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#NOSHAMEGANG

*****PLEASE READ******

*****HELP NEEEDED*****

*****TIPS & ADVICE NEEDED****

Alright,  so I'm 20, and about a month and a half ago I hooked up with a girl from work, deffinalty the lowest my standards have ever got but she's not ugly she's just really, really immature and to be honest she's blatantly dumb. But we hooked up once, and the whole reason after I took her home the next day I lost motivation to pursue anything more than that one time was because we had sex 2 times that night and once in the morning and I wore a condom but(excuse my language but,) bitch didn't take a fucking shower after any of the 3 times. I took a shower after the second time went to sleep woke up had sex, showered-(she later told people we work with that I was the weird one because showered to much)-because just like the majority of people, I feel the need to shower after sex just to not feel dirty all day afterwords. And then around a week and a half later i got what I thought was a zit, I tried to pop it not thinking anything of it when it wouldn't pop I just forgot about it and went to sleep. The next day I woke up with what I thought was an abcess due to the fact that I used to be strung out and addicted to IV drugs for about 2 years before I moved away and checked into a actual hospital for rehab so I couldn't leave because drug addiction is a treatable mental Illness in west virginia, I had previously had an abcess in the same spot the "assumed zit" appeared due to amphetamines, that was about a year ago that I had the abcess drained at a hospital in NC so I went to the hospital here and tell them I have an abcess and it looked like an abcess so i can't blame the Dr for also thinking it was one and giving medicine instead of draining due to it not being large enough to puncture I guess. Then a few days pass and the sore started oozing and hurting and somehow the tip of my nose and just under my left eyebrow also formed (less severe but still a bit large for comfort) slightly less oozing; red sores. So I go back to the hospital as any alarmed adult would, and I tell them the abcess had to of got infected bla bla bla and the new doctor looked at it and said that it was herpes, and did some kinda test I forgot what exactly because during all this I had a alarmingly high fever, but she put a IV in my arm and started some antiviral meds they give to children and had offered me a mild pain pill through IV to help the pain because it truly had me shaking and in a bit of pain but i declined the offer because I'm an addict and always will be but I haven't used an IV since june or done anything but drink one or 2 days a week and i smoked weed untill i smoked alone while having the fever attempting to feel better, and then i swear on everything i thought a shirt hanging on my door was talking to me for a half hour and I struggled to ignore the shirt but I knew it was in my head I just very very high fever and felt awful, but had no ride because it was atleast 12 or 1, so I just decided to stop all together. To continue after the hospital the Dr prescribed me lidocaine, acalyvoir, suggested orajel, staying away from certain foods, wrote me 3 days out of work and sent me on my way. 3 days after my sore beside my mouth is still large, oozing, painful, and nothing I tried after researching was helping, so I had to go to the hospital again for the 3rd time and told the doctor what was going on but I left the shirt talking incident out because I knew better than to sound crazy. The doctor then examined the sore and the small sores inside my lip that formed because oddly enough the sore beside my mouth oozed nonstop flowing INTO MY MOUTH, AND ONTO my lip causing sores in mouth and making my lip to get very hard and lightly brown film-like coating that I could easily just remove with no sores beneath, like I could visibly see the oozing liquid come from the sore and flow directly in to the side/corner of my mouth, and even down my throat. it was very very disturbing and I've tried finding a similar story and haven't heard of that happening to anyone else or atleast not going into the mouth sideways, which is alarming. But the doctor then gave me more lidocain at the hospital and told me to try to keep it as dry as possible which I had already been doing thanks to information online, and wrote me out of work for 7 days so I go back home and continue to do what I had done for the previous 4 days, lay in my bed lights off watching tv taking medicine and feeling like less than a human being. I've been homeless living in a car with 3 other people using heroin and amphetamines tbrough IV drugs multiple times a day for 2 months straight commuting crimes just to get high and still that didn't even come close to comparing to as low as I felt the entire 11 days I had to be off work due to a std I got from someone who barely has symptoms, that knew they had it, being the least attractive girl ive been with, and the only girl I've been with since febuary this year. I mean i was mad at her but I know that I'm responsible for my actions I shouldn't have done it in the first place but I did so it is what it is. So I not only felt like trash, in pain, and not healing at all as expected, I was also blaming myself in order not to blame her completely due to me having to see her almost every day at work and I can't purposely be mad at her because eventually I know I would end up blowing up causing a huge scene, and possibly losing my job because I would say some terrible things so I basically act like I don't wanna smack the fuck out of the girl who I later learned does extacy, and fucks strangers for fun spreading herpes while i actually suffer and pay rent making 7.25, constantly at war with my own thoughts, and now have to worry about an outbreak happening during my random panics, especially when I have panic dreams because I can literally do nothing to stop them. But I laid in bed till the day before I could come back to work and by then it had scabbed but deffinalty shouldn't have soaked it in water and removed it but I couldn't stand it and I didn't think about it