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Worried about my much older, immunocompromised partner


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I have been chatting with a man from England for over three years now. We are madly in love and plan to meet soon. All of our fantasies are built upon the idea of getting married and having a baby (call it premature but he is in his early 50's and I am inching to 30 so I guess its somewhat appropriate timing). I can't help this underlying paranoia I have regarding my condition. He has three main issues going against him:

1) He is European meaning he will not have as strong of an immune defense against HSV2 (rates in the UK are much less than in America)

2) He is likely immunocompromised and gets lots of HSV1 outbreaks as is

3) He is much older - and from what I understand the consequences of getting HSV2 in older age can be much more serious

The latter part is what I'm most concerned about. What if we can only make love a handful of times only to see my partner's life destroyed and both of us unable to express our love for each other through sex? He knows I am HSV2+. My concern is that he seems immunocompromised largely in part due to a sleeping disorder he has had a result of PTSD. When he doesn't get enough sleep he is more prone to seizures and colds and comments regularly that he gets a ton of cold sores. This SERIOUSLY concerns me. Will we ever be able to have sex without condoms? The idea of not being able to makes me feel like damaged goods, unable to enjoy sex to the full extent with the person I love and unable to have a baby. I've mentioned my concerns over him being immunocompromised and how he should maybe talk to his doctor in regards to the possible consequences of infection but he always downplays his concerns. We continue to fantasize (when you are in a long distance relationship you need to know how to fantasize) about bareback sex and all that it entails..) but never really talk about the logistics of it. Maybe I am overthinking of it but hoping to get some insight from others that may have an older and/or immunocompromised partner or if you yourself got it at an older age. Suggestions to tame my latent worries? I don't really want to talk to him about it more than I have to aside from supporting him in leading a healthy lifestyle (an ongoing mutual goal).

Edited by bowiefan003
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    • EssenceL25
      I’m going to force him to get tested ! Thanks for your help ! 
    • WilsoInAus
      @EssenceL25 there really isn't a question mark around the source, it's your latest partner. The median time from infection to an outbreak of lesions upon initial infection is 4 days.  The only thing that isn't certain is the type I suggest.
    • EssenceL25
      I asked if it was hsv 1 or 2 and the doctor said it was Hsv2. I’m not sure i just asked him when he was tested last he said this year I said I think we should go test together and he agreed . I’m going to bring it up again cause I really need to know if he gave this to me I wasn’t sure since it was so close to my previous relationship.
    • WilsoInAus
      @EssenceL25 then it is all beyond reasonable doubt that the current partner is the source. A 'perfect' fit in terms of timing, symptoms and swab. It may be though that the type is not technically known. Culture swabs are very often not typed and just assumed to be HSV-2 if taken from a genital location. If you received oral sex in the days leading into 7 March then it is 50/50 as to whether this is HSV-1 or HSV-2. You could contact your doctor and confirm if the swab was actually typed (which is a second test where fluorescent antibodies for HSV-1 and HSV-2 are added and see which one 'glows').  If that test wasn't done then you do not know type. If you have oral HSV-1 yourself (cold sores) then this will be HSV-2. Does your partner have oral HSV-1? It is somewhat strange for him not to rush and test - many people have a 'reaction' if they truly do not know their status and have concerns that you infected them etc. (not initially rational of course). This indicates he may know his status - or maybe he just isn't simply the sharpest tool in the shed!?
    • EssenceL25
      I had flu like symptoms and ulcers on my vagina . They did a culture and I tested positive for hsv2. I asked my partner to get tested he agreed but I’m not sure if he will cause he hasn’t said anything else about it. 
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