A Bedtime Story

[Guest Anonymous]

Dear All (esp. Faith, Nik, Rich et al, keep up the good work!)

There?s sex, sadness, struggle, adventure and hopefully freedom below, and I?ll be asking for your support at the end, so thanks for listening!

Let?s get the formalities out of the way. Mid-thirties male, worked around the world, enjoys a wild party dancing on tables, but also a quiet night in with a book, some classical music and an herbal tea.

Christmas party, December just past. Spent the evening drinking and dancing with a lovely lady with a promise to reconnect. Later that week we did just that. Too much to drink and fell into bed together. Used a condom. However, here is where it gets tricky. Forgive my off-color language, but let?s put this down to a shocking case of drunken bad aim. Yours truly managed to take part in some completely unanticipated anal sex and broke the condom. (This has never happened to me before, and I am looking for someone, anyone, to tell me that this not the stupidest thing they have ever heard. I berate myself constantly for my idiocy, but I digress)

36 hours later and I knew I was in trouble. After a check by my regular doctor and a dermatologist, I was told things were inconclusive. Seeing this as a reprieve of sorts, I did a lot of prodding and touching (it?s my nature, sadly) only to find burning fingers, lips and nose (along with a cold sore on the face) had been added to the equation. Another trip to the two docs and I am being told I have what is conclusive below the waist, but that I have coincidentally put my back out (tingling fingers) and picked up a bacterial infection on my lips and nose. Can?t say I believe that! Anyway, a type specific blood test came back negative to both types so it?s definitely a recent infection, and a result of my last encounter. I hadn?t had sex in many months before that.

Where am I now you might ask? I am in a dark place. I have been down before, but this has pulled me right under. The old me is dying on the vine. Every day is a struggle. I look for comfort in the eyes of strangers and find emptiness, or worse, silent judgment. I have thought about ending it all. Too often. I fall asleep fitfully and wake to the shocking disappointment that this is not a dream. My heart sinks. I am sure many of us have been there, even if just briefly.

However, I have found out who my true friends are. A small, but loving group of people have formed a tight circle of love around me and will not let me go. A sibling told me I have softened, that she finally knows her big brother loves her. A friend says that I will look back on this and see it as a positive turning point in my life. My mother says I will know how to truly love and know what it means to be loved.

It hasn?t sunk in now, but a tiny, almost inaudible voice very deep inside me tells me to keep listening. And keep pushing. I am still working, still traveling, still doing what has to be done, and hoping that things will slowly get better. That one day I will again enjoy a sunset, wind in my hair, warm sun on my face, and the sand between my toes. That all my hard work to get to this point in my life has not been for nothing.

Physically, I have electricity running in my veins. Burning sensations, tingling, pain, lymph nodes up and down like crazy (anyone else get all this in the beginning?) This damn virus is the devil incarnate.

Emotionally, I feel like a vampire. The dark gift. And any who foolishly enter my domain will feel my teeth upon their necks and be brought kicking and screaming into the netherworld.

And my maker? Well, she afterwards complained of feeling ?yeasty? on the night in question, but she has never had an issue with this before and therefore it?s nothing to do with her. ?Well, you have been very stressed lately, you know.? The worst thing is if she passes it on to someone else, she will probably blame me. But I have said all I can.

I am not sure where it all leads, but thanks for listening. The posts here make me smile, cry and belong.

Advice (lots please!) on any of the above would be terrific. It?s all still new to me, and I am trying my utmost to stay sane.

I?ve heard it said that any deep wound should be thought of as a door and it is here that your soul must exit to find true happiness and light. I am searching my soul and trying to find the key to that door. It?s a small needle in a big haystack, but I will find it.

Love,

Ash

[Faith]

Hi Ash,

I'm trying to show you "how" to get over the situation you have now, by explaining how I did.

But recently... my problem is, that I can't even trace how I got to this point....

But.. at the same time, that's how much I've changed and become unbelievably happy after getting over difficulties, especially herpes........

