Has God taken away my future?

[katie8 1]

When I was younger I was a huge christian. I always went to church and was baptized. When I was in 5th grade I began slipping away from God and got raped at a summer camp I attended. Luckily I had repressed memories about it and continued to have a normal life until I was 14. (I began doing sexual things with my boyfriend that brought back those memories) I had always had problems "down there" since I was about 11 but never thought anything of it, I just thought it was puberty. When I began remembering the rape and was diagnosed with Herpes 2 I became a cutter and tried to commit suicide. Now I am 19 and although that seems young I have always felt and acted much older than I am (because of my past). Im scared I am never going to find a husband and never be able to have children naturally because of what happened. I feel like because I pulled away from God and tried to take the life he gave me.. I will never find true happiness in the things I want.

[MsLucy 47]

Katie, I'm not a religious person anymore, but I once was, and I think I understand what you're trying to say. When things go wrong in my life, I sometimes entertain the idea that I'm being punished for something I've done, but I don't really believe that. Quite frankly, if there is a God, I don't think he's paying that much attention to the details of our individual lives.

I think that more important than seeking God's forgiveness, you need to forgive yourself, accept that the past is behind you, and find a way to move on without it encumbering you. Coming to terms with what happened, including the rape and the self-destructive tendencies that followed, may require some sort of counseling to guide you through the process. It's difficult to move forward, though, when we're dragging the past with us like a ball and chain.

The things you fear, like not finding a husband and having a family, are things we all fear. It's human. No one wants to be alone. But you're only 19, and you have years to discover that your future will unfold perfectly, in it's own time, if you just let it.

No matter what paths we choose in life, there are bound to be setbacks and trials. We all experience our own hurts and suffer our own failures, but the consequences are not punishment from God. They're the results of our own moments of weakness, our own mistakes, or sometimes just random circumstance. Life doesn't come with any guarantee that's it's going to be easy, but it does have it's rewards, and they make it oh so worth living. You'll find that out. Just give it time.

[Caliope 12]

post deleted.

[lilanne19 0]

First let me say, I am a christian. Don't get me wrong, there are no gold stars by my name in heaven but my faith is constant. I was sexually assualted at 12, and it never occurred to me to blame God for that. I still don't. The world is full of sin, it has been since we were kicked out of the Garden of Eden. We have to deal with temptations and all of the other evils of the world. God didn't put them there, we did. I don't have it all figured out, and don't claim to. All I can say, is that when I found out I had hsv1 and hsv2 in Sept, the only thing that helped me through it was prayer. I blamed myself and my past behaviour and thought that I'd somehow deserved this. But I was wrong, I had to forgive myself. I think sometimes when I feel that way it's because I haven't let go of the guilt associated with the way things have happened, but thats me not God. You ask for forgiveness and he'll forgive you. But there's also free will, the person who assaulted me did so of his free will. I chose to let go and move past it because of mine. I don't think God sits back and goes well this person is doing terrible things so I'm going to punish them. If that were the case do you really think he'd start with us when there have been people throughout history who have done horrible things. We live in a world of sin, no one can escape that but what we can do is rely on our faith to get us through the things that we don't think we can. In the end we usually do, we just have to be patient and again have faith that we're not going to be given anything more than we can handle. The first step in the process is forgiveness, we have to forgive ourselves (although I'm not sure why we always blame ourselves for things we had no control over but we do anyway) and then forgive the people who harmed us. For our own sakes, so that we can move on. Being stuck in the "I deserved this" phase just keeps the victimization going, in your case it was cutting, in mine it was a host of other things. But we won't begin to move past it until we forgive and move on. So to answer your question, no I don't think we're being punished.

[dubo7 0]

Always try to remember that God has a plan for all of us. We don't know why he "allows" some of the things that we go through to happen, but there has to be a reason. Maybe its so you can help the next struggling person who feels that nobody understands what they have been through, but you can say....I do understand and we will get through this. But thats just my 2 cents and thats what helps me understand Gods "wake-up calls"

good luck and God bless

[coalminer 2]

Attitude Adjustment

Read "Happy for No Reason" by Marci Shimoff. You will not be disappointed.

