Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group
Sign in to follow this  
skydreams

Ranting

Recommended Posts

skydreams

I refuse to have a breakdown about this, I've already had 2 from moving and being broken up with. All I did with my first breakdown besides yelling and crying was throw a small table and some plates, but with breakup one I destroyed half my stuff and barely stopped short of hurting myself. Quite frankly, I'm afraid of how my anger manifested itself so easily last time, and how good I felt when I got carried away with it. Now that I found out that the man who just doesn't love me back anymore gave me herpes, I get to think of him every single day, and in the worst and most painful ways possible.

There ought to be a 'you break it, you buy it' policy when it comes to std spreading. Forget the fact that I'm an extremely sexual person and now my sex life is forever dependent on whether or not my 'paper cut in a bad place' shows up, now I just don't see what guy in his right mind would want to get involved with someone that could spread a lifelong crotch itch problem and a Valtrex bill.

I'm 25 and I've only been with two people, I've always protected myself, I've always been the good girl, all I've ever wanted was to have a family. Now I feel like it's all over. Not like life is over, but the life I always wanted is over.

I don't even see how I could be effective in educating anyone and explain that use of condoms and washing right after could protect them from it... I used a f*ing condom and washed immediately after too, and my ex never even knew he had herpes and hadn't even had (and to my knowledge still has not) had an OB. I've always had great luck. I'm buying me a power ball ticket today, I do great against the odds it seems.

At some point when I first found out, I was so depressed that I had a knot in my chest and had trouble breathing, and the only person I wanted to talk to was my ex. He couldn't even be troubled to give me a half an hour, when everything that's weighing down on me right now happened directly for or because OF him. Who the hell apologizes deeply twice, says they hope I can forgive them, and then doesn't even find time to talk to the person they gave a f*ing std to?

I just wish I had a rewind button. I was so happy this time last year.

I'm sorry, but this rant isn't gonna have a positive spin at the end. There's no way I can fake that right now without another shopping spree, and the printer is out of green ink at this point.

I know the easiest way to has out my feelings is to have a breakdown about it and throw a thing or two, watch some sad movies, etc, but I'm honestly afraid I'd hurt myself or break something extremely expensive. I'm very good at keeping myself from raging now, but I'm getting worse at controlling myself whenever I do get to that point.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BoxofRain

Is there anyone you would ever feel comfortable talking about this to anyone, other than the ex? If you ever do feel comfortable talking to someone you know and feel they will keep this secret then it is the best thing you can do because it lets you vent, have someone listen and hopefully if they are a decent human being, they will be able to empathize with you about everything you are going through. I am very close in age to you and i have never had a day without some symptoms or cuts, or weird redness/rash etc. in over 2 straight years since being diagnosed with this......some days I used to think about suicide( a place pre H i would have never considered in a million years....thinking it was selfish and horrible), other days i see the beauty that exists aside from this body hell i feel i am in....i have tried a lot of alternative things, cant tolerate valtrex at all....and feel i will never lead a normal life because having herpes is bad enough and having to think about the future telling someone is scary but if you get herpes outbreaks like a normal person then there is a lot of time in between without symptoms and it is easier to tell a potential partners you have herpes and get outbreaks sometimes, but it is unthinkable to expect anyone would want to be with someone who says "hey, I have herpes and for some reason it is always on my skin and never will go away for longer than a day, so do you want to date? its a guarantee you will get it"

so imagine how horrible my predicament is.....i am not in any way making light of your situation. I also acquired this 3 years into a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend who never had a symptom and never knew it was even a possiblity that he could have been carrying it. I have not slept with a lot of people at all either and have only had 2 serious boyfriends in my life....one when i was aged 17-20 and then aged 20 to current, with the one who gave this to me. So i feel your pain about odds and how unfair it is....but you will find you are not alone and most people on this board are people who feel so slighted that this happened to them because they thought they were careful. It just goes to show herpes does not discriminate and all those "high risk" types of people and behaviors people associate negatively with herpes does not speak for a large majority of the people who actually have herpes....it is a horrible stigma and misconception that there are a certain "type" of people who get herpes.....anyone who has sexual contact, even one time, can get it.

Anyhow, after my long post so far, which started with a point.....got lost along the way about explaining my own situation....

