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Antoinette63

Being Blamed/Feeling Guilty

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Antoinette63

I’m a female, and I have a close (female) friend who I occasionally had sex with BEFORE I got HSV2

Once I got HSV2, we stopped. However, about 4 months ago she called me and said she missed me and really wanted to have sex with me. I told her I was afraid of passing it to her, and she said she was okay with taking the risk. Before we actually had sex, I asked if she wanted to stop or use dental damn or even cut a condom and she said no. We had sex.

 

She called me last week and said she’s having symptoms. She hasn’t been to the doctor, but she’s almost sure she has HSV2 now too. Not to mention she’s gotten in a relationship since then so she could have passed it to her boyfriend.  She’s  pissed at me. She won’t answer the phone or anything. I’m dealing with feelings of guilt, and I don’t know why. I’m also confused as to why she’s angry when I gave her the information she needed to make an informed decision.

 

How do I handle this? What do I do? How do I get rid of these feelings?

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WilsoInAus

Hey @Antoinette63 you do absolutely nothing.

If infected with HSV-2, then the initial outbreak would have occurred within days of the infections. Symptoms after 4 months are not really likely to have been from that episode. 

If she does have a recent infection of herpes, then it will be from her new boyfriend!

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Antoinette63
47 minutes ago, WilsoInAus said:

Hey @Antoinette63 you do absolutely nothing.

If infected with HSV-2, then the initial outbreak would have occurred within days of the infections. Symptoms after 4 months are not really likely to have been from that episode. 

If she does have a recent infection of herpes, then it will be from her new boyfriend!

@WilsoInAus I’ve read in some articles though where symptoms take months or years to show. So I know there’s no way to really know for certain who you’ve contracted it from, but I am certain that, regardless, she’s blaming me because I’m the only person she’s slept with that was aware and honest about having it.

I really dont don’t know how to remedy this. 😩

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Quest

It's easy to beat self up. Don't! We learn and we have to move through it. All of us are victims

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WilsoInAus
9 hours ago, Antoinette63 said:

@WilsoInAus I’ve read in some articles though where symptoms take months or years to show. So I know there’s no way to really know for certain who you’ve contracted it from, but I am certain that, regardless, she’s blaming me because I’m the only person she’s slept with that was aware and honest about having it.

I really dont don’t know how to remedy this. 😩

That is extremely rarely the case, although it may be mild, most everyone has an outbreak within days of infection.

Correct she is blaming you because of your honesty when her boyfriend may have an oral HSV-1 infection.

You also tend to find that with the news, some people align subsequent symptoms and convince themselves very readily it must be herpes. Very often, it simply isn’t.

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RNY18

"That is extremely rarely the case, although it may be mild, most everyone has an outbreak within days of infection..."

NO

Not as rare as you think.

I had "atypical" HSV-2 symptoms over a month after the last time I had intercourse with my ex.

I had been monogamous with her for 19 months prior.

There were no indications of any infection before that and I believe her to be an asymptomatic carrier or

having been unfaithful, prior to the last time we were together .

I had tested negative, previously.

 

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IcantThinkofaName
On 4/19/2019 at 8:54 AM, Antoinette63 said:

She called me last week and said she’s having symptoms. She hasn’t been to the doctor, but she’s almost sure she has HSV2 now too. Not to mention she’s gotten in a relationship since then so she could have passed it to her boyfriend.  She’s  pissed at me. She won’t answer the phone or anything. I’m dealing with feelings of guilt, and I don’t know why. I’m also confused as to why she’s angry when I gave her the information she needed to make an informed decision.

 

Tell her not to yell at/ blame  you until she has a positive result from a reliable test. 

Next, its still not your fault regardless...she knew the risks and proceeded with knowledge. She's a consenting grown ass adult. Tell her not to guilt you into feeling bad. She is just mad at herself for letting her sexuality get in the way of rational thinking--and having unprotected sex with someone she knew to have herpes. Its on her. Not you.