[bluefrog 2]

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and that God only gives one what they can handle. I know at times it seems unfair and hard to accept, but I do feel that is how it is.

[ouch 17]

There is no rhyme or reason as to WHY things happen when they do and to WHOM they happen to. Why does god allow small children to be thrown off the bridge in louisiana??? Or a small child to be thrown off an overpass in honolulu hawaii, only to be hit by oncoming traffic. WHY does GOD allow for all this...this..ABSOLUTE evil in the world?!?!

When I think of THESE things, it suddenly makes my herpes a tad big insignifigant. OR I think about the people who RIGHT HERE on this message board who have developed herpes enchapalitis and suffer in that capacity. Or people with herpes who also have cancer, lupus, AIDS/HIV.....and suddenly I think sheesh, maybe I got off easy and my maker was giving me a bitch-slap and telling me to slow down and take better care of myself and be more CAUTIOUS who I let into my life, as there are ALOT Of wolves in sheep clothing, ya know.

Bottom line for me: GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES. We can all sit around and wallow in the muck and allow for lifes obstacles to throw us off our course, and bitch and moan about it. OR, we can overcome, rise above and CONQUER these obstacles and rise to greater glory in the eyes of ourselves and our maker.

It is very hard to wrap your head around the thought that you have a lifelong virus. Believe me I KNOW! I have good days and bad days (usually in the midst of an outbreak, I will be bummed out ) but honestly, I have more good days than bad. I refuse to let this crap get the better of me. After some healing time mentally, you too can have the same outlook.

you are not "damanged goods". you can still have a WONDERFUL life. I know I am.

Now, if I can wake up tomorrow and be a multi-millionaire, then things would be perfect! HAHAHAHA!

[ouch 17]

ps. Katie8

I also wanted to add that (before I went off on a tangent there! hahaha)

I am sorry for what happened to you when you were so young, but you can use that as a tool to make yourself and even STRONGER woman. Don't let that get the better of you. You are not a victim. you are a survivor. Something insanely horrible happened to you, but it does NOT DEFINE who you are.

I hope you have received some sort of counseling for the rape, etc. It is good to talk about such things, get it off your chest and work with it and around it in a constructive matter. Again, this sort of travesty CAN make you are much stronger woman. And who knows, in the future perhaps YOU can become a mentor or counselor to those in need.

Take care!

[Catlady 1]

Buddhism, karma and STDs?

Hello everyone,

just wondering if any of you are from non-Christian backgrounds and what your views are on H+ conditions? I'm from a Buddhist background, and though I haven't advised my family or temple about my diagnosis, I feel that the strong faith I used to have as a child/teenager is not there anymore and I find very few "answers" through my religion. It is not that I don't "believe", but I'm finding it hard to accept that I in a way "deserve" contracting herpes - karmically, it was pre-destined as an effect from actions in a previous life (it's funny how I can accept it in other situations though...). I know that it is a part of the "whole thing"; that we don't know what things in life happen due to actions in a previous life, and what "new" karma is created in this life that will have to be balanced either later on in this life, or in the next - but I'm finding this particular thing hard to deal with. Buddhism is so pure at times, that I find myself thinking that I'm "unpure" & I feel unable to speak to other Buddhists I know about it... sorry if this doesn't make sense - it's hard to formalise my thoughts and feelings... would love to hear from you - Buddhist or non-Buddhist! x

[ouch 17]

Hi Catlady,

I actually do have some experience with buddhism, particularily Nichiren Shoshu, and while I understand about karmic debt and past lives affecting today....I also believe that our actions TODAY have cause and effect on...TODAY.

I honestly do not believe that any karmic debt from our past life has ANYTHING to do with us contracting herpes today. Or...if it does...maybe it is something as simple as we made fun of somebody who had it...but I doubt it.

I think it has to do with choices that we make here and now, than what happened to us yesterday or 100 years ago. Sometimes, it is as simple as we choose to trust somebody who maybe wasn't deserving of that trust. That doesn't make YOU the bad or impure one. It is the person who lies and deceives that has to DEAL with that karmic debt on some level at some point...be it in this life or another.

