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Disclosure after sex


tttlllhhh

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This is so hard to write. I am in a shame spiral right now. I went out on a few dates with a man, he's 66 and I'm 57. I told him I wanted to get to know him, but we had more than a few drinks and ended up having sex - no condom. Unfortunately, it's our age group that does this I think.

I just officially found out about 2 months ago that I tested positive for HSV1 and 2, and that was only because I was going through my medical record for something else and saw it on a sheet that had my STD's testing. I was getting tested yearly. With that being said, I had a suspicion that I may have HSV2 from way back when, but in the 80's they didn't test for this. I went to my Dr. more than once and more than one doctor. All told me I didn't have genital herpes. I didn't have an outbreak, only a sensitive area.

So fast forward and I get a small blister line about an inch long right above my butt crack. (sorry for the graphic) And because I'm retired military and seen different doctors, I just told my civilian Dr. that I had herpes and needed medication. He gave me the medication. So from that point forward, no one questioned it. But the outbreak on my lower back eventually started happening often like every 1-2 months. Still no genital outbreaks, but the rare sensitive spot. So my civilian doctor said I needed to go on Valcyclovir for a year and then I should be ok. That was around 2005. Well, I never went off it. I took 500mg every day until about 4 years ago and I asked for 1000mg, because I was getting the inch long blister line. The blister(s) never busted open.

So, I felt like I had to tell this new guy about having HSV2. I explained to him as much as I could and the history, being on suppression therapy, etc. He took it well, thanked me for telling him and for being honest and courageous. And I told him because I was over his house and we were heavy petting and I felt like I absolutely had to tell him before a 2nd time, because morally I needed to do it and also because I was starting to like him, and, nonetheless, felt like I had no choice. I was going to have to bite the bullet and deal with however his reaction would be.  We had made plans to go out on Saturday night (tomorrow), and he asked me if we were going out, etc., and I said yes. However, I felt he probably needed a few days to think this over, because he may just change his mind.

Well, tonight his attitude changed. He still asked me out, but he was more flippant about seeing me, ie after "happy hour" he would text me when he got home vice the other plans he gave me a choice of doing.  I wasn't interested in going to happy hour because I'm not a big drinker. I wanted to get to know him.

So by the end of our texting, he told me I was disgusting, sick, selfish, I wasn't worth it, unforgiving, and more.  I had apologized to him more than once in person and through text. But I did get a little defensive and said I wasn't going to be shamed by him or anyone else, and that this doesn't make me less than. He also sort of threatened me and said "If I get your STD you've got a big problem!"  And I have no idea what he meant by that, not that I'm afraid of him. I'm wondering if he could sue me, not that I have anything for him to get from me. I'm thinking of the embarrassment of a law suit. But that would then mean he's making it public about himself too. 

I'm not sure what I need here. I feel like a POS. I did make a horrible mistake, and I do not know how to correct it. 

Also, I've been in long term relationships and have had no one have an outbreak or issues.

What's the chances of him contracting HSV2 from me? I would think low since I've been on suppression therapy 14+ years.  Can someone help?

 

 

 

 

Edited by tttlllhhh
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  • 1 month later...

Here's some information I copied and pasted from justherpes.com (Admins: if not cool, please accept my apologies and thank you for editing.)  If anyone in the community feels this isn't reliable information, please comment and direct to more reliable sources.    
The likelihood of passing genital herpes to a partner is highest during an outbreak (times when a sore is present).

  • When a person is not experiencing an outbreak, there is a 4-10% chance of transmitting it. (Depending on gender)

According to studies done by Valtrex, these are the rates of transmission per year of regular sex:

  • If partners avoid sex during outbreaks: 4% chance transmission from female to male; 8% male to female
  • If partners also use condoms or antiviral medication: 2% female to male; 4% per year male to female
  • If partners also use condoms and antiviral medications: 1% female to male; 2% male to female

 

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You made a mistake and you apologized for it.  He lashed out at you because he's afraid, and worried, and probably a little angry at himself for not being responsible for his own sexual health.  Please try not to beat yourself up about it too much. There's nothing more you can do except what you did, which is apologize.  Making mistakes in relationships is part of learning how to be in relationships. You learned something important that will help you in the future.  The man you were dating learned something he needed to learn, as well.  In addition, you learned a lot about his character and how he might behave towards you in the future.  I think you dodged a bullet.  

Try not to worry too much.  It will be what it will be, and the likelihood that he contracted herpes from you is probably very small, as is a herpes lawsuit.  He most likely won't hesitate to be tested.  If he tests positive, depending on the type of test, it might even hint at if he was recently infected or if he's had it and just wasn't aware. 

