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Exceeder

Have your standards gone down?

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Exceeder

Is "occasional smoker" now acceptable to you, where before you got the H it was totally a deal-breaker?

Have your "age limits" been stretched a little bit?

Is "non-religious" now checked as acceptable, even though you would really prefer someone who is the same faith as you (or vice versa?)

I'm just wondering how many of you have allowed these slippages, and how many others have held on strong to their ideals?

Perhaps the "H" has just made me less judgemental?

I would hate to let my guard down...I expect people I date to be as awesome as me ;)

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ouch

absofreakinlutely NOT!!! My standards are just as high as they were BEFORE the H bomb hit me. Maybe even MORE so in some ways.

I have stuck to my "rules" for dating and expect the SAME exact treatment from a mate as I did before I was diagnosed with H.

I have never "settled" for somebody, just because I have herpes. I wouldn't have before, so why do so NOW??

While I have made a few MISTAKES in the dating field (especially concerning the asswipe who gave me this lovely virus) nonetheless, I didn't feel the need to sit around and put up with their shit. First sign of trouble..and buh-bye.

So, yeah, I can honestly say that I haven't let herpes change me in THAT way. Oh, it has changed me in other ways, but as far as the hunt for a good mate, nope.

(and I have been with my man for over 4 years now, and he is a GREAT guy!) ;-)

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catiesmom

I disagree with ouch a bit. I think having this has opened my eyes to what i would have before considered "unacceptable". Granted, if i didn't want someone who smoked, i would still stick with that, etc. But this has sort of made me see that sometimes the small things i THINK would be a problem (ie someone having H before i got it) might not really be a problem, and might not really be telling of their character. For example, i smoke occasionally. Only when i'm around someone at work who smokes, or out to a smokey bar. I don't smoke regularly (and wouldn't want someone who does) and i can pick it up or drop it whenever i want. I don't have an addictive personality, and i think it's that that smoking generally conveys to the casual observer. I guess i've just reevaluated what i thought were my criteria. I still hold strong to certain things (especially liking kids, obvs), but i've let some other things go, in light of my own "mistakes".

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ouch

You know, I can look over a persons small idiosyncrisies...and I did that BEFORE I had herpes as well....nobody is perfect. There are certain small character flaws that are NOT deal breakers (did he fart, leave his socks on the floor, chew with his mouth open..whatever.) that while they might be annoying, are NOT a reason to break it off with somebody if they have so many OTHER great qualities.

BUT...I would never EVER sell myself short, nor "settle" for someone who couldn't stimilate me intellectual, emotionally and physically. I never said "wow, gee, I have herpes, so I better grab whatever I can get, because this is ALL I can get.". Unfortunately, I know ALOT of people who have done this. Settled. I wouldnt' do it before, and I sure as hell won't do it now.

If anything Herpes has totally CLARIFIED this stance with me and for me.

Again, I am not saying sweat the small shit. I am saying, STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Don't let this stupid virus deter you from your dreams and wants. '-)

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catiesmom

Dunno, i had a guy blow his nose at the table while we were eating dinner one time, and that was a deal breaker for me. :)

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ouch

AH HA HA HAHA HA!!!! Yeah, I dated this guy once who had the worst haliotosis in the world. And he was REALLY gassy. We were at dinner, and he kept secretively belching (covering his mouth with a napkin ...so at least he had MANNERS) but then the STENCH would reach across the table and slap me in the face with some major STANK. That was it. I was DONE with him!!! HAHHAHAHA! I will NEVER forget that (nor that heinous smell..ugh)

I don't even know if it was haliotosis, I think it had something to do with his digestive system being all jacked up. It was just....AWFUL.

Another time I caught this guy I was dating picking his nose. Done. hahahaha. I mean...we have ALL done these things...just not out in public. yuk.

God, I should right a BOOK of some of the closet bozos I have dated. It woudl be entertaining to say the least. Catiesmom, you can be my co-author and share YOUR experiecnes as well!!! ;-)

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catiesmom

Oh absolutely. Of course, the worst ones are the ones i stuck with!

