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Emily

Alone and feeling ugly

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Emily

I just joined this site after thinking about it on and off for the past month. I have had genital herpes for four years. Aside from the initial outbreak which had me sick for about two weeks, I have only had a few very light outbreaks, the last one being a year ago. I recently got involved with a man I liked very very much. Before we had sex, I gave him a letter (could not tell him to his face as I had done that once before and the guy freaked so bad I felt like a leaper), and explained my situation. He said it was not a deal breaker and we continued to see each other and began having sex. Then he got a rash on his face, saw a doctor and FREAKED OUT!!! Though the rash (which was not even on his mouth) had nothing to do with herpes, it sent him into freak mode. He spoke with two male doctors who both told him the worst of the worst with herpes. He was very angry with me (regardless of my telling him) and he said a lot of things that made me feel really bad. I am typically an outgoing, healthy, happy individual. I became so 'ugly' to myself I was not sure I wanted to exist any more. I cried every day all the time. I still feel I could cry just by writing this. I feel so incredible dirty and alone and frustrated. The herpes virus is not that bad for me personally but I feel like I will never have sex again. I can't imagine ever telling another guy that I have this. The rejection is just too much to bare. I know people who have this virus who tell me just not to tell but I can't not tell. At this point in my life, any guy I let into my bed I feel a connection with and hope that it will go further...etc. I don't know what my point is here. I have pulled myself together to some degree. The crying has gone away for the most part and I am beginning to love myself again regardless. The shitty thing is that I really miss this guy as I was falling in love with him and I feel SO frustrated that this has come between us.:confused:

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catiesmom

Some people will fly off the handle over the little things and refuse to educate themselves first -- sounds like that's the kind of guy you had. Perhaps you were better off without him - what if you had experienced some sort of illness while you were together. Would he still have run, just in case you could possibly spread the worst case of it to him? Try to think how hard it would have been to have him deal with your herpes, but then leave over something just as trivial!

I'm sorry he's done this to your self esteem, but i'm glad you're starting to feel your way out of it. There are dating sites for meeting other people who have hsv, when you mght feel up to it, which can keep you from having that awful talk. Education is the key to getting people to understand what this virus is, and what it's not. I hope you get some solace here. We're always here to listen and to help in whatever way we can.

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Emily

Thank you very much for your words. Yesterday was a hard day. By posting my post I felt very emotional and spent most of the day crying and trying to pull myself out of it. Which made me think that by being on this, it makes it all fresh in my mind and heart and therefore is hard but maybe looking at it and dealing with it is better than pushing those feelings down. Anyway, thank you. One step at a time.

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catiesmom

It's good you're giving yourself time to get over it. Ignoring it or trying to push it away will only make it worse. I hope each day gets better for you. Please don't forget we're here if you need a shoulder!

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sul900

not on your own!

your not on your own emily! i still feel dirty and i have been suffering for 12 years. but its only the last few years i have started to come to terms with it and am starting to get my selfesteem and confidence back. as this happens i start to worry less about it and have few outbreaks. i still would find it hard to tell somebody at the moment. but i know when my confidence and self esteem is back i won't care what people think.! oh and hopefully won't feel dirty.:???:

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Emily

Go sit by the sea

Thank you for your words. It is really strange how we can know that at least 25% of our society carries these viruses and yet feel as though we are the only one who has it. Have been doing better. Just taking a break from the whole thing and working on getting along with myself better. My father sent me this piece, (It reads to female but could be male as well):

"8-)You are not a product. You do not have an expiration date. You are not sold used or new. Your value does not go down with every sexual experience. You do not have a finite capacity, like a phone card, after which you are used up.

Neither are you a substance that can be pure or impure. You are no less pure now than when you were born. You will never be less pure than you are right now.

Nor are you an object upon which men have left marks that your boyfriend may discover and interpret. You are not a public place where things are written for others to read. You are not an exotic land that men have visited and reminisce about in comfortable chairs.

You are not a collection of experiences like snapshots in an album, subject to perusal and approval by your boyfriend.

Your past is not a term paper for him to grade. Your past is not something that needs to be repaired. You can't get up on top of it with a ladder and fix it like a roof. You can't do anything about it except regard it with awed attention. It is like the sea, far beyond us, far too deep, far too wide, far too powerful.

You are not a product, or a substance, or an object. You are not any of these things. For want of a better term, you are a creature, a spiritual being.

We are creatures of flesh and light and movement. We go through life. Things happen. We do things. We remember things. Things hurt us, things delight us, things frighten us. We go on. We describe the things that have happened to us and look for the light of understanding in someone's eyes. We are creatures who love and hate. We love and hate and are loved and hated and we go on.

Our past is not a map on our skin, visible to the male gaze. Our past is something we tell. Once we tell it, people sometimes turn away. They can't bear it. They're not strong enough. They have to find the strength. We can't give them the strength. They ask us to put the past back in the past, but we can't do that either. Once we tell it, it's with us in the present.

So tell your boyfriend to lay off with all this talk. Tell him to get some wisdom and some understanding. Tell him to get some humility and some awe. Tell him to go sit by the sea and think about it for days on end until his head hurts and he's thirsty and all he wants is you -- however you are, whoever you are, wherever you've been, whatever you've done.

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luv2dancebas

OMG Emily that was incredible. I hope you don't mind but I copied it into a word document so I can reread it and continue to be inspired by it!! Thank you for posting it!!

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Brucie

Wow, can I save a copy of this?? :?: You have a really nice Father! Best wishes to you...

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tulipblossom

emily whatever you do, do not, not tell. wait awhile until someone you are interested in has an opportunity to know you for who you are not something you did not ask for. find peace in this web site and all the people on here that are coming together for a common cause. we are all suffering but so do people with viruses and infections and diseases such as cancer heart disease and so on. ours has a stigma attached to it and people hiding from the truth and infecting others is not the way to end it. there was once a horrible stigma attached to people who have epilepsy they were put in mental institutions imagine that! 1 in 4 has herpes emily we are not alone we are the brave and courageous who are honest and forthright and i tell every man who has shown sexual interest in me most have been great, forget the ones who have not been. they were not worthy of your love... peace sister and i am thinking of you...audrey

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Cherish

BeAutiful Poem and Someone Please Help Me!!!!!

Hi Emily thanks for posting this on here, and I hope you do not mind if I make a copy of it myself and put it up so I can read everyday of my life cuz it inspired me to take back control of my life. That guy does not deserve you, if he can not deal with it then it was not meant to be. I myself is having a hard time trying to make it though these outbreaks, I have had hsv 2 for 8 years now and just dont know how to control it and I tried valtrex, famvir and nothing seems to work, I mean they work but I just keep constantly getting outbreaks day after day, some please help!!!!!!

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Damaged

Hi Emily and Everyone,

Your words feel like mine and I feel for you.

We are not alone. At least we have here for reason and support.

Thank you for your post and for the good advice and karma that comes from such a post. I wish I could be more supportive but I am suffering too right now with self love.

Damaged

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othello

hey buddy me if you want some support =)

i know how u feel in a sense..

im only 16 and luckily tho i have a great bf we got it from type 1

but it hurts that if we ever wana have kids or ..

hopefully never wud happen but want a new partner... u no?

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