leaving a red area for as long as it has but it was atleast healed, lightly tingles rarely everyday but I thought nothing of it at first, I get back to work at the restaurant I work at and felt obligated morally and felt responsible to tell the truth when asked due to just how I feel about the possibility of spreading it and how I think keeping it secret could be harmful to anyone, not likely but atleast possibly harmful.so I made the first herpes joke on myself and took control of the situation instead of keeping it secret and feeling even more shame than I did already, and it's a little embarrassing but so are the injection sight scars(track mark scars) on my arms and I live with them and always been open about addiction with NO SHAME because its a huge part of my life, due to starting doing painpills atleast half of every week at 12 years old, so it didn't really bother me being open. But if course I eventually got enough shit from people to where it had me feeling down a little but I just kept it to myself and a day or 2 later I thought about how all the people making crude jokes, not haha jokes but just rude intended to belittle-me type of jokes are all around 30+ and make minimum wage or a quarter more  just like i do at 20, that helped me quickly stopped caring about the few fucked up jokes, but I couldn't wait for the red marks of previous scars on my eyebrow, nose-tip, and beside mouth  to go away and they didn't for 2 weeks and barely got better, I got stressed one day at work and in my mind it was getting worse, a friend said it looked the same but I knew it was itching a bit too much for me not to freak out about it so after work I went to the hospital after having basically an anxiety/panic attack that made it worse positively. So another doctor comes in for visit #4 and feels (with gloves) on my ears, knees, and elbows that were inflamed and examined the red spots and called another doctor in to look with him along with a nurse, and they said without a doubt that I was "in the beginning or a mild impetigo infection", so they gave me bactroban, a bunch of allergic reaction meds, and also informed me that (due to him knowing me previously to a heart valve and blood Infection I had before i went to rehab due to the drugs and mainly the IV drugs) is a large factor in why I have had such a difficult time fighting the herpes virus, and preventing the impetogo virus. It's been a month and a half since contact with the virus and a little over a month since the start of this awful, awful, outbreak all 3 red marks are still there, even tingle once every couple days and I've been taking 3 different meds and using  bactroban creme religiously and its helped it shrink in size but only very little, but atleast it's noticeably smaller. If anyone has ever been through anything resembling what I've went and am going through, or have any tips, online products, or anything please, please, please reply and let me know because I'm positive its more likely and would be easier for another herpes outbreak to come back quicker with the red marks still being there Instead of gone. I'm constantly in a state of accepting depression, and constant anxiety, and a little bit too much stress. I really want to be safe and not even chance spreading this, and possibly putting anyone through the pain and sadness I felt for all those days with the open sore that was always oozing rapidly into my mouth.. I've basically accepted to just take as long as it takes being alone, and honestly depressed for as long as it takes before I feel good enough about myself to try dating again, and even then I know it'll be difficult because I intend on being open about the virus upfront before the possibility of anyone getting feelings and end up just ruining things after putting so much work and everything Into a relationship. Ik most people have it and don't know it but I do know that I have it, and I truly refuse to feel responsible for anyone going through all this on top of knowing even if they don't show symptoms that they'll spread it to someone who eventually will. I lose enough sleep over my past and who I was and what Ive done as an addict to people and the damage I've done to myself, and stress constantly about day to day life, and past experiences, to lay awake thinking about how I couldnt live with myself knowing spreading a lifelong virus to people. people often spread it to there children and children's immune systems are week as well, and no child deserves any outbreak or a lifetime virus that could make them feel bad about themself through no fault of there own. I overthink everything but I can't get medication for anxiety and stress because every time I try they say the same thing; "due to your history with drugs we don't feel comfortable giving you a abuseable medicine just so you don't cause your herpes to act up" and it's fair I guess.. I understand atleast maybe not fair, but I've even went to a psych and i said that and I truly need something to help me feel at ease because I was already barely-stable before the herpes but as you can tell since my first outbreak i have been in the worst mental place I've ever been. I even risked getting commuted by telling a Dr at a family Dr apt that I had a fever smoked weed then had to ignore the shirt that I thought was really talking to me for half an hour and was almost in tears while telling her, it really scared me knowing i most likely have it in my eye and knowing it could spread to the brain, but i believe it was more likely to be caused by the high fever.  But like usual she basically wrote me off like I was just a junkie wanting free drugs like most Dr's think immidiatly. And on top of thinking I didn't really need help and just wanted to get high she said "if you really heard voices you should see a mental health Dr about being skitzofrenic" so i just left. If you've read all this you're a trooper, ive felt like i had to get everything out to somehow get help but telling Drs got me absolutely nothing but creme and judgement, but I really really need as much help, advice, and tips as I could get. Thank you!

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