tested and it is positive? I asked him if he has hooked-up before, he is 24, and he said yes he has a few times.... so in reality, the thing is that he could have had herpes prior to meeting me, and not even had known it, but I didn't bring that up at all.... I'm not a promiscous person, but my relationship before this hook-up was with a promiscous man, which how I got this... I remember how I felt after finding out, I felt extremely betrayed because I trusted him and even after I knew 100% how I got and asked him about it, he still pretended he was clean.. He is not a good man, but this young man I hooked-up with for one night is a wonderful person, I can tell even if I hadn't known him the year I've known the other. I feel truly awful for what had happened, but I'm worried I may have played it too cool when I called and he may think I have no remorse for what I'd done, but I'm also worried if I text him now with a follow-up apology it will freak him out about the situation... What is my best option now?
    • GoldenPassword
      By GoldenPassword
      There is lots of info on the web about how HSV2 can be transmitted. There's so much, but it isn't all very specific so it's been very hard to determine with my particular case. I was diagnosed 7 years ago. Had it, took meds, was gone in a few days. My doc even told me I wouldn't have to worry about it again. And I haven't, totally in the back of my mind. Then a few months ago, my immune system was compromised due to a kidney infection and I started seeing something downstairs that I didn't recognize. Here it was again!!!! Seven years later!!! I had honestly forgotten about it. I'm here because I wanted to know if anyone has any info/experience with breakouts as infrequent as mine have been (so far, at least). I'm Female, and had to disclose this to a Male partner. He did not take it well. We have never been intimate anywhere near the time of either my outbreaks (last time was Feb, and I didn't know him my initial OB). And we had unprotected sex once last Fall. I disclosed to him this week because we were going to become sexual again and with my OB this April, I wanted him to know. Lots of info says there is a 4% chance of it being spread F to M with barrier and no meds, but I just don't know how much that relates to someone who has had two outbreaks in 7 years. Please help with any advice or links!!!! 
    • Ribbon35
      By Ribbon35
      I am wondering is there some way to legally request from someone who has infected you with paperwork to show whether or not they are actually positive with the virus? The reason why I ask is I was sleeping with someone who told me that he was clean from the beginning. He seemed to emphasize it a little too much it felt. And when we would use condoms he would always want to take it off. After about the 5th time we had sex I was infected. The way I found out was quite traumatizing because the last time we had sex we used a condom however when we were finished we just turned around and went to sleep and the condom I never saw again after he put it on his penis.
      Four days later I was feeling pain from what I thought was a tear in my vagina. So I went to Urgent Care to see what the issue was they saw the tear and said that they wanted to check me internally to make sure there was no infection preventing the tear to heal properly. When they went inside they found a condom. It had been there for 4 days. He never mentioned the condom had not stayed on. So the doctor sends me home and tells me to soak in Epsom salt.
      Two days later and the pain is excruciating in my vagina. Hurts to pee hurts to walk my lymph nodes are swollen I'm feeling like the bottom half of my body has the flu followed by urinary retention UTI. So I started doing research online about how I could possibly feel like this and all the symptoms pointed towards hsv2. So I take myself back to Urgent Care and upon one look down in my vagina area where the tear once was now looks completely different and the doctor immediately diagnosis it as hsv2. She takes a swab and long story short 3 days later it comes up positive. He now tells me he had no idea that he had HSV and that he is sure that someone would have told him had they contracted it from him in the past. He even tried to downplay how often we had sex. He was like we only had sex like twice. That was a complete and utter lie I was appalled. He even went on to say he's been tested and that he has a clean bill of health. He never showed me this clean bill of health and even said he went and tested for HSV after finding out about me but he never showed me the results. I must admit I never really asked. This happened back in March so now moving forward 3 months later I've had abtotal of 4 breakouts and am really down and out about it and feeling misled and wondering if he really knew he had this all along. There's no way for me to tell but I have been considering requesting it from him but the timing just seems like a little too late?
      I don't know what do you guys think is there any way to legally request such documents so that he has to tell me the truth and can't beat around the bush about it? 
    • Whythis2018
      By Whythis2018
      Hi everyone,
      This has been the worst week of my life and I’m glad to have found this online community.  Trying to wrap my head around this and the pain has just been excruciating.
      I’m on Valtrex since Tuesday and slightly feeling better now. I am still waiting for my lab results but the symptoms and my doctor make me think I definitely have Herpes. My doctor also is pretty sure, due to severity of the outbreak and recent sexual history, that I got it from the most recent partner I had (my ex and I were really long term and neither of us ever had any symptoms, I know that’s not a 100% certain but doctor seems pretty sure I would have been exposed a few days before this first outbreak...)
      Also the guy I’m with has told me very openly that he’s been in a ton of casual relationships, whereas my ex, like me, has had just a few long-term relationships- again, I know I can’t be 100% sure but...) this is my first fairly casual sexual relationship (we’ve been seeing each other on and off for less than a month) anyway it’s most likely the new guy and now I have to tell him that he probably had this but not sure how to tell him, I don’t know if he’s going to overreact or maybe accuse me of having given it to him and to be honest despite everything I really like him and hope he won’t just walk a away for ever. He’s not from here, has only been in the US for a few years and based on a few conversations I’ve had with him about sex in general, he doesn’t seem to have had the same sex ed I grew up with here and isn’t super informed.  He also says he doesn’t believe in doctors in the US (“they just want your money”) and while I agree the healthcare system here compared to Europe where I’ve lived pretty much sucks, I feel that he might not believe me because of that. I feel like I won’t ever find anyone again, I’m in my early forties and dating where I live is hard enough but dating with this condition... Thanks for listening and any advice on how to disclose in my situation would be appreciated! 
    • WildernessWoman88
      By WildernessWoman88
      Hey everyone!
      I've seen a various posts across various forums regarding disclosing (or not) and have seen a bit of a trend in people thinking that it's 'hard to pass' with one encounter (lol) condoms make it impossible to pass, blah blah blah. So let's just try to compile some short & sweet answers to some basic H transmissions stories and questions...Could be helpful in many ways to lots of people!
      1. Did your giver: show symptoms / asymptomatic / disclose H to you? 
      2. Protected or unprotected? Oral/vaginal/anal? 
      3. How many encountrs with giver? (time frame of encounters ie. one weekend of several months?) 
      4. How were you diagnosed? (swab or blood test)
      5. Are you a symptomatic carrier (showed signs ie. outbreak) or asymptomatic (never showed signs, diagnosed by blood work) 
      6. How long from sexual exposure did you start to show symptoms? 
      7. How long did your primary outbreak last? How frequent have your recurrences been? (ie. one a month/year?) 
      8. How long have you been H+? 
      9. Are you on antivirals only during outbreak or suppressive therapy? Or have you gone the natural route? 
      10. Words or wisdom/support for newbies? 
      I'll go first... 
      1. No visible signs of H. Asymptomatic carrier not diagnosed with at the time so no disclosure. 
      2. Unprotected vaginal/oral. 
      3. 2x in a weekend (Friday night and Sunday morning) 
      4. Positive swab test during terrify primary outbreak. 
      5. Symptomatic HSV2+
      6. Friday/Sunday sex; initial first symptoms started Tuesday and quickly got aggressive. (in hospital by next Sunday) 
      7. OB lasted a few weeks. Cleared up, then I had a couple minor recurrences due to alcohol in following weeks but MINOR in comparison (just more annoying not excruciatingly painful) still working through this ATM. 
      8. I was infected Mar9/18 - diagnosed with Mar23/18.
      9. Antivirals during primary OB; lots of supplements and vitamins every day now and have changed my diet. 
      10. It does get better. Not back to normal better, but better. Take care of yourself and do whatever it needs for you to heal physically and emotionally. Find a good friend/family member/counsellor to confide in to help lessen the burden you are carrying. Get wine drunk with a friend and cry all night. Go to the top of a mountain and scream at the top of your lungs. Amazon shop till you max out your credit card buying things that make you happy. 
      Hope this can help some peope! 
      Love & light everyone! x
  • Trending Now