Maybe it has to do with taking on risky behavior that puts us in a category where we are more suseptible to contracting herpes...cause and effect...cause and effect...sometimes...things are just simple cause and effect. (which ultimately, as you know, is the nitty gritty of buddhist teachings.)

Our body IS our temple...but while the physical aspect of body may seem "impure" it is the spirit and the mind that truly matters. Our bodies are a host for something much greater. herpes and other disease do not dictate how we will achieve enlightment/nirvana. If anything, you can let this negative help you ACHIEVE inner peace , knowledge and ultimately enlightment.

I would say continue to chant and meditate. Things will become much clearer to you and you will have LESS of these "impure" feelings, and an easier time accepting your body and its imperfections. (in this case...hsv....)

[mom 2 be 0]

I am a confused christian

I am 22 years old in my 2nd marriage and HSV 2 positive. not to mention Im pregnant. I was messed with as a kid too( by family and friends) and I believe it had an affect on my sex life ( another story ). Eitherway, After 3 years of marriage to my first husband I had an affair and contracted this disease. I had no idea i was infected until almost a year after I had seperated from him. and by that time I was already with my NOW husband and pregnant. I believe that God is punishing me. I believe that God doesnt let sexual immorality go with out punishment. Infact it is somewhere in the bible that sexual immorality is an ABOMONATION ( cant spell )

I believe we have sexual disease's because of our sexual choices.

I have tried keeping faith prior to my diagnoses about my disease. I sowed seeds of healing so that I may walk a better road with god but test results still came back POSITIVE. I also prayed that my baby to come is not affected but so far I have a jerk of a DR that doesnt care how scared i am and wont give me a c-section and even though I am taking valtrex Im still having out breaks. SO IM SCARED AND REALLY HURT BY MY CHOICES AND REALLY CANT LOOK AT IT ANY OTHER WAY EXCEPT THAT GOD HATES ME.

[NotSoGood 0]

Regardless of what we go through we should never blame GOD or think that he is punishing you.

[MsLucy 47]

mom2be, God doesn't have to punish you... you're doing that yourself. We all make choices based on what our circumstances and our feelings are at the time. No one can see into the future. Sure, we can use common sense, and let our moral inclinations guide us, but when push comes to shove, our immediate needs and desires usually help us rationalize all that common sense and those good intentions right into the trash. Been there a hundred times myself, and done things that would probably shock and amaze you, too. But I'm not a bad person. Neither are you. We're just human... no better or worse than anyone else.

We all make mistakes and bad choices. No one is exempt from screwing up now and then. Sometimes in a big way. But if you actually do believe in God, then you should know that you've already been forgiven by him. That's the deal. The person you need forgiveness from most now, is yourself. Accept that you're human... sometimes weak, sometimes stupid, but overall, a good and decent person who doesn't willfully hurt others, steal, lie, cheat and all those other things you're not supposed to do. I'll bet you're even kind to animals (and that says it all, as far as I'm concerned).

As for the Bible saying that sexual indescretion is an abomination... well, if God hadn't intended for us to enjoy it, he wouldn't have had to make sex so damn much fun, now would he? Seriously, it's a primal need, an instinct so deeply imbedded in us, and every other living thing, that's it's just not going to be denied. We all need to feel loved, and we all need to be touched. Period.

God doesn't hate you, and he doesn't want you to hate yourself, either. He made us all flawed. I think the most he can hope for is for us to learn from our mistakes, and you have. Now it's time to move on, honey.

And as for your dr, if you can't reach some kind of rapport with him/her, then find another dr. You're under enough stress without struggling with that, too. Remember, your dr works for you, not the other way around. If you're not getting the support you need, go elsewhere. You owe it to yourself and your baby.

Feel better, keep in touch, and be happy. Hugs.

[amo013 0]

I completely agree with writercll. God doesn't punish. I won't go too deep into my beliefs in God of who "he/she' is, but I do believe that whomever this God is, doesn't point his/her finger at whomever has done something bad and decide to visit upon them some sort of strife. Just like writercll said, everything is based on the decisions and actions we have made and our emotional state.

