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davidis

Success Dating with Herpes

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Anon222

Thanks for the positive outlook!

Do you mind sharing how your disclosures go? What you say exactly?

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PositiveMONA

Thanks for your sharing. May I know where do you usually find a date? The people you met were good. Because not all general people completely don't CARE about herpes.

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davidis
On 1/5/2019 at 2:57 AM, Anon222 said:

Thanks for the positive outlook!

Do you mind sharing how your disclosures go? What you say exactly?

Sure! Usually I disclose right before things get to that intimate stage - I'll usually say something like "hey, just a heads up I do get herpes-coldsores - so we should use protection." That's only if the date's going REALLY well lol, I also let partners know right away before things start moving too fast in those moments - I feel that if you wait too long to say anything, it feels manipulative - kind of like you're trying to sneak it by someone in the heat of the moment. You should say it firmly and clearly - but it really doesn't have to be a conversation unless they have questions or seem uncomfortable about it.

This hasn't ever led to a rejection for me yet - it definitely does lead to conversations afterwards though, so just know your stuff and assure them that there's always a risk with anyone you meet and that condoms are your friend :yum:. As much as it can suck to have herpes, you still have the advantage of knowing what to look out for and to abstain when you need to.

I'll always assure people that no matter what, whether it's you or someone else - there is always, always a risk of STIs - it's just luck of the draw, and it's really not a big deal at all. To be honest, this kind of thinking doesn't just work for me in terms of dating, a lot of my long-term partners have seen this as a sign of confidence and it has really worked in my favour - so I can't recommend it enough.

Also I apologize for the late response - it's been a very busy couple of months at a new job I started :sleeping:.

Edited by davidis

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davidis
On 1/7/2019 at 10:04 PM, PositiveMONA said:

Thanks for your sharing. May I know where do you usually find a date? The people you met were good. Because not all general people completely don't CARE about herpes.

Not sure how I could best answer that - the people I meet are through friends, through hobbies (I play in a band) sometimes through social media. If you meet someone who cares a lot about your herpes, that would itself be a huge turnoff for me. Shows me that they're closed minded, or paranoid about their own health. That's not fun.

It also shows that they're already unsure of you as a person and are using it as a reason to say no - which probably means they're not right for you in the first place.

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Constant Diplomat

My experience with women has been exactly the same to be honest. Though I am sure my disclosure approach is somewhat different in the words we choose and how we explain our experience with the condition, essentially the KEY point davidis makes, is that you need to disclose with confidence, and good posture. A persons response, about this or any subject really, will to at least some degree be a reflection of how you represent it.

I've had success disclosing to women I thought had potential for relationships, and never been turned down. Some of those did turn into relationships, some did not, usually because of my lack of interest. Most, if not all bar one, I slept with. I've dialed back the more casual sex things, but having said that, I've still disclosed and had casual sex too. Just not as often.

Emotional acceptance and understanding of your own condition with (or without) herpes is the key to making it all happen. Also, I think to a degree it comes down to the kind of women you're dating, and pursuing.  In my cynical worldview, I kind of believe that a lot of people don't actually pay genuine attention to the human in front of them- people need to genuinely try and connect, and feel something, and in this sense, I think the words we use are less relevant than the body language we portray, for our body language when it's honest, is a direct reflection of our subconscious mind, our confidence, our true feelings in a situation. Is the woman in front of you looking for a boyfriend who fits a mould, or is she looking into you with interest- and the same question stands for you. Do you see something in that person, or do you just see a person you think can offer you something you think you want. 

Many people focus wrongly on how to disclose and how to convince people to date them, but the big curve is learning within yourself to be at peace and understanding with herpes and how it effects you. Then, you will have a more measured emotional response to the herpes, and a more pragmatic approach to dealing with it. Disclosure follows with calm and confidence.

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meg2

I know this post is from a while ago but it has really helped me through! I am 5 months in and i haven’t dated or had sex since finding out. I have disclosed to a few guys, only one stopped talking to me but he was kind of a douche to begin with anyways. The other guys really didn’t care. I still worry about future relationships, especially because i want to get married and have kids. I’m also pretty asymptomatic so far, so i only take my meds if needed. I know that there’s still a risk and condoms will def be my friend lol. 

But this post was awesome, thank u for sharing and that there is hope! :)

Edited by meg2

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Tulip79
6 hours ago, meg2 said:

I know this post is from a while ago but it has really helped me through! I am 5 months in and i haven’t dated or had sex since finding out. I have disclosed to a few guys, only one stopped talking to me but he was kind of a douche to begin with anyways. The other guys really didn’t care. I still worry about future relationships, especially because i want to get married and have kids. I’m also pretty asymptomatic so far, so i only take my meds if needed. I know that there’s still a risk and condoms will def be my friend lol. 

But this post was awesome, thank u for sharing and that there is hope! :)

Meg, yes it is a very good post.  Sounds like you are doing much better.  You will be ready to put yourself out there soon.  No doubt will be accepted, and find the "One".

Edited by Tulip79

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