My letter WILL help. Listen.

[Amelie]

My letter to the magazine editors WILL NOT be one of those "boo hoo i got herpes and i wasn't a dirty slut why me? waaaaa hear my story and feel sorry for me."

Quite the contrary:

It'll be more like, "Girls (and guys, i know guys read magazines too), a lot of you are like me, some not as safe as me, and this horrible thing happened to me. Here is what it is, how you get it, how you AVOID getting it, here is how you deal with it medically, and all these things you're feeling? Myself and many others feel them too. Here's how you tell someone you have it. Here's some info on it, statistics, websites and hotlines and chatrooms and discussion forums <grin>, and you are NOT ALONE. But America, let's be more careful."

I don't want to tell others that if they get herpes they too will feel low and depressed. I'm merely trying to impress upon them that they are not alone, and that there are others out there who feel the same, should these people feel as i and many others do. They say that when you have trouble understanding something, try to explain it to others and it becomes more clear. That's what i'm doing with my preaching and my story-telling; trying to help myself understand what happened and why and how i am to deal with the consequences.

Frankly... after reading your story... you behavior WAS the kind of behavior that 'should' lead to getting an STD. (please know I mean your behavior, not YOU)

If my behavior was high-risk, then America is in BIG trouble with a herpes epidemic.

Unfortunately, sex has become so cliche these days. Most people i know lost their virginity at 15 or 16, and became very active once they hit college. I know so many girls my age that have as much if not more sex than i did, most of them unprotected. I was NOT an anomaly in the sense that i too started my sexual activity at a young age; however, i was a bit nerdy for today's standards in the sense that i always asked about potential partners' recent STD tests, demanded they use a condom or i wouldn't consent, and i kept track of my partners should i need to find them someday. i usually got props for my safety. A coupla times someone didn't want to comply with my rules and stoned or not, i was a stickler. I got herpes while using a condom, and I DID ask the person i was with if they'd been tested and were clean, and he lied to me.

What happened to me was a freak accident and was a result of my gullibility in trusting someone who was deceitful. I want to warn others about it and try to be a catalyst in the trend of slowing down the sexual activity in college and promoting more of my "nerdy" sexual behavior that unfortunately didn't spare me from my fate, but might for another. It's a long shot, but there are some realizations that need to be made.

I guess what i meant by my desire to erase the stigma attached to herpes is to change the meaning of "dirty." I meant the one that has conformed to the modern practices of today, whether it involes rock'n'roll, drugs, or partying or whatever. Most people would not consider me dirty, considering my "nerdy" sexual practices, the fact that i go to a top tier school, and i have healthy relationships with just about everyone i've had sex with. "Dirty" today would be someone who sleeps around with countless people, never asks about medical tests, doesn't use condoms, and doesn't tell someone when they know they've got a disease. But have i become "dirty" now because i've contracted a disease formerly associated with such stereotypes? I don't think that's fair. My drug and sexual habits coalesced only in the sense that i had MORE sex, not UNSAFE sex.

I was no more promiscuous than the next college girl (though there are some exceptions i realize), and my path was derailed as a result of someone else's deceit and not MY stupidity or "dirtiness." Also, unlike many others out there, when i was diagnosed with herpes i vowed no one would be having any sort of sexual contact with me without knowing about the virus i harbor inside of me. That's the hardest thing i'm going to have to deal with, and i believe it's the thing that gets most people down. I didn't cheat on a partner, i wasn't cheated on, and i wasn't stupid in my sexual ways; i was deceived and used even though i tried to stay safe.

Basically i'm not just defending myself here. i'm trying to clarify the underlying motif of my mission: to warn the people who's sexual activities were like mine that freak accidents happen, while at the same time informing them and others of preventitive measures, medical advice for those who think they have herpes and those who need to deal with it, and sympathy for anyone infected. My goal in life, besides trying to be less wild, is to learn from my mistakes and set an example for others. Statistics, stories, and checklists would have been a huge help to me when i first found out i was infected. I had NO IDEA that MILLIONS of people have herpes, most of them don't know it, and that cold sores in your mouth are herpes too. I've done so much research and i have a few doctors on hand willng to answer any questions and be quoted in my letter.

My integrity will keep me telling the truth to potential partners in my future, and i hope the rest of the world follows suit. That's all folks, now i shall step down from my soap box.

Signing off,

Amelie

[MC37 Pilot]

If my behavior was high-risk, then America is in BIG trouble with a herpes epidemic.

It is... I don't think that's any suprise to anyone on this board... We know the stats etc...

Anyway..

look.... I was not passing judgement on you... and you CERTAINLY do not need to convince me or anyone else of your motives, or reasoning or anything...

You want to write a letter to a magazine.... Cool...

You asked for my impression... I gave it to you.

You didn't need to defend yourself Amelie... certainly not to me... I was just responding to your story as you wrote it...

And I don't know where you came up with the dirty characterization... I never would call you dirty... I never thought you were dirty...

What happened to me was a freak accident and was a result of my gullibility in trusting someone who was deceitful.

See, this attitude worries me... because it was NOT a freak accident.... Getting struck by lighting is a 'freak accident'...

YOU got herpes because of YOUR behavior. (again, I'm not judging, I probably had more unprotected sex when I was younger then you did)

But the point I am trying to make is that you made decisions that led to you getting HSV...

and my path was derailed as a result of someone else's deceit and not MY stupidity or "dirtiness."

Again... at some point in your life, you need to take accountability for your actions... You can blame other people... but you had a hand in what happened.

