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Amor

What can I do?

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Amor

I have been married for nearly 25 years. I have never exhibited symptoms of HSV2 but as a child and occasionally as an adult have suffered HSV1. My wife has always been scrupulously clean in our sex life, only ever really allowing one orgasm and then ensuring that everything was clean. This whilst being satisfying was not always what I would have liked but I did not question it and continued. She was always very resistant of me performing oral sex on her, although if I was able to initiate it she enjoyed it. She used to put me of by saying that it was smelly and I accepted it reluctantly as being part of her apparent shyness of abandoned sex. About 6 or 7 years ago she started to complain of soreness from penetration which led eventually to a complete abstinence from sex. Then about 4 years ago this, together with a business failure that I blamed upon myself and took exceptionally badly as well as discovery that our son was heavily involved in drugs led to an extremely difficult marital situation. Communications broke down and I looked elsewhere for support. This eventually lead to a sexual relationship with another woman with whom I enjoyed a very active and satisfying sex life. She wanted me to leave my wife and live with her but to her great pain I decided that I must stay with my wife and attempt to revive and repay the support that she had given me through our marriage. Apart from this instance I have never slept with another person apart from my wife since before our marriage.

Our life together has been happy but my work often required that I was out at night with clients. This affected my wife and she took to alcohol and is if not an alcoholic is very close to it. She deserved my support and I choose to give it. Of course the short split caused her severe emotional trauma and at times she does rage about it when drunk . I refuse to be drawn into her rage which at times becomes physical but attempt to ignore it when she is in this condition. She will then go off and fall asleep in her lounge chair. Our sex life since reuniting has been one of limited contact due to her vaginal pain and tends to be through the use of erotica to bring both of us to near climax before a short and limited penetration to completion. I cannot touch her vagina a great deal as the tenderness from pain appears to be wide spread. I find myself wanting the type of sex that I experienced with my lover which generally occurred over an extended period often several hours and bought her to multiple climaxes and me to 2 or 3. I don’t intend to look outside of my marriage for this but need help in trying to overcome this apparent ongoing OB of herpes and to reduce and hopefully remove the pain of intercourse.

To the virus. My wife only told me and then circumspect ally that she was infected well before I met her with HSV2. This clarified for me years of sexually introversion on her part. I knew that she enjoyed our love making and many times felt that she deliberately stopped after climax and didn’t continue. I was hurt by her failure to tell me but not vitally and want to make our marriage and sex life work. I know that I am not without blame in our relationship and need to mend and heal the mental scars but the physical problems are entirely with her. I don’t appear to have been infected with the virus and haven’t taken any tests for it. I don’t appear to have passed it on to my lover so assume that for some reason I am immune, possibly due to the HSV1 infection.

Any advise will be greatly appreciated.

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Claudia

Wow. There is a lot going on in your situation.

Have you discussed couples counseling? Have you considered Al-anon meetings?

Good luck to you!

Claudia

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Amor

It has taken 20 odd years for her to admit to herpes, it will probably take the same for her to admit to alcoholism. Counselling is an option but is scary. For me my personal failure is hard to bear. The failure to keep a business afloat, failure to support my family and failure to raise a son who didn't need to turn to drugs. The only thing that has changed is my son is now in a stable relationship and appears to have abandoned the drugs but unfortunately for us this entailed him moving a 1000kms away from us and we now see him only sparsely. We both miss him a great deal. This site is my first tentative step to counselling and I am hoping for some insight into the virus and ways to improve our sex life before it is to late.

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Deadhead

I see a relationship counselor once a month. It was hard for me to start but I am eternally grateful to her...She is the only person on this earth that truely knows everything about me. She has helped me through the separation from my child's mother, living as a single father with hsv, and now to dating someone new who also has a child. I feel she actually cares about my well being. It is reassuring to know that someone is in your corner so to speak.

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