  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Posts

    • SillyGirlMel
      I agree, but funny thing is that I didn't check to see what they tested for until after I got HVS2, and then I looked at the testing panel and realized that testing for HVS2 is not required for this industry, it's not something they disclose to you, it's something you have to figure out for yourself.  There isn't an orientation or anything for this field of work and many girls are 18, just out of high school, some still in, when they enter... It's something I'm trying to figure out how to change... Personally as a solo and girl/girl only performer, I see a lot of good in the adult industry if they just tweaked things such as testing for HSV2, or disclosing that they don't beforehand.
    • HerpesDumbAf
      Okay so I want some physical pains, emotional pains, psychological pains, etc to how this has affected you! I’m doing this so I can have some background on not just me but for EVERYONE who experiences chronic pains or mental pains or more when I go meet with the head GYN to talk about and I quote    “You are certainly welcome to schedule an appointment with one of the other GYN providers who are in clinic this month especially if you have questions or concerns about your own health. I believe Fadyia was trying to connect us as you raised concerns about areas affecting all students in which case I’d be happy to meet and discuss when I return. J “    but the only physical pain I’ve experienced was severe nerve pain and blisters but they’ve healed and never returned , and the only mental pain i experience is when knowing you’re the “only one who has it” but I want to hear from YOU guys so I can have some backbone To why this should be talked about more when she returns. I mean everyone says we should give back to the community. So type the problems/concerns below and I’ll check them and when she returns I’ll state them! 
    • HerpesDumbAf
      Well hell if they don’t test then that’s the risk everyone takes   
    • SillyGirlMel
      I recently had to build up courage to disclose, but it was after I already had intimacy with him, I know you won't make the same mistake I did... but I think disclosing AFTER is much harder than BEFORE so let me tell you how I got myself to finally pick-up the phone and tell him... 1. I watched a lot of youtube videos about how it's the right thing to do and HAVE to do. 2.I googled about other people in my situation and how to disclose. 3.I texted him telling him that I have something I needed to tell him, then I called after he said it was good to call, and I just Nike! (Do it/Did it) The common advice I found on every google suggestion and youtube video is to "STAY CALM", he will feed off of your emotion so be calm, and be informative without being too informative/overwhelming him. I only disclosed today, but I do know that the conversation went well for what it was and for being over the phone... What happens next I don't know, I cried after I got off the phone because I felt so awful. And though I think he knew I felt guilty, ashamed and whole bunch of other things, I didn't let it take-over the discussion of what's important which is letting him know that HE will be okay, and that HSV2 is okay, common, and treatable although incurable, also the statistics of the likeliness to spread.  There has been MANY cases where one person DOESN'T spread it to their partner long as they both take precautions. I know I messed up, so I'm not the best person to get advice from, but I hope this helps at least a little bit.  If you need any youtube video references, let me know.
    • Hockeyawesome1
      I’m going to be working outside in Florida and want to know how to stop cold sores in the sun 

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.