Probably... what you're feeling right now is very similar to when I was suffering from eating disorder when I was young. I think that was the time I was suicidal the most. Everyday, I wished if everything was just a dream. I was fat, and I saw silent judgement in people's eyes ( sometimes they weren't silent ). Everyday, I felt down... felt like I couldn't breathe... As I woke up in the morning, I felt like crying already, felt "this f**kin' body's still alive.....".

When I found out that I had genital herpes, I had many other problems already. (gosh I was messed up LOL) I was crying everyday, but I didn't even know what I was crying about exactly. I guess it was time for me to change and grow, finally.

As you did some already... you'll discover so many precious things which you couldn't even see before.

We've got tons of informations in the society... sex, money, rights, freedom..etc. It's just overwhelming, we've got caught up with that. We are blindfold by that, and we even don't know the true value of things around us..

But when we are given this kind of thing which is beyond our control like herpes, we've come to face who we really are for the first time. And, this is our chance to examine our life, and change it into better direction. And don't miss out this opportunity! This can truly make you happier than you were before you got herpes.

Think, and be aware of what you do, what you say all the time. Accept all the things that happened to you. You'll soon find who you really are. And it would be different from who you think you are right now.

When you finally get over this, that's the time you start finding something new in what you already know. This world is not gonna be what you think it is right now. You're gonna find new values in things. You'll find new meanings in the sentences of the book you read now. The classical music will sound differently, more beautifully. And even the herbal tea will taste new and better...

That's how things will actually happen, if you use this opportunity to grow as a person.

Well... it may not be a practical advice... but... these are the words I can find for you right now..

Just hang in..., then,

I?ve heard it said that any deep wound should be thought of as a door and it is here that your soul must exit to find true happiness and light. I am searching my soul and trying to find the key to that door. It?s a small needle in a big haystack' date=' but I will find it.[/quote']

You'll find it.. <smile>

Best wishes..

Faith

[Guest Anonymous]

Thanks Faith, it is very nice to know you are out there! I am travelling today and really freaking out at the moment. I guess the paranoia will wear off, but I keep thinking every five seconds that something will break out on my face or down below. Was that a tingle? It's driving me mad. I also have a big "get together" with many old friends later this week, all but one of whom are not aware of my new situation. I want to feel normal around them and I know it's going to be very hard for me. I know what you all are going to say, but I'd love some comforting advice anyway!

Still looking for that key!

Ash

[Faith]

Still looking for that key!

Probably it'll take a while. But you will find it.

Just don't try to cover up your feeling. Any feeling. If you feel sad, face the sadness, and think about why you feel sad. You feel mad, face it, and think why you are mad.

Funny thing is.... you already have answer to it. But it's just the matter of... if you can admit it or not. And things like herpes make you very honest with yourself, and you'll be able to accept how you are, easily.

Believe me, you will then start appreciating everything about you, including herpes. You may feel that getting herpes is the best thing that happened to you.

Just don't give up! <smile!>

Faith

[Lasmom]

Ash,

As I only have a few moments I can't say all, I'm sure my friends here will cover most of the bases. I would just like to tell you that in reading your post, you seem like an intelligent, thoughtful person who will conquer any mountain in your way. I have Faith in that where others have seem so much more lost at this stage. I commend you.

As for the anal sex part (how could I let an opportunity to talk about this slide!!) You are not at all alone. As a woman, many times I have encountered a "slip" if you will. But only close encounters... a girl needs to be very selective where a torn condom is not a rarety in an area such as that. SO don't feel alone. I may not be a man, but as far as body mechanics go, a slip is all it takes.....

My best wishes as you come to terms with this. I hope that as things settle you will find some sort of peace which will ease your OBs. I pray to God the rest is in fact just the "bacterial infection".

My best to you.

Lasmom

[MC37 Pilot]

However, I have found out who my true friends are. A small, but loving group of people have formed a tight circle of love around me and will not let me go. A sibling told me I have softened, that she finally knows her big brother loves her. A friend says that I will look back on this and see it as a positive turning point in my life. My mother says I will know how to truly love and know what it means to be loved.

This is the best part of the whole thing... An opportunity to think in a way you never did before...

Refocus and start moving forward again... Not neccessarily in a new direction, but moving forward with a better foundation of what is important in life...

some completely unanticipated anal sex and

lol... this one time I was....... Oh nevermind.... that story is for a different message board...

