Need advice re a new partner

[Guest Anonymous]

Hi, I am really in need of some advice because I'm really sweating over this and this seems like a really supportive group of people.

A while back while getting tested for HIV (negative, thank goodness!) I was also diagnosed as having HSV2 antibodies. I never had any visible outbreaks although I experience some discomfort on occasion. I don't know where or when I was exposed to the virus because I had a history of sexual abuse and perhaps it was from that, I don't konw.

Anyway, I never told anyone about this. It has been a great onus, although I've always used protection from then on, until I learned about asymptomatic shedding, and then have refrained from letting myself get close to anyone to avoid having to let the cannon loose.

Recently I met a man through a friend, and this fellow thinks the world of me (so far). He doesn't know much about my personal history and I don't know how to handle this. So far we've only had a deep session of kissing but I feel it's moving toward greater intimacy. This is the first man I've met in ages that I have wanted to get really close to. I am afraid of screwing this up. We are so compatible on so many levels and it would really hurt to get rejected over disclosing my diagnosis, which I can do nothing about. The last thing in the world I would want to do is infect him and have him resent me for it, but then again I also wish I could offer myself to him without such a burden looming overhead. We met about a month ago, have seen each other about 4 or 5 times total and we're taking this very slowly. I just don't know when to drop this on him, and how. I am so nervous and frightened. I don't know what I should do to. We both live in NYC and I hear the infection rate is much higher but that is little comfort to assume he may have already been exposed without knowing enough about him. He is 41 so I assume he's been around the block at least once or a few times. I know many people don't know they are infected. But this also I realize is little consolation when faced with the prospect of potentially getting infected by a partner and living it with the rest of your life. He is a doctor which means he doesn't get freaked out easily, but being understanding to patients (and doctors are often perfectionists) doesn't always equate to inviting a virus into one's life for the rest of your life.

When do I have this talk? When do I approach him? How do I do it? I would love to hear any advice.

Kim

PS--is it possible to transmit HSV-2 by kissing? Many people have been getting sick recently and he's recently started not to feel well. I am dreading the idea that maybe I've inadvertently infected him through kissing!

[MC37 Pilot]

I am afraid of screwing this up.

If you are honest, you can't screw anything up.

He is 41 so I assume he's been around the block at least once or a few times

The older people get, I think the more they focus on whats important in life, then whats not... So I think you are in good shape with respect to that..

He is a doctor

Oh, that's golden... You've got nothing to worry about. People in the medical profession have herpes in perspective... they see it for what it is... cause they see stuff thats so much worse... and they fundamentally understand what it really is.

Whenever I tell someone who is in the medical field, its ALWAYS an easy tell because they aren't shocked... they know the deal... its way easier..

When do I have this talk? When do I approach him? How do I do it? I would love to hear any advice.

Based on your message, you said you think its 'getting' to 'that' point... So I think now is a good time. You've been together for a month.. Been out several times... So he's had the chance to get to know a lot about you.... Now is a good time. Next time you are alone... sitting together... someplace quiet... tell em... Breaking the ice is the hardest part...

Just say "there's something I want to share with you" and then you've put it 'out' there... so then you kinda commit to telling....

you'll be fine... he's a doctor... You don't have to explain anything.

PS--is it possible to transmit HSV-2 by kissing? Many people have been getting sick recently and he's recently started not to feel well. I am dreading the idea that maybe I've inadvertently infected him through kissing!

lol... I use to get paranoid the same way. When I first got HSV, and started dating/kissing someone... If they started to get sick I was like OH NO... DID I GIVE THEM IT BY KISSING...

The answer is no... If you have hsv2 you can't give that away by kissing...

A cold sore yes... that you could give from kissing... but hsv2... no..

[Lasmom]

I'm with Nik (big surprise)

When it gets hot 'n heavy it's the time. "need to share some things before we progress..." If honesty is a priority, then tell him that. He will at the very least respect you for that.

As for doctors... they do see it all the time - and have it too...... alot better than having to explain what it is...