No biggie... we all did... I just think that for personal growth, its important to recognize that you don't grow by placing blame on others... you grow by looking in the mirror and acknowledging how your actions led to where you are.

Again... I'm not judging... I don't think any less of you... and for that matter... who cares what I think...

Anyway... I certainly wasn't trying to talk you out of writing your letter... Just responding to your story as you asked.

I can tell that what I said wasn't what you wanted to hear.... SO I'll just leave it at that...

good luck...

fhl,

nik

[Lasmom]

And I don't know where you came up with the dirty characterization... I never would call you dirty... I never thought you were dirty...

NIK, If any of us who have read your posts know one thing, it's that you would never say or mean that.

[Faith]

Amelie,

When I read your first 2 posts, I got an impression that you were very competitive and unyielding , and that's a good sign. ( I was kind of in the same way... a person who taught me very important thing about life laughs now and says "you were ready to fight." <smile> hehe......)

Probably, this is your way of learning things. You're gonna make a lot of discoveries about life, and about yourself, through writing here, writing to the magazine, discussing about herpes, and even arguing about it with people...

Just remember... having herpes is nothing but a golden opportunity for you to make your life special and meaningful. It's a great chance for you to find who you are.

I know you don't agree with this.... but....... Right now, you are wearing too many clothes and make-ups, and you can't even see how you really look without them. (just a metaphor )

Those clothes and make-ups are called "excuses". You had to wear them to cope with peer pressure, insecurity inside, and life's difficulties.

It takes a lot of courage to take off all of them and look at yourself in the mirror. But once you do it, it will give you a tremendous amount of relief, and it'll make you distinctive!! You'll know, you are much much much more than who you think you are right now.

Keep the strong energy you have now. And, always be open to people who care about you, be willing to take words that people give you, and when you find a truth in them, be willing to accept it whether you like it or not. People's honest opinions are precious treasure! (personally, I find so many glittering diamonds in Nik's words )

I think you are a person who put one's will into practice. Not many people can do that. Go for it, girl! And always learn "something" through all your activities. Always think. Always listen to your honest voice coming from deep inside of you.

That'll make you a very special person, and make you completely different than many of your friends who are still compteting to be "average".

Best wishes..

Faith

[Amelie]

Faith

Faith,

You are wise beyond your years and everhelpful to the growing list of members on this site. Are you a shrink? Or do you just feel the overwhelming and obviously inherent need to help people cope with the same thing you have?

I feel that way, too: I want to help. Unfortunately, i'm a rebellious hard-headed feminist teenager and take any advice that isn't sugar-coated as an attack on my very essence.

MC37 Pilot i do not feel you were attacking me and i apologize for reuttling so fiercly. I did so for a couple of reasons: this is a difficult time for me, i'm excited about this letter i'm going to write, and i am shamed by my former ways. Your advice was heeded and i'll try not to be so hot-headed in the future, should you feel so inclined to respond to another of my posts.

Basically, i'm just commending all of you, Faith, Nik, Richard, Lasmos, MC37 Pilot and a coupla others i've noticed that respond to a lot of other peoples' posts, for your altruistic actions in offering advice and consolement. I admire you and hope you continue to do thusly for all the new people that visit the site.

Although at this point in time i cannot think of HSV as a blessing, perhaps with age and the counseling of others i might be able to do so some day.

Bless you all,

Amelie

[MC37 Pilot]

Although at this point in time i cannot think of HSV as a blessing, perhaps with age and the counseling of others i might be able to do so some day.

Well... I suppose its just symantics, but...

I don't think I will ever consider HSV a blessing... But what I've learned from it sure has been... I'm glad that I had the experience. If I thought I'd be the person who I am, had it not been for HSV... I might wish that I had never gotten it.. But if I could go back and change it, and then instantly come back to where I am now... I'm a little scared that I probably would be no where near the same place... It changed what I looked for in relationships... And I think if not for that, knowing what I use to value in relationships... I would probably be married and divorced by now... or possibly if not for HSV making me a more responsible person I might have gotten a girl pregnant or something... Who knows..

All the bad things that happen to us in life... I personally wouldn't consider them blessings... BUT overcoming them, and the things you learn from overcoming them are the blessings...

Its a funny awareness... Not ever thinking HSV is a good thing, but at the same point knowing how bad things make you a better person... Its an interesting paradigm.

Reminds me of what I went thru with my step dad.... He was a complete ass... Made life hell during the 13 years I lived with him and my mom...

Am I a better person because of that experience.... Absolutely... Did I grow because of him... Yes... Will I ever say thank-you for being an ass to me... No way...

HSV is like that.... IT is a bad thing... But if WE want to, we can bless ourselves with the experience and knowledge about life and love that we gain by overcoming it.

If we choose to...

Unfortunately, i'm a rebellious hard-headed feminist teenager and take any advice that isn't sugar-coated as an attack on my very essence.

That's a really really mature and self-honest thing to admit for a girl who is only 19... I am not trying to sound pretentious or autocratic in saying that, but that's very impressive.

No doubt in my mind you are on your way to intellectual and emotional success!

[Faith]

Re: Faith

Faith,

You are wise beyond your years and everhelpful to the growing list of members on this site. Are you a shrink?

No... more like a patient. hehe..

You are very wise yourself. <smile>

If you stay being honest with yourself like you are now, you can achieve whatever you want to achieve.

And I guarantee,.... getting over this herpes thing is a piece of cake for you. Soon, you'll be just fine.

Keep it up, girl.

Faith