:) my point finally, is that as hard as it seems and while it takes a long time to adjust to not being able to lead the "idea" of the life you always wanted (one of the hardest things for me to accept as well) is that no matter how bad it seems, in time things will get a little better and your life will unfold how it was meant to.....and yes it will not be the life you always imagined but if you have some hope left in your heart I truly believe in the end you will live a good life...just a little different, with a few more obstacles than you originally had always pictured. We are young, perhaps that is why this is even harder on people like us, but there is a whole world of life outside waiting for us in a million other non sexual ways to focus on until our life naturally takes the turn and time when we are mentally and physically ready to venture into the future world of dating(and yes I truly believe in the future, once you have accepted this, and moved on a bit, that you wil find someone who will accept and love you no matter what)

I hope that me telling you about my severiity and horribly bizarre way that my life and symptoms have been since getting this can show you that it is possible to make it through day by day even when facing such horrible circumstances....i am still here afterall, though many times i was not sure i would be....but my point is that even with this shit on my body EVERY single day of my life and no one person/doctor being able to tell me why or explain it, i am now at a point where i am accepting of it, wish it was different, but am not ready to give up on life because i am faced with this extreme challenge.....its taken me 2 and a half years to get to this point. There is too much i want to do on this earth, in this life and while it is the hardest, most trying thing to live with herpes the way i experience it, i have decided i will live to the best of my ability and work with what positives i do have. I see a naturopathic doctor who has helped me wonderfully with a remedy for depression and anxiety from having this, which got me out of my darkest suicidal days of my life last winter when i just felt i did not have the will to live anymore like this....and i am so thankful i tried one last thing and it showed me some sunlight. I now have hope and want you to know there are peope out here who understand...and if you ever want to talk private message me anytime....i check this every few days. I am here and it might help to talk to me since we are so close in age and understand what it is like living today our ages.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sweetness

Wow, your post has really inspired me. i am as well in my early 20's (23) I have the same feelings as you do about this. Everyday I try to just cope with what life has brought my way (Hsv), and everyday I do not give up! I keep trying to do what ever I can to make this situation in my life better and for some reason I have never given up hope to fight this awful condition, hope is what keeps me happy and keeps me going everyday. Hope and everyone on this forum is what keeps from feeling ashamed everyday.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
luv2dancebas
There ought to be a 'you break it, you buy it' policy when it comes to std spreading. Forget the fact that I'm an extremely sexual person and now my sex life is forever dependent on whether or not my 'paper cut in a bad place' shows up, now I just don't see what guy in his right mind would want to get involved with someone that could spread a lifelong crotch itch problem and a Valtrex bill.

I have to agree with you, I too think there should be a break buy it policy. I'm not sure just yet who gave me this it's one of two guys. Guy one is going on Friday to get tested and we should know soon enough. But he called me everything short of a whore when I told him and then proceeded to offend me by telling me he can't believe he would have anything like this because he takes care of himself. Like I don't I go to the gym several times a week and eat healthy. Jackass!! Guy two is in denial, says he's scared but knows he has to go. If I don't drag him there he will never go unless his girlfriend breaksout!! Let's see him explain that one.

I getted depressed a lot too thinking that I'm going to be alone forever because I don't believe anyone would want to get involved with someone knowing they could get a STI. I get sad to think that I may not be able to allow anyone to touch me cause I feel so dirty. I feel like it will be me and my dogs and cats for the rest of my life cause they don't care if I have herpes and don't care about the valtrex bill as long as it doesn't take away from their treats.

I know what you're talking about with the breakdowns. I had one in the grocery store yesterday. I go between being so angry I want to hurt someone to being so sad I can't stop crying. Thank God I was having a crying one in the store. I'm sick of feeling this way emotionally and am even sicker to think I"m gonna feel this way for the rest of my life!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
toledo24

I know it sucks

I know it sucks and I agree with you. My ex-boyfriend didn't know he had it either, or thats what he tells me...gave it to me and broke up with me 2 days later.We only had unprotected sex once. We went from hangingout everday to not even calling eachother. I am 24, and I worry about my future everyday.I also wonder who the hell will want to date me. But then I think I am an great person and have worked my ass off to be where I'm at today. If someone doesn't want to be with me then screw them they are the one's missing out. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I think it would help if you talked to someone. I am recently starting to talk to a therapist and it is helping a lot. You would be supprised how many people have stds. It's not like you can pick them out of a line up. My ex was gorgeous,clean cut (very metro), came from an amazing family, had a great job, and was an amazing person when I first met him, Anyone would have fallen for him. I wish that he had a sign on him that said "stay away I'll give you herpes" LoL. I would have been more careful.

