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samishii

hi, just another newbie

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samishii

Hi,

I was just diagnosed (?) this week.

(?) is because I live in a country not well renowned for its health care, and although I have visited 2 clinics, I have not had any kind of testing that has involved more than a cursory glance and a nonchalant diagnosis.

I'm going into hospital today as I just can't take the pain in my throat anymore, and hopefully I can have a blood/swab test.

Anyway, not really writing this with the expectations of any kind of response, more for the therapeutic value.

I fully deserve everything I get, I know this. I haven't been a good person. I wouldn't say especially bad either, but reckless and selfish. I was never happy with what I had (which I now realize was an awful lot) and always looking for other ways of making myself happy. 4 days before the symptoms kicked in (very full on fever/sore throat/oral sores) I quit drinking, smoking, and coffee all at once. No biggie really, but had been using alcohol heavily for about 13 years, so even a little over a week without now, is good for me. I thought I might be going through some kind of withdrawal, but quickly realized that this was not not the case.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the kind of sick thing is, I feel almost liberated by the chains of this virus. (apologies now to anyone who finds this offensive)

Now I feel I am gonna be alone forever, never gonna be able to smile as a result of my own selfish happiness, but the only thing i can do to make my life worth living is do what I can to help other people and try and gain some satisfaction from any small thing I can do to aid the happiness of others. For some reason, I kind of feel like I can get on with my life, and leave all the bad things behind me, as if I have been working my way to this moment forever.

It's either that, or hit the bottle, wallow is self-pity, get depressed, suicidal, more sick, etc etc. And going this route seems like it could be as easy as clicking my fingers. I don't know if I will have the strength to stay positive for long.

Thanks to anyone who has bothered to read this far. I guess I'm writing this cos there is not a soul in the world I can talk to this about.

Gotta say one more thing, the strength shown by some of the members here after reading some of the posts is truly inspiring.

Thanks.

Samishii

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secretproblem

samishii - I'm so sorry...

that you are feeling this way. While I really have no words of wisdom to impart. I can tell you that having web sites like this one are extremely helpful not only for getting facts but also for telling your story and not feeling alone.

Please try not to see H as a punishment for what you perceive as being a bad person. I can assure you that even good people contract it. Hopefully, over time you will realize that you don't have to be alone.

Good luck to you!

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tothefuture

Well I'm sorry to be the one who has to break it to you, but I'm afraid there is life after herpes.

If you're a good person(etc etc) then chances are you'll find someone to be with.

I'm all for positivity, but when it's based on skewed reality - well then that's not good.

I'm afraid you ARE full of self-pity - I'm not going to ever have my life back so I'm going to turn into mother teresa and become a bit of a martyr. Good god, people who need to be cared for don’t need this kind of clap-trap.

Be good, act good, feel good, and change the world as you are able - but do it for the right reasons, not because you can't continue being a bit of a git because you happen to have caught a virus.

And do it with a smile on your face.

I wish you luck.

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Claudia

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the kind of sick thing is, I feel almost liberated by the chains of this virus. (apologies now to anyone who finds this offensive)

I often find difficult situations liberating if I am open to the lessons they offer. You wrote "I was never happy with what I had (which I now realize was an awful lot) and always looking for other ways of making myself happy." Discovering that you are going about looking for happiness in a backward way is a very important lesson to learn. I learned that lesson also through great pain.

I suspect that in time you will discover that you aren't going to be alone forever, and you will smile. But...look closely at this lesson life has presented you about what makes life worth living. This is where you will find true freedom to live and love.

I look forward to getting to know you better.

Blessings,

Claudia

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