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bowiefan003

Worried about my much older, immunocompromised partner

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bowiefan003

I have been chatting with a man from England for over three years now. We are madly in love and plan to meet soon. All of our fantasies are built upon the idea of getting married and having a baby (call it premature but he is in his early 50's and I am inching to 30 so I guess its somewhat appropriate timing). I can't help this underlying paranoia I have regarding my condition. He has three main issues going against him:

1) He is European meaning he will not have as strong of an immune defense against HSV2 (rates in the UK are much less than in America)

2) He is likely immunocompromised and gets lots of HSV1 outbreaks as is

3) He is much older - and from what I understand the consequences of getting HSV2 in older age can be much more serious

The latter part is what I'm most concerned about. What if we can only make love a handful of times only to see my partner's life destroyed and both of us unable to express our love for each other through sex? He knows I am HSV2+. My concern is that he seems immunocompromised largely in part due to a sleeping disorder he has had a result of PTSD. When he doesn't get enough sleep he is more prone to seizures and colds and comments regularly that he gets a ton of cold sores. This SERIOUSLY concerns me. Will we ever be able to have sex without condoms? The idea of not being able to makes me feel like damaged goods, unable to enjoy sex to the full extent with the person I love and unable to have a baby. I've mentioned my concerns over him being immunocompromised and how he should maybe talk to his doctor in regards to the possible consequences of infection but he always downplays his concerns. We continue to fantasize (when you are in a long distance relationship you need to know how to fantasize) about bareback sex and all that it entails..) but never really talk about the logistics of it. Maybe I am overthinking of it but hoping to get some insight from others that may have an older and/or immunocompromised partner or if you yourself got it at an older age. Suggestions to tame my latent worries? I don't really want to talk to him about it more than I have to aside from supporting him in leading a healthy lifestyle (an ongoing mutual goal).

Edited by bowiefan003

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WilsoInAus

I think the first step is to get a Westernblot to confirm what you have, good to assess risks with relationships and having children.

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    • WilsoInAus
      That's exactly right, you can return to your life and get the blood test as a sleep easy in 12 weeks time (from the last episode).
    • Laurenhelena
      Him and his ex have regular breakouts with all the traditional symptoms and I believe he was swabbed.  So I can return to life as it was before all of this drama ? I may still look into a blood test is I am confident it is accurate 
    • WilsoInAus
      @Laurenhelena how is this guy sure he has herpes? All sounding a bit odd to me. Yes it is very unlikely you will develop lesions now. Rubbing skin to skin is required for any feasible transmission chance. The odds of transmission with unprotected vaginal sex are of the order of 0.08% per epsiode. Halve this if a condom is worn. Compare that to chamydia that has about a 33% chance of transmission with unprotected sex; now that's contagious!
    • Laurenhelena
      I just feel that it’s known as such a contagious STD - I’ve been lying to my family cause when I tried to talk about it they became very anxious and begged me to tell them I hadn’t slept with him when I had - If someone told me that they slept with someone with genital herpes my mind would instantly think they had it.  So it’s unlikely then that I’m going to get symptoms now? I’m not going anything further with that guy but we have cuddled and kissed in bed with underwear on, is that ok?  Im quite sure he has hsv2 given that his ex gave it to him through a threesome  I’ve never had a cold sore   
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Laurenhelena i think by your own admission you are letting fear get the better of you. Any flu symptoms (immune toxic shock) happen after the lesions, not before. Remember that most instances of sexual activity do not result in transmission of herpes. In the end it takes one exposure... but how many times has the person received oral sex from someone with HSV-1? or had sex with someone with HSV-2 even if they didn't know it was present? The UK has amongst the lowest incidence of genital HSV-2 in the world! There's a very good chance he has HSV-1. This means much lower transmission chances than you might think and even a chance it is near zero if you have an oral HSV-1 infection yourself!
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