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Catgurl

can't get laid

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Catgurl

Hey y'all,

I am a straight woman. I have had the genital herpes strain type 1 for about 7 years.  More recently I am coming in contact with more guys who are 1. uneducated about herpes and don't seem receptive to learning about it from me even tho I know this std inside and out or 2. describe it as high risk and extremely contagious. I know there is always a risk infecting someone even when using protection. But I in the few men I have had intercourse with since the infection I have yet hear of them being infected and routinely test myself and take necessary precautions. I haven't even had an outbreak in nearly 3 years which I thought would provide some peace of mind for partners. I have some questions for all you beautiful herpes positives people out there, particularly in the dating arena and particularly women (but I am also open to hear the guys out as well)...

1. are u experiencing the same issues more recently as well (feels like more germaphobic, misinformed, immature, men are among us)

2. how do u disclose your status is a positive/serious but not too serious and confident way that doesn't kill the sexy vibe but allows room for discussion if need be and doesn't leave u feeling like u have to play dr. know it all or feel completely vulnerable/embaressed. Even tho I don't feel this way at first...I tend to get worked up when I feel like I am talking to a wall man or we continue kissing/distracting ourselves without any acknowledgement or 'that's ok with me'-kind of approval. I am trying to do three dates before I disclose my std and get intimate beyond making out in public. lol.

3. Fav sex position that you have found most pleasurable with a partner who knows about your status and is cool with it.

4. oral sex lovers out there? I don't want to use a dental dam...the idea makes me really depressed tbh. anyother way for someone to go down on me that feels pleasurable and is safe? seems like u just have to find a generous and trusting partner.

4. what are the hard and true statistical chances of infecting a partner giving me unprotected head OR during intercourse using a condom if I dont have any symptoms or outbreak? Just need a refresher on that.

Greatly appreciate your thoughts.

Edited by Catgurl

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WilsoInAus

This is a terribly sad situation to be in. It’s truly awful for you and nothing could be more unfair.

There are literally more than a billion women out there who have oral cold sores, know it, and utterly ignore it, date, have sex, love their men and pleasure them with oral sex.

And good for them, more power to them. Because this is what the virus deserves.

I have the following suggestion for you taking into account your lovely values displayed in what you have written.

- disclose you have the cold sore virus; that most people ignore it, but that you believe in disclosure 

- let them tell you whether they get cold sores or not, if they do, then you say it’s something of a relief to carry the same virus - proceed with all the and positions you want! Always a good idea to suggest mutual STD testing though, especially if you wish to dispense with condoms.

- if they insist they don’t then although things may get tricky, suggest mutual STD testing including herpes, to compare notes

- if he has HSV-1, proceed as above

- if not, then it’s time to explain your HSV-1 is genital and what the risks may be. I would offer condom use and you taking antivirals (if you would be prepared to) at least initially to help.

It is believed that the chance of infection genital to genital is about 1% per year sex. This is without condoms.

I suggest the chance of genital to oral is about the same.

 

Edited by WilsoInAus

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22Newbie

@WilsoInAus thanks for that!! I needed to hear those things too. I was diagnosed with GHSV1 about 3 weeks ago and its been a lot of up and down emotions. Both my parents and both my siblings have HSV1 too...orally. So they don't think its a big deal when I told them.

@Catgurl I haven't had to disclose yet but when I do, I intend on telling them I carry the HSV1 virus. I don't know/think I'll tell them where I've had my first and very very mild OB. I would tell them I have HSV1 so they know that there is a risk. You are more likely to pass it on if you had it orally, so thats what they really should be more cautious of. Like @WilsoInAus said, if they tell you they carry it too (highly likely as 80% of the world does), then perfect! You can't reinfect someone with a virus they already have.

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Catgurl
7 hours ago, WilsoInAus said:

disclose you have the cold sore virus; that most people ignore it, but that you believe in 

@WilsoInAus

I have considered stating it in this way. If they have a shitty reaction to the word 'cold sore' that's their problem. Only thing is, I have never had a an actual mouth cold sore so I feel like maybe saying I have the cold sore virus bc it's type 1 Hsv is not entirely true? or maybe half true and confusing? I mean that's where the ugly stigma comes into play right?...when you mention it being genital that means it's from sex. lol. sex is the devil. women are the devil.***eye roll*** lol. 

Guess I just want to be specific and clear and not have to feel like I need to hide anything. I think maybe I should get retested to make sure it is in fact Type 1 Genital bc the first time I had an outbreak the doctor told me it was type 2 Genital HSV. But the good thing is if I never had a cold sore from what I can remember so I guess it's less transferrable. idk. And 1% is like a few days a year?  I am really grateful I haven't had an outbreak recently. Tryin to not stress about this BS helps haha. Thanks for the constructive feedback.

@22Newbie

Yep, that's a good idea to disclose when you get there. I guess it is all a matter of preference and style and timing. And since you mention your family, I actually over heard this little girl maybe 7 years old in a waiting room talking to her mom about 'y she got cold sores' and it was the sweetest thing ever. Let's just say that mom rules. So yeah it is super common and people shouldn't be shaming yourself/others for something that doesn't define their character/being. 

***Also for those feeling super discouraged, talking to a therapist and practicing meditation, and exercising are some ways that have really helped with my personal and physical healing from my std trauma and I am a hell of an emotional/sensitive person so the informal/positive feed back goes along way. Thanks for that.

