Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group
Sign in to follow this  
LadyT916

Are You Serious....no Sex??????

Recommended Posts

LadyT916

I told my boyfriend of 5 years that I contracted HSV and to my relief he loves me enough to stay with me. BUT and this is a big but, he is afraid to have sex with me. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship but lets face it…it’s a large factor in a relationship. So I don’t know what to do. I have explained to him that it is very possible for us to have a healthy sex life without him getting HSV. He will not listen that or he is just too scared I don’t know what to do to make him see that sex is still a option.

PLEASE GIVE ME ANY SUGGESTION ON HOW TO RESPECT HIS CHOICE WITHOUT GOING INSANE FROM SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.

OR HOW TO CONVINCE HIM THAT IT IS OK

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
msthickness

I feel your pain my boyfriend of 13yrs is now afraid of me, when i told him he was like its okay that he wasn't going to leave me and that if he has to use a condom he would well, its been a mth since i found out and we have only been together once since then, we used a condom then and he was so uncomfortable, and its been a mth since we had sex. We don't even talk about sex any more.... I hate this so much because in a way i can understand but on the other hand im so sad about this, because if he loves me the way he says he does than well you know... so in this situation a girl has to do what a girl has to do and thats go to the top drawer of the end table and make sure you have plenty of fresh batteries. Its not the same but it will relive some of the stress belive me.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
climber_grl

Wow... I am in a similar situation. I've been with my bf for just over 2 years now. We went on a "break" in Aug. I ended up meeting someone and got GHSV1. When my bf and I got back together I had to tell him what happened. It was horrible, and it broke a lot of trust. At first he was very hesistant to be physical with me, and pushed me away sexually several times. It's been a month now, and he finally understands the virus, and I think he's come to terms with it. We are not at the same sexual level we were before because we now have to use condoms, be more aware of transmission, etc. His desire has decreased and I feel rejected a lot. I am hoping in time, this will change, but I think this is just a normal aspect/phase. He claims he still loves and wants to be with me. I guess time will tell whether we can reclaim our sex life again. The first time I told him he was really weird the first time we had sex. He washed himself, didn't want to touch me. I felt horrible and dirty. Now though even though the quantity has decreased he is opening up a little. It's amazes me though that these men claim they love us, yet are unwilling to be intimate with us just because of "H"? I think honesty and being open is the best policy. I think he respects that I told him, and he knows I am concerned about his health, etc. which makes him a little bit more comfortable. I am in a similiar situation tho and it does hurt. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
annyi

Sadly

There was a guy I dated for half a year, I helped him went through his open heart surgery. His family, friends were not even there, only me took days off from work and slept on the hospital chair besides him. Even though we went through all this, he still won't be intimate with me afterwards, even when I was perfectly fine. When I asked him, he said, "Do you want me to get herpes?!" I left him not long after that. I am now dating one that doesn't hesitate to be close in many ways.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sad sore & sorry

I got HSV2 from a man with whom I was in relationship for a long time (>8yrs). He didn't know what the sores and blisters were, thought they didn't mean anything and had sex with me in the dark during an outbreak. It has ruined my skin which has torn with sex ever since - having sex feels like with every movement I am being sand-papered. The eroded, papercut and split areas bleed and take days to heal, all the while, you can imagine how it is with the toilet. This started in 1999. I have been to several specialists and even used clobetesone but there is no improvement. That man stopped having sex with me several years ago and I left him last year.

My new boyfriend was tested and didn't even have type 1, let alone type 2. I told him everything I knew (quite a lot - eg the studies in Steven Sacks etc) and told him he couldn't come near me until he went to the VD clinic and spoke privately and alone with a venereologist about all his questions and to hear the latest (not much more than I had told him). He did and after some deliberation he chooses not to have sex with me. I never pushed him - just waited patiently - and what could I say, except "good call". I take valtrex just for the cuddles and heavy making out. I don't know if my skin has improved bc its been years - but am even a bit glad I don't have to face the possibility that it has not, any time soon. You might wonder why I am even intersted after the years and years of terrible experience, but one still has a libido. every time I tried it over the years, I was praying a miracle had happened and that the damage had stopped as quickly as it started. I have even said to him "If we try, and nothing has changed for me, I won't be able to do this again (or maybe just sometimes, very quickly). And you will worry for months - and for what ?"

So, althought it is very hard and hurtful for you, I can only say your boyfriend has the right to feel whatever he is feeling, and he also has the right to say no - until he is ready to say yes (if ever). I would rather someone waited until they wanted to be with me with all their heart - no reservations whatsoever - and they were sure and happy and filled with love, than pressurising themselves into something that frightened them and seeing their frightened, regretful or even disgusted face afterwards. or seeing them run for the bathroom to wash and checking themselves a lot for signs. I'd rather not do it at all.

