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Runride

I was outed by an x to my martial arts class

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Runride

I could really use some support/ advice on what happened to me.  First of all I contracted the  genital herpes virus several years ago by an x bf who was very unfaithful and untrustworthy.  Since then, I have always told men that I had sex with the situation so they could make the decision to take the risk or not.  I've been out of a long term relationship for 2.5 years. Ive dating one guy from my martial arts class for a total of 3 weeks on a sexual basis since my long term break up.  We have talked as friends for over a year now. He's been going through a lot of tough times with alcohol addiction and mental problems that I was being supportive of and trying to help him over come.  

I of course told him my situation before having sex. He was fine with it and didn't even want to use a condom.  We had sex several times during the 3 weeks we were "kinda together", other than a friend basis. One year after that, we talked of getting together on a sexual basis for a bit because neither of us were dating since we stopped seeing each other.  So I saw him in martial arts class, I approached him about being partners for the class. This is a Jiu jitsu full body contact sport.  He said , No I'm not going to be your partner!,  and then walked away.....Half way across the room.  As to get away from me.  This is after talking and planning to get together for weeks  He has Ptsd, anxiety problems, social anxiety, ect,  so I wrote it off to that at the moment. It was still sooooo insulting that when he text me with an apology after class, I never responded because I was so hurt by his behavior.   I wrote him off and a couple months later I noticed ppl from class responding to me in a different way. No one wanted to be my partner. Everyone that had ever had that casual flirty personality with me stopped being friendly at all. It took me a lot of abnormal behavior and a couple months to realized what had happened. I can never show my face in class again. NO ONE wanted to be my partner anymore.  And this is after being in the class for 2 years and everyone used to be more than happy to me my partner. I'm so devistated.  I live in a small community and now everyone knows. I wanted to just die all day today when I put it all together.  I even picked up a bottle of wine after being dry for years.  

I have never talked to anyone except one girlfriend of mine about having this condition.  She also has it.  But right now I need others opinions on what I should do. I want to move out of state at the moment. I don't want my (adult) kids finding out my condition and being disappointed in me.  I want to be able to live an active life in the community without being judged as harshly as I feel I would be.  Has anyone dealt with a situation like this before? Do I need to move to live an unjudged, normal life? 

 

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WilsoInAus

Hey @Runride and welcome to the website, I hope there is some thoughts to assist in your thinking.

Wow, where do live? Sounds a bit like 'Deliverance' country or something out of a David Lynch movie. I'm very sorry about that. I have three options for your consideration. They are not in order of any particular preference.

1. Ignore it. Go about your life as per normal. You are the actor on your own stage and the other players will do what they do. Do as you wish to do with your life and other people will buy into that, or they're not welcome on your journey. Herpes plays the role it always has for you. You inform partners in advance of sex.

2. Take a stand to be open about your status. Requires a bit more bravery to put yourself out there for little short term reward certainly. "Yes I have herpes like most of us do orally or genitally. What do you feel the issues surrounding this are? What ought to be different in our lives and the way we live them as a result?"

3. Move to a new environment to give yourself a better chance of living life under option 1 or even option 2 above.

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dont quit!17

Man that's fucked up, that this person would do that to you. I'm sorry that he shared your personal information with everyone and I'm sorry that you have felt the stigma that comes with this disease. It just goes to show, that you have to be careful about disclosing to anyone especially those who aren't 100% in the head. Unfortunately this is probably the lowest you may ever feel and you have the opportunity to NOT really give a fuck about the situation at all and continue going about your life. If you have had issues with alcohol in the past, please don't drink your humiliation away. I come from a family of heavy drinkers and that is not the answer. I have also lived in a small community as well as a city and small towns suck because everyone knows your damn business. I'm sorry this asshole disclosed your situation and I hope you have enough in you to deal with this hurdle life has thrown at you. 

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Quest

They are not the yardstick that you measure your worth with! It also tells you something about each and every one of them! To the ones you treated you well before I would personally talk to them and see if that was actually what he said to them? Maybe he said something different?

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Runride

Thanks so much for all your advice. I really appreciate it.  I don't feel so alone talking with people about it.   I wish the public was more informed about the virus. I wasn't before acquiring it, so I understand why my class is afraid to grapple with me I guess. But I'm really sad I have to leave the class. I absolutely loved it and enjoyed the company of those in it.  : ( And what I forgot to mention is that we work for the same company.  So I'm freaked out about that as well.

I'm going to suck it up and go on with life as usual for now.  Find a new hobby. If things get too awkward for me around these people I may be able to transfer to another state with my job.  Im afraid that having this stigma on me, I may be single forever in this town now. No one wants to date "that girl".  Especially when everyone knows my situation.

As for the drinking, I didn't have a BIG alcohol problem, but definitely a problem. But I mostly quit for health reasons and my BP being too high when drinking.  No more wine for me.  I have a headache this morning from it and crying all evening, and it didn't even solve my problem.

To answer some of the questions above. Where I live is in a rural area of Mi.  And I am absolutely positive about what this guy told the group.  There is nothing else he could have said to get the cold reaction I got from sooooo many of the people in my class.  I just wish it didn't take so long for me to figure it out.  I was making these people feel uneasy when they were partnered with me.  I feel lots of shame at the moment because of it.  

 

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Spider man

Definitely the wrong dojo if they behave like that. Hopefully you find one that actually has real values OSS 

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Dutchy

I really feel for your situation. 

My exhusband lately was looking into An old phone of mine and probably read the conversation where my best Friend and i discuss everything. My worse nightmare would be if hé did the same thing that happend to you.

I already thougt about what i would do? Hoping hé would never do that to me..

I think i would Joke about it and lie. Ask the people what is wrong. If someone tells you the truth about what hé did. Act totally surprised..... Omg is this what happens when you turn someone down????? Well shitty for him. Hé was a bad lay afterall....

Those are thoughts that Come to mind when i hear about your situation. Dont know if its the way to go but evil Comes out while reading your story.

Because its messed up this happend to us but when somebody decides to ruin your life. A lie is not that bad.

And trust me. I am truly An honest person. People Read me like a book. When a partner Lies i have difficulty staying .... Honesty counts for everything..... Unless when this happens.....

Hang in there you are not alone

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Runride

Dutchy thanks for your response. I sure hope you're ex doesn't do this to you. No one deserves this. Your right, he completely ruined my life as I knew it. 

 I've had the condition for 5 years and over time things seemed better. I was able to handle situations confidently and now it feels fresh and shameful all over.  

I wish I was a good lier to tell people it isn't true. There are approx 50 people in the class. About 80% men to women. Most I new fairly well being in the class for 2 years.  Asking the men for what all was said would probably get me no where because this guy I dated is an ex fighter and not too stable in the head. People are scared of him. I don't know many of the women because the women seem to come and go in that class regularly.   To try and convince everyone in that large class that he was lying isn't really reasonable.  I've thought about all kinds of vindictive things to do to get him back. For example to tell people he was bad in bed and his dick is so small it can't hold a condom on it, because that is the truth.  But in the end, I'm just not evil enough to pull it off. And I don't feel he's mentally stable enough not to retaliate in a very bad way.  

If things seem to stressful for me within the next year, I'll probably pack up and move out of state if I can get transferred with my job.   Get a fresh start.  That sounds so tempting right now.....

i am very thankful for this site and all of you that welcome all us newbies on here! Thank you! : )

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