Go for it - the worst thing he could say is no, then he'll save you time and energy better spent on an accepting partner. But it sounds like he's a keeper in your heart. Good luck!

[Faith]

I'm with Nik (big surprise)

I know... never seen that, before.. LOL

Kim,

Like Pilot said, if you are honest, you can't screw up. You can't fail.... you just can't.

My experience of telling is a bad example. LOL So.. I'm not gonna even suggest you how to do it. Pilot's suggestion of telling is always very practical, and trust that, cuz it's based on his true experiences, and based on what he truly believes.

As long as you are honest and do what you believe is right, things will work out for the best... <smile>

Best wishes..

Faith

[MC37 Pilot]

Thought about this a little more last night...

When I think about ALLLLLL the ways I have told, and all the variables of what to say...

All the variability really revolves around telling a person who DOES NOT know much about HSV.

It really seems to me that with a doctor... you simply CAN'T tell the 'wrong' way because you don't have to explain your condition...

All you have to do is just say 'it'.

One thing I did suggest before was if you just can't make the words come out, write it on a note and hand it to him... You are still telling him in person, but you don't have to fight for the words. Its still personal... and you can say EXACTLY what you feel cause you can write the note at your liesure... edit it... make sure you get everything you want to say in there...

Also... sometimes it helps to know that telling someone such a personal thing is VERY flattering AND impressive to that person.

For this guy... Your honesty will be impress him..... Your courage to tell him will impress him.... And the fact that you must feel optimistic about your and his relationship, so much so that you are willing to tell him will flatter him.

But the honesty is a big one.... "telling" really says to a person that you are unselfish... you have courage.... and that you are willing to take a chance and share 'bad news' because you know the importance and value of being honest.

good luck, and let us know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lovely79]

I agree,

It will make him feel as though you really care for him.

I think a DR would also be more accepting than anyone out there.

They Know that it's not the end of the world.

[Guest Anonymous]

Thanks!

I want to thank everyone here so much for your encouragement and support. I know I will have to tell him and soon. He's not a GP doctor--rather, he's an eye surgeon and so I'm not sure he would actually run into this type of situation on a daily basis.

I am still rather nervous. I just picked up a book on viruses and I'm really stressing out because in this particular book it said that both HSV-1 and HSV-2 could be passed through kissing. I'd never had any cold sore on my mouth, but I just found some startling information that I could (asymptomatically??) shed the virus from the mouth. I don't mean to alarm anyone, but this is what I found in the book "The Secret Life of Germs: Observations and Lessons from a Microbe Hunter" by Philip M. Tierno Jr., Ph.D., © 2001, from pp. 111-112:

"The rates of herpes 1 and herpes 2 simplex are so great that some of your neighbors, friends, or extended family almost certainly have one of these viruses, which can flare up at any time and produce oral and genital sores. According to teh CDC, more than one in five American adolescents and adults are infected. Members of the medical profession sometimes mordantly refer to herpes as "the gift that keeps on giving." The viruses pass from person to person via secretions from the sores. They can remain dormant for an entire lifetime, or some period of stress may trigger them into action. Thus many people who carry one of the viruses never relize that they have it. Although herpes 1 generally affects the upper body and herpes 2 the genitalia, both can be communicated sexually and they often switch places. About twenty to forty percent of new genital infections are caused by HSV-1 and are transmitted by oral sex. The viruses are so closely related that it is usually considered unnecessary to distinguish between them at this time, but herpes 1 recurs less frequently than herpes 2. Planned Parenthood estimates that ninety percent of the American population is exposed to herpes 1 in childhood, but both herpes 1 and 2 can be acquired by any kind of sexual activity, including kissing, if the disease happens to be active in an infected person."

WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE now that I have it??? Do I never kiss again??

I'm feeling really horrid today: weak, dizzy, shaky and shooting pains all over. I've no idea if this is a symptom of HSV or if it really is a flu coming on (I did have a flu shot). I wish there was an easy way to know about these things.

Thanks so much again for everything. You're all so great. I admire your courage in dealing with this. I'm hoping I can muster some up too when the time comes. I am in such nervous knots right now.

