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Newly diagnosed and struggling deeply


KJ92

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Hi everyone.

I never thought I'd see the day that I would be posting in an online forum, let alone for this topic. I also never thought in a million years that I would get this. Im not really sure what to say on here, I just needed to say something. I was recently diagnosed positive for GHSV2... like "4 hours ago" newly diagnosed. I am still just in complete shock. It hasn't settled with me yet that I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. I already picked up my medication, Valtrex, and it took me a solid 3 minutes to even bring myself to swallow the pill, cause I had this deep sinking feeling, like "once I do this, it's for real... this is actually happening... this is actually my life now.. this isnt some terrible nightmare that Im going to wake up from." Ive already called my (new) boyfriend and broke the news to him. He was much more understanding than I had expected and is actually going tonight to get himself tested, so we can decide where to go from there.

So I had my doctors appointment yesterday with a new gyno who upon immediately examining me came to the conclusion that what I had was herpes. I didnt want to accept it and continuously reassured her that it couldn't be that because I had just gotten tested in June and those results came back NEGATIVE. Or so I had thought... Apparently, my results in June did NOT come back negative, and in fact came back positive for HSV2, yet NO ONE called me to review these results or follow up with a care plan for me. I don't remember much from that time, but considering the fact that I have been living for almost 5 months now, unknowingly with this virus, tells me that IF/WHEN I had spoken to someone at that particular doctors office, than they must have told me that I showed negative for everything, because I went on living my life like I had nothing. Im not sure what the protocol is in different states, but for VA (where I live) the doctor usually calls you and states that "they received your results and then they proceed to read off said results for each test" over the phone. I know for a FACT, that I would have remembered being told that I was positive for ANYTHING back in June.. especially considering I usually get myself tested often at and take testing very seriously, since I always dreaded the thought of ever catching something. And now.... look where I am left!!! I feel incredibly hurt and angry that this office failed to discuss these results with me! I never received a paper copy of my results, no email, nothing. The only thing I ever received from that visit was a bill stating the amount of money I had left to pay after insurance, and what tests the charges were for. Had I known that I tested positive back in June, I would have NEVER exposed my boyfriend who I very much care about and saw a new future with. I will feel incredibly guilty if his results come back positive and come to find out that  I AM the reason for his diagnosis. 

Im sorry this is so long, I just have so much inside me that I need to let out. Clearly, you can see I am incredibly angry at this. I feel immensely isolated. I feel dirty. I feel like no one will ever love me again. I feel like even if I find a new partner, how can someone willingly choose to be with a person who has herpes, when they are not infected themselves? Why would they subject themselves to that exposure when there are plenty of other people they can be with who aren't exposed? I have always had a poor self image, I'm incredibly self-conscious. I consistently, on a daily basis struggle with self esteem issues and self-worth... and now, to have this psychological trauma and burden to add on top of all of that?! I don't know how to live with myself and I feel like my world is falling apart and I would be better off dead, than have to deal with a lifetime of loneliness and misery that comes from this psychological pain I am going through. 

I know I keep reading that "this isn't the end of the world", and "things will get better", etc etc. but being as this is DAY ONE for me.... and I feel like this... I can't imagine having to feel this way EVERY DAY, for who knows how long... until I just feel completely numb from it. I guess when that day finally comes, it'll also be the day that I start getting over it and dealing with this. But from this point A until that point B... the thought of that time in between just feels like so MUCH to deal with. So much pain, and hurt, and sorrow, that I just don't want to feel. not right now, not for a few months, not ever.

I can't be the only one who has felt this way. I am trying to be positive and divert my energy into researching this illness and finding support groups and forums like this, but I just need to know that I am not alone in this. I know for right now, that in my physical, every day life, the relationships/friendships I deal with in-person on a daily basis, I will be alone for the time being... but I really just need to know that I can, at least, find some support online... from others who understand me or have felt similar to what I am feeling right now. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

You're going through the exact same thing i am. I just finished my 10 day course. I feel dirty, am constantly checking myself, don't feel normal and realize how much viability I've lost and many mating options have vanished. A bit concerned about the neuronal aspect of this virus as well as the lack of a drive for any vaccine. I understand. 

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  • 4 months later...

I feel the same way. I'm 26 and was just diagnosed. I feel dirty, unwanted, hurt, scared...all of it. I can honestly say that telling my parents and getting their support has made a world of difference. Who tells their parents they have herpes right? But this is what it is. My mom told me tonight, "It's just a virus. It does not mean you are dirty or disgusting. You have to learn how to deal with it and accept it for what it is." And she's right. Do you know how many people have herpes and don't know? I'm sure with all the research you've done lately you know just how common it is. That makes me feel a little better too. I think we all have the same fears. Hopefully things get better for you.

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I have the same fears. I told my bf after 3rd date. Surprisingly he was ok with it. He said he really likes me and we will just be safe. We have been safe with protection but lately he says things when we are intimate like “I just want to cum inside you” 😩. I want it so bad but so scared he will catch it. It’s so frustrating and I fear that he will be tired of using all these barriers and just end our relationship 

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I think it can only be spread during an active outbreak. Are you on suppressive therapy? My friend has had herpes for 12 years and her and her husband don't use protection and he's never caught it. They just don't have sex if she has an active outbreak.

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I’ve never had an outbreak. I got tested for all stds after my husband and I divorced and found out I had it. I chose to go on immunosuppressive meds to provide as much protection to my bf as possible. 

Edited by Debs39
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4 minutes ago, ayekayelle said:

I think it can only be spread during an active outbreak. Are you on suppressive therapy? My friend has had herpes for 12 years and her and her husband don't use protection and he's never caught it. They just don't have sex if she has an active outbreak.

Not true. I caught ghsv1 with no active outbreak.

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5 minutes ago, ayekayelle said:

I think it can only be spread during an active outbreak. Are you on suppressive therapy? My friend has had herpes for 12 years and her and her husband don't use protection and he's never caught it. They just don't have sex if she has an active outbreak.

Not true. You can infect someone when you're simply shedding the virus. You wont see any visible signs of an OB, but the virus is present. Of course it's less virus than an actual OB, but you can still infect someone.

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5 minutes ago, ayekayelle said:

Oh okay. When does shedding occur? Is shedding decreased if you're doing suppressive therapy?

You wont really know when you're shedding, and it's not some once a year event. If we knew that, we could simply avoid sex when we're shedding. Yes, shedding would likely be decreased with antivirals. If your BF wants to cum inside you, then cut off  the tip of the condom, but I don't think that's the only reason he doesn't want to use a condom  :)

Edited by Cas9
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    • ZealousidealAide7
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