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Bono Vox

What can I and can't I do?

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Bono Vox

I've been seeing a girl now who is a carrier of HSV-2 and HPV but hasn't had an outbreak in 7 years. She contracted it through oral sex and was scared to tell me. She told me a month into our relationship and it didn't change the way I feel about her. I love her and want to marry her! Up until this point all we have done is kiss and because of our faith we are waiting until marriage to have intercourse. Things are progressing well, but what I want to know is what exactly is safe and unsafe actions we can perform intimately?

I don't want to sound perverted or crude but are things like oral sex (her or me) or even stimulating her "down there" a potential risk for me? Or could they cause her to have another outbreak after 7 years? What if I have a sore on my finger? There's a huge stigma about this and I am just so ignorant. I know a great infectious disease doc that we could both talk to, but she is the one for me, I love her, but I want to figure out how to balance safety with pleasuring her. What doctor is the best type to sit down with and talk?

I'm surprised her GYN hasn't done more education with her, nor even a blood work up, but she is not comfortable. Is it possible she could be clear after 7 years? Can someone lead me to a thread or explain what the risks are for various things outside of intercourse for both of us?

Thank you. :)

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I'm confused about how your fiance knows for sure what she has without having had a blood test done. If that's the case, then she really should have one to confirm she actually has herpes. For now, though, we'll assume she does and go from there.

First, even though she's been ob free for 7 years, the virus doesn't just 'go away'. If she had it 7 years ago, she still has it, even though she may not exhibit symptoms. It's something you get for life.

Using condoms will help protect you, although they don't cover a large enough area to guarantee protection. Abstaining from relations when any symptoms are present will lower the risk without protection to about 4%. If you have a cut or scratch on your hand, best to keep your hands to yourself, if you know what I mean. An open wound will only provide an easy pathway into your system. The risk during oral sex is the same as intercourse... 4%, in the absence of symptoms. Since she hasn't had any symptoms for so long, the chances may be slightly less. I can't say for sure, though.

The best advice I can give you is, I think, if you love this woman, go with it. Don't let your fears stand in the way of a relaxed and rewarding sexual relationship. If you both use some common sense, there's no reason you can't enjoy the physical aspects of marriage to the fullest.

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Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

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    • honkschonks
      @Anon222 I told the women I have slept with most recently. She’s been a regular partner who has had zero symptoms. She’s going to get tested. She’s the most level headed person I know and a good friend. One doctor told me for legal reasons to tell everyone in the past year that I have it. Another doctor said that’s unrealistic and pointless. I have no idea when it started as I had no major undoubtable outbreak, so going back a year may be too far, it may not be far enough. I’m not sure what to do. It has irritated me how casual doctors are about this. It won’t kill you but The emotional effect of knowing you have it or thinking you may have it seems to be more damaging than having it. People on here talking about suicide. I guess that’s why they don’t test for it, or it just got out of hand and there’s no going back. Strangely I haven’t been that stressed about it. Luckily I’ve been very busy working so I haven’t had time worry about it. Thanks @NY12345 for your thoughts.
    • Runride
      I've heard of STD dating sites but have never looked into one. Are they real? And does anyone have any experience with them?  If someone does I would really like to hear some details.  They sound kind of scary, but it seems it could also be a relief to know I would be less likely to be judged for this condition.
    • IcantThinkofaName
      I've also considered this option..and its still looking like a good idea. so... Did you try any other Av's like famvir or privetir? I think there are some others too...  Up the vitamin C, check your vit D levels via bloodwork... Are you stressed out or have a stressful lifestyle ( aside from having HSV, which alone is a stressor)? There are no other health issues going on ? How hard are your workouts? The last few Obs I had were after very intense resistance/weight workouts, and I was completely exhausted after...combined with a night of bad or little sleep. Tried L- glutamine supplementation? Lithium orotate ( its a supplement too) has been known to supress the virus/replication too. I have also read it could mutate it...not sure how accurate that is, or if there was a study that proved that..maybe google it. I took The lithium one time and it was an abbreviated/shorter Outbreak than others...but I was also taking alot of vit C, or it could have happened for another reason...I'll never know for sure. but...mediating for 12 hours a day might help too... (seriously) but just don't meditate on HSV. Or maybe in another year your body will get a better hold on the virus and can cope better. it is depressing, I can relate.  My Obs have finally  lessened after 1 yr and 3 months. I still have almost daily sensations, tingling though..I'm probably contagious AF. Sex isn't really on the radar anymore. so No reason to take the AVs as they cause some side effects for me. Time to join that monastery. There are more important things in life than sex, right?  (thats what some people are telling me and I want to punch them. I really liked/enjoyed sex) Hang in there. I was told after the 6 yr mark, HSV becomes a non issue in your body. ( thats what one of my Drs told me, so  not sure how accurate that is either, but I guess it gives me 4.5 years of hope) let me know if any of this helps or you find something that does.I wish you the best.  
    • NY12345
      Perhaps some of the best advice I received a couple of years back was that even if you do have herpes, it doesn’t mean that everything going on downstairs IS herpes. Blisters on your penis, probably herpes. Cuts in your buttcrack, maybe-maybe not.  You’re not damaged goods, you’re now in the majority of the population which had some form of HSV. Your confidence, honesty and being a good partner will determine how your life moves forward, even if that’s hard to believe now. There will be rejection, oftentimes because of lack of education, and sometimes because not everyone wants to take that risk. That’s ok, people are turned down for all sorts of reasons, that’s just life. It’s ok to be bummed out, but herpes isn’t the end all be all.
    • Anon222
      Hey there, I think you should tell him. Wouldn’t you want the same if the roles were reversed and he had it but you didn’t? He has the right to know and should get tested. From what I’ve read though there’s a good chance that you didn’t transmit it because it’s hard to transmit GSHV1 to another’s genitals.  Don’t feel bad about it. You are a person and people make mistakes. Having this open conversation is important if you truly care about him I think. Good luck 

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