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Bhbr2018

I can't let go of hating him

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Bhbr2018

hey all, 

It has been over a month and I think I am getting stronger every day, and working towards acceptance of the disease and how I'm going to move forward in my life with it.

The one thing I cannot get over is the hate I am filled with for my giver. I rehearse over and over in my head things I wish I could say to him, things I wish would happen to him. I pray to God every night he dies in a horrific, slow, painful accident. I'm starting to feel a bit sociopathic, because I would have zero emotions if he did die. And all the more confusing, this person used to be a friend, we went to school together, live in same city, and share similar friend groups. 

I've thought the anger may stem from the injustice of it all. How theres nothing I can do or how he faces zero consequences for it. The anger could also be a cover up for underlying emotions like sadness, humiliation, hurt, embarrassment, and betrayal. But none the less here I am everyday consumed with hate.

I know the typical responses of "letting go will set you free, forgive him for you not for him, drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, etc" But really- whether I forgive him or not, will it take away a life long disease? Does anyone have experience with this, or can give some wise words? Will it get better with time? Is the anger serving some sort of purpose? Do I reach out to him? How can I forgive someone who did something unforgivable? 

Edited by Hairpees

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ill47

Are you sure that he knew he had herpes and didn't tell you? Most people that have it don't know they have it. If he did know, how did you find out. 

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K_Sock

@Hairpees you don't need to even consider forgiving him.. Certainly I still hate the person who gave the virus to me but I don't really think about it anymore as there's just no point. The only advice I can give you is that you'll only live once so just try to live your best life.

 

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G77

The person who gave it to me phoned me 2 nights ago after not speaking for 4 months. He was my best friend. I ignored the call initially but he kept ringing so I answered the phone and said in a calm manner "nothing has changed, I don't want to speak to you" then I put the phone down. For me it's not the fact that he gave it to me because I don't think he knew, it's how he treated me afterwards..almost like I had infected him. Just let your anger subside because it's only affecting you and not him. You have got it and cant change that fact so just get on with your life and forget him. He's not worth it especially if he knew that he had it. If he didn't know then he's not really done anything wrong because anyone could have this and pass it on.

Hope you start to find some peace soon x

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Dutchy

First off all. Stop calling him "my giver" that would mean. Hé is mine that gave It to me.

Hé is nothing of you. Just a person you dont need in your life.

I used to call the father of my children "my ex husband" now hé is the father of my children. Hé is not attached to me anymore. 

Cut him loose.

You are a person with potential..you colour your own world. Nobody else does that for you. I feel like those persons did us wrong. Feels like An attack.

The person that infected me did this on perpose. I would never give him the pleasure of telling him hé succeeded. No way! Just living my life and having faboulous experiences. 

I also would not call it a disease. Although i do Understandstraat where your comming from. We all respond different to this virus. I had very bad months with ob,s. But no i am not sick! I do not have a disease. I Carry a virus and im a strong person that Will keep on going.

I was talking to my New partner yesterday. And how i was devasteted after diagnose. I didn't want to move on at some point. But this also made me a fighter. I had the sadest momenteel last year. But also the best!!! 

I set goals last year. I wanted to achieve those goals in one year. I achieved Them in a half year.

I raise three kids on my one. Started a job a year ago. Teamcoaching employees. Being a fostermom. Starting a new relationship. 

Its all in the mind where things start.

Sorry to remble about my life but i do feel Lucky about te important things. I wish that for you too. We are so much more than this stupidity!!!

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Quest

We are all victims and unwittingly maybe even have passed it on.  Maybe I am a "giver" how long did I have this? Maybe my husband gave me this and found out he had it and then won't shag me? He too was a victim! I have been upset in the past, and it only brings me pain. For something that is so easily spread. I can't blame anyone except my government! They are the ones that told me to get tested and then not include the test! I didn't shag anyone for months then I would ask for a test of top ten STDs! I didn't know my government left out HSV testing without informing. I would come back clear and so would they! I was even told don't test, you are not high risk!

I would not expect to to have been bitten by a snake and be healed right away. We can't be unbitten, but we choose how long to carry the venom.-Dr. Wayne Dyer

we shame anything related to sex, something that's very beautiful not dirty.

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Bhbr2018

Thank you everyone I truly appreciate your different perspectives on the matter and advice. If I’m being honest I don’t think I’ll ever truly forgive him, not for the herpes but for when I saw his true colors come out when shit went down. Any advice regarding how to react when I see him next? We have a friends birthday party this weekend and I’m terrified. A part of me doesn’t even want to see him or even look at his face. Another part of me wants to cause a huge scene and throw shit at him. :) it will be the first time in a month that I will have seen him after my diagnosis.

Absolutely the hate is affecting me more than him which makes me feel very defeated. and Im going to do my best to live again. 