I had a guy i met through internet dating come over to watch a movie and pick his nose on my couch. He couldn't even wait for me to move or something! Then when i asked him if he needed a tissue, he said no. No more dates for him, either.

I actually ended up breaking up with a guy whose table manners were just too awful. I mean, we'd go to dinner at this crappy little italian place up the street and he'd chew and talk with his mouth full and/or open, his feet were all over the seats, he talked REALLY LOUDLY for a quiet restaurant, he was always rude to the waitress.... god, it just drove me NUTS! I tried to get him to improve but he insisted he was fine. Then we went out with his daughter too... the two of them sitting across the table from me was enough to turn me OFF for good! Ugh!!

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Deadhead

When I was first diagnosed I was involved in a relationship. I can honestly say that I knew for a long time that she wasn't "the one". I was terrified of having to find someone else who would accept the fact that i was infected with hsv. That definitely played a part in me staying with her for way too long. I was seriously lacking in self esteem at that time, my confidence was non existant. It took me a long time to come to terms with it.

I haven't looked back since. I have been totally honest with myself and my partners, and in the long run this has changed me for the better. I know who I am, and what I want. I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I deserve at this point.

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ouch

Catiesmom...how did you NOT reach over and smack the both of them?!!?!? HAHAHAHA! That would have made me CRAZY! ( I HATE it when people chew with the mouth open, or SMACK their food, ugh!! Big pet peeve of mine!) yuk!! you have oodles of patience my friend! hahahaha!

Deadhead (I love the Ronny Mc D avatar by the way. Cute.)

I think we ALL, at some point, have dated somebody who wasn't who we really wanted to be with, realized, HEY...this is a BIG mistake here... and moved on. It is a good learning experience if nothing else. I think it is great that you are strong and secure with yourself. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time and living a little life to teach us these things.

And again, I think we should all, always have this attitude about ourselves, with and without herpes. If nothing else, herpes has made me a bit more compassionate for peoples' flaws. I might decide to NOT put up with that persons flaws (and visa versa) but I sure as heck understand and feel compassionate for them.

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tothefuture

Some of these posts made me laugh.

I remember once really looking forward to meeting this new date - I'd met him just once before and thought I really liked him. He walked into the pub and as he was walking towards me I noticed he was wearing brown shoes, blue jeans, green shirt and a black jacket. Anyway he looked HIDEOUS. I knew before he had even reached me that it was over:lol: (I can't understand why my friends say I'm superficial!!!:rolleyes:). I spent the rest of the night getting totally pissed just to get through the night.:lol:

This virus - along with being in an abusive relationship (although I can only see this clearly now - now that I've come out of it) has made me feel that I need to be with someone (IF I ever become involved with anyone again) who's....NICE. I mean pleasant, kind, considerate etc etc. But still with a lot of testosterone if you know what I mean! I feel that I've been through enough and I deserve someone who's...grown-up!!! So I've ditched a habit of a life-time ie going for the 'bad boys'...and will only settle for someone who's far nicer than my usual arrogant, self-obsessed fucking tosser type (ooohhh can feel a rant coming on....:?).

So to answeer the original question - no, I haven't lowered my standards!!!

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Willpower07

I don't think I really ever had much in the way of standards - otherwise I'd never have ended up here. ;) With that joke being said, I can see a little of me in everyone else's comments, which is nice. I definietly think my standards went up, though.

Hey Ouch...thank you for the amusing halitosis story! You and Catiesmom are welcome to vent my way anytime - especially about awful men you have met! You two are a crackup.

Where am I going with this? Oh yeah...lowering the standard of the thread... ;)

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Deadhead

Thanks O. I was looking for a little humor in all this.

I have to say that sometimes I think i have raised my standards too high. I don't want to tell anyone about my hsv, especially someone I want to like me back. Does that make any sense? That has made me very selective in my choice of women. It is a very emotional thing for me just to say the words.