I think once the physical stuff eases down, you will be a lot better off emotionally..

Since the type specific blood test came back negative, clearly your body has not yet built up a resistance to the virus. Once that happens... and your outbreaks become way less frequent etc... That takes the condition off the front page of your daily life and emotionally you will be able to put it behind you when you aren't outbreaking constantly.

Just a little time... It gets way easier!!!!

fhl,

nik

[Guest Anonymous]

Thanks to all. I have taken these words of encouragement to heart.

Nik, I don't want to turn this into an altogether different message board, as you note, but I am assuming that you relate to my story of 'bad aim'! Makes me feel better about things -- well, a tiny little bit anyway!

Ash

[MC37 Pilot]

relate to my story of 'bad aim'

Well shit (no pun intended) Both holes are so damn close together!!!!!

[Lasmom]

Well shit (no pun intended) Both holes are so damn close together!!!!!

Boy, blunt honesty Nik... so unlike you!

[MC37 Pilot]

[Guest Anonymous]

Well, here I am on the last day of my biz trip before returning home. Can I just say that my head is still all over the place with this thing. Here's a philosophical question:

I think one big issue I am having with all this is the loss of "sexual tension." Let me explain.

At the deepest root of our beings, I think it's in all of our natures to have a constantly active "sexual personality", whatever you want to call it. It's really a subliminal conversation we have with other human beings on a sexual level. And it happens with everyone you meet or are around, at least to some degree. Maybe Austen Powers would call it his "mojo". I've found this part of me is paralysed. The conversation has ceased. I think it's because the message I transmit is confused. It's kind of like trying to have "that talk" on a subconcious level. Your body won't or can't do it, and the receiver of the message gets a jumbled sense anyway. In the end, I think your sexual subconcious just ceases to function, at least function normally. This is sad, becuase I think it is really an essential part of maleness or femaleness.

What do people think? It could well be that I am just slowly going insane due to all this.

Ash

[MC37 Pilot]

And it happens with everyone you meet or are around, at least to some degree. Maybe Austen Powers would call it his "mojo". I've found this part of me is paralysed. The conversation has ceased. I think it's because the message I transmit is confused. It's kind of like trying to have "that talk" on a subconcious level. Your body won't or can't do it, and the receiver of the message gets a jumbled sense anyway. In the end, I think your sexual subconcious just ceases to function, at least function normally

Well... when I first got HSV, I felt that my sexual mojo was gone...

But now... I go about sex differently... I go about relationships differently, but even though I don't know what 'mojo' REALLY is, I do know that I feel as complete and vivacious as ever.

So I understand what you feel, but would just suggest that you have the ability to get your mojo back if you want to.

[Guest Anonymous]

Nik, I'd be interested in hearing more about how you go about sex and relationships differently. It would be a huge help to me.

Ash

[MC37 Pilot]

Nik, I'd be interested in hearing more about how you go about sex and relationships differently. It would be a huge help to me.

Oh boy... This would be a long story....

HSV changed so much for me... um where to start..

How I view/go about relationships differently... (I'll save the sex part for later)

First, I had to recognize that since I had HSV, sex was no longer my way into relationships...

I use to judge relationships by physical contact... ie, first base, second base, etc etc... I got hsv when I was 21 (I'm 29 now) So at that point in my life, marriage was something you did when you met a chic that was so hot that you wanted to have sex with her every night for the rest of your life. My view of marriage and relationships all revolved around sex.

But when I got HSV, I knew that kind of view wouldn't work for me anymore... I kinda started looking for something that I could hold on to. Something that I had to offer, cause before, the physical contact of a relationship was what I had to offer so I thought.

I learned to that love was the only way in and out of a relationship, and that my value in a relationship was my capability to love... And the fact that I could still have an almost normal sex life was then added bonus.

I like this quote from one of my favorite books:

There will come a time in your life when all you can do is love. You will have done all you can do, tried all you can try, hurt all you can hurt, given up so many times that love will be the only way in or out.

