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suspicious

Am I a fool

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suspicious

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and I have known him since we were young kids. He had never had a cold sore before in his life and neither had I. He got a cold sore and I was upset trying to figure out how he got it. He said he must have got it from a guy friend of his, who has cold sores and sometimes they share cigarettes. He was very defensive, even getting mad at me and acusing me saying, what have you been doing, you could have given it to me! I know for a fact that I have never cheated on him, and still have never had cold sores. I want to believe him, but how likely is it really that he could have gotten that way. And his reaction to get defensive and acuse me, makes me worry he's guilty. Is he cheating on me and I'm a fool for believing this lame excuse or is it likely he's telling the truth? I don't really mind the cold sores if he got them the way he's says. I just wish I knew one way or the other if he's been unfaithful. Any advice please!!!! Also since then he's had a couple regular outbreaks, so I don't believe he had this before we got married and then all of a sudden it's just showing up ever so often.

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Caliope

I can't answer for your husband. I don't know what kind of person he is or the status of your relationship.

In my experience, and I'll use my son as an example, if I ask my kid about something and he is either lying or guilty he gets instantly defensive. He's always responded this way and doesn't think I've figured it out.

I don't believe in outright accusing people. It is unusual to suddenly have herpes coldsores for no apparent reason but how can you be sure he didn't contract it before you knew him and you just never saw him with a coldsore. However if this is the case I think him using a guy friend as his excuse is rather odd if he had them as a young child. Herpes infections are caused by skin to skin contact.

So if your husband got this from another person (man or woman) what would you do? Are you prepared for this response? If I was to go there I'd have to have made up my mind in advance of how I would deal with the situation. What if he contracted a genital infection as well? Many people get genital herpes from allowing a person with coldsores to perform oral sex on them.

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suspicious

what to do

My husband is the one who said he never had one before, and I know I haven't seen one on him in 12 years, and now they come up every few months. I have thought about what I would do, I would have to leave him, I can't live a lie with him, if I can't trust him. We have 4 children and it would be the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. There have been other questionable things that make me wonder about him, but he excuses everything away, if it's true I wish he would just admit it. I keep thinking maybe I'm just paranoid, but I can't get rid of this sickening feeling in my gut. I thought this might be the proof to confirm my worries, but he just denied it and got angry, and said he doesn't want to hear any more about it. I wish I knew how to make him tell the truth, I can't leave him if I don't know for sure. I don't want to leave him if he's innocent.

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Caliope

That is a tough situation. I certainly would not want you to make any decisions that you would regret without knowing the truth.

What does your heart tell you? If you are having these concerns you are certainly having some doubts. If you have these doubts now based on what you have experienced you are the only one who knows how they can be relieved.

Ideally having a heart to heart discussion with your husband is the best thing but if you are having concerns about his ability to tell the truth this may not give you the results you seek. You can arm yourself with facts about hsv and present them to him or another method would be to go to counseling and work it out there.

Again herpes is passed by skin to skin contact. Make sure your husband knows that it can be transmitted to either you or the children. It is contagious even when there isn't a sore present.

I think that you may want to go and have yourself tested for hsv to see if you have been exposed. If you do not have symptoms you may want to consider having a Herpeselect blood test completed.

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lilanne19

Quick question, how long has he been getting the coldsores? If's its been under 3 months. He could get tested and if it's a negative results then it would mean that it's a new infection since it usually takes about three months for the body to make enough antibodies for a person to test positive. If it's been longer than 3 months however, you'll never know how long he's had it. It may be a good idea to test anyway so that you'll know what his entire status is. I don't mean to panic or upset you but you clearly think that it's possible he's been unfaithful, if that's the case then you may want to be sure that hsv1 is all he has. Again, not trying to upset or offend you but I'm just being a realist here.

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Shayna

It's very manipulative to get angry and refuse to discuss something of such importance that directly effects you. For a couple to survive they have to be able to communicate. Which includes discussing concerns, and dissapointments.

I'm not saying he's guilty or not guilty, but his inability or refusal to communicate is a big problem, and possibly red flag. In my opinion he owes it to you to discuss this subject.

Good luck to you.

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suspicious

just as I thought

Thanks for your good wishes and replies. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy or wrong, I think he's good at making me feel that way. It's just like what the previous post wrote about it not being right for him to refuse to discuss it, especially considering I was pregnant at the time, I was worried about effects on my baby, I felt like a victim that this was happening to and he made me feel like I did something wrong when I knew I didn't. Thanks again everybody, it feels better knowing some of things I'm feeling are not way off base.

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catiesmom

I'd call that emotional abuse. I suffered through that for 2 years before i finally managed to break free, and it took 3 love letters to his girlfriend to convince me. If he blames you for something that's obviously not your fault, manages to convince you of things you know are not true, and refuses to allow you to discuss things, it's emotional abuse. Being abused that way can lead to all kinds of things - for me, it led to depression, severe anxiety, the inability to nurse my baby. On top of your HSV concerns, it looks like you have a bigger issue. Catie's father was emotionally abusive because he's a pathological liar. Just an idea.

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skydreams

I can't say what you should absolutely believe, since I don't know your husband, but as the other posters said, his behavior is suspicious.

Everyone acts the same way when they're guilty about something and in relationships I noticed they get defensive and reflect the blame the partner accusing them.

I've never been married, but I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that someone who won't validate your concerns (especially when it's something that will affect you too) and tries to duck out and make you feel guilty like that isn't someone worth the time of day.

Get him tested to make sure it really is H, and if it turns out that it is, make sure you educate him on the fact that sharing cigarettes isn't enough and, like Lucille Ball on I Love Lucy, he has some e'splaining to do.

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