Take care

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alwall0828

Well, I got mine from someone I didn't even want to have sex with. Was raped and TADA!! I met my husband that night (no he isn't the one that raped me) I got pregnant by my husband and stayed with him through hell. Because I never thought I would find someone. We have a beautiful 4 yr old boy.

I now am going through a divorce from my marriage I was afraid to leave out of. Kinda of a I'm broken you bought me, I'm staying because you accept me. Yeah well that wasn't worth all the other crap. I have been with a great guy for 9 months. I couldn't ask for any more accept maybe having my son and not having the ex. LOL

Things will get brighter. Rant, Rave, and if it makes things okay get a little crazy. But I can guarantee there are safer ways to accept this thing that is not just a part of us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Advertisement

Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
      68,244
    • Total Posts
      455,469
  • Posts

    • honkschonks
      @Anon222 I told the women I have slept with most recently. She’s been a regular partner who has had zero symptoms. She’s going to get tested. She’s the most level headed person I know and a good friend. One doctor told me for legal reasons to tell everyone in the past year that I have it. Another doctor said that’s unrealistic and pointless. I have no idea when it started as I had no major undoubtable outbreak, so going back a year may be too far, it may not be far enough. I’m not sure what to do. It has irritated me how casual doctors are about this. It won’t kill you but The emotional effect of knowing you have it or thinking you may have it seems to be more damaging than having it. People on here talking about suicide. I guess that’s why they don’t test for it, or it just got out of hand and there’s no going back. Strangely I haven’t been that stressed about it. Luckily I’ve been very busy working so I haven’t had time worry about it. Thanks @NY12345 for your thoughts.
    • Runride
      I've heard of STD dating sites but have never looked into one. Are they real? And does anyone have any experience with them?  If someone does I would really like to hear some details.  They sound kind of scary, but it seems it could also be a relief to know I would be less likely to be judged for this condition.
    • IcantThinkofaName
      I've also considered this option..and its still looking like a good idea. so... Did you try any other Av's like famvir or privetir? I think there are some others too...  Up the vitamin C, check your vit D levels via bloodwork... Are you stressed out or have a stressful lifestyle ( aside from having HSV, which alone is a stressor)? There are no other health issues going on ? How hard are your workouts? The last few Obs I had were after very intense resistance/weight workouts, and I was completely exhausted after...combined with a night of bad or little sleep. Tried L- glutamine supplementation? Lithium orotate ( its a supplement too) has been known to supress the virus/replication too. I have also read it could mutate it...not sure how accurate that is, or if there was a study that proved that..maybe google it. I took The lithium one time and it was an abbreviated/shorter Outbreak than others...but I was also taking alot of vit C, or it could have happened for another reason...I'll never know for sure. but...mediating for 12 hours a day might help too... (seriously) but just don't meditate on HSV. Or maybe in another year your body will get a better hold on the virus and can cope better. it is depressing, I can relate.  My Obs have finally  lessened after 1 yr and 3 months. I still have almost daily sensations, tingling though..I'm probably contagious AF. Sex isn't really on the radar anymore. so No reason to take the AVs as they cause some side effects for me. Time to join that monastery. There are more important things in life than sex, right?  (thats what some people are telling me and I want to punch them. I really liked/enjoyed sex) Hang in there. I was told after the 6 yr mark, HSV becomes a non issue in your body. ( thats what one of my Drs told me, so  not sure how accurate that is either, but I guess it gives me 4.5 years of hope) let me know if any of this helps or you find something that does.I wish you the best.  
    • NY12345
      Perhaps some of the best advice I received a couple of years back was that even if you do have herpes, it doesn’t mean that everything going on downstairs IS herpes. Blisters on your penis, probably herpes. Cuts in your buttcrack, maybe-maybe not.  You’re not damaged goods, you’re now in the majority of the population which had some form of HSV. Your confidence, honesty and being a good partner will determine how your life moves forward, even if that’s hard to believe now. There will be rejection, oftentimes because of lack of education, and sometimes because not everyone wants to take that risk. That’s ok, people are turned down for all sorts of reasons, that’s just life. It’s ok to be bummed out, but herpes isn’t the end all be all.
    • Anon222
      Hey there, I think you should tell him. Wouldn’t you want the same if the roles were reversed and he had it but you didn’t? He has the right to know and should get tested. From what I’ve read though there’s a good chance that you didn’t transmit it because it’s hard to transmit GSHV1 to another’s genitals.  Don’t feel bad about it. You are a person and people make mistakes. Having this open conversation is important if you truly care about him I think. Good luck 
×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.