I will tell you though, for about 3 minutes, give or take , I felt like I got what I deserved also. I'm not positive, but I am pretty sure who I got this disease from. I believe it was someone whom I cheated with on my fiancee at the time. I didn't know how to get out of the relationship, we didn't have any real problems, so I gave myself an excuse. I cheated on him, told him the next day, and broke up with him that same day. Horrible, I know, that is definitely not past me. When I found out I had this and thought about who I MIGHT have gotten it from (if you've read my other posts you'll know I could've have gotten it from my bf's oral herpes), the first thing I said to my mom when I said I might have gotten it from this guy was, "I guess I got what I deserved". Instantly I realized how stupid that comment was. The only "punishment" I am getting is the result of not being CAREFUL while doing such an idiotic thing. The only "punishment" I got after cheating on my bf was the punishment I inflicted on myself for months because I felt like such a horrible person and it affected very badly emotionally. Those things are only "punishments" I inflicted on myself.

My point is, there wasn't a higher power who decided that you, me, or anyone else deserved to get this or any other form of punishment as a result of something horrible we did. I know it's easier said than done but don't beat yourself up. I would really sit down and think about this. Meditate on it if you have to. Analyze your feelings.Think of ANY positive outcomes of catching this virus. If you can even think of one then you should realize that there is more good to it than bad.

[amo013 0]

One more thing...here's something else to think about...

Have you ever realized that there are people out there who do horrible things and never seem to really "get theirs"? I think it's because they don't care about what they've done or even realize that they've done something wrong. Because they aren't even effected by it, it doesn't effect their life in any way really. Or, if it does, they don't see it as punishment, because they (according to them) never did anything wrong in the first place.

You should realize that you just having the thought that you're being punished makes you a good person. Does that make sense? It shows that you care about what you did and see it as wrong. Getting this disease was only a result of being careless, like I was, not because you deserve it. Like wintercll said...the only punishment you are receiving is from yourself.

[ouch 17]

One more thing...here's something else to think about...

Have you ever realized that there are people out there who do horrible things and never seem to really "get theirs"? I think it's because they don't care about what they've done or even realize that they've done something wrong. Because they aren't even effected by it, it doesn't effect their life in any way really. Or, if it does, they don't see it as punishment, because they (according to them) never did anything wrong in the first place.

You should realize that you just having the thought that you're being punished makes you a good person. Does that make sense? It shows that you care about what you did and see it as wrong. Getting this disease was only a result of being careless, like I was, not because you deserve it. Like wintercll said...the only punishment you are receiving is from yourself.

Well said.

And I do believe that people like this "get theirs" eventually. Karma CAN be a bitch, and like you said, most of these fools do not realize karma has hit them in the ass , as they think they have "done no wrong".....it takes it a while to sink it...maybe not until they are ON their DEATHBED ....to realize...sheesh, my life was wretched. I leave no legacy, NOTHING behind me to show I was here. Maybe they will have things precious to them taken. Why it is better to TRY to live a decent life and TRY to be a semi-decent human being. We ain't perfect, but we don't have to be wretched beings while in this vale of tears either!

[amo013 0]

We ain't perfect, but we don't have to be wretched beings while in this vale of tears either!

"Vale of tears" I love it!! I always thought of the veil we are behind, but you take it even further. It is a veil of tears isn't it? We can never be truly happy until we lift the veil. I'll remember that, but give you the credit if I ever use that

[rockgirl 0]

"Have you ever realized that there are people out there who do horrible things and never seem to really "get theirs"?

Yes! I feel this way all the time. I know people who do bad things all of the time and don't seem to ever "pay" for it. And then here I am (not saying I am a perfect angel) a decent, loving, caring person and I get herpes to deal with for the rest of my life. It just seems a little unfair.

[MissPandora 0]

I too feel like this is God's punishment for me. I got this from the one and only time I decided to have casual sex.

And Ouch, your quote made me remember - I told my friend I wanted to get a tattoo that said "My body is a temple". 2 weeks later, he gave me herpes. Now that's irony!!

[regret 4]

its not a punishment, he allows us to make our own choices..just as anything else we do in life..