 

Edited by Catgurl

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Catgurl

@WilsoInAus No, I had a swab test the first time and the results came back positive for Genital HSV2. But the second time I got blood tested and it came back positive for just HSV type 1. The only site of the OB was genital. So I always disclose that o have the genital strain of HSV type 1.  Since type 1 and type 2 are transferrable this makes sense, right? I believe I contracted it from a partner giving me oral sex(who most likely had type 1).  Do u think it is still necessary to get retested? I never had mouth cold sores so I am not sure the blood test would show anything different...

Edited by Catgurl

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Rain and Ashes

As far as I know they are not "transferrable", those are two different viruses of the same family (HSV1=mostly oral herpes, HSV2=mostly genital herpes, HSV3 = chickenpox in the first outbreak and shingles in the second outbreak, and some more).

You can however have HSV1 genital and HSV2 oral or even both viruses.

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Catgurl

@Rain and AshesI understand they are two different viruses. My doctor advised me I most likely contracted HSV1 Genitally via oral sex so that's what I mean by transferable. I might call my Gyn Dr. to clarify once again, but they seem to tell me the same thing everytime: that if I never had a cold sore OB I can only infect someone via intercourse or if they perform oral sex. Chances a very slim (1% a year) though with protection and if  you don't have any symptoms. 

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Rain and Ashes

Oh, I'm sorry, now I understand. Sorry, English isn't my mother tongue

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WilsoInAus

@Catgurl yes I believe that is enough to confirm genital type 1. The swab in all likelihood was not typed.

I hence do believe it is more than ok to describe what you have as cold sores, although it does depend on the most common description in your culture. Way more people understand cold sores that they do HSV-1. Using such technical terms is actually more misleading to the majority of people 

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22Newbie

@WilsoInAus @Catgurl agreed. People dont understand what "HSV1" is. If you say you have HSV1 but on your genitals, people react irrationally, not knowing its the exact same thing as cold sores which no one really seems to care about/make a big deal over. Thats why I would just say I have HSV1 which is "what causes cold sores". That is the truth. And in fact it being HSV1 on your genitals makes it less transferable/less likely to shed/less likely to have many breakouts (if any at all), etc. sooo really they should be more understanding about it being genitally than orally. 

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Quest

My gynecologist said the swab should be typed and was perplexed when another University said my swab was not typed. So I got my paperwork and my paperwork had red marks on it which usually means you're positive but the red marks were about not being able to grow a specimen in the lab which would make it negative instead of positive. I suggest you get that paperwork and read it yourself! On the phone they told me I was positive for hsv-2 but it wasn't typed. I thought that was unusual so I went to my gynecologist after I could get an appointment. My gynecologist corrected everything and needless to say I will not be going back to that emergency University Center. Basically all they did was parrot what I had said. And just because it's in the genital area does not mean it is hsv-2 and that is so important. Another way you could reveal Your HSV-1 is 2 go get tested for all STDs including HSV 1 and 2 and then look at his paperwork and don't be surprised if you see HSV-1 or 2! Then it makes it so much easier! 

I think it's also important to be better than the other women around you. I was in a sexless marriage for the longest time because my husband masterbates prone. So in that entire time I was trying to learn everything I could about sex and how to be better because I thought it was about me. I informed my husband I was stepping out of the marriage for sex because I could not take it any longer. I am in a relationship where the Dynamics have changed and now his wife wants him back so I am without sex again. His wife said I could perform oral on him and that was it because of my diagnosis. She and her husband have HSV-1 and I have hsv-2. I do not know where their HSV is located. They do not typically test for HSV 1 and 2 so you guys will have to insist on it. They didn't test me and my boyfriend for HSV-1 into the first year so we thought we were clean the second-year I insisted on it and that's when we found out we had HSV and I fought hard to get that testing!

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Quest

Be better than everyone else and study sex and a great place to start is Lou Paget! Her books are great. she went around the country interviewing people for their best techniques! Which quickly became my best techniques!:perverted:when I was trying to get sex from my husband learning all of those techniques paid off when he refused to have sex and sent me out to get sex! For example, sit down in a chair and have a cup of hot tea, drink that tea and hold some in your mouth. Have him stand in front of you and when your mouth is nice and hot put your tongue below his belly button so he knows he won't get burnt take another drink and then suck him. In the summer use a cold drink! I call it Fire and Ice and it is so fun to watch him! Look up the grapefruit technique on YouTube. Look up Lou Paget s Ode to Brian! Learn all of the hand techniques with a great Lube and add the mouth! I asked him if I could practice on him and he let me! And then return they will learn techniques for your pleasure! 

I learned edging on reddit sex

https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/

If this bothers you just ignore it maybe it will help someone

Edited by Quest

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Lukeherpwalker

All herpes are cold sores. All cold sores are herpes... Call it what u will they can both spread to both areas ... 

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      Him holding my hips, grabbing ass, then grabbing his cock is what I worry about. I also worry about shedding anywhere from the boxer shorts area and that's a mighty big area. It is the unknown. It would be nice to cover the entire area and then I just don't have to worry! Then the part that is exposed which  would be a very small spot. Maybe cover with that liquid glove?!? I just like the idea of doing my best
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      I wouldn’t because that would be outing myself as well unfortunately. It just sucks because our mutual friends have no clue why I carry such resentment towards him, and wonder why they can’t even bring up his name around me anymore. Im sure they think I’m a crazy jealous person who is hurt things didn’t work out or that I’m being dramatic for no reason. I can’t explain to or confide in anyone but the users on this forum.
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      Girl! I am actually on the same exact position. My new bf gave it to me and he put the blame on me! When he was my 2nd partner and I hadn’t had sex in 5 years (last guy was a virgin). I know that alone feeling but know you’re not alone. I just got diagnosed 2 weeks ago too. It’s crazy you see yourself differently but I promise no one around you does.
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