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Quest

Don't shame him in front of everyone. Please. I don't think you're ready to see him

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Bhbr2018

I wouldn’t because that would be outing myself as well unfortunately. It just sucks because our mutual friends have no clue why I carry such resentment towards him, and wonder why they can’t even bring up his name around me anymore. Im sure they think I’m a crazy jealous person who is hurt things didn’t work out or that I’m being dramatic for no reason. I can’t explain to or confide in anyone but the users on this forum.

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Terrell
On 9/25/2018 at 6:38 AM, Hairpees said:

hey all, 

It has been over a month and I think I am getting stronger every day, and working towards acceptance of the disease and how I'm going to move forward in my life with it.

The one thing I cannot get over is the hate I am filled with for my giver. I rehearse over and over in my head things I wish I could say to him, things I wish would happen to him. I pray to God every night he dies in a horrific, slow, painful accident. I'm starting to feel a bit sociopathic, because I would have zero emotions if he did die. And all the more confusing, this person used to be a friend, we went to school together, live in same city, and share similar friend groups. 

I've thought the anger may stem from the injustice of it all. How theres nothing I can do or how he faces zero consequences for it. The anger could also be a cover up for underlying emotions like sadness, humiliation, hurt, embarrassment, and betrayal. But none the less here I am everyday consumed with hate.

I know the typical responses of "letting go will set you free, forgive him for you not for him, drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, etc" But really- whether I forgive him or not, will it take away a life long disease? Does anyone have experience with this, or can give some wise words? Will it get better with time? Is the anger serving some sort of purpose? Do I reach out to him? How can I forgive someone who did something unforgivable? 

You will not heal until to stop playing the victim. In my opinion if he didn’t rape you then it takes two engage in sexual activity please don’t take this out of context I’m only here to advocate.

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Bhbr2018

 

14 hours ago, Terrell said:

You will not heal until to stop playing the victim. In my opinion if he didn’t rape you then it takes two engage in sexual activity please don’t take this out of context I’m only here to advocate.

What exactly are you advocating ?Getting herpes was not consensual, so yes I am the victim as many people in this forum are. I did not give myself herpes. I went into sexual activity having a clean bill of health included testing negative for HSV1 and hsv2. I may be an idiot for trusting him but does that justify getting an incurable disease when it could have been prevented by him?

Do you think these lawsuits for hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars for infecting someone with herpes happen in a vaccum? And yes I’d rather be raped than to have herpes. At least I could heal from that and not carry a contagious sti around for the rest of my life. But thanks for your input ?

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Terrell
5 hours ago, Hairpees said:

 

What exactly are you advocating ?Getting herpes was not consensual, so yes I am the victim as many people in this forum are. I did not give myself herpes. I went into sexual activity having a clean bill of health included testing negative for HSV1 and hsv2. I may be an idiot for trusting him but does that justify getting an incurable disease when it could have been prevented by him?

Do you think these lawsuits for hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars for infecting someone with herpes happen in a vaccum? And yes I’d rather be raped than to have herpes. At least I could heal from that and not carry a contagious sti around for the rest of my life. But thanks for your input ?

As long as I held on to who infected me I was stressed and depressed which weakens our immune system allowing the virus to infect more cells until the killer cells acknowledge it. My point is I was a victim but I ended that by excepting and moving on

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Bhbr2018
1 hour ago, Terrell said:

As long as I held on to who infected me I was stressed and depressed which weakens our immune system allowing the virus to infect more cells until the killer cells acknowledge it. My point is I was a victim but I ended that by excepting and moving on

Believe me I don’t want to. It’s just the way I am handling and grieving. I wish I could be okay with having herpes I am  just no where near that.

Edited by Hairpees

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Dutchy

You Both have a strong believe and i agree with you Both. I really thought about a lawsuit. Still sometimes. But i went along with unsafe sex. Part of it i blame myself. 

I feel sad sad too. That it never goes away. Scared of infecting others.

Still life does goes on. I takes a lot of time to heal from the mental wound. 

But i Will not give up on my good life. So many thing went wrong in my life.. but more things are a blessing. If i let this be a to big issue than i need to quit things. And i will not. 

Please set Yourself some goals to be proud of yourself. Like saving for a new car. Study. Anything that matters to make you feel proud of yourself. It helps.

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G77

I got over having the virus by using humour. I would be driving in the car with my best friend and a song would come on the radio and I would basically take the piss out of myself.  Sigala " I know you're're tired of loving of loving with nobody to love, so just just grab somebody no leaving this party with nobody to love" I would say..did that...got herpes! My friend would laugh with me as she knew I needed a coping mechanism and that was it. There's no getting over this virus right now, so facing it, living as best as you can with it and getting on with your life is the only way forward. I get pissed off when a guy chats me up and I just shut him down straight away because I'm not ready to disclose but that's the only thing that holds me back and one day I will deal with that, but right now I'm still pretty new to the virus so there's no rush as long as I'm happy in my day to day life. X

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