The fear of rejection is something that weighs on my mind even now after I have told my girlfriend. She could turn around tomorrow and say that she is not comfortable with the whole situation. And oddly enough, the more I like her the more I don't want to put her at risk. It is a mystery even to me...How can I be infinitely attracted to such a beautiful woman and not want to be intimate with her at the same time!?

My message to hsv... KISS MY ASS!

I guess I should go to the rant and rave section!

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Deadhead

Just in general...What's the M to F ratio around here? I feel like I'm outnumbered.

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catiesmom

I think you are outnumbered.

I hate the idea that the fear of rejection alone can cause standards to go up, because those are almost false standards. I hate that now on top of going "Can i bring him home to my parents? Will he be a good father? Can he satisfy me sexually for the rest of my life?" we also have to think "Will he accept my HSV status?"

Guess that's why i'm still single. Well, that and my propensity toward the "arrogant, self-obsessed fucking tosser type".

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ouch

Laughter is GOOD!!!

Thanks Deadhead, I am glad we are all bringing a smile to your face. And I agree with "KISS MY ASS HSV!!!!!!!" We have it, it sucks, big whoop. It doesn't change us, and it should deter our path on who we are meant to be. It is a big ole fat inconvienence from time to time...it can make some of us nutty from time to time (like me...raising my hands here on this one!!) But none the less, I think it is important to not let it change us OR take away our sense of humor.

And who is funnier to us, then well, OURSELVES. I am laughing at myself all the time. Not because I am a big ole jokester, but because I am HUMAN and I do stupid things, make stupid mistakes, try to learn from them, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't...but we gotta keep trying and try to laugh along the way. As my daddy always said...NOBODY HAS EVER GOTTEN AN ULCER FROM LAUGHTER.

Ain't THAT the truth?!?!

Sure there are certain situations where humor and laughter are absolutely unappropriate. But in the case of telling bad dating stories and "our standards" stories....it is ON! ;-)

oh I have dated my share of bozos. Like I told Catiesmom, I could write a BOOK. Especially after my divorce , when I got back into the dating game. And if my standards were high before, they were REALLY high after my ex and I seperated. Sometimes, it became almost a game with me before going out with somebody....I Would be getting ready thinking...hmmm...what is the HUGE flaw with this person??.....what is the "deal breaker" going to be with THIS guy?? And I would come up with all sorts of scenarios in my head, so that by the time the date actually commenced, I was sitting there, staring at them hard with a big old question mark embedded into my face. In most cases, these blokes were not bad guy, quite nice, but I was just not that into them.

The guy I contracted herpes from was a big closet misogynist, who hid under the guise of "sensitive, caring man; chivalrous gentleman." We were in a long term relationship and at first, he seemed PERFECT. He snuck through my bullshit detector, but I started to notice some serious character flaws with him towards the end. The way he talked about his mother, his sister and women in general. He had NO respect for them whatsoever. He treated ME respectfully (because I COMMAND it and I would have knocked him on his ass otherwise) but he would make certain comments that really made me stop and think...hmmm...I don't want to waste another drop of energy on this guy. Ironically, the horn-dog in me got the better of me one weekend and VOILA....a day and a half later...I had contracted herpes. Go figure. Before It was confirmed I have ghsv, I dumped his ass.....

SO....now when I date....I really listen to what a bloke has to say about women, his mother, sisters, even his EX. If I don't like what I hear....THAT can be a deal breaker for me too.

Since contracting herpes, I, like Caliope, am even MORE fiercely protective of my body. I have enough shit to deal with, I don't want to deal with some bozo to boot, who will perhaps cause me stress in life, (thus causing me more outbreaks) or who is emotionally retarded, or classless neaderthal. THANK GOD that I am in a good relationship witha great guy, who never let hsv scare him, and sure, he ain't perfect, but neither am I. He is smart, kind, artistic, super intelligent and has that "edge" to him that I like. (I like "bad boys" too ladies....but I have learned that there is a BIG difference between a bad boy who is edgy but has his shit together.....and then they hunky bad boy who has not much else to offer...and THOSE kind of bad boys wear thin REAL quick.)