Kim

[MC37 Pilot]

I am still rather nervous. I just picked up a book on viruses and I'm really stressing out because in this particular book it said that both HSV-1 and HSV-2 could be passed through kissing.

I think you read that wrong...

You can get HSV1 or 2 in both places... You can get hsv1 orally and genitally, or you can get hsv2 orally or genitally...

But if you do not have hsv1 or 2 orally, only genitally.. you cannot pass it by kissing...

So YES, HSV1 and 2 can be passed thru kissing... BUT ONLY if you have 1 or 2 orally...

since you've never had a cold sore, you probably have neither orally...

I've read that qoute several times and I think its is written in a way that makes it easy to take the wrong way... but analyzing the quotes, its NOT saying that if you have HSV2 or 1 genitally... that you can transmit it by kissing.

It doesn't travel thru the body like that...

It goes from the infection site into the base nerves and back... It does not go from the infeciton site into the base nerves, up the spine, and back out the nerve clusters in your mouth...

I know this for fact.

Do not stress about kissing someone.... (except for knowing that a HUGE percentage of the population has hsv1 orally already)

[Faith]

Hi Kim,

Read many articles of facts about herpes online, too. You'll see what they meant to say clearly as you read more.

So... ok, what you read is the scientific side about herpes. Now, read as many posts as possible here, and many people's real stories online. That's the human side about herpes. You've gotta have both sides of knowledge well balanced to see your situation objectively.

And actually, when it comes to the real life, what we deal with the most is the human side. And that's a great news. Because our humanity doesn't care about any of those scientific reports and statistics about HSV virus. <grin>

Just think about this... if you didn't have herpes, and he had herpes. And... how would you feel, if he summons up all his courage and tells you that he has herpes...? Would herpes keep you from wanting to be with him?

Your answer will explain the humanity. <smile>

Having herpes doesn't diminish the possibilities of your life. It will, only if you let it.

Be confident. Have trust in yourself..

Faith

[Guest Anonymous]

You've all been so great

I just wanted to say thank you to Faith and MCT for your supportive words, and to give an update.

M and I saw each other on Friday night. He was still not feeling well but really wanted to come with me to a friend's recital, and we had a really wonderful time. He enjoyed meeting my friends, and then after a nice dinner we went back to his place where we would listen to some jazz and I thought, perhaps have "the talk."

Well, things didn't work out with "the talk," and I mean the way things transpired that night, it didn't feel like the right time to have it. Instead, we spent the time talking about other things and getting to know each other better til the wee hours of the morning. We also didn't do any kissing because he was feeling pretty lousy and we didn't want to keep giving each other germs (although earlier in the week I raised an eyebrow during a telephone conversation when I found out he was feeling sick (as I was), I expressed my sympathy, and he made an endearing comment that he "would be honored to have (my) cold"!!).

Anyway, we wound up holding each other, cuddling, and being warm physically without engaging sexually. And (surprise!) it was enormously fulfilling for both of us. Although he did ask me if I wanted to sleep over (he offered me some hospital "scrubs" to wear!) I declined because I had a really busy day ahead and needed to make sure I was up and going early. I was really tempted though...

So I do feel that the time is really coming for "the talk." I do feel more confident. I did share my situation with a friend who was very understanding and that helped me feel less anxious about my predicament. She didn't look at me like a leper and that helped a lot. Plus, her boyfriend recently died of a heart attack so she has a more balanced perspective on what issues are really important. Her comment was, "Well, herpes doesn't kill you." True, indeed. She said that herpes may be a stigma, but so is depression. How shortsighted I am that I often forget these things.

I do hope that M will be understanding. My gut feeling is that he really does truly like and respect me, so I am hoping for the best. The one difficulty I find myself in is trying not to get my hopes up too high--he often talks about our doing so many things together in the spring and beyond (race car driving, skeet shooting, playing music, etc.) that it makes me want to look forward to a future that includes him. Because of this potential "dealbreaker" I have yet to address, I have to make a conscious effort to prevent myself from getting too attached. This is SO hard because I discover I just like him more and more each time I see him, and I've never felt this way about any person before. And this makes the telling harder because I wish I could offer myself in perfect condition by erasing my past. But then I realize that if I erased my past I wouldn't be who I am today and perhaps he and I would have never even met. But I do care about him and respect him, and ultimately must respect his choice over his life (with or without me), and ultimately respect myself. Over the long run, I know if I didn't tell him I'd detest myself.

