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hannahorval

Didn't tell him i have herpes...help

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hannahorval

Hi, this is my first time posting here. 

I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with HSV-1, but i had a genital outbreak, passed on from oral with my now ex. I have had a couple outbreaks since but now take anti-viral medication, i havent slept with anyone else until recently. We used a condom, and i didnt say anything because i barely knew him and didnt feel comfortable disclosing. The problem is i really like him an d can see myself continuing to see him, and in the car he randomly brought up how he gets checked and asked me if i've ever had anything- to which i said no. I know i shouldnt have lied but i have only just met him and it felt too personal a disclosure. My question is what do i do now? How do i tell him? I have had people tell me i dont need to disclose since its HSV-1 and im taking medication and using condoms and so the chance of passing it on is apparently so slim. Any advice would be appreciated, 

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T9000
7 minutes ago, hannahorval said:

Hi, this is my first time posting here. 

I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with HSV-1, but i had a genital outbreak, passed on from oral with my now ex. I have had a couple outbreaks since but now take anti-viral medication, i havent slept with anyone else until recently. We used a condom, and i didnt say anything because i barely knew him and didnt feel comfortable disclosing. The problem is i really like him an d can see myself continuing to see him, and in the car he randomly brought up how he gets checked and asked me if i've ever had anything- to which i said no. I know i shouldnt have lied but i have only just met him and it felt too personal a disclosure. My question is what do i do now? How do i tell him? I have had people tell me i dont need to disclose since its HSV-1 and im taking medication and using condoms and so the chance of passing it on is apparently so slim. Any advice would be appreciated, 

You can't just not disclose because you don't feel comfortable with it. This is a serious life-changing issue and you can be sued over it. With that being said, no you probably didn't give it to him given the circumstances, but it potentially sets a bad precedent for a relationship since you exposed it to him without consent.

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Quest

Go get STD testing together. I did that every time I thought he might be relationship material. Then ask for HSV testing. That's how you can come clean. They don't offer HSV testing on a regular panel. 

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Ribbon35
Posted (edited)
On 6/15/2019 at 6:38 PM, hannahorval said:

Hi, this is my first time posting here. 

I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with HSV-1, but i had a genital outbreak, passed on from oral with my now ex. I have had a couple outbreaks since but now take anti-viral medication, i havent slept with anyone else until recently. We used a condom, and i didnt say anything because i barely knew him and didnt feel comfortable disclosing. The problem is i really like him an d can see myself continuing to see him, and in the car he randomly brought up how he gets checked and asked me if i've ever had anything- to which i said no. I know i shouldnt have lied but i have only just met him and it felt too personal a disclosure. My question is what do i do now? How do i tell him? I have had people tell me i dont need to disclose since its HSV-1 and im taking medication and using condoms and so the chance of passing it on is apparently so slim. Any advice would be appreciated, 

 I did a similar thing. We slept together on two separate occasions and he gave me oral. Intercourse was with condom but oral was not. A week later he mentioned he had jumped the gun as he typically uses protection for all forms of sex including oral. He then said until we share our sexual health records we should continue and do better at protecting ourselves. At that moment I started to feel guilty for not disclosing right away and knew that during our next time together I must share with him my knowledge of my current STI history. Here's what I said and maybe this can be helpful for you:

"I wanted to resurface a conversation you brought up earlier this week regarding sexual health. I'm happy you did because this topic can be a bit awkward to discuss even though it should be standard. I agree 100% that we should continue to be safe and also agree that we should get updated STI panels done and share with each other. One thing I do know and would like to share with you is that I do happen to be a carrier of the herpes virus. I'm currently on suppression therapy, taking meds on the daily which carriers tend to do to prevent reoccurring outbreaks and viral shedding to reduce the risk of transmission. Condoms help reduce it even more. With that being said I thought it was something I should share with you sooner than later. As far as I know I have been safe but as with anything there is some risk involved."

His response was surprisingly good. He thanked me for sharing, asked me when I last had my outbreak, the type of medication I am on and what type of hsv to I have. I answered him: a few months ago, Zovirax and hsv 2. He then proceeded to say, "I'm ok with that. There's a lot more scarier thing to be worried about and hsv isn't one of them. With all that said we still agreed to go get tested and I told him he has to request an hsv blood test. He had no idea it wasn't included in the standard sti panel so truth is he's not even sure he doesn't have it. 

I write all this to say, even if you don't disclose right away before sex it's still important to do it as soon as possible. You'd be surprised at the reaction you get. Just be sure to not be too apologetic or frantic. Tell them as a form of education and confidence that you are proactive in dealing with your health and are very well educated. Don't come across as ashamed or cry. They will feed off the energy you give. I told him the hardest thing about living with herpes is the stigma versus the actual breakouts. Herpes just gets bad PR. It's really not that big of a deal compared to other diseases people are dealing with. And remember, you're worth the risk. You're a rockstar and not a lepar. We all deserve a good sex life!

Btw five minutes after the conversation we had a marathon of good (safe) sex! He even used a dental damn to pleasure me down there ☺️

I hope this helps. It was my first ever disclosure. I was abstinent for a year and a half because I was afraid of having to disclose. But if you're with the right person who simply adores you it shouldn't be an issue. 

Let me know how it goes!

Edited by Ribbon35

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