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heaby

HELP!!! We broke up b/c my girlfriend has herpes :(

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heaby

Hello i'm new to all this so please bear with me,

my girlfriend (i am a male) told me about a week ago that she has herpes (not the oral one, just genitally; i think its type 2????) and that she really didn't want to give it to me so we ended up finishing our relationship against both of our desires and it hurt so bad . It was very hard for me to hear and even worse for her to tell me. Since she got herpes the only break out she has had was the initial one. Since that she has taken Valtrex and everything seems fine. We really both want to stay together, it's just we are pretty young and i am very cautious with things like that. I guess my question is that when the time comes for us to be intimate with each other and she hasn't had an out break since the initial one. If we use protection and she takes her meds; Is there still a chance that i will get it? And if so what is the percentage? I mean i know for a fact i have no STD's and i would prefer to keep it that way just for my own well being. This is a terrible situation that we have both been put in, if someone could just help me decide on what to do it will make both of our lives so much better. My perfect outcome would be that we could get back together and not get herpes and be happy. Of course i know there is still a chance to get herpes. Please i need some help on what to do

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lilanne19

Dating someone with herpes is definitely something you shouldn't take lightly because it's a lifelong disease. However, since she is on the meds and if you use a condom the chance of you getting it is very slim. Somewhere around 4%, so it's a 96% chance you won't get it from her. But even with those odds, I think it's important that you really consider whether or not you want to take that risk. What's wrong with dating each other and waiting to have sex. It's not taking it off the table it's just saying look I want to continue to get to know you. Since you are so young (your words not mine) I'd hate for you to get this and then break up a month later. But I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just offering an opinion. Continue to date her, wait on sex. Then if you decide if the relationship is worth the risk, enjoy.

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heaby

thanks for the help

hey thank you alot for you opinion, i really appreciate it. Its just i've never dated someone with herpes before and it's a kind of Label that you get when you heard the word that is frightening now that i've been online and resarched its not as bad as i once thought. But that is a fantastic suggestion and i will definately take it into consideration. I just really needed someone's outside opinion on the matter. Is there still a chance that i could get it even if she shows no signs of an OB (outbreak i assume) ?? i mean with all of the normal precautions, preotection, her meds. Thank you so much you are a great help

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justwondering123

Hey brother, I actually feel the exact opposite from what the above poster said. Herpes is not a big deal. If you contract it you may have symptoms at one point but more then likely you won't. Correction, I mean WHEN you contract herpes. Chances are that you will not be staying in the 20% for long, one kiss and its all over, then you can infect every partner you have with genital herpes through oral sex. It sucks because that kiss usually comes from your mother or grandmother when you were to young to know. The woman above said "Its something you will have to live with the rest of your life". well so is chicken pox. Additionally, With every future partner you meet you will always be at risk for contracting genital herpes, this is not just a problem with your girlfriend, its a problem pretty much everyone. You are young so lets put it this way. You go to a party after you breakup with you girlfriend and hook up with 10 VIRGIN 18 year old girls, who all give you oral sex, your safe right they were virgins? Statistically during those blowjobs your were put at risk for both type 1 and type 2 Herpes, you were put at risk for type 1 during five of the blowjobs and type 2 during 3 of the blowjobs. My Advise, If she does have type 1 (Not Type 2), my advise would be to take on a normal sex life and never mention herpes again. Support each other as needed. As for you, if you ever happen to join the herpes club (5 Billion and counting) thats just the risks of procreating my friend. If she has type 2 i think its a little different because there is allot more negative social stigma attached to it, however unwarranted it is. If i really felt she was the one or might be, i would carry on a normal sex life without questions and take every precaution and take the condom off after marriage.

This is all, however, just my point of view and I'm sure a lot of people here disagree with me. Unfortunately people come to these forums for answers, instead of information, when they should be talking to their doctors.

Ultimately gather all the information that has been made available and make your own decision. Below is a link to my predicament. Good luck with whatever you choose.

http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/messageforum/showthread.php?p=38913#post38913

Straight Answers to your questions.

- Yes you can get it if she shows not visible signs. In the majority of cases this how the virus is transmitted.

- With the use of medication/suppressive therapy, a condom, and if she continues to remain asymptomatic your looking at a ballpark rage of 2-5% transmission over a year of regular sex. 4-10% without a condom.

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lilanne19

Just wondering, while I agree with you herpes is definitely not the end of the world. We're a little biased because we KNOW its not (the stigma can still put a serious cramp in your dating life). However, everyone should do what they can to stay STD free (and getting an incurable one is always a big deal). Regardless of how many of us have them, I'm sure we'd all like it if it went away. I would. I just think that before you join this club, you should think long and hard about the risks involved. Heaby, yes it's always possible that you can get this. However, like I said previously you're chances are slim (if you use a condom and abstain from sex from prodromal symptoms (tingling sensation etc. if you don't know ask her) until a week after the outbreak has healed. But again, love trumps all doesn't it. Just make sure the relationship is worth it. You're young, you have a lot of like ahead of you and nothing is more important than your health. If you're at a point where you truly see a future with her again enjoy. Condoms protect men more effectively than women. BUT, don't rush into anything. Take your time and then decide.

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Belladonna

my ex-boyfriend couldn't deal with it.

First of all, kudos to you for seeking information.

I just lost my boyfriend b/c of herpes. We met in July and clicked right away. I told him about my HSV-2 status two weeks after we started dating, and we decided to put sex on the back burner and just focus on getting to know each other. He was kind & patient, and I really began to fall in love with him.