So I then became very focused on being a loving person in a relationship... Did that for 6 years after getting HSV, and still felt a little empty.. 6 or 7 serious relationships that were close to what felt right, but that I KNEW were not 'it' so I kept ending them.

I was so tired of not making a good emotional connection... That's when it kinda hit me that I was going into a relationship looking for love. Not being love first. When you go looking for love, you get sucked in to the first person you are attracted to that has the same void you do. And 2 voids don't make anything. Once in the relationshps, I turned on the love faucet, but only found that it all went down the drain, and that you just can't love enough to make things work.

So then I stopped looking for love from a single person in a relationship, and realized that I could love my family, and my friends and how fulfilling it was to not just save love for a hit-or-miss relationship, but to enjoy love with everyone you know. Not just the one person you are dating.

That's when I found my favorite book "in the meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant and EVERYTHING clicked into place...

I already had recognized that love was it for me. Its was I wanted, and what I was capable of, but that book put all these random thoughts I had that I couldn't really get all focused in the same direction, and everything clicked.

The epiphany for me (and I just broke down in tears when I read this in the book because I KNEW it was true) was this:

"YOU are the love you seek. YOU are the companionship you desire. YOU are your own completeion, your own wholeness, YOU are your besta friend, your confidant. YOU ARE the one that you are looking for. YOU ARE the ONLY ONE who can do what you are looking for someone else to do"

And it was like damn.. All this time, I went to a relationship looking for love, and never finding enough, or what I wanted, but burning up every ounce of emotional gas I had trying. It made me cry, cause for so long, I was feeling so empty, and so NEEDY and wanting to be loved, and knowing that I needed to love myself was not some big shock, I mean it made sense... But knowing that all my heartbreak, and everything that I had been thru JUST wanting to feel love, and all along, I was so looking in the wrong place.. it was so sad, but then again, so happy because I knew I had found the key I was missing... Then a little sad, like OK, NOW HOW do I do that (love myself)

I use to go to a relationship thinking that if I threw love at it, it would return love to me... But loving JUST so you will be loved back is NOT love, its NEEDY!!!

Now don't get me wrong... I still fight EVERY day to remind myself that I am the only one who can make myself happy, and that the only way that I will feel love is by loving myself FIRST. Its SO tempting to get down on yourself, and go looking for someone else to bring you up. Someone to love you so you'll feel better. But it just doesn't work that way.

SO I learned to love myself, and found that when I do, I'm so happy, and ONLY when I'm happy can I UNSELFISHLY give love to other people, which I was no longer going to limit to my girlfriends, but I was going to share with my family, my sisters, my brother, my friends, people I meet... Strangers... etc...

And then every once in a while, I meet someone who is just drawn to my love, and I'm drawn to theirs, and that's how I end up in a relationship...

But even if I'm not in a relationship, I feel SOOOO empowered KNOWING how great love is, and being a loving person.

SO to me, (to reference previous posts in this thread) mojo isn't just sex drive, its love drive. And while I wish to be as humble about it as possible, I feel like I am REALLY getting a hang of the whole love thing. And that gives me great confidence, it gives me faith, and hope, and a smile. And when people respond to love that you have with love that they have... Its awesome. And I feel like I'm grasping what it takes to tap into the love pie that exists in life, and THAT feels very empowering

If that's not mojo, I don't know what is.

Oh, and the sex thing...

I approach that differently, because sex became something that I wanted to share, and really only felt like sharing with a person who I had REALLY made an incredible connection with. Someone that was honest with me, and likewise, I was with them. Someone that you can expose yourself to without smoke and mirrors... Without screens or filters.. Someone that you can just truly be wide open and honest with (which requires being honest with yourself first) and when you reach that point, the sex thing is great. And the little details about dealing with sex having HSV... Ah... that's no big deal at all, and something that in each relationship me and whoever I'm committed to talk about and decide how we are going to do things... Sometimes I wear a condom every time, some relationships we decided to just accept the risk and avoid sex during an outbreak... But anyway..

I'm not really sure if this is what you meant by wondering how I approach relationships and sex differently, but anywya...

nik

[Lasmom]

I'm drawn to it litlle brother!!!!!