Anyway, thanks again for your encouragement and support. I will be back with an update.

Sincerely,

Kim

[Faith]

Re: You've all been so great

And this makes the telling harder because I wish I could offer myself in perfect condition by erasing my past. But then I realize that if I erased my past I wouldn't be who I am today and perhaps he and I would have never even met.

<smile> You know that....

Everything will work out for the best, as long as you do the right thing for him, and most importantly.. for yourself.

Best wishes......

Faith

[MC37 Pilot]

My gut feeling is that he really does truly like and respect me,

I think so too!

The one difficulty I find myself in is trying not to get my hopes up too high

Ok, so think about this from his perspective... Maybe he can sense you holding back a bit? Maybe he's wondering if you dont feel the same way he does because he can sense a little hesitation/nervousness etc????

In addition to the great relief you'll feel when you tell you won't be holding back and he'll notice a closer connection too...

--he often talks about our doing so many things together in the spring and beyond (race car driving, skeet shooting, playing music, etc.) that it makes me want to look forward to a future that includes him.

Aw see, you're in... He can picture you in his life... no-way does HSV make him run.

I can't wait to hear you told him, and you'll be so happy.

fhl

nik

[Guest Anonymous]

Telling him I have herpes ; bad experience and advices neede

It's my first time on this forum and I can say that I'm glad to hear that other peoples have the same problem has me....I have been diagnosticed with Herpes 2 years ago and having outbreak every 5-6 months.

I meet a new guy recently...Everything was fine and we really get along together. I was totally in love with him. We made love once with protection (condom) but I was not confortable. I was not able to hide to him my problem so I have decided to tell him one night. It was very hard but it went out well. He accepted it. I saw him few days later and everything was ok. After that, I didn't hear from him for a while (3-4 days). When he finally returned my calls, he said that he went to get some informations on the net about Herpes and was really concerned about having it or continuing to sleep with someone who has it. He said he need more time to think about this and prefered not to see me for a while, just talking, and want to go see he's doctor. I have talked to him few time after that but no news since a week. He is not responding when I'm calling.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. Is there anyone who has an idea what can I do. I wanted to send him an email to know what was is decision but don't want to be the "anoying" girl....He's there some stats that I can tell him to encourage him....???

Thank you very much to anyone who will answer on this forum. I really need help....I am affraid that I already lost him but....there must be something i can do....

THANK YOU...!

Molly

[MC37 Pilot]

A couple of things Molly...

First, you must be going nuts, I know EXACTLY how you feel...

I know SO well how hard it is to wonder. I always say that I can take whatever comes, just give it to me straight, don't leave me hanging. I HATE being left to wonder. Its so unfair and selfish for people to leave other people hanging.

OK... this situation...

He is not responding when I'm calling.

Ok, its absolutely unfair to not respond to your calls. If you called, and left him a message or whatever, and he didn't call you back.

That is wrong... Its selfish, its unfair, and it shows a lack or courage, or lack of compassion.

This is NOT about him anymore Molly... Its about you!!!

Its time for YOU molly. Its time for YOU to take care of yourself...

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. Is there anyone who has an idea what can I do.

There is nothing you can do... Again, this is not about him, its about YOU... You let him know that you wanted to talk, he didn't respond. PLEASE know that nothing you can do will be more effective then to do what is good for YOU right now.

If I was you, If you need to, call one last time. Tell him you really would prefer to talk with him, to see where he was at so you can make decisions for yourself. Maybe throw in a little "I really care about you, and I understand its a difficult situation. If something changes for you, know that I would always be happy to talk with you again"

That's IT!!!!

