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I'm scared about "The Talk"

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I have been dating online since my ex and I broke up a few months ago. He knew that I had HSV1 and he was okay with it, though he knew how hard it was for me to cope with having this virus.

Since I was diagnosed two years ago, I've had to tell several partners since. It has been "ok" with some of them, but I recently had a negative experience. I was honest with the guy and told him about my condition. While he appreciated my honesty, he said we couldn't have a sexual relationship b/c he was scared about the possibility that he could contract it. I know I told him too soon (we'd only been dating a couple of weeks), but he brought up something in a conversation that made me feel I had to tell him at that very moment.

Anyway, I have continued to date online but haven't crossed that bridge again yet. Well, I just met a new guy a couple of days ago and we seemed to really hit it off quickly. I like him a lot and I think he feels the same way about me....but I also know that the online dating thing is also kinda competitive. If I tell him something about myself that he can't "deal with," I'm afraid he'll just easily move on.

Once you've been rejected, there's a part of you that becomes emotionally "scarred." It makes me sad to read that many women have stopped dating in the past couple of years since they've been diagnosed for fear of telling potential partners. I can't imagine going years being all alone. Anyway, I know I have to tell this guy, but I dont' know how soon to tell him. Everyone always says to wait until the relationship is about to become sexual. Honestly, though, things are different these days and people move more quickly. Even in just a couple of days, we've already been somewhat physical (have NOT had sex, though) because of our attraction to one another.

Please give me some advice on how to approach this and what to say, but most of all, WHEN to have this conversation. I'm so scared that I will lose a great guy before I even "have" him. I'm so scared....any encouragement would be so helpful.


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You said you have HSV-1...do you have it orally? I only ask bc you can have it genitally as well. ( I now know after transmitting it to my ex-partner via oral sex)

I did not know or realize that I had HSV-1 (oral)..I had not had a visual fever blister in over 5 years....I just get flu-like symptoms just prior to my period and have always been told that it's a sinus infection or hormonal. (Sorry if this is a broken record if some of you have read my other posts) lol

So now I am in the same situation that you are....I have NOT been out with anyone new since finding this out 2 months ago....and dating someone new is the last thing and a very scary thing to think about.....I am afraid to even KISS someone now...because I had no symptoms before I gave it to the guy I was with...so I am paranoid as hell now.........and how do you date someone new without eventually getting to that first goodnight kiss...and like you, How soon is too soon to tell someone???? It's not something you want to bring up the first freaking date!!!!!!! Ughhhhhhhhh.

I may never date again..who knows. I am fine being single...I am almost 40 and do not plan on having kids and have never been dying or desperate to be married.......sometimes now I think it's easier to not bother going through the stress of telling someone new..................

Keep us posted on how your situation goes. I am proud of you!!! You are brave.


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Jack M

I'm in the same boat as you but... I'm a guy. I contracted HSV from a previous girlfriend that I was very serious with. Either she wasn't trueful with me or didn't know herself. Either way I have to deal with "the talk" and I'm personally terrified of it. I've met girls and have broken it off with them before it ever got physical just because I don't want to deal with it.

Well I've met a girl recently that I think is worth telling. But of course I have no idea when, how, or the reaction I'm going to get. It's almost to the point where I have to do something or just cut it off. Which of course I don't want to do. It's probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal. I'm sure it will work out for you, and hope it does for me... ;)

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You may try a dating site that is generated towards people with STD's... I've met some really nice guys before there, all of which only remained friends. I got involved with someone before they had a shot, lol. But then there isn't that awkward hey guess what thing. I wouldn't cut off the idea of others guy tho, but just a thought.

Remember, it's just a like a screening, who wants to be with you for you, and who wants to be with you to get laid

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It is your choice who you date, but I for one think that if you limit yourself to only dating people with herpes you are really limiting yourself. I think you should wait long enough for him to get to know you and decide what he thinks of you. If a man loves you he will stay. If herpes is the worst thing you ever have to deal with you are lucky. If he runs at the first sign of trouble or discomfort he is not the one for you. I told the guy I am dating and he just said it didn't change the way he feels. I got it while dating him already (i was raped) and he was very supportive. I love him and would do the same for him. You have to be patient and talk about it in a positive way (don't cry or talk about how bad the pain is). I hope this helps and there is plenty of info out there on the talk. Good luck!

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