I can't blame my boyfriend for his decision bc if I had known the truth about my ex (and been able to see into the future at what would one day be mine forever), I would have refused to have sex with him too. How can I blame anyone else for not wanting what I have to offer ? I didn't want !

On a more positive note, try these people - they have really good notes for partners you can print off or email him the url. http://www.herpes.org.nz/patient/relationships.htm

Good luck :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sad sore & sorry
I have explained to him that it is very possible for us to have a healthy sex life without him getting HSV. He will not listen that or he is just too scared I don’t know what to do to make him see that sex is still a option....HOW TO CONVINCE HIM THAT IT IS OK

Well, it depends what you mean by "OK" and "having a healthy sex life".

There is very little new research since Dr. Steven Sacks died and the oldie-but-goodie study with the couples where one person had it and the other didn't still stands, according to my venereologist.

When couples <where one was affected and the other was not>

avoided sex during outbreaks / risky times ....

Man had it, girl didn't: 18 girls caught it per year

Girl had it; man did not (your situation): 5 men in 100 caught it per year.

(Yes, its wonderfully fair, isn't ?)

Condoms halve this risk.

So do antivirals.

Valtrex hangs around in the body better than Acyclovir.

How well have you ensured his risk is as low as you can make it ?

Maybe 5% per annum chance is too much for him.

  1. Are you on antivirals ?
  2. Have you discussed permanent condom use ?
  3. Have you discussed no unprotected oral sex - ever ? (this means using dams, cut-open condoms or non-microwaveable saran wrap)
  4. HAS HE BEEN TESTED ? Maybe he has it anyway - 80-90% of infected people don't know they are and almost ALL people catch it from someone who will swear on their mother's life they are "clean". (Imagine if everyone knew - imagine the reduction in new cases !)

Good luck and do let us know how it all goes :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sad sore & sorry

...When couples <where one was affected and the other was not>

avoided sex during outbreaks / risky times ....

Man had it, girl didn't: 18 girls out of 100 caught it per year

Girl had it; man did not (your situation): 5 men in 100 caught it per year.

Sorry about that ommission

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
msthickness

The Results are in and final

Hello every one its me again! as i told you all a while ago that i have asked for a second op on my gh diagnois well i had a complete std work up, and the blood test confirmed that yes i have gh ( shit Happens ), I guess i can be happy that everything else came back neg, but as I said I don't want this either, I am on 500mg valtrex twice a day only during outbreaks so far so good, no out breaks. My boyfriend and i haven't had sex yet but, He popped up here the other day with a cold sore, and well that answered a lot of quetions for me. I have come to terms with this and have made peace with myself that i have to live with this. I am not happy but on the up side im blessed i still have my health i have two beautiful boys ( 9 & 7 ) and i have a good life, so i take my meds take care of my immune system and go on. You all here have been good help to me and i just want to say thank you, and god bless. Have a happy new year to you all !!!!!!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jess5287

if you are having sex with a guy and they have herpes, and you do. could you get it worse then you already have it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
VVK

It is possible, but not very likely. This is why generally it is best to avoid having sex during an active outbreak.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Advertisement

Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
      68,276
    • Total Posts
      455,755
  • Posts

    • Quest
      When I broke out/ shed it usually was on my backside left side, my  upper crack or back right below the belt! Doggy style is my absolute favorite position which makes him very vulnerable! I think there definitely is an advantage to wearing some sexy clothes or latex! Or even the liquid gloves. I think the biggest problem is that people shave now and they nick and cut themselves! That leads them open for infection on any part of the boxer area!  
    • WilsoInAus
      I’d build on this to say that the volume of virus is critical. It has been observed that shedding instances where there are 10^7 virions are required for a pragmatic chance to actually get through the skin and it’s natural defences. Most shedding instances are well below this threshold. I’d also suggest that for many asymptomatic transmissions, most of the virus comes to the surface during the sexual act itself. So little point testing beforehand.
    • floydmonk
      Thank you for sharing that. Very resourceful.
    • Cas9
      I wasn't following the conversation closely, but yes, all that matters in terms of being contagious is if the virus makes it to the skin.
    • yadayadayadayada
      @Cas9 isn't that a "technicality"? From the sound of it this means that on a cellular level there is a daily battle but at the end of the day the virus can't transmit until it is present on the skin... right? I mean the question will still be: how many days is the virus present and transmittable. The mechanism (the technicality) is important but also not important... but I could be wrong, just trying to interpret. 
×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.