I also think it is good for newbies to read these sort of threads. How many newbies come on here, and think " oh my GOD....I have herpes, I feel dirty, nobody is gonna love me...blah blah blah" and MY first thought is shit...this person is going to settle for the first dirtbag they find, just because they are SCARED and feel so INSECURE. I think when they read a post like this one, it gives them hope and helps them see that they do not have to hang their head in shame.

Anyhoo, I am a-rambling on here. Good post good post. And lets hear MORE bad dating stories! I know they are out there! ;-)

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Caliope

My worst dating story was of the guy who, made it through my fierce scrutiny, only to confess a few months later to having had a sexual relationship with his sister in his teens. He had some other strange confessions to go along with this. And this guy was one of the few religious guys I dated thinking that morals and attending church go hand in hand.

I promptly dumped his ass but what kind of person admits this stuff?

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catiesmom

See now, and my dad thinks i'll only find my "prince charming" at church. :rolleyes:

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catiesmom

That's a good way of putting it. I'm totally using that on my dad next time we argue about it! :)

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ouch
My worst dating story was of the guy who, made it through my fierce scrutiny, only to confess a few months later to having had a sexual relationship with his sister in his teens. He had some other strange confessions to go along with this. And this guy was one of the few religious guys I dated thinking that morals and attending church go hand in hand.

I promptly dumped his ass but what kind of person admits this stuff?

OMG!!!! You are kidding, right!?!! UGH!!!! that is SO creepy/scary! I can only imagine the other confessions....

Yeah a persons religious beliefs/background do not garner automatic piety. Most times I find, just the opposite.

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tohealth

OMG--this thread has cracked me the hell up!!!! ouch and catiesmom--y'all are nuts!!!!! I swear (and I thought going out with a guy who at the end of dinner wiped every square centimeter of his plate with a biscuit was the mother of all petrification)....oh lord!!! You can't even make this stuff up---a guy and his sister?? Speaking of stuff you can't make up--my hair stylist told me (I just have to get this out because it's been bothering me ever since I heard it) he told me that one of his clients (a nurse) told him that a woman came to the hospital; had a big drape covering her in front and had something obviously between her and the drape---turns out it was her dog...with whom she had gotten "locked up" while having sex with the animal...Guess she said if I'm going to date a dog, I'll date a real one... How's that for standards... I know it's true b/c as all women know everything you learn in a hair salon is true--and who can make this sh!t up.

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Deadhead

OK I am gonna take a stand for all men out there. What the hell is wrong with wiping your plate with a biscuit anyway? Maybe he was still hungry...maybe just maybe he was taught not to waste. And the guy that couldn't dress...He was probably a nice guy, just a little out of touch with fashion. And the guy who was belching all the time?... I always say burp and taste it fart and waste it!

And men are always the ones that get pegged as "shallow"??

Oh yeah horrible date story...

I was doing some carpentry work in a nursing home...cute nurse happens to start work there. I ask her out for dinner, she says yes...I pick her up we get something to eat, and in the car ride she starts singing disney songs...LOUDLY. I don't know if she was trying to impress me or what but I had to hold back my laughter. Then she asks me to pull into this park that is on the way. I oblige...she wants to play on the playground. Like monkey bars and swings and shit. Now I have a young daughter, so I am used to the playground, but not really for a first date. So we get back in the car I am gonna take her home and I notice the worst case of dandruff on this poor girl. Total turnoff. (See I am shallow) So I drop her off and before she gets out she just stares at me for a few seconds and then asks..."Aren't you gonna kiss me?" HUH? Why would I wanna do that? I felt like a was on a date in like 8th grade. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and she finally left.

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catiesmom

That's funny. See, it can happen to guys too!

Tell me you don't actually SAY that about farts.... outloud!! :rolleyes:

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