Honestly, this hurts, and it SUCKS, but the ONLY thing for you to do is to move on. Nothing you can do will make a difference. He may think things thru and try to re-connect with you he may not..

BUT IN EITHER CASE, the only thing for you to do is to take care of yourself emotionally.

YOU owe it to yourself to start the emotional healing process of picking up the pieces of your heart, and moving on.

Its not about what he does anymore, its not about if he calls, or doesn't call. The way you are feeling is because of you...

(Just a little inside guy info here) THE most attractive thing to a guy would be if you were strong, and took a hold of your emotions and took care of yourself/moved on. NOT ignore him if he calls... Not be rude, or anything if you see him.... But be strong and recognize that you might not get any help from him in terms of answers to what you are wondering or anything... Leave him behind, its the only option.

It sucks, but there really is nothing you can do. Like you said, maybe drop him one last heartfelt email, let him know you care about him, you are here if he wants to talk, but that you are going to take the situation for what it is (that he doesn't want to be with you) and do what you have to do.

Sucks... I know...

We love you though!!!!!!!!!!!

Wish we could give you a hug, but there's no hug feature on the board.

But we're thinking of you. I now when faith see's your message she'll have some good things to say... From a girl perspective.

I'll leave you with a quote from my favorite book...

"Every relationship no matter how short lived is valuable... Every relationship is the relationship you need at that time. Everything you do in every relationship you have prepares and brings you closer to the grand experience of total, unconditional self-love and love for others." "Your job is to avoid the temptation and the trap of thinking that every relationship has to be the relationship that last forever and ever. Remember that you are ALWAYS being prepared for something better, or protected from somthing worse"

FHL,

nik

[Guest Anonymous]

wondering

I'm supposed to see M this evening before he goes off for the weekend to take his racing class (he loves to live dangerously). He said he wanted to see me before he goes, so I'm excited, and as you know... nervous.

Recently during a phone conversation he mentioned he had dated a gorgeous woman who had a 'promiscuous' past. He also, when I was concerned about his cold and asked him if he got sick a lot, he said yes he often gets colds. When we've been out on dates he always spends at least 10 minutes in the bathroom (which I think is unusual for a guy). He also made an offhand comment that "life is full of risks."

I felt bad on Monday when he called that he was still not feeling well and told him that I wish I could take away some of his germs so he could feel better. He asked, "You'd do that?" And I didn't want him to think I was reckless, or perhaps trying to sound like a martyr, so I said, "Only if it *really* helped you to get well."

I'm just wondering, is it possible this guy might already have HSV-2 and going through a breakout or am I reading too much into it?

Kim

[Faith]

Re: Telling him I have herpes ; bad experience and advices n

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. Is there anyone who has an idea what can I do. I wanted to send him an email to know what was is decision but don't want to be the "anoying" girl....He's there some stats that I can tell him to encourage him....???

Molly,

I totally agree with Nik.

You have no control over what he's gonna do, or decide.

All you can do is to take care of yourself. Do something for your personal growth. Do something that makes you happy. You may think what makes you happy is only something concerning with him. But believe me. It's not.

Like Nik said, now it's not about him. It's never been.

It's about you, Molly.

You are feeling helpless, because you don't live "the here and now". Don't focus on the past. Don't worry about future. Don't put your heart in where he is.

Just focus on YOU, and NOW.

I'm sure, that'll get rid of your helplessness. It did mine. This is something I recently realized. If you can live "the here and now", your life can be richer, and healthier, and... if both you and someone who you love can do this, when you guys get together, the closeness and happiness you guys can feel is just awesome!!

Hang in. Be patient. Have a close conversation with yourself. Be intimate with your heart.

When you're ready, the happiness will come to you. I know it, from my own experience...

Best wishes..

Faith

[Faith]

Re: wondering

I'm just wondering' date=' is it possible this guy might already have HSV-2 and going through a breakout or am I reading too much into it?[/quote']

Kim,

He might. He might not.

Doesn't really matter.... cuz whatever he has, or doesn't have, it doesn't change your feeling for him, right?