You got it down - I'm glad to know you for it....

All my best...

[Guest Anonymous]

Nik

That's a fantastic reply. Thanks for taking the time. I can tell you one thing for sure, I am a world away from loving myself at the moment and certainly can find some historical significance in your words about being needy and looking for physical contact to fill a void. In fact, that is why I ended up in this situation. I need to change. I know that. I knew that before.

I am a mid-thirties male. I always hung my hat on the fact that I was successful, attractive, funny, but I needed physical contact to support this belief. It was a theory that needed to be tested regularly. If I could get a pretty girl interested in me physically, hey, it must be true. Right? Wrong. I know that.

Here I am, I had just quit everything and decided to live on a beach, and then this happens. And it really happened. Not just 'down there',

but on the lips and fingers as well.

I am struggling to finish up at work, relocate and also deal with this, all at the same time. More so, the girl in question is working in the same office, and not taking any responsibility for the incident. She is fine, she just gets yeasty from time to time.

My body has gone nuts. Pain every day. I hope it calms down soon. Wow. I thought H was all about cold sores. Who knew?

And all I can think is that I worked so damned hard to get to this point just to have my dream snatched away in the final run home.

In short, your words made me cry. In a very good way, and I will be back tomorrow to re-read them. I know there is hope, and that life will be 'normal' again, whit just seems so far away.

So right this very moment, I am off to farewell drinks with the whole office, and the girl in question will be present. My speech: "I have memories from this company that will be with me forever. More than you could ever know."

Words to that effect. Wish me luck.

Thanks again, Nik. And everyone. You are providing me with incredible support.

Love,

Ash

[MC37 Pilot]

No problem. I do strongly recommend that book. It was an awesome read for me.

Just from the sounds of things, I think you'd like it too.

There was no strange concepts, or masterful revelations... Just kinda took everything I believe, but wasn't confident in enough to 'live by' and fortified those beliefs... made me confident in them enough to live my life by them, and that made a huge difference.

anyway...

good luck!

fhl,

nik

[Lasmom]

And all I can think is that I worked so damned hard to get to this point just to have my dream snatched away in the final run home.

Ash, I'm not sure what your dream was, but I'm sure it's still in your sights, just a little foggy. I can't believe it has been snatched away for good, I hope not. I'm sorry your outbreaks are so crazy right now, that sucks, but the person you were IS the person you are and will continue to be - unless of course you were a male prostitute that may change!!!

This may have just been a reality slap for your sexual behavior - was for me. Now you can focus on you and your loved ones, and your career, and it's forcing you to stop the insanity of looking for the "pretty girls".

Don't take my sarcasm to heart, I try to see things in a different way - and laugh at myself (to keep from crying)

All my best for your new beginning.

Lasmom

[Guest Anonymous]

Thanks, nik!

I'm not logged in, but just wanted to quickly post how powerful I found your post above, MC37 Pilot, about how you go about sex and relationships differently. You are one heck of a guy! Thanks so much for taking the time to write that. It made me think about how I am approaching my new relationship. I think I'll pick up that book : ) And Ash, I feel for you. I sure hope you get physical and emotional relief soon. I think you've found a goldmine in this website.

Palomita

[Guest Anonymous]

Thanks Palomita,

I've been reading back over a few of your posts and you seem like a very kind person. I think you are right, though, the folks here are certainly a wealth of support and information.

Personally, I've arrived at my new home, completing my relocation across the world today. I am filled with a mixture of peace (it's so beautiful here) and sadness (I had to bring it with me)

I almost thought that when I stepped off the plane I would somehow leave it behind, but alas, if you were in my body right now, you'd know that wasn't the case.

Still, there's plenty to keep me busy with setting up a new home, and here I am, so I will think as little as possible about it and enjoy an evening stroll on the beach for starters.

Nik, I think I will have some photos to match yours in the very near future!

Love All

Ash

[Lasmom]

Ash,

Sounds like a great new beginning! Enjoy that beach for us!

Wishing you peace,

Lasmom

[Palomita]

Congratulations on your beautiful new surroundings, Ash. I hope you find all measures of peace and happiness there in time : ) Palomita