A lot of people assume that, just because they haven't seen anything and they feel fine, they are free of STDs.  Getting tested for HSV2 and other STDs before starting a sexual relationship, whether a potential partner accepts or rejects, is always a good idea and I've suggested it during "the talk."  I had to specifically request screening for HSV2 when going in for pre-relationship STD panels.  There's a fair chance that a potential partner already has H2, which would take a lot of worry and need for protective measures out of the equation.

 

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9 hours ago, CookieSC said:

Here's some information I copied and pasted from justherpes.com (Admins: if not cool, please accept my apologies and thank you for editing.)  If anyone in the community feels this isn't reliable information, please comment and direct to more reliable sources.    
The likelihood of passing genital herpes to a partner is highest during an outbreak (times when a sore is present).

  • When a person is not experiencing an outbreak, there is a 4-10% chance of transmitting it. (Depending on gender)

According to studies done by Valtrex, these are the rates of transmission per year of regular sex:

  • If partners avoid sex during outbreaks: 4% chance transmission from female to male; 8% male to female
  • If partners also use condoms or antiviral medication: 2% female to male; 4% per year male to female
  • If partners also use condoms and antiviral medications: 1% female to male; 2% male to female

 

Love the site and it is ok to post! Everyone should visit the site

I really look up to anyone who discloses anytime!

They have really set it up to shame us and CDC says that most don't disclose. And we wonder why people don't disclose? The United States is one of the ones who thinks sex is dirty. What utter nonsense! I spent my first few years in shame, what a crock! 

Quote

 

 I felt like I had to tell this new guy about having HSV2. I explained to him as much as I could and the history, being on suppression therapy, etc. He took it well, thanked me for telling him and for being honest and courageous. And I told him because I was over his house and we were heavy petting and I felt like I absolutely had to tell him before a 2nd time, because morally I needed to do it and also because I was starting to like him, and, nonetheless, felt like I had no choice. I was going to have to bite the bullet and deal with however his reaction would be.  We had made plans to go out on Saturday night (tomorrow), and he asked me if we were going out, etc., and I said yes. However, I felt he probably needed a few days to think this over, because he may just change his mind.

Well, tonight his attitude changed. He still asked me out, but he was more flippant about seeing me, ie after "happy hour" he would text me when he got home vice the other plans he gave me a choice of doing.  I wasn't interested in going to happy hour because I'm not a big drinker. I wanted to get to know him.

So by the end of our texting, he told me I was disgusting, sick, selfish, I wasn't worth it, unforgiving, and more.  I had apologized to him more than once in person and through text. But I did get a little defensive and said I wasn't going to be shamed by him or anyone else, and that this doesn't make me less than. He also sort of threatened me and said "If I get your STD you've got a big problem!

 

Heavy petting won't transfer an STD. Unless you want to describe in detail how he had an open skin wound and your juices overwhelmed him. Did you grind him nude? Was he rubbing his trunk, with a skin wound, up and down your butt crack? 

He's just immature and nasty! I hope you see his true colors! You dogged a bullet! You are so lucky to find out that he would run if you got sick!

@Cas9

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    • WilsoInAus
      Hang on @tweetsoc this is just self-indulgent self-delusion. What is super tricky about HSV? You're only saying that because of the super trick situation you are in having cheated on your partner, stop deflecting, how does that help anyone least of all yourself? You do not know you are going through an issue with HSV; it is pretty much certain you are not.
    • WilsoInAus
      The first article is from 'The Sun' which is just a sensationalist rag. The second article deals with a correlation between HSV-2 and cardiovascular issues that may cause ED. Did you actually read it? NONE of the participants experienced ED at the time of infection and 0.5% self reported EDS after 12 months. How does that fit with your 9 days. Herpes infections do not cause orchitis, that's just a myth that is started and perpetuated by people on web forums. There is no medical evidence of this. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree with me on HSV. There is no subjectivity in the facts that I present.
    • WilsoInAus
      None of this changes the fact that: you cheated on your partner and you can't cope with that; and you do NOT have genital HSV. Yes I do have to lecture about messing up because you are not dealing with it. You are creating a world of confusion from fake and/or obscure accounts of HSV in order to not deal with it. Whether you consider it nasty or not is exactly the point - this is the key thing that is wrong with you - when are you going to address - man up! Who has tested years later despite a negative WB?
    • Charlie1968
      Thanks tweetsoc,  I haven't taken anything but ibuprofen. My doctor won't give me anything without the lab work. I get tested on the 17th and if negative again 4 weeks after that  I will look into prostatitis and definitely ask him about it. Best of luck to you. I hope you get some relief. Are your symptoms constant or do they come and go? It's strange how the brain works. Sometimes this drives me crazy and sometimes I have just got used to the feeling of hot sauce in my pants. good luck to you. 
    • tweetsoc
      https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/3104937/its-not-just-a-nasty-incurable-sti-herpes-can-leave-men-impotent-for-life/ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.2047-2927.2012.00037.x
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