All you have to do is to do what you believe is right. The rest will follow.

Don't fear. Cuz really.... I don't see any problem about any part of your story. <smile>

Everything will be fine...

Faith

[MC37 Pilot]

HEY Kim!

I'm just wondering, is it possible this guy might already have HSV-2 and going through a breakout or am I reading too much into it?

Stop trying to figure things out. You'll drive yourself nuts running scenario's thru your head.

I KNOW, cause that's what I use to do, AND what I still CONSTANTLY fight the urge to do.

DON'T read things into other things. TALK TALK TALK.

COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE

don't speculate.... COMMUNICATE!!!!

FHL,

nik

[Guest Anonymous]

Communicate???

Stop trying to figure things out. You'll drive yourself nuts running scenario's thru your head.

Drive myself nuts? I thought I already reached that destination!

DON'T read things into other things. TALK TALK TALK.

COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE

don't speculate.... COMMUNICATE!!!!

I want to get it ("the talk") over and done with already, but he is still sick and thus canceled our get-together this evening. Tomorrow he goes to Georgia for racing lessons, and we're both wondering whether, given how dreadful he's been feeling lately, he will even be able to do it. And no way is this is a conversation he and I can do over the phone. But I don't want the time to drag on so long that all of a sudden, hey it's Valentine's Day and he's hoping for some romantic nookie and (which I would like too but, uh...) I will have to dump this on him at an inopportune moment! Argh...!

Kim

[MC37 Pilot]

Hey Kim...

When things are bothering you, honestly... I call that an emotional urgent situation.

Have you ever heard old old married couples say that the key to a good marriage is to 'never go to bed mad'...

Well what that means is when something is bothering you... ADDRESS IT.

DON'T let things fester.

I know you are looking/hoping/waiting for the 'right time'....

It will never feel 'easy or right'.

If he cancelled your get together this evening, if you are REALLY wanting to have the talk, and you sound like you are...

You could call him and tell him you 'really' would like to get together and talk.

Not in a desperate, "god I have to talk to you" kind of way, but "hey honey, I have something I really want to share with you, and I want to talk about it as soon as possible in person"

Anyway... talk to you soon!

fhl,

nik

[Faith]

Kim,

You are expecting and hoping for a long term relationship with him, right?

There is no need to rush.

You'll soon find the best time for both of you to sit down and talk and listen.

Be patient.

Faith

[Guest Anonymous]

GREAT NEWS

Last night I disclosed my HSV-2 status with M and everything worked out really well! He told me how he understood it was probably one of the hardest things someone has to tell another person and that he truly appreciated how much courage it took for me to tell him. He said that it was a situation that was "workable" and that he was not surprised with my disclosure given the sheer number of cases out there. I told him I felt I had to tell him because I didn't ever want him to get upset with me over something like that, and he agreed it t was the right thing to do and he would have been really upset if I hadn't told him. Though we haven't "consummated" sexually yet, he spent the night and we had a wonderful time holding and kissing each other. He said that he hasn't felt this kind of connection with anyone else in a long time (he did once, 15 years ago), and that what he with me was something very very special. I told him this was my first time feeling this way, and that I agreed with him. I am exuberant... can't believe how nicely things turned out!!!

Thank you everyone for your support. It sure made my life so much easier and I am so relieved I got it out of the way!

[Faith]

Re: GREAT NEWS

I am exuberant... can't believe how nicely things turned out!!!

See? hehe..

Kim...., so glad to hear this...!!

Faith

[lovely79]

Kim,

I'm sooooo happy happy happy for you! I've been following your posts on here. I'm so glad everything went okay.

You deserve it!

Lovely

[tidwell1026]

Kim,

I just recently found out that I contracted HS2 this week and your story gives me much hope. I am terrified about the situation you have described (having to tell a potential partner), but I feel like this is a wake up call I have needed for a long time. I have needed to focus on relationships instead of casual sex and now it looks like I will have to. I hope when my turn comes to tell someone, they will respond as well as yours did. Please keep posting about this evolution of your relationship with this man as I am sure it will help many of us out.