Are 50+ men looking for more than sex in a relationship?

[Jules1967]

I started dating a guy who is 51 and disclosed my diagnosis of HSV2 after date 2. We hit it off right away which is the first time I’ve ever disclosed it since I’ve become widowed 4 years ago and he became widowed a year and a half ago.  He said he researched it and was fine. We talked about being careful and using condoms which we used every time which was about 15 times in 6 weeks. All of a sudden he put the brakes on and said he couldn’t get over his hang up.   So is this what I’m in for with men this age...sex is more important than the actual great relationship itself?  

[CookieSC]

I've disclosed my HSV2 status to potential sexual partners 7 times.  I was rejected twice.  Two potential partners disclosed being HSV2 positive to me (one before I disclosed, one after.) Three times, my HSV status was not a problem. 

I entered into committed relationships with four of the 7 men to whom I disclosed my status.  Those four relationships ended as a result of other issues not related to HSV2. Actually, after I disclosed my status and we entered into a relationship, H was a non-issue with any of the men.  In addition, I was able to come as close to forgetting I was HSV2 positive as I was before contracting it, even with the men who didn't have (or didn't know they had) HSV2. 

Sex was important to all of these men who ranged in age from 56 to 64.  Sex is still important to me and I'm a woman in my late 50s.  Sex doesn't have to be absent or even diminished because of age or HSV status.  In fact, depending on each person's attitude towards sex and H, sex can be incredible, fun, passionate, and just as frequent, fulfilling, and carefree as it was before getting the diagnosis.     

Everybody's different in how they react.  I feel incredibly lucky that I had three partners who weren't worried about contracting it.  It didn't impact anything in any of those relationships. Sex was frequent and no one was worried.  I did suspect that two of my partners in those relationships were a little bit reluctant to give oral sex as a result, but we never really discussed it.  I didn't want them to do anything they didn't want to do, and some men don't like giving oral sex regardless of the presence of HSV.  I did take Valacyclovir and was vigilant about symptoms. Is it possible that they, too, were HSV2 and just didn't say anything?  I suppose so, but that's their story to tell.  I'd feel morally obligated to disclose even if someone disclosed to me first...and I have. 

Rejection is the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with since getting HSV2. I have had very few OBs in the several years that I've had it.  The first was awful, but subsequent OBs were barely noticeable.  I'm lucky, in that regard.  I can tell a partner that it isn't a big deal...but that's only my experience.  Their experience with having it might be totally different.  I encouraged my potential partners to do some research and decide if it's something they are comfortable with before they accept me or reject me as a sexual partner. I also ask them to be absolutely certain that they can fully accept this part of me, because I don't want it to be used as an excuse, or worse, a weapon, if the relationship starts to fail.   

Edited August 10, 2019 by CookieSC
reduce specificity of personal information

[Tulip79]

Thanks for your story.  I have been on hold for about 9 years.  I have went on a few dates lately, trying to figure it out.

[CookieSC]

6 hours ago, Tulip79 said:

Thanks for your story.  I have been on hold for about 9 years.  I have went on a few dates lately, trying to figure it out.

I'm glad you're going on dates.  Being without a partner and avoiding going on dates felt worse to me than the sting of getting rejected.  I have no regrets.  I'm getting much better about having "the talk"!

[Lostone2018]

On 1/27/2019 at 9:14 PM, Jules1967 said:

I started dating a guy who is 51 and disclosed my diagnosis of HSV2 after date 2. We hit it off right away which is the first time I’ve ever disclosed it since I’ve become widowed 4 years ago and he became widowed a year and a half ago.  He said he researched it and was fine. We talked about being careful and using condoms which we used every time which was about 15 times in 6 weeks. All of a sudden he put the brakes on and said he couldn’t get over his hang up.   So is this what I’m in for with men this age...sex is more important than the actual great relationship itself?  

Sexually ...I.am.not 20 anymore although I.am.fit.

I like the bonding touching kissing deeper more meaningful.journey...the connection...My testosterone has been lower than a 70 year old since.age 40.

Down side is also I.work.over 300 days a year , 14 hour shifts days/nights and 45 weekends a.year....

So its more about communication ...and connection when together.

How do.we balance life between relationship...family, work, health...joy. 

Yes...we exist....eyes words touch..

Only thing is ...my skin on my face feels like constant prodrome every minute for last two years so i am very afraid to kiss for fear of spreading HSV...

So.I.am.so.alone ..

[g0dh8sme]

I am a 55 year old male with HSV2 I don't want just sex I don't want to grow old alone.

[BlindedCat]

I am having all these same fears - being alone. However, I have read a lot about so called Herpes dating sites - one shares your profile with HIV positives as well as Herpes! Has anyone been on any of these sites and is it a good a idea or not. Afraid, from what I have read, that some use it as a reason they can use it to find hook-ups only. I am 58 and divorced...I want someone to spend my life with, not just a sex partner..

[CHT]

On 7/14/2021 at 5:47 AM, BlindedCat said:

I am having all these same fears - being alone. However, I have read a lot about so called Herpes dating sites - one shares your profile with HIV positives as well as Herpes! Has anyone been on any of these sites and is it a good a idea or not. Afraid, from what I have read, that some use it as a reason they can use it to find hook-ups only. I am 58 and divorced...I want someone to spend my life with, not just a sex partner..

Hi "blindedcat"  I tried the "Positive" dating sites years ago and found the same thing which was there were also a lot of HIV+ folks on there too.... not sure why they don't separate the groups (HIV, HPV, HSV, etc) but, at the time I was first trying the sites, I was still dealing with the shock of finding out I had HSV2 and just could not take the chance of dating someone with HIV too.... I know that's horrible of me to do that since it could still all could have worked out but, I was just too paranoid about contracting HIV.... HSV2 was already more than I could handle!   I did date a few people I met on the site and became friends with a few but, unfortunately, I never met "the one"..... a year or two later I met "the one" via the old fashioned way..... someone introduced me to someone.... I disclosed my status early (pre-sex).... no problem there so, that was a good start then I suggested they get an HSV2 test just in case they already had it.... and sure enough they did (they never have symptoms, ever!).... problem solved!  I considered it luck but, the reality is about 12% of the US population has HSV2 and most don't even know it.....hope you have good luck on the sites or wherever you decide to search for that special person!