Now & then we would talk abou the herpes situation. He seemed to not want to deal with it. He claimed to have read some "stuff on the internet" about it; but he didn't seem informed to me. I sent him information via links in emails; but he doesn't like to read long things on computer screens (why he couldn't just print out a page is beyond me). I explained to him how many people out there have it now and that most of them are asymptomatic, and that there was even a possibility that he could have it - and that getting the test would at least let us know where we stood. But he didn't get the test.

Towards the end of October my insecurities in the relationship had grown pretty large. It seemed he didn't want to touch me in front of other people; but it could have been my imagination. He told me that he felt cramped and needed a week to himself to think about things. We went back & forth for the next month until finally it became quite clear - he could not deal with the fact that I have herpes. Nevermind that he has never spoken to a doctor about it, or had the test, or even read very much about it. He told me he was falling for me and he threw me away because of a disease.

I've cried enough tears about it. I've moved onto acceptance. I've begun to view him in more realistic light. He wasn't strong enough to even get information & get tested --- Life gets a lot tougher than herpes, this guy was gonna bail if there was any sign of trouble, I guess.

He says he feels horrible about things. He's cried to me about it. We've cried together. But he's not the man I need in my life, I don't know if he could ever be that man. He's supposed to get the test after Christmas - we'll see.

Go and get the test done, you may have it and not know. Don't get to know her, make her fall in love with you, and then pull the rug out from under her. Look fear in the face adn be honest with yourself & her. Please.

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VVK

Please consider carefully that this virus is going to be with you possibly for the rest of your life. There is currently research being done on a vaccination. However, there is big money in the Herpes treatment products - it is a virus that is supposedly just an inconvenience to have and doesn't affect you like, say, smallpox (which is very strictly and exists only in labs, controlled due to how dangerous it is). Companies happily make drugs for you to use and take your money - usually very pricey until their patents run out.

Things may get better in a decade or so - there is research in the works right now for vaccination and for lasting prevention of breakouts. However, a lot of research lacks funding because Herpes is so profitable! Unfortunately, where there isn't research, is in the long-term effects of herpes.

There is a already a noted possibility that HSV is related to Alzheimer's. It is also well-established that HSV-II is a very common cause of viral meningitis (inflammation of your brain). There may be other risks that have not yet surfaced because long-term studies do not yet exist..

My intentions are not to discourage a relationship with a herpes-affected partner. It's just very important to be aware of the risks - especially when they do not seem to be very evident. The solution may surface in a few years or it may not. Either way, I think it is best to play it safe - but that doesn't mean breaking up!

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Pearl

So many people have genital herpes today that chances are you will date or sleep with another person who has it. I had been sexually active and disease free for five years, until I got into a monogamous relationship with my current boyfriend. He had gotten tested for STD's after I requested it from him and he passed. We didn't know that Herpes is not included in the basic STD testing because 80% of Americans have the virus (oral or genital, type 1 or 2.) He never had a sore or anything, but six months into our relationship I had my primary outbreak (over this Christmas.) Herpes and all other STD's are very prevalent everywhere. And herpes isn't the thing that you should be worried the most about.

Anyway point being is that STD's are so common these days, and most people don't even know that they have them. I think it's better to know then not know, and it will be safer for you. Best of luck!

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alwaysalone

I got some questions. How long have you been dating? How old are you? How did she get it? Do you think or know that you love her?

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Catlady

Take your time

Hi there heaby,

you got a few different opinions now, thought I'd add to the list ;)

I honestly don't agree with some of the expressed opinions; it is not a risk you should take lightly. I know you just want things to be good and that you could be together, without the risk of contracting herpes - but this is a very real risk and you need to think about this (it is good that she told you & that you talked about it, that must have been hard on her too!). Why not take it easy for a while? You're young - what's the rush? get to know each other properly, hang out, do fun things together, make your decision when you feel ready and don't rush it. If you decide that you can't do it, then at least you'll have a great friendship - and if you decide to stay with her and at some point become intimate, read as much as you can about it and speak to your doctor, in order to minimalise the risk.

I contracted herpes 10 years ago and have found it incredibly hard to deal with. The guy who "gave" it to me never told me - something I'm still angry about because I found out later that he knew he had it all along. There is nothing I can do about it now, except deal with it - but I wish that he would have told me about it so that I could have made a decision (myself) on whether I wanted to take that risk or not, and if I had decided to go ahead with the (intimate) relationship, we could have been more careful.

Talk to your girl and let her know what you're feeling - and have a good think about it. Sure, herpes is not the end of the world, but it is not exactly pleasant either!

Take care X

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Ithrin

Dude just be with her and wait till marriage for sex, if you really like this girl then she is worth waiting for right?

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tsilano

hey

I have to say justwondering123 ur awesome n catlady u r totally right! I am a young woman wit genital herpes1. I have read almost every single post 2find out information from different people. My boyfriend broke up wit me because I am sick. I just found out da bad news dat I am sick. He got tested n hes not. He couldnt deal with so here I am alone right now he has been there for me by being a great friend to lean on n cry on. I understand he needs time 2 understand alot of things. He needs time 2 see if his love for me is stronger than my herpes. We were together 4 8 yrs we broke up n I went wit someone else n than we got back together just 2 break up again. He is da love of my life n I am his. But right now has much has I need him I also understand dat he is scared just da same way u are right now. So if u love her n she loves you just give each other time n understanding that u both greatly need. Just be there n take things slow for now n if u decide dat dis is da woman for you than u take da next step. Trust me she probaby is has scared has u are 2 give it to u because Im scared 2 give it 2 anyone. If you want you can pm me for further discussion. Just remember one thing if u leave ur not only leaven da disease ur leaven her. Best of Luck 2 you!

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