MOst likely its not herpes or its not from you anyway. She would likely have known in the first week or two after last sexual contact with you that she acquired it ( from you).

Be kind to yourself. You did everything right and all you could ( besides withholding /refusing sex with her, which you did not have to do).

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WilsoInAus
On 4/21/2019 at 1:34 AM, RNY18 said:

"That is extremely rarely the case, although it may be mild, most everyone has an outbreak within days of infection..."

NO

Not as rare as you think.

I had "atypical" HSV-2 symptoms over a month after the last time I had intercourse with my ex.

I had been monogamous with her for 19 months prior.

There were no indications of any infection before that and I believe her to be an asymptomatic carrier or

having been unfaithful, prior to the last time we were together .

I had tested negative, previously.

 

What were the results of the Westernblot test you had done?

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RNY18

No Western Blot.

High positives with both IgG & IgM tests plus symptoms .

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JP9

She seems very emotionally unstable. You educated her and she should’ve also taken the precautions to educate herself - if she did all of that and still continued to take the risk, she has no right to be mad at you.

I was unsuspectingly infected by a guy who swore he was clean and wasn’t really showing any symptoms and although I wanna hate him and I have so much anger that I wanna divert toward him, it’s an illogical thing to do. And that’s with me NOT knowing what I was going into, it’s like I was hit by a bus. She consented to sex, she can’t be mad at you. You’re not doing anything wrong - you also don’t need anyone like that in your life to bring you down.

Lots of love ❤️

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Dutchy
On 4/19/2019 at 2:54 PM, Antoinette63 said:

I’m a female, and I have a close (female) friend who I occasionally had sex with BEFORE I got HSV2

Once I got HSV2, we stopped. However, about 4 months ago she called me and said she missed me and really wanted to have sex with me. I told her I was afraid of passing it to her, and she said she was okay with taking the risk. Before we actually had sex, I asked if she wanted to stop or use dental damn or even cut a condom and she said no. We had sex.

 

She called me last week and said she’s having symptoms. She hasn’t been to the doctor, but she’s almost sure she has HSV2 now too. Not to mention she’s gotten in a relationship since then so she could have passed it to her boyfriend.  She’s  pissed at me. She won’t answer the phone or anything. I’m dealing with feelings of guilt, and I don’t know why. I’m also confused as to why she’s angry when I gave her the information she needed to make an informed decision.

 

How do I handle this? What do I do? How do I get rid of these feelings?

You did nothing wrong.. she had to deal with her choices in life...

Where did she get symptomes? On her mouth? Did oral sex give her symptomes? Because you dont hear that often...

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Antoinette63
On 7/29/2019 at 4:58 AM, Dutchy said:

You did nothing wrong.. she had to deal with her choices in life...

Where did she get symptomes? On her mouth? Did oral sex give her symptomes? Because you dont hear that often...

She had symptoms on her vagina. We had both oral sex and scissored. I only have HSV2, so her symptoms were not from oral sex.

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WilsoInAus
31 minutes ago, Antoinette63 said:

She had symptoms on her vagina. We had both oral sex and scissored. I only have HSV2, so her symptoms were not from oral sex.

A lot of time has passed now. Did she establish that wasn’t infected by you?

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Antoinette63

@WilsoInAus She says she‘s 100% sure it’s from me because I’m the only person she had sex with who she knows has herpes. She didn’t  confirm that any of the other people she slept with did not have it because she didn’t ask or they didn’t have symptoms 

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WilsoInAus
8 minutes ago, Antoinette63 said:

@WilsoInAus She says she‘s 100% sure it’s from me because I’m the only person she had sex with who she knows has herpes. She didn’t  confirm that any of the other people she slept with did not have it because she didn’t ask or they didn’t have symptoms 

Has she even conformed she has herpes at all and what type it is? 

If she can't be bothered finding out this information for a rational discussion, then I